The body was numb. You could feel your body getting number and number as seconds ticked on your broken watch. You couldn’t feel your head. Your eyes were moist, slowly opening from the bolt from the blue. Your fingers started to twitch and started feeling the pain. The pain of being sandwiched by metals. Blood was splurging out from where your head lies. Even moving your legs were as painful as needles slowly getting into your skin.

You try to reach out, but even breathing was excruciating.

The howls of the ambulance came after 54 gasps of air. Your throat was dry and you could feel the blood gushing out from your head. Medics immediately came rushing down from the vehicle and other not-so important people were there, trying to help or gossip. I silently watched you there, from a distance.

The sudden relief when the literally heavy metal from your back got off was the oh-thank-goodness part. But that wasn’t the concern of the first aiders. You were lifted in mid-air; your neck was carefully handled. When they put pressure on your head, you screamed in the sudden pain it was until you were on the stretcher.

The ambulance was fast. Your eyes were closed but you could hear the ones nursing you say negative comments.

“She has lost much blood.”

“Her right knee is dislocated.”

Tears were swarming on yours but you couldn’t let it flow. It was too much for today. This day should be one of your most memorable days in your existence but now, it’s a tragedy.

--

The ambulance stopped and opened the vehicle door. You were swiftly rushed to the room with a red-blinking light called “Emergency Room”.

You were gasping for air, like your lungs are about to explode because of lack of oxygen. The nurses were pushing you fast towards it. They stopped and lifted you to another stretcher, a stiffer and harder stretcher. You couldn’t open your eyes because of the bright light in front of your lids.

The nurses were rambling things and reports about your status. You could hear several voices, parching.

Were you dying there? You thought maybe dying there, at the car accident, would be more convenient than living again. That was your view that moment. Maybe dying would be an easier task than staying in that darn world, am I right?

The doctor started to inspect you and started to permanently aid your injuries. They were as many as the broken pieces of glass in our window. But still, you were as beautiful as the first time I saw you.

Do you remember the time you got lost while touring Busan? When you were almost in your tears while looking for a place to stay since you lost your way home that midnight? I was there, that was the first time we met. I even called you ‘babo’ and you almost slapped me like crazy.

“Can she make it? She has lost a big amount of blood?” We both heard the doctor said those words. Those words ached me a lot. I want you to survive. I want you to survive the pain, the tragedy, everything that happened. Do you remember your promise to be stronger and stronger as each day passed?

I heard you whisper that to me way before. I love you, please stay.

The operation continued doctors were injecting things on your hands, on your mouth and nostrils. Dear, you looked so awful. Even more awful than I was.

I saw a tear streamed from your eye. Can you make it? I know you can still surpass this. I am sorry, this is my entire fault. I wasn’t able to take care of you well. I am sorry.

The time was ticking and you weren’t getting any worse that moment. The doctor was doing all that she could. Your heartbeat and breathing started to become unstable. I was worried. I was scared. The doctor tried reviving you.

“Clear!” Then your body rose up in mid-air then went down again.

The doctor was losing hope. Even I was losing hope. Until I got to resort to my last choice.

--

“Dear…” You were there, standing in the cloudy white place like you were searching for something. You were at your back when I saw your fragile and pale figure. As you saw me, you ran. You ran so fast you almost tripped.

You smiled, that smile that captured my heart. I love you. I love you dear, did you know that?

I wanted to hug, oh-so tight, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. When you were almost at my distance, I raised my hand and you stopped.

“Oppa,” you can’t hide your happiness. Your eyes were smiling and radiant and beautiful as ever. Even I involuntarily smiled at your innocent face.

But suddenly, the reality slapped my face. I have to tell you. I have to convince you to make the right decision.

“Jagiya, you have to go back…” I told you. The lump on my throat was there, but I still managed to do the right thing. Every moment that passed was important, important as your life is.

“Go back where oppa?” you asked. You tried to touch me but I flinched. You need not to touch, dear, please understand. You know nothing by then.

“You, you don’t belong here.”

“I want to stay here, with you…” You answered back. As much as I wanted you to stay… I can’t. As much as I would love your presence here, I can’t.

“You have to go back there…” I was firm in my words even though my tears are swarming in my eyes. Then, I heard you sob.

“Tell me why I can’t stay here oppa! Tell me!” You shouted, outraged. Your knees suddenly became weaker and you fell down.

I tried to hug but you kept struggling. You fought me; hit my arms, my chest. But I was just there, holding onto you.

“Baby, I’m sorry…” I said, my tears were falling down. “I couldn’t let you stay here; you have a life out there. You have your friends, your family, and our family.”

“I have everything there, but you are here, and where my husband is, I should and will be there…” You reasoned out. That was one of the most lame reasons I have ever heard of.

“Dongwoo, don’t you know that from the day that you were gone, I was thinking and waiting for this moment to come? This moment that we’ll be together again? Don’t you want to be with me again?”

“Baby, I wanna be with you, of course. Baby, I always wanted to be with you, but I know you still have your dreams of becoming an editor-in-chief, our family, your friends, they all need you…” I caressed your aching face, and tried to pull you up from sitting and walk you somewhere.

“But what about you oppa?”

“Baby I won’t be gone… I was always and will be there for you…” I guided you towards the borderline. It was the line between life and death. It was torture seeing you go back there but it would be so selfish if she won’t go back.

Before I let go of your hand, I pulled you for a kiss. A kiss of passion, of true love, of goodbye.

“Remember me as part of your beautiful past. Remember me with all our lovely memories. Baby, move on and live your life just like in the past. I love you. I love you so much.” I whispered then I held her hand, seeing our golden band in her finger.

Moments passed, and you were gone. You were gone from me. Tears escaped from my eyes. It was you, I love you. I love you to death, dear. Remember that.

I know you heard how surprised the doctor is when your pulse was back to normal again, as if nothing happened. The doctor went outside and talked to your mother about the good news.

--

“I dreamed of Dongwoo, umma,” I said while I was peeling the orange myself. I was in my sitting position. I am still in the hospital but now I am much better than my state last week.

“Really?” My mother was astounded with what I said. I chuckled a bit after seeing her reaction. Today, I feel a lot lighter compared before. I told her everything I could remember even though everything was a blur.

“Aigoo, it’s been six months since he passed. I didn’t know that time flies so fast…” Mother was now combing my hair.

It has been six months since the love of my life, the sun of the sky, passed away and left me. It still pains me everytime I remember Dongwoo’s face just before he decided to leave us permanently.

“Dongwoo! Don’t leave us yet, please baby, please…” I whispered in his ear while I was hugging his weak, almost lifeless body… He had a seizure that moment and I could only cry with him as he winced and grimaced with the pain he felt in his head.

“Baby, I won’t leave you… I promise…” Dongwoo touched my arm and squeezed it lightly. I was somewhat relieved with the words he said, but as soon as the clock ticked 11:22, his hand fell to the side and I started to wail and scream.

“Dongwoo! No! No! You just promised me! No!” I was strained by Hoya and Sungyeol to coming at you since the doctors were already there. We were sent out of the room.

Not long enough; the doctor came out announcing that he didn’t make it, that Dongwoo wasn’t strong enough to fight with the illness, that Dongwoo was already gone.

I wanted to punch the doctor while saying those words, but my energy was out with his words. It was my world shattered with just one snap.

“Yes Mom, its feels like it was yesterday…” A tear fell down on my cheek. Mom immediately noticed it and wiped it off gently.

Everything wasn’t the same anymore. Everything won’t be the same anymore.

“Don’t worry dear, we all know how good your husband was, he is in good hands…” A smile crept out from my lips hearing those words.

The day of the funeral came and I stood at the coffin, while holding the first thing you gave to me when we started dating, our big brown teddy bear. Even if I was hiding in my sunglasses, it was evident how I was depressed and dispirited. I was shaking inside and I wanted to scream, to scream at everyone. I wanted throw away my life and just go with him. How could I even learn how to continue living when he is already gone?

I requested to see Dongwoo for the last time. Good thing, they granted my wish. They opened the coffin, and I saw, how radiant and glowing my husband was. He was just sleeping, so peaceful and serene, as if he had no more problems to face. He was a good man, he was and he will.

I was about to say something when loud knocks on the door dominated the room. Mother stood up to open and I saw Myungsoo and the rest of the gang, with my little angel. My little Dongwoo, Donghoon, the continuation of my life.

Realizing that I have so many reasons to continue living, I am now have a broader perspective about life and the essence of living, loving and laughing.

To my friends, who supported me to my ups and downs, who were there in the times I was about breakdown because of all my struggles in life, thank you.

To my family, who were guiding me in the moments I was blinded by depression and sadness, who were there to pulls me up when I can no longer stand, thank you.

To my Dongwoo, who had loved me from the first time we met, who had become the reason why I breathe, who had been a very great husband. Thank you, we will continue our love story in our next lives. I love you and I always will.