Now or Never

At the night of December fourteenth, the gentle swirl of winter solace was still present. That night, I have missed the scent that used to linger in me. The name I loved so much has slowly dissipated into thin air, but forever and always, it had been a part of me and wouldn’t be erased. I trust.

Lying down, I missed how I used to have her in my arms, there, just laying her head on my arms and I look at her with those ever loving eyes gazing at me. Will she come back?

“Our fated meeting was bound to happen again, wouldn’t it? When will you come back?” I stifled an escaping sob, afraid that she might ‘hear’ it. She hated when I felt sad, sympathetic and regretful. I closed my line of vision, hoping that once I reopened them I’d see her again. I had gotten used to my longing, every day I waited. But it never seemed to occur to me that she had went away, gone.

“Can I see you.. again?” I whispered, as if she was there, and for the nth time I could have wished reality would cross point with dreams. “Awake me from this terrible dream. Tell me, Haneul, tell me that this is all just a dream.” I rocked back and forth, as if to comfort my soul from my own mirage. It had been a routine, to tear and long, to find and misbelieve, to confuse fiction and fact.

While I perplexed myself with the reverie I was in, a loud thud had been made outside my door. I rushed, hoping it would be her.

“Onew, I.. I’m sorry.” The thin voice softly pressed on my ear, and naturally, almost seemingly, I had called out to her.  “Haneul?” My eyes didn’t deceive me, after all that had happened, she appeared. Finally. But I couldn’t seem to hold back my feelings, much to an extent I hadn’t known I would be feeling. It was yearning, indeed.

“Haneul.. Haneul?”  Tears flooded my eyes and blurred her out my vision, but I made sure to capture her in my lovingly embrace, almost incarcerating her within my love-filled cleave. “Haneul, don’t go. Haneul, why only now?” I muffled into her ear, and my heart pounded from the feeling of her cold countenance.

“I can’t stay long.. but Onew –” Her lips seemed to speak of its own. I felt her arms, with her frail figure slowly leaning on me. The warmth was gone, but it was her figure, that ‘her’ I’ve fallen for.  

“I don’t want to lose hope. You’ll come back!” I panted, more and more giving her my warmth. It was like a turn back of events. Her fragile form slowly hovered in my arms and began to lose strength. This, again. It hurts me.

My time was almost over; I know she would be gone soon, squandered under my conscious mind. It killed me to see her perish away, to hear her utter her last words and feel her heartbeat stop forever. But I had wanted this, even just for today – because through this I could see her again though the pain doubles. “Onew.. Onew, Happy Birthday.” She made through a whole sentence and I couldn’t help but smile amidst the river of tears I was drenching her in.

The pain doubled each time, for every December fourteenth ‘we’ had gone through, it was hard. And today’s the 2^nd year she had passed away, and I’ve always thought she was still there, somewhere I just couldn’t seek for. It had hurt her too, but I couldn’t help but be selfish. I beg the Almighty and Angels to let her stay, but I confuse myself too much of dreams from reality because of sorrow and longing: that she had been gone already.

“Open your eyes, Onew.” She whispered against the frosty breeze . I was too afraid of what awaited, because I knew she would grace the way to thin air and all would have been just a dream. I wanted her to stay a little longer. Her calling out my name seemed so surreal. I felt her pulse, I felt her lips brimmed over mine and I thought I had been dreaming all along. I was taking an unsure step, but if it was the only way, it was now or never.

I slowly opened my eyes, finding myself lying coldly on my bed, with her vanilla scent seeming so tangible. She had been long gone, but now, it seemed so existent. It seemed like now was before.

Before I knew it, I glimpsed her ethereal self, as if an angel before me happened. Words couldn’t explain how grateful I was. What was happening?  Was.. was she finally back? I had looked at her a little too long, just taking in the beautiful lover I had, and will always be in love with. “Onew?” Her voice sounded so real, my eyes dwelling up more tears.

“Onew! Onew, why are you crying?” A hesitance prompted first, for I was so afraid that if I touch her, she would turn into a horizon of dust. And I wouldn’t miss out on this encounter of her. Confusion pondered me up but I knew what was better. I pulled her, wrapping my firm arms around her as I take in her lips with mine, reuniting our lost souls. It was a kiss like before, the way she grazed it softly, the way she reciprocated, and it was all the same. Turn back of time.

All I knew was love poured out of me. I wanted her to feel what I’ve been yearning for. “Please don’t go, please. Don’t leave me. I wouldn’t miss out on you the second time around.”

She hushed me; I felt her comforting me with every graze of her heavenly-sent figure beneath me. With every kiss, I whispered. “I love you, you are my paradise.”

With every passion of love I made for her, she would acknowledge. The bittersweet emotion I had, all turning in to me like the past had been repeated. It hurt so much, knowing my lover would have to leave soon. It felt as if we would have been in a dream, yet the seemingly dream had turned into reality then.

“Promise me, you’ll stay by my side.. please.” I breathed out in the crook of her neck, holding onto her tightly for dear life. I wouldn’t want her to disappear even if this ‘reality’ was only just in dreams.

“Onew, I’m confused –“

“Just promise.” I searched in her eyes, that maybe somewhere, I could find the reality. I could assure myself that she was really before me.

“I promise, Onew.” I sealed in her for another kiss once I felt the sincerity of what had been happening. I was afraid of tomorrow that dawn might take her away. But she secured me, for her love, I would believe, I would hope, I would put faith for her tomorrow’s existence. I would do anything to fight for tomorrow. I prayed to God.

~~

A night on December.

As if it had been a manifestation of the past, I lived today to bring back the past even just for a day. What was lost, was it about to return?

“Onew, am I already gone?”

~~

SHINeesJuliette: Merry Christmas to everyone, my lovelies! <3 May you have a blessed day!

I hope you weren't confused or something, but it ever, feel free to ask! I haven't decided yet if I'll leave this as an open ending, so if there's any suggestions or if you want another chapter, I'll gladly consider your thoughts! Have fun today guys and give out love <3 ~~ Oh, and COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE too!