Passing by the corner record store, I noticed the large poster in the display window. Korea’s top idol band Super Junior topped the chart with their new album. On the poster, 13 handsome men looked back at me with seduction, confident and charisma, much like my first impression of him.

Without thinking, I walked in and picked up the album. I was getting ready to leave when the video on the big screen caught my attention. 4 guys of the Super Junior were performing a song called “I have a lover”.
Do you know that I do also have a great lover
Someone that I cherish so much that I had to hide
That someone, only I can see him …That person is you
I thought of him again, Yunho what have you been up to? Four years, has it really been four year. I remembered back in the days, we both liked listening to Kpop and watching Korean drama. You like the talented Dong Bang Shin Gi while I was a hardcore fan of the newcomer, Super Junior. Sometime we would even argue about which group can sing and dance better. Unknowingly, my thought traced back to four years ago.

We were only 17 then and both young and free. Although we attended the same high school and worked part-time at the same café, out conversation did not extend beyond hi and bye. We really started to get to know one another through a mutual friend. I was surprise to see you at the KTV on my best friend’s birthday and I was even more surprise to hear you sing. After that everyday we would walk from school to work and then you would walk me home. People noticed quickly and called us a couple. Of course I have feeling for Yunho other wise no girl would be willing to play this ambiguous game. But when it comes to him, I became uncertain. Sometime he would be very caring, taking shots for her at their friends’ party. Other times, he would behave like a different person and seem impatient with her. Just like that, we became close then distant and close again for two month; until one night…
It started just like any other night; we were partying with friend, joking carelessly. Then, I noticed you were drinking more than usual. And as you had hoped, you were wasted at the end. Since everyone claimed that we were dating, I was left with the responsibility of bringing you home. Your apartment was no stranger to me but I still felt uneasy. After I carried you over to the couch and I was about to get make you some tea when you I heard you say something. At first I thought you were calling my name but when I got closer a stranger’s name entered my ear. I suddenly understood everything. I suddenly understood why you would act so passionate at time and push me away the next day. She was the reason why you would never open your heart and accept me; your heart was already filled with someone else. The heat in the apartment kicked in but I suddenly felt chilled into my bones. Without realizing, tearing rolling downs my cheeks and I sat there with no concept of time until you moaned in discomfort. I wiped off my tears and got up to prepare a towel and some tea for you. The sun was about to come up when I finished cleaned you up. I took one last look at you and noticed you were smiling in your dram now so I picked up my purse and walked out of the apartment. Outside, the December air was chilly and it almost hurt to breathe, especially in the morning. In front of the apartment, I waited alone for a taxi and tears started to burn in my eyes. But I didn’t want anyone to see me like this so I started running as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran and I ran until I was sure I would not be seen by you and then I broke down. Kneeling on the ground, my tears continued to fall. Jung Yunho, when did you become so important to me? If tears can make me forget about you then tonight, I will allow myself to cry without holding back.
After that night, I began to distant myself from him. While Yunho on the other hand either didn’t notice or didn’t care; but either one of us say anything to one another. I was not disappointed. Maybe from the beginning we were never sometime irreplaceable in the other person’s life. Maybe the ambiguous phrase of a relationship is just ones imagination.

Until that night, I had successfully avoided many meetings with him but tonight was unavoidable since it would be too obvious. Just like the last time, he passed out from drinking and everyone left him with her. Feeling helpless but I still managed to bring him home. But over and over, he still called for “her” name. Ever time he called out her name, a felt a sharp stab in my chest and this time I couldn’t hold back my tears. I ran to the kitchen to calm myself down and returned with some tea for him but he knocked it out of my heart. With one fluid motion, he flipped over and I was underneath him. “Please don’t leave me” he was still calling for her. I tried to push him off but even when he’s drunk he was still much stronger than I was. But when I saw the tears in his eyes, I stopped fighting. Suddenly, I realized maybe I am attracted to him because we were the same type of people. We were two sad people trying desperately to find a hint of love in this miserable world. Yunho, if I can warm up your world and stop your tears, even just momentarily then that is enough for me. Once again the heat kicked in and the temperature in the room began to rise until it balanced out the cold December nights.

The next day, before Yunho was even awake, I had run away from his apartment. I have no regrets for last night but feeling him right now would be difficult, too difficult.
I wanted to forget about everything that happened between us and continue to be friends but things didn’t go as smoothly as I plan it. While I handed in my resignation letter and picked up my last paycheck from the café I saw Yunho running over to me. He was trying to say something but out of breathe from running “Rainie, last night…”
“Nothing” I cut him off sharply “last night was nothing. We are both mature adults and I was willing.” He grabbed my hands and suggested he didn’t believe what I was saying “I know you and I know you’re not like that. No one treats me better than you and I have never met anyone as kind and sweet as you. Can you give me one more chance and give us a try? Give me a chance to take care of you from now on.”
I looked up at him with surprise; he was covered with sweat and his eyes glistened with tear. I hesitated and nodded reluctantly. Maybe this is a gamble but I was willing to go all in. For the next few months, we spend almost everyday together. Not only did we discover many common interest, we also have a unique chemistry that was almost telepathic and made many of our friends jealous. We also applied and entered the same university. I almost started to believe happiness was meant to be between us; until our first valentines day together. I was so excited for this day that I even skipped a whole day of classes to arrange for our date. While we held hands and walked happily down the street, I noticed you looking at the girl walking towards us. Suddenly, you dropped my hand and the smile was gone from your face. Following your eyes, I saw her. She was not exceptionally pretty but she was seductive. She was exactly what I am not and cannot become. She brushed pass us without looking back yet your glaze continued to follow her. Without the warm of your hand, the weather suddenly became colder and the street too crowded. But to my surprise, I didn’t feel as sad as I thought I would be when this day comes.

On the way home, I walked in the front and you followed. We didn’t say another word along the way. After we got home, I prepared for dinner while you sat on the couch, drowning in your memories. I made all your favorite dishes and we ate in complete silence. Finally I said “Yunho, I picked up your new prescription. It’s in the medicine drawer which is the first drawer in your bedroom. You get nose bleeds in this weather easily so don’t eat too much fried and greasy stuff. Also alcohol is bad for your health so try not to drink too much…”
You finally looked up curiously and smiled “what are you doing?”
“Yunho, let’s break up.” I finally said it.
“what?” he looked at me carefully “are you joking?”
I closed my eyes and forced the tears back in. I didn’t want him to see me crying “Do you really think I’m joking or maybe you think us being together is actually a joke?”
Looking at me, he let out a deep sigh “Rainie, I’m really not in the mood today. Please don’t play this game with me today.”
I laughed sarcastically “Yunho, I’m talking about breaking up with you right now. What do you mean you are not in the mood? It’s either you agree or you disagree. And you should know the reason better than anyone. That girl we show earlier, she is the one that you just can’t seem to let go right?”
After a long silence, Yunho finally spoke “ Rainie, I don’t want to lie to you. When you are truly in love, it’s hard to forget so easily. But…”

“Stop! Then what am I to you? when you introduce me to your friends and family as your girlfriend, your love one, what were you actually thinking in your head? Am I just a spare tire, someone to keep around when you are lonely? If you really love her that much than why can’t you be braver and go ask her out?”
“Rainie, it’s not like that! And she…she doesn’t even know that I like her. I never even thought of going after her.”
“of course! She is beautiful, elegant and everything you ever dream of. It’s all because you can’t get with the princess that you decided to give me a chance.”
I knew my words were getting harsher but I had no choice. Seeing the pain in his eyes and the hurt in his voice, I had to be strong so I won’t break down in front of him.
“Rainie, you know that is not true. You are the sweeter girl I have ever met. I don’t want to let you go because I know you love me.”
His word didn’t make me feel any better, instead I felt dizzy as if life has been out of me. I used to think even if he didn’t love me, at least he would have some feelings for me. But now I realized the reason we are together is simply because I love him. It is all about what I want. Then what about what he wants?
“Yunho, you’re wrong. I don’t love you. You just happen to be in the right place, at the right time. You should know this is just a game. I don’t love you as much as you think I do, so goodbye!” I headed for the door as quickly as possible; but tears were already rushing out of my eyes.
Yunho, just ask me to stay. I’m just insecure; I just need to know that you still want me.
In my head, I begged for him to say something, anything but behind there was nothing! There was no familiar voice calling for me, no rush steps coming after me.
I stood outside the apartment for what seem like an eternity as I finally understood what it felt like to have heartache; I just never expect it to actually hurt so much.

The door bell rang and brought me back to reality. It was my neighbor asking me to turn down the music so their kids can go to bed. I said my apologies and close the door. I was able to turn off the stereo when the next song came on and the familiar voices caught my attention. I flip the album cover over and saw as I expected; the song was called Heart quake and a duet between Super Junior and DBSK. If we were still together, this song would probably become our new favorite. I put down the album and smiled at the thought. Fate allowed us to cross path but at the end we just weren’t meant to be. But I have no regrets because now I have a lover. One that brings tears to my eyes, one that only I can see…and that person is you.