He sat alone by the windowsill, watching the rain hammering the window. He liked the rain, especially heavy rains, because they are almost loud enough to cover the strangled moans and cries of pain from the room beside him.

 

Almost.

 

He gazed into the empty space before him, eyes aimlessly taking everything around him. He tried blinking away his weariness, or something more of hopelessness, as lightning sliced open the dark horizon. He wished for the thunder to be louder, so that he could ignore all the misery next door.

 

But it's never loud enough.

 

He'd ask his father why didn't the doctor fix him, why didn't they take him to the hospital and make him better.

 

“Seunghyun, there's nothing else they could do,” he remembered how his adoptive father choked back a sob, how the pills clattered against the medicine bottle.

 

“Then give him more tablets,” Seunghyun said, but it came out sounding more like a plea. “They helped with the pain. Jiyong doesn't cry that hard when he takes them.”

 

“No, Seunghyun,” his father said nervously, placing two tablets beside the glass of water and then hides the bottle in the deepest part of the cupboard.

 

“Too much isn't good for him.” 

 

Seunghyun remembered how his father looked so painfully miserable when he tucked the medicine into the cupboard. It was like he was trying hard to hide all the agony and seal it behind the cupboard. 

 

Seunghyun had to take care of Jiyong when father wasn't home, and father was only home for a few hours before setting off to another work. Seunghyun knew father was struggling hard, and father refuses to give in because he knew he is the only way to get help for Jiyong. 

 

Father loves Jiyong too much until he's reluctant to let Jiyong go. After all, Jiyong is his only blood-related child. 

 

And Seunghyun has this feeling to Jiyong, the butterflies in his stomach when Jiyong smiles, the giddy feeling when Jiyong clings to him when Jiyong is still alright, the searing pain in his heart whenever he heard Jiyong trying to fight down the pain. But deep down Seunghyun knew he shouldn't have all these butterflies, because Jiyong is his brother and although they weren't really related Jiyong will still hate him if he knew his brother is a . 

 

He doesn't want Jiyong to hate him. Ever. 

 

There's one night when Seunghyun is taking care of Jiyong, and he hates those nights. Nights are worse to Jiyong. They seem to give more pain to Jiyong, because his screaming sounded louder, the groans deeper and filled with more agony. They give him the shivers, not the kind when he was cold, but the painful and intense one that starts from deep within. 

 

Jiyong's sickness has bought himself so much pain, and Seunghyun wished that he could help. He was more than willing to suffer for Jiyong, so the younger could escape this hellhole he's been living in. 

 

Maybe this is love? 

 

He opened the door of Jiyong's room cautiously. It's raining again. He felt like crying, but father told him he musn't. Jiyong was curled up on the bed, knees pushed up against his chest, arms wrapped tightly around his legs. Jiyong was crying.

 

“Please help me,” Jiyong whispered, “It hurts so much, hyung.” 

 

Jiyong's voice hits his heart like a truck, he winced when he saw  Jiyong's helpless face. Jiyong's face is laced with tears, he looked so vulnerable, Jiyong looked like he's going to shatter with every harsh intake of oxygen. He was only eleven, but all the pain forced him to mature too much for his body to endure. He looked older than Seunghyun, for God's sake. 

 

Seunghyun was shivering, trying hard to lock his tears down his throat. “What can I do, Ji?” His voice was as weak as Jiyong. 

 

Jiyong curled up into a tighter ball. 

 

“Do you want me to call Dad?” 

 

Jiyong shook his head. Sweat was dripping from his forehead to his chin. 

 

“Dad can call the doctor, and the doctor can make you feel better, Ji.” 

 

“Dad can't help, hyung. Neither does the doctor.” 

 

Seunghyun knew that, but he refuses to acknowledge it. But hearing this painful truth coming from Jiyong's mouth is worse than the world exploding itself. 

 

Jiyong looked so different now. He has the darkest bags beneath his eyes. He was so thin, Seunghyun could see his bones poking against sagged skin. His once smooth hair was now frizzled and sticks to his sweaty face. His lips were dry and crusted. 

 

“I can heat up some milk for you. You like hot milk.” 

 

He managed a delicate shake of the head. His breath was coming in short gasps. 

 

“Do you want me to fetch you some biscuits? You haven't been eating much today.” 

 

Jiyong winced as a new surge of pain took over his body. “Please, hyung, help me.” 

 

Something in Seunghyun snapped and tears start rolling down his cheek. 

 

“Hyung can help the pain go away,” Jiyong said in a trembling voice. “Hyung could get me my pills. You know where they are, don't you?”

 

Seunghyun ran the back of his right hand against his running nose. Jiyong could see he was scared and shaking. “They're very high up,” he said, hiding his eyes from the younger. 

 

“Can't you reach them for me, hyung? Please, the pain has been going on for so long. You don't know how much it hurts.” 

 

Seunghyun's eyes are full of tears and everything appeared distorted. His heart felt empty, and he felt all his strength had left him. Without saying a word, he slowly turned around and opened the door. 

 

Jiyong tried calling after him, but his voice was so weak that only a whisper left his lips. 

 

Seunghyun came back a few minutes later carrying a tray with a glass of water, two chocolate cookies and the bottle of medicine. Jiyong stared at it, hardly believing his eyes. Very slowly and through unbearable pain, he pushed himself up into a sitting position. Seunghyun stepped closer, placed the tray on the bedside table and handed him the glass of water. 

 

Jiyong gave him the most honest smile he'd ever seen. 

 

“I'm not strong enough to open the bottle. Can you help me, hyung?” 

 

Seunghyun took the bottle, pressed down on the cap and twisted it anticlockwise. Pouring two pills into his hand, he offered them to Jiyong. Jiyong took them, put them into his mouth and swallowed them down without even sipping the water. His eyes pleaded for more. 

 

“I read the label, Ji. It says you shouldn't have more than eight tablets a day. The two you just took make it ten today.” 

 

“You're so intelligent, hyung,” Jiyong said with a faint smile. “You meant so much to me hyung. I'm so sorry I couldn't grow up with you anymore.” 

 

Seunghyun's vision blurred again as Jiyong wrapped his bony fingers around the medicine bottle. Seunghyun held on to it tightly. 

 

“It's okay, hyung.” Jiyong whispered. “It will all be okay now.”

 

Hesitantly, Seunghyun let go. “Dad will be angry at me.” 

 

“No, he won't be. I promise you, hyung.” Jiyong placed two more into his mouth.

 

“I bought you these cookies,” Seunghyun pointed to the tray. “They're your favourite, Jiyong. Have one.”

 

“I will, hyung. In a while.” Jiyong had a few more pills. “When Daddy comes home, tell him I love him.” Jiyong whispered. “Could you do that for me, hyung?” 

 

Seunghyun nodded as hard as he could. His eyes locked on the now almost empty medicine bottle.

 

“Hyung, can you read me the diary we wrote together? I will miss you so much, hyung.”

 

“Jiyong-” 

 

“It's okay now, the pain is starting to go away. Thank you, hyung.” Jiyong looks sleepy.

 

“Okay, I'll read it while I guard the door, okay?” 

 

Jiyong smiled a pain-stricken smile. “Why do you want to guard the door, hyung?” 

 

“Dad told me that sometimes God comes and takes ill people to heaven. I don't want him to take you. I'll sit beside you and if he comes I'll tell him to go away. I'll tell him that you're getting better and not to take you.” 

 

“Hyung will tell God to go away?” 

 

Seunghyun nodded vigorously. 

 

Jiyong chuckled a little, a little bit too loud than usual. Maybe he knew this would be the last chuckle he got. 

 

Jiyong reached for Seunghyun, and wrapped his fingers around the elder's. He felt droplets of tears fall onto the back of his hand.

 

“Remember my smile and laugh, Hyung. I may not be able to do them for you anymore.” 

 

Seunghyun can do nothing but nod.

 

“Hyung, stop crying. Remember that time when we sat in the treehouse in the woods a year ago?” 

 

Seunghyun looked up at Jiyong, a choked sob escaped him when he realized that Jiyong is turning pale. 

 

“I wrote you something, hyung. I planned to show you when it's my 12th birthday, but I think you will need to go there alone now. I'm sorry, hyung.” 

 

Seunghyun broke, face buried in Jiyong's chest. “No, Ji. You must show it to me. I'm not going to see it without you. Jiyong, no.” 

 

Seunghyun felt Jiyong's fingers in his hair, the younger trying desperately to breathe. 

 

“Hyung, you'll never know how important you are to me.” Seunghyun couldn't respond anymore, he just prayed for Jiyong's chest to rise and fall longer, even for one millisecond. He just wants Jiyong to stay here longer. 

 

“Jiyong, don't leave me. I love you, don't leave me okay? Please Jiyong, please.” Seunghyun locked eyes with Jiyong, arms tighten around the younger's thin frame. “I have so much to tell you. We haven't gone to the waterfall in the woods. It's your favorite place, isn't it? Stay with me, Ji. Please.” 

 

Seunghyun almost screamed when he heard Jiyong's weak voice. It's something weaker than a whisper, and Jiyong struggled to speak. 

 

“I know, hyung. I will never leave you. I will always be here.” Jiyong raised his hands to Seunghyun's chest. “Remember me, hyung. Don't forget me.” 

 

Jiyong's hand fell from Seunghyun's chest, his chest never rose up anymore. 

 

Jiyong fell asleep. 

 

Plitter-platter on the windowsill. 

 

.. 

 

Jiyong was ten. It was his birthday, and Seunghyun bought him to the treehouse he built for him. Jiyong remembered how Seunghyun's beautiful smile outshone everything, even the sun, the heartfelt laugh that echoes in the woods. 

 

They fell asleep together on the wooden floor, too exhausted after spending the afternoon together. Jiyong woke up in Seunghyun's arms. He snuggled against the elder's chest, silently wished for the time to stop at this exact moment. 

 

Jiyong took a little knife out of his pocket, and carved a few words between the space between Seunghyun's chest and his. Jiyong smiled when he saw Seunghyun's peaceful face, so pure and innocent to the world. 

 

Seunghyun woke up half an hour later, but he didn't notice the carefully carved writings on the floor. 

 

They left for home. Jiyong took a last peek at the floor, lips turned upwards when he imagined the reaction Seunghyun would have when he finally noticed it. 

 

JY <3 SH

 

---

 

Hello guys! First of all, all the love to the subscribed to this, (tbh idk how you guys will have this trust for me even I had this ish foreword lmao) and all the ones who stopped by!

I was planning to post everything one shot, but my phone s with everything so yeah, this is delayed.

I knew I need to update Recording instead of writing this OTL, BUT NO ONE CAN STOP THE FEELS OKAY.

Love you guys who read it until this point, and please leave a comment!

Until then, tata! <3