The Other
The Other
Well, finally here it is :D! Yes I know, the beggining and the ending is kind of rushed, I kind of got tired of writting XD. I would have made it more good if I had the time but I have to give it to the contest before tomorrow midnight and tomorrow... I don't have time XD... well I hope you'll still like it :O
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When we are young, when the world around us doesn’t preoccupy us, we tend to believe that our universe will never change. I was like that too.
My whole childhood, and a part of my teenage years, I lived it differently from the majority of people. My circle of friends was limited to about ten acquaintances. Maybe because I was a bit strange, always playing and being fascinated by things others wouldn’t even see. However, I did have two best friends, who were always there for me, who thought of my strangeness as a quality to become a great artist later; my parents. Never in fifteen years of life have I argue with them. I couldn’t remember any conflict with them. For more than fifteen years, we lived believed in each others, we were more like friends than family. We lived in happiness.
Then, on my sixteenth birthday, my life changed.
My parents organized the event for several weeks, inviting the little amount of friends I had and insisting with their families so they could all come, even going to the point of renting a hall especially for the occasion. But that, I only learned much later. To give everybody the time to arrive and therefore surprising me, my father tried to convince me to go take a walk to the best cake store of the city, which happened to be really far from our house. To look good, I accepted, promising them I would choose de most gigantic cake of the store.
So I cycled the whole twenty minutes distance to the cake store, and once there, I hesitated between many. I took the most outstanding in picture with my cell phone and sent them to my father to ask him his opinion. The discussion lasted a while, but after an hour I got out of there with an enormous box containing the biggest chocolate cake coated with strawberry coulis I had ever seen in my life.
On my way back, I noticed a small plush store. I knew that, as strange as it could sound, my mom loved everything that was plush like. So when I saw the huge teddy bear that was displayed in the front window, I could help but smile. That damn bear cost me all my saving of the year, but I really wanted to thank my parents for the cake. Now I have no idea where that damn bear is though.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t stopped at this stupid store while walking back home. If I had taken less time and had arrived sooner, would have I noticed that the oven was still open? Would have I been able to stop it before it exploded, the residues killing instantly my mom who was standing next to it? Would have I at least been able to call the fire department soon enough to give them the time to save my father, trapped by the flames, locked into the house’s basement? I’ll never know, but I always blamed myself for their death. Beside, maybe I’ll always blame it on myself...
My parents were bequeathing to me 100 000$ in their testament, money that I couldn’t touch before my majority. So I went to live with my aunt. She probably thought she would have a quiet teenager, a little bit strange, but that most parents would wish to have. Or maybe she thought she would get a young boy totally lost, whose parents left him way too soon and who would exclude himself from any social activity, locked in his room days and nights. She couldn’t have been more wrong.
Of course, I passed a few weeks moping, not speaking to anybody and staying in my new room, eating only when the hunger was becoming unsustainable. I had only became the shadow of myself, imprisoned by question and ‘’what if’’ that would never find their answers. Sometimes, I also wished I had died with them; at least I wouldn’t have had to endure this loneliness that was gnawing me from the inside.
Then one day, I had to return to college. I didn’t want to go, being thrown into this human jungle full of selfish person who would act as if they were sad for me, even though they had never even saluted me. All they wanted was to preserve their image, to look good. Unfortunately for them, I had every intention to ignore them, to not give a about them; they could look away if I was there.
But sadly, when the first hypocrite, a red-haired girl, probably dyed, whose name was Hwa Young, came to serve me her condolences, I couldn’t restrain a small smile and I thanked her. I did the same thing with all the others who came to comfort me during the whole day. And, while I was walking back to my aunt’s house, he came into my life.
The other...
Obviously, the other didn’t enter into my life just like that, but progressively, he created himself a place in my daily life and soon enough, we became inseparable, without me knowing why or how. We were totally different though; I loved life even with my lack of sociability, but he forced himself to not feel any emotions and even though he was way too sociable, he hated everybody, not letting anybody near us.
I didn’t really like him. Not at all in fact. I sometimes wish he would disappear, but the other wouldn’t let me go. And in a way, it was rather useful. He was always protecting me against dangers of life. Against people. Against pain. Against everything. And he was also helping me...
Not long before my seventeenth birthday, the other allowed me to make my coming out; I announced to my aunt that I was gay as plainly as if I had announced her my hair were black. The slap and the insults which followed never reached me, nor did it bother me when she threw me out, yelling that I was a disgrace. I never heard about her after that day.
I easily found a job at my friend’s family restaurant as a waiter and moved in a small apartment in no time. I didn’t go back to school. Anyway, it was a waste of my time since I could never focus on things I royally didn’t care. Instead, the other started to bring me into clubs...
I didn’t particularly like places like that, everyone was pushing against each other and most of them were either ugly or just wanted to find someone for the night. Yet, I wasn’t the exception, as I was in the second category. Every Friday, I was going back there and ending in a new bed every time, sometimes even without realizing it.
Most people remember their whole life their first time. It’s supposed to be a magical moment through which we become an adult and blah blah blah. All that was bull. At least, for me it was. My first time, I hardly remember it. I can’t even recall the face of the person to whom I gave my ity. The only thing I remember is the horrible pain I felt, soon followed with pleasure. Thereafter, it became an habit and people slowly started to recognize me. My reputation quickly became the one of a who anybody could have. It suited me anyway, probably being the last thing which was giving me a minimum of human sensations. We were far from the great artist from my parents’ dreams...
To be honest, after a few months, I started to ask myself what I was doing with my life. I realized that all this, I was only doing it because of the other. And I tried to get rid of him. But it turned out more difficult than I thought; I had been soaked with him like a sponge was soaked with water. Or maybe it was just my old myself who searched for excuses for what I had become...
Anyway, I came to accept the way too big influence of the other in my life. In any case, there was nothing I could or would do against him, he was totally dictating my behaviors and in exchange of my absence of protestations, he was protecting me from pain. I lived that way for the next four years, working during the week and on Friday nights, going back to clubs. I was accustomed to this life which, I thought, would never change.
Nonetheless, one of those famous Friday nights, everything changed...
That night started like every other; I entered the club and threw myself on the dance floor, wiggling too much to go unnoticed. It was what I wished for after all, for people to remark me, for people to take me with them. It didn’t take long before I felt a stranger’s hands landing on my hips while following their rhythm. I didn’t bother turning around, continuing to dance while pressing myself against the stranger with whom, I knew it, I would spend the night.
Few minutes later, I finally turned to see the face of the person who would abuse me tonight. Not that I cared much, it was only out of curiosity. But you see, curiosity killed the cat...
The man who stood before me, barely older than me, was handsome, to say the least. When his dark piercing eyes met mines, he offered me a breathtaking smile. The muscles of his arms, developed so much that I could have felt in security within them, moved his hands again towards my waist but this time, he brought me closer to him. I only noticed a few seconds later that I had stopped dancing... and he had stopped too. We were only looking at each other without saying a word.
And then, the other came back...
I extricate myself as best as I could from his embrace, maneuver which, I realized later turned out to be way too easy given his stature. For the first time in years, I got outside the club alone. Or at least, not officially accompanied, since the stranger followed me out.
The temperature was a bit chilly for an august night, giving me shivers. At that exact moment, the stranger caught my arm and turned me in such a way that our eyes met again. The other took the lead and attempted to free from the man’s grip, without success. Feeling the panic rising, the other tried to hold it in by pulling more strongly, but the stranger didn’t let go. Thinking he might be a madman, I was about to yell before his free hand, which was holding something, reached out towards me.
A jacket?
He finally loosened his grip on my arm and smile to me again. And, for an unknown reason, I loved his smile. Slowly, I took the jacket and put it on. The other was furious, I could feel it, but it was stronger than me. The stranger inspired confidence...
‘’Thanks...’’ I said gloomily.
He didn’t answer, continuing to smile always so happily. I could have simply walked away without adding anything, but I would have felt like a thief and steeling was one of the rare things I hadn’t done that was bad.
‘’How can I give you your jacket back later?’’
‘’You can keep it, I don’t need it anymore.’’ He answered me.
‘’But...’’
‘’My name is Joon, I’ve noticed you for sometimes now, Bang Mir.’’
At these words, the other and his distrust didn’t wait longer to come back, smelling an imminent danger. But deep inside of me, I knew he hadn’t come back only to defend myself from a potential attack.
‘’What do you want from me?’’ I asked, a little bit more sharply than what I intended.
‘’Just talk to you...’’
A light giggle escaped from my lips before I continued. ‘’About what?’’
‘’About what you do... I told you, it’s been a while that I’ve been watching you. I know that every Friday you come back and every time, you end up in a new man’s bed. And I don’t understand why someone like you abases yourself to this kind of things...’’
I gulped slowly. He must have truly been observing me for a while to have noticed it. But who was he to meddle in my life? I was living perfectly well that way, I didn’t need a pain in the to disturb me. Maybe he just wanted to protect me. But fort that, the other was doing a damn good job. Reasons to let him talk to me were absent. However I couldn’t refuse to talk to him, I couldn’t end this conversation.
‘’It has nothing to do with you...’’
‘’Ah, that, I know very well. So, as you don’t seem to be ready to talk to me, may I ask you to hang out with me from time to time? Just between good friends!’’
Definitively, this guy was strange. But again, something prevented me from refusing. Part of me wanted to see him again. So I said yes, to the other’s great displeasure.
The months that followed aren’t important as such. The point is the more I was getting close to Joon, the more I was taking back the control of myself. Nevertheless, the other was always on the lookout of the smallest mistake and those times when he was showing up, it could never end up well. But Joon would still stay by my side, no matter how many times I pushed him away and how many times I insulted him. Nothing was making him leave, and that precisely was what the other hated. I think he was afraid, no, we were afraid that Joon would leave without a word. Just like my parents...
Over time, I started to like Joon more and more. So much that one day, I realized I had fallen in love with him. And that day wasn’t one of my best. The other had been angry and my apartment ended up covered with pieces of broken glass and stick ripped from chairs. There was nothing I could reuse in all this mess. Just when I was about to clean, after calming down, Joon knocked at my door.
He helped me cleaning up that day, without even asking why I had done this. It was as if he felt like I wouldn’t have told him either way. After that episode, everything went back to normal, except that I was still wearing my burden inside of me. I didn’t dare to admit my feeling for him, because I couldn’t lose him. It would have been too hard. But the thing is, keeping it to myself was hard too. Yet, I stayed silent... Until one day, I couldn’t take it anymore.
We went into a park where we used to go, having planned to have a picnic peacefully. We comfortably installed ourselves and, after a few minutes that seemed way too short, I revealed everything. Surprisingly, Joon listened unflinchingly to my every word. Even when I stopped my stupid monologue, he didn’t talk. I thought it was because he didn’t feel the same so I started another monologue... which was never heard this time, since Joon interrupted me by pressing his lips against mines.
I didn’t dare to move, scared I would realize it was just a dream. Eyes widen from stupor, I gave no physical response to his kiss. It was as if my whole universe had stopped working during the few seconds that the kiss lasted. Gently, Joon withdrew his lips from mines before looking at me tenderly. In silence, our gazes met. Then, Joon frowned and looked away.
‘’I love you Mir, from the bottom of my heart and I’ll never leave you. I love the real Mir, the one who never shows up in public and who you only show me once in a while. I love him more than anything. But this fake you that you present to the rest of the world, it isn’t you and I know it. When we first met, you were... this other person that I can’t like. You’re so cold and distant when you’re him. I can’t love that other personality Mir...’’
Hearing this, my heart hurted. I always knew that the other would be harmful one day or another and that was the proof. The love of my life didn’t want me because of the other. How I wish I could get rid of him at that moment, but that wouldn’t happen that quickly, I was too accustomed to him to make him disappear that easily. But I was ready to give it a try.
‘’...I... the other is what I became Joon. I’ve been him for so long... I don’t know if I can be my true self again.’’
‘’Why did you become like that Mir?’’ he asked me, sadness in his eyes.
‘’After my parents’ death, I needed a way to survive, the other was the only way I found...’’
‘’Then tell him goodbye. If only the real Mir could be alone here with me, I could tell him how much I love him.’’
Without realizing it, tears started to slide down my cheeks. I never knew if it was tears of happiness or sadness, but I don’t give a damn now.
‘’It won’t be easy Joonie... but for you, I’ll try.’’
He first answered me with a smile before continuing.
‘’Don’t worry, I’ll be there to help you my love.’’
So we sealed our new love by a tender kiss.
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It’s been a year now since I have lived all this. Since then, I’m still with Joon and we’re going to get married. He still hadn’t officially proposed, but I found the ring while doing some chores the other day. I’ll say yes.
In one year, I achieve to completely getting rid of the other. Well, not completely. Part of him is still engraved in me. I’m way more sociable than before the accident, but I’m also way more leery. I did think that Joon would have left me since I can’t get rid of these traits, but he says it’s now a part of me and that he loves me even more. However I can see that my distrust is making him go crazy. But he still loves me that way. A mix of the old me and of the other, to make a whole new myself. He loves me in my whole strangeness and encourages me, just like my parents, to become an artist. Hence the new apartment in which we live together and where there’s a whole room dedicated to me. He loves me and I love him and that is all that matters.
Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be if my parents hadn’t died that famous day of my sixteenth birthday. Maybe I would have stayed a loner. I’ll never know and I don’t care. I guess I’m not the only one who lived all this. Because basically, we all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.
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