My first Review! You guys can see how I do this now.

Rubric: Lock On by GreenALiveTnS

Title/Description/Forward: 8/10

Because your story seems to be in its beginning stages, I don’t know how the forward really has to do with the story yet. I feel like the description is a little on the simple side, but it does do its job on explaining the beginning of the story. I think you can make your description a little more complex by giving it a more mysterious edge to it.

Presentation: 5/5

I love your graphic, and there isn’t any sort of overload. Your story is separated into paragraphs and the dialogue is separated, so you get an easy 5 points :D

Actual Story:

Grammar: 10/15

Your grammar throughout the story is a little bit broken.

You tend to misuse commas and periods, like “A single tear trickled down from her beautiful eyes, she missed her mom…” This should be: “A single tear trickled down from her beautiful eyes. She missed her mom…”

Your sentences can be fragmented. For example, you write “Suzy’s mouth was hanging open in surprise to see the change in expression that was turned into a delighted, was so unexpectedly.” First off, “was hanging” should be “hanged” because there has to be tense agreement. Also, the “was turned into a delighted, was so unexpectedly” does not make sense. It should be: “Suzy’s mouth hanged open in surprised to see the unexpected change in his expression.”

Also, when you use dialogue, you end sentences within the dialogue in a comma when you want to add something after the dialogue. For example, “‘You need it, I want you to get into Seoul University.’ Mr. Bae said.” Should be “You need it, I want you to get into Seoul University,” Mr. Bae said.

Characterization: 8/15

 Your story is obviously only beginning, and I don’t expect some major character change or development. I, however, wanted to see more characterization, especially of Mr. Bae and Mrs. Im. I want to see a deeper level of them. Why does Mr. Bae want his daughter to become a doctor? Why is Mrs. Im so pretty but so mean? I think you should explore these things. As for Soojung, I feel like you are constantly changing her personality. There should be some sort of solid with her, other than that she is smart. She seems to like Suzy but bash her at the same time. I think you need to explore a little more of their relationship. As for Junghwa, I would like to see more establishment on what the character is to Suzy. Is she just an underclassman or is she the absolute best friend? How close are they really? Suzy is showing signs of having a deeper level, but I do not see the complexity of her yet. Sehun is fine as long as you do not make him a main character, and Taemin is introduced late, so I don’t know about him. My advice is to expand on the relationships between Suzy and her friends, because it will show what kind of person she is.

Use of Figurative Language/Style: 7/15

Your use of true figurative language is quite limited within the story, and you seem to be concerned with the actual facts, like “She then walked up to the main door.” There is a lot that you miss because you are engrossed by the facts. For example, you tend to throw away establishing the mood of the scene. Is Suzy mad? Does the world reflect that? There is no imagery in your scenes. I think when you write, you have to remind yourself that it may be a piece of work for you, but the audience you are letting people read this has no clue what you are thinking. You, as a writer, need to spell out everything in the best way you can. When you do achieve this, like “It was so peaceful and sad at the same time,” it works really well. But, the few places where you do give a hint of the mood, you seem to just tell the reader like Oh it was nice. Your writing will be extremely heightened by showing that it was nice, like Her face relaxed to the soothing music. A feeling of warmness seemed to bubble up from her stomach and spread to the rest of her body. Utilize your surroundings and do not limit yourself just the character’s thoughts and dialogue

Flow/ Unity/ Credibility/Tone: 20/30

I think this section was really hurt by your grammar and diction. The misuse of words and miswordings of sentences can stop the train of thought in a reader’s mind. The problem, however, still lies a little deeper than that. Because you use simple actions and factual statements, the feeling of the story seems extremely choppy and the details unnecessary. My one question on credibility is: Do the teachers switch between classes in Korea? Because I do not know this answer myself, I will not take points away. I just want to remind you to do research on that aspect. Furthermore, what is the likelihood that a tutor would be in someone’s house, alone? What is the likelihood that Suzy’s father would leave Suzy with a male alone? Be cautious when it comes to these questions. Furthermore, there is your problem of diction and word choice. I feel like you must have used a thesaurus without checking up on the words you were using because some of them do not make sense. For example, you write “She uttered in a loud voice.” Uttering is used for something that is more “under your breath” but you pair it with “loud voice”. Technically you could be going for an oxymoron, but that doesn’t fit the context. You also need to watch out for connotation. For example, you write, “Hey, Bae Suzy! Why do you always make a fray?” The word fray may mean “a noisy quarrel or brawl,” but its connotation is more like something that is dark and more tragic, and you were trying to talk about something a little more lighthearted. On the bright side, your story’s unity is for the most part, well done.

Overall Impression: 4/5

Your story is a nice one, but I can’t really give you a full score without reading the whole story. My overall impression is that his has a very nice plot, but needs some work on the way it’s written. The foundation is pretty strong but it’s the more of the extra stuff that needs more work.

Originality: 5/5

Obviously there are some cliché parts, but I think the direction you are going with this story is pretty original. Not much more to say :D. Nice job on the originality of the idea!

Total: 67/100 or 67%

All you need to work on is the writing of the story and you will be fine :D