Standing By

I woke up and checked the time. It was 2:35 AM. I sighed and sat up in bed. How many times would I wake up and it be too hot? I removed my shirt and threw it on the floor. I was prepared to cuddle up with my sleeping lover when they started again.

My body began to shake and I crossed my arms tightly across my chest. This kept the shaking as small as could be so that I wouldn't wake my lover. I laid on my back and tried taking deep breaths. It felt like something was pressing down on my entire body and preventing me from breathing. I uncrossed my arms in an attempt to get oxygen to my lungs. The control I had over my body was now lost.

My body was trembling uncontrollably now. I couldn't quite describe the feeling. At one point it, this was uncomfortable. It had happened too many times for me to not be used it. My chest suddenly raised and dropped involuntarily. I could smell gasoline and it was suffocating me. All I could really feel was a tightness in my chest and stomach.

"Himchan!" I cried out miserably.

He always knew how to stop this. He would climb half on top of me, grab my throat, and whisper to me.

"It's all going to be okay," he would say.

Strangely enough, this would calm me down to a point where the shaking was barely noticeable. I needed him now. I called for him repeatedly, each time more desperate. He never answered. I never felt his hand gripping my throat or his body on mine. I never heard him comforting me, telling me things would be okay.

The smell of gasoline got stronger and I began to taste it at the back of my throat. I began choking in the middle of calling Himchan's name. My body convulsed more violently than ever. I suddenly felt myself in an upright position and arms wrapped around me, holding me to something solid. Jongup had woken up and grabbed me. He my hair and shushed me gently.

"I'm here," he whispered in my ear and began rocking back and forth.

I eventually calmed down and pulled away from him. He kissed my lips gently and caressed my cheek. I told him I would be okay. He was hesitant at first, but he eventually agreed to go back to sleep. I laid facing the door with my back to him. He s his arm around my waist and pulled me close. I heard his soft snores in no time.

I looked at the clock again. It was now 3:07 AM. I saw something move outside our door and I stared in that direction. There were two feet just standing there. I knew those feet belonged to Himchan.

Whenever I cried for him, he would come to this room. He never came in though. He just waited outside until things calmed down. Five minutes had passed before he finally left from in front of our door. I sighed and began drifting off to sleep.

One day, Jongup won't be able to stop me. Will you come in then, Himchan?