“He’s here to see you again,” the familiar faced nurse had entered his room, a slightly irked expression adorning her while standing in the doorway. “Even though visiting hours are over, he’s causing a disturbance in the lobby; refusing to leave until he’s seen you.”

Chanshik let a ghost of a smile grace his lips, glad that nothing had changed since his absence from his daily life. That was just like him, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened either.

“Instead of calling the police, I think it’s easier to let him come up. You don’t mind, do you?” she questioned, moving slightly out of the room to be able to close the door a tiny bit. As if already knowing what his response was going to be.

He shook his head, causing her to nod in acknowledgement before disappearing with the door shutting after her.

The smile never left his face all the while, an inexpressible feeling of happiness coursing through him. It wasn’t like it was rare for him to get a visit; in fact it was every day that Sunwoo came to see him. He knew full well how much trouble he got into whenever he spent the night in his room or stayed the majority of the day. After all, the band continued on without him.

He didn’t mind, as long as his friends were happy.

Every time Sunwoo came into his room, he always had something to say. It was either about what had happened that day, or what was going to happen. He was always keeping him up to speed on what was going on in the outside world. Since he was unable to see it for himself except from the window, but even then he didn’t have that great of a view. It was only of a fairly small courtyard that was blanketed with snow.

Currently it was much too dark for him to clearly see anything in great detail, only a few lamp posts illuminated the darkness. The time was close to ten at night, and he was certain it was a Friday.

It might as well have be Friday every day, it made absolutely no difference to him. The passage of time was something he only loathed, and it continually meant nothing yet everything. Every night when he fell asleep, he’d have the same wish. When he woke up the next day, it never came true. It left him wondering how soon precious, meaningless time would run out.

He felt like it was the only thing he could hold onto, but was helpless letting it slip through his fingers every passing second. It was a miserable feeling, to realize there was nothing he could do for himself.

What simply started as a common flu, turned into being admitted to the hospital, and here developing Pneumonia.

Not being told since it was obvious, he wasn’t getting better. His breathing was becoming shallower and shallower with the days; he had to take extra effort to breathe when not having it administrated. Often when he slept it was so that he didn’t suffocate. The chest pain was nearly unbearable; it was like being continually pricked with multiple needles in one certain spot. It made breathing so much harder when all he felt was pain every time he inhaled. His lungs might as well be filled with nails, scratching and dragging their sharp edges against the inside of the organ.

His entire body was always shaking, no matter how many blankets he had over him. He couldn’t eat real food; he couldn’t leave his bed except for showering or other basic needs of the sort, and he hadn’t been outside in nearly a month. It was easy for someone to become depressed in such a situation.

And he was, but he would never let anyone know. Whenever his friends came to see him, he was always smiling no matter how he felt inside. He didn’t want to give them another reason to worry.

He’d never told anyone how much he spent crying to the point of exhaustion. No one knew how scared he was every second, afraid that his lungs were going to stop working and he was going to die.

No one had to tell him the inevitable; it was quite clear by his worsening condition. But still, he hoped. He wished every night that he’d wake up, and feel like he could breathe without needing a machines help. That he’d be able to leave this hospital and go back to being a part of the band. Even though they visited often, he missed them. They weren’t able to stay for very long due to their busy schedules, but it seemed that Sunwoo was always disregarding them completely. When everyone else would leave, he would stay.

Even though he’d probably never admit it, it made him happy. It made him feel like he wasn’t as alone as he felt, that Sunwoo would always be there for him.

Whenever his friends showed, they always made him feel like they were back at the dorm and nothing had changed. Even Sandeul and Sunwoo would bicker and punch each other around, and then Dongwoo would nag them to be more careful since they might break something. Jinyoung was always smiling, but it was easy to see how concerned he was. For the first few weeks, he was incredibly tense. If someone placed a hand on his shoulder, his whole body would shudder. Eventually he seemed to relax, but it was obvious how hard it was for him to be here.

His parents had been the same way, they’d came to see him about a week ago and weren’t able to react properly to hearing the news. They’d been at first shocked when walking into his room, but once reality set in; his mother had sat by him for nearly two hours simply talking. None of it relevant to the other, but he saw it as a way of comfort. His father had been on the other side of him, listening as well unless urged to speak. They did this for a week until leaving with heavy hearts. He’d been upset on their departure, knowing that they wouldn’t be coming to see him for a while, but knew they had other responsibilities that couldn’t be ignored.

He’d heard from the rapper that every time he came to visit, he’d run into his parents when entering the building. At first they hadn’t recognized each other, but after the forth encounter had stopped to converse briefly. Being informed that his parents had told Sunwoo to look after him and make sure he got well, which lead him to believe they already put a great deal of trust within him. It had surprised him, since they didn’t know him all that well. But figured it was because they noticed him coming in every day, that they believed he thought Chanshik was someone special.

It was hopeful, but he liked to think it was true.

They’d grown closer over the past month, which was apparent to anyone. It gave him something to look forward to, knowing that the rapper was going to visit him. He was always smiling whenever he was around, doing and saying the most ridiculous things to make him laugh. Even if it was physically hard on him to do so, he did it anyways. He’d never tell him how much pain he was actually in, afraid that he’d stop being so carefree and instead much too cautious for his own good. At least for a split second as he laughed, there was some relief of joy before the agony returned.

Sunwoo was always completely omitting the rules of the hospital and visiting hours, showing up well past the permitted time and not leaving until he was allowed into his room. It put a smile on his face to know that he practically fought with whoever got in his way, to what seemed like any extent. Having thanked his nurse more times than he could count for not having him thrown out, if it was up to anyone else, he would be not so kindly escorted outside and not let back in until the next day.

He was cheerful whenever one or all of his friends came to see him, but was happiest whenever he saw Sunwoo. By him, he was treated as if there was nothing wrong. There were no looks of pity or sadness, it was always some other emotion like happiness or anger on occasion. He’d even punched him, not too hard, on the shoulder for teasing him to the best of his ability to speak. He never gave him any kind of special treatment, he never cried when they spoke of his condition and how it wasn’t improving.

There was only pure positivity, no matter what was brought up or how Chanshik felt. He was always telling him that he’d get better soon, there were never if’s or I hope’s, it was always when or will. Often times than not, he believed him for that mere second, he made him feel like he truly was going to get better.

Even if the chances of that were slim to none.

He wished that he was able to reply to him more, so that when he visited, it wasn’t like he was talking to himself. His inability to breathe well provided the unfortunate occurrence of a labored speech pattern. It wasn’t that he couldn’t pronounce words, more that even a single sound from his vocal cords made it so he had to breathe heavily afterwards. Which was why he didn’t speak when not needed, it only made everything worse. The rapper didn’t seem to mind, he enjoyed talking anyways so it wasn’t that big of a put off.

Chanshik wanted to thank him, for everything. But his lungs wouldn’t allow so many words at once. He’d considered using some kind of notebook to communicate, but his handwriting was atrocious and barely legible; doubting that the other would have any clue what he was saying.

There was a soft knock on the door, making him bring his attention towards it. A few seconds later a familiar face was poking his head in to look around the room curiously, and then focus on Chanshik. When their brown pupils met, the elder showed a jubilant appearance.

“Hey, Channie!” he began happily, coming into the room without turning his back.

As a response, the black haired boy raised his hand to wave a few times before resting it back in his lap. He was sitting up on the bed, the pillows and elevated mattress making it much more comfortable than it could have been. With curious eyes he watched as Sunwoo closed the door with his foot, keeping his hands behind his back. He was obviously hiding something; causing his interest to perk. He wanted to ask, but kept the words back knowing he’d regret speaking a few seconds after.

“Are you doing better?” he inquired, Chanshik always appreciated that his questions were something he could simply reply to with a shake of his head. It made not speaking much easier.

He shrugged, not actually doing any better, but not that much worse. At this point, it was hard to feel anymore horrible. As the rapper pulled a chair from the side of the room over to his bed, he tried to get a glimpse of what he was hiding behind him. Eventually he was seated and their eyes were on each other. Chanshik took the opportunity to gesture his wonderment to whatever was beyond the elder with a finger pointing barely past his shoulder.

At this, Sunwoo’s face turned into one of slight embarrassment and an evident blush crept over him. Turning his head to the side, he cleared his throat nervously. Chanshik wasn’t sure if he was acting or genuinely nervous.

“I got you something, I thought you might like It.” he stated shyly. Pulling his other arm from behind his back, the next thing the ebon knew a stuffed panda was being placed on top of the blankets over his lap.

Chanshik immediately picked it up, looking at it intently while Sunwoo continued.

“While we were out a few days ago, we drove by a toy store and I saw that sitting in the window. I made them stop the car so I could get out and buy It.” he admitted, the younger taking his eyes off of the bear to gaze at other while listening to his story. “I was thinking about how I didn’t like the idea you were so alone here, and well—” rubbing his neck gingerly, he deliberated on. “I thought he’d be good company. I mean, I know it’s just a stuffed bear and all, but I read hugging a stuffed animal gives you the same feeling as hugging a person.”

By now he could tell that he’d become quite self-conscious, it made him grin.

“I can take it back if you don’t want it, I just had this feeling you would.” concluding unsurely, he hesitantly raised his attention back towards Chanshik to see his reaction.

The black haired boy shook his head feverishly, setting the panda back onto his lap to pet his head. It was a thoughtful gesture; he surely hadn’t been expecting it after all. This was the first time anyone had brought him anything, besides some deliveries from fans that were mainly homemade cards and other gifts wishing for his good health. The panda bear actually meant a great deal to him already, he couldn’t imagine parting with it when Sunwoo had gotten it for him. That he had been selfless enough to make a special trip into a toy store just to buy him a stuffed animal.

It made him so unbelievably happy, if only he could voice it.

With his response, he was visibly relieved. “I’m glad, now I can do stuff like this.” Sunwoo suddenly grabbed the panda from his lap to hold in front of his face. Treating Chanshik as if he were speaking to a child by the way he altered his voice. “I would have been so sad if you would have sent me back, you have no idea how many times I fell on the floor and was forgotten to be picked up. Kids are so reckless sometimes.”

Chanshik couldn’t keep back his laughter, his smile growing uncontrollably at the other’s antics. He felt the pain almost instantly but tried his best to ignore it.

Sunwoo grabbed onto the bears paws to move them around, making the panda seem much more animated. “But now that I’m here, it’s my job to make you feel better since Baro can’t be here all the time, even if he wants to be.” he made the bear suddenly cover his face. “I didn’t think you’d be so cute, this might be harder than I thought.”

It was impossible at this point to keep from smiling, his cheeks even beginning to hurt from unmoving them.

The rapper leaned forwards slightly, still holding the bear in front of him so that Chanshik was unable to see his face. “There’s a secret I want to tell you, but make sure you don’t tell anyone I told you, especially that squirrel faced guy. He’ll get mad and send me right back to that store.” he made the bear hold its paw out to him. “Promise?”

Chanshik took his paw in his hand to lightly shake it, making sure that Sunwoo was able to feel it through the intimate object he was personifying.

When he let go, the elder pulled the arms of the bear up to its mouth as if it were whispering something to him. “I heard he likes you, but is too embarrassed to say anything. How stupid is that?”

He continued to smile until he realized what had just been said to him. His face morphed into confusion, forcing the panda down so that he was able to make eye contact with the elder. He searched his eyes for what the meaning behind the words meant. Humiliation was what he saw first, but underneath that was sincerity.

Did he just confess that he liked him, or was it just a statement of fondness he felt as friends?

He’d never considered the possibility of either one of them liking the other in a way other than friendship. If this was what he was implying, he didn’t know what to think about it. There was an urgency that formed over him, needing to know the meaning of what had been said. He had to know in order to process the situation any farther.

Sunwoo seemed to get the hint that he wasn’t clear enough; he placed the stuffed bear down on Chanshik’s lap before turning his face away. He was quickly became flushed; it gave him an idea where this conversation was going.

“I’ve seriously had feelings for you for a while; I just never had the courage to say anything.” he admitted honestly, still not sparing Chanshik a glance. “I know I’m kind of springing it on you, and I don’t expect you to feel the same way. But I just wanted to let you know.” he faced him again, a look of pure honesty and compassion in his eyes. He’d never seen Sunwoo be so sincere; it actually made his heart skip. “That’s not the reason I come to see you every day, I do that because I realize how lonely you must get here. I want to be here for you whenever you need me.”

Chanshik felt his mouth slightly agape with his words, unknowing of how to react or if words from him were needed as confirmation to his statements.

“The dorm and the band aren’t the same without you. I hate not seeing you at the table for breakfast and not on stage with us, it doesn’t feel right. It’s like a huge part of all of us is missing.” he suddenly frowned, his pupils trailing off towards the bed. “I’m really worried about you. I know I’m always positive when I come here but I do it for both of us, to make us both believe things are going to get better. I know they will, but until then it’s hard to imagine they’re actually going to.”

His words struck something within him, making his heart ache painfully. He wasn’t sure if he felt guilty for letting everyone down, or guilty for not realizing Sunwoo had liked him for so long and tortured him with his unawareness. The band was suffering; everyone he knew was suffering from him. It hurt to think about, to imagine how many time’s they’d gone on stage with only four members and be forced to perform. To imagine how dull the dorm must be without everyone home. He felt weak, there was nothing he could do for himself or for anyone else to make them feel better.    

Sunwoo’s confession hit him the hardest. To think after all this time, and he hadn’t even realized it. That he felt differently towards him and he’d gone on blissfully ignorant of such feelings. It wasn’t like he made them obvious, but knowing he felt differently towards him and being too afraid to say anything made the guilt strangle him.

He wasn’t sure what to think, he’d never thought of liking him since they were simply close friends. But he couldn’t deny that Sunwoo was always there to make him smile and laugh, this past month he’d disobeyed even their manager to come see him. Now that he seriously thought about it, he felt ridiculously stupid for not realizing or thinking anything of it. However long his feelings had been transpiring, it was torturous to think Sunwoo had gone through being able to keep his emotions suppressed under a guise.

His eyes easily began prickling with tears, but he tried his hardest to keep them back while Sunwoo began speaking again.

“And I don’t want you to feel pressured into liking me or anything.” a nervous smile suddenly came over him. “But maybe at least giving me a try wouldn’t hurt? Like a date as soon as you get out of this place.” his words were nothing less than shy, he’d obviously put some thought into when this moment would come.

Chanshik nodded, trying to return his smile but it became corrupted by tears. His breathing was becoming heavier with each passing second, causing his lungs to feel as though they were drying up inside his body. There was no way he couldn’t give him a chance, not after everything he had done for him. It would be selfish not to. Soon the broken smile was replaced by a wrenched scowl, his eyes falling to focus on the panda’s head while he attempted to breathe and cry at the same time.

He felt pathetic, to be crying in front of Sunwoo. After all this time, he’d been able to appear so strong. But now those fake walls of strength were crumbling, all he did was watch as they began to fall.

“I’m scared.” he whispered in the softest voice he could make audible. His body started to tremor, thoughts racing through his mind unbelievably fast he couldn’t fathom to catch up. There were so many things he was frightened of, so many things that could happen and he’d have no control over them. He didn’t want to die; he didn’t want to hurt his friends, his family anymore. He wanted to get better, to finally leave this hospital and go out with Sunwoo like he’d just said he would.

Every single odd seemed to be against him at this point. His recovery was at a standstill between getting much worse and improving, even if not drastically. There was so much stress, so much pain pounding on his body he felt like he was going to snap at the slightly touch. There was always the recurring though in the back of his mind, what it was like to die. What would happen and how he would feel, or where he would go. It all scared him so terribly; he didn’t want to have these kinds of thoughts. He wanted to be back at the dorm with everyone else, he wanted to be able to breathe and feel like his lungs weren’t going to collapse every second.

He wanted to go outside, to remember what it was like to feel like sun and the wind on his skin. The air in his room was always stuffy and felt as though it was slowly suffocating him.

What had he done to deserve this to happen? What would he have to do to make it go away?

He was tired of all this grief he was causing himself and those around him, it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right.

All he wanted was to feel normal again, to feel happy. To not cry so much, to know that he was going to be ok.

Was all of that too much to ask for?

“If it’s any consolation, I’m probably as scared as you are.” reaching out, he took his hand gently in his own. Running his thumb along the back of his hand slowly in an effective way to calm him, Sunwoo stared deeply into his eyes with an air of reassurance. “But you will get better, and before you know it, you’ll be back with us performing again. I promise.” he added with a smile. 

“Promise?” Chanshik muttered hoarsely, feeling a great sense of security and calmness as Sunwoo spoke to him and held his hand. It was as if he truly believed that his words were the final truth, that whatever he said had to come true because he was Sunwoo, and why would he lie to him?

He nodded, expression unwavering as he let go of his hand to grab the panda bear and press it to the youngers chest. “I’ll be here until you’re better. But when I can’t be here physically,” he gestured to the panda, “then he’ll have to watch over you for me.”

Chanshik glanced down to the bear to take him into his arms, a wide spread smile creeping over his face as more tears spilled. He brought his attention back to Sunwoo, leaning forward to wrap his arms around him. This was the happiest moment he’d ever felt since being admitted to the hospital a month ago.

There was no choice now, he had to get better. He was going to; he’d convinced himself of this.

Sunwoo would never lie to him.

Forbiddance knew to bring the rain today, to wash away the snow on his path but also create that all common echo of sorrow stricken sensations throughout his body. His umbrella temporarily shielded him from the droplets, but he would only be coming one way with it.

In his other arm was a small blanket along with a stuffed panda bear, both also would only be coming one way.

The best way to describe how he felt was simply numb, completely detached from reality; like walking in a nightmare far away from his body in a land of unconsciousness. His face was devoid of any kind of emotion as he made his way down the single concrete path, past rows and rows of graves.

Grief and misery often led to one’s self-destruction, and he had crossed this point. Past the tears, the pain, the sorrow, he was in an inescapable hallucination merely living his life as if it still possibly meant something.

Nothing was the same.

Nothing would ever be the same.

He knew this, being no longer in denial, no longer forcing himself into a self-created prison.

This was the final thing he needed to do, his closure. He may never fully move on, and he knew he’d never forget, that dreams would still terrorize and plague him for months to come; but at least there would be a sense of peace.

Plus he had promised to always watch over him, and when he couldn’t, it was passed along to the stuffed bear cradled in his arm.  

It didn’t take long to find the tombstone he was searching for, having already visited it multiple times. The rain had melted and washed away the snow that had been resting over it; the mud looked fresh, almost as if it was yesterday it had been tousled.

In fact it had been nearly four months.

Four long months filled with nothing but the beginning of life long melancholy.

He stared at it for what might as well been five minutes. Part of him not wanting to let go, and the other knowing that this was what had to be done; it was like fighting between hope and justice.

Justice always won.

“Sorry, that I haven’t been watching over you like I said.” he began with an unshaken voice unlike many times before. Maybe he was simply speaking to himself for solace, or speaking to someone he hoped somehow could hear him. “It’s been difficult to bring myself to do this, since I still don’t want to let you go.” as he spoke, Sunwoo kneeled to the ground. Not caring much for his pants as he pulled out the blanket from underneath his arm to place next to a few extravert bouquets of rose’s colored white and red.

“I’m sure you’re probably angry with me, I am too.” he breathed a shaky breath. Still remembering the day he’d lost him, it was like his heart had been ripped viciously from his chest in one single pull. “But I guess it’s sort of payback, since you said you’d go out with me and you never did.”

He realized there were a few stray tears falling, they were so cold he’d mistaken them for rain but remembered the umbrella was still covering his head.

One of his biggest regrets to this day was not telling him how he felt sooner; maybe he would have gotten that date.

Setting the panda bear down on the blanket, he dug a small hole in the ground deep enough for the handle of the umbrella to fit, placing it down then burring it to keep it stable. This way, no matter if it rained or snowed, he’d be safe in the unruly conditions.

Standing, he disregarded the mud now staining his pant leg and hands. He tried to smile, but it didn’t feel right. “I’ll try to come as often as I can. We’re still not sure what we’re going to do without you.” he proclaimed, referring to the still shaken members and manager of their band. The way it was looking now, there was a possibility they’d break up. It just wasn’t the same without him, and they couldn’t replace him, it was unheard of.

He still wished he’d been there, before he died. His nurse had given him the panda bear, saying he hadn’t let go of it all the while.

“I’m sorry for lying to you, for breaking our promise. I wanted you to get better more than anything, I was so hopeful…” he trailed off; regretting every day that he’d let that promise fall through his fingers. If only he’d been there, even if there had been nothing he could do to stop his death, at least he would have been there. He would have done everything in his power to not let this fate come to pass, if only it hadn’t. Who knows what their future would have been, if they would have had one.

He would most likely harbor these regrets the rest of his life, but at least that would mean he’d never be forgotten.

Turning away, he stuffed his dirtied hands into his pockets. Letting the rain wash over him, it neither made him feel freezing or damp. His entire body was already ice-covered; the tears cascading endlessly. What was the difference between the two?

I have no idea why I write things like this, but I do and I don't know how to stop. I guess it was sort of bound to happen since I prefer this to something happy. Oh well.

Thank you for reading!