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I thought with time, I’ll finally get over her. I’ll get over from the fact that she’ll never be mine and it was just all a game and that she never took me seriously. I thought that I was done feeling like this.

 

But why am I feeling this way? I should be mad at her for doing those things to me. But why can’t I just be mad at her even just for a split second?

 

This feeling that has been tugging my heart ever since I laid my eyes on that lady with pretty brown locks that falls perfectly on her shoulders, her eyes that immobilizes me on the spot as soon as we made contact, and her presence that reminds me of all those bittersweet moments from the past.

 

She’s like a reminder on how everything was screwed up before. A reminder that I don’t wanna see for the rest of my life, but here she is, standing in the flesh just a few feet away from me with that unknowing smile on her face that I want to erase.

 

Why?

 

Because her smile… is one in a million. Her smile brightens up everything.

 

And I hate it because of her smile I always fall.

 

I fall every time I see her smile. The very first time I saw her smiled at me… I suddenly couldn’t risk losing her. I’ll give everything up just not to lose her.

 

 Though she rarely smiles but it really looks good on her. She should smile often.

 

But now, just looking at her, it kills me. This goddess who doesn’t give a care on the world will never be mine. I wonder if we had those ‘closures’ like past couples did, I think we can work things out between the two of us. But the big problem is, we didn’t.

 

Why?

 

I was a coward. Knowing that she just toyed with my feelings, emotionally minded me and played with me, I don’t wanna know what will happen next. I don’t want her to say goodbye, I don’t want her away from me. I’m scared to face the truth that all of those sweet gestures, all our laughs, long nights, sweet texts, jokes, unofficial dates, comfortable silence, awkward moments and “I love you’s” meant nothing.

 

I just left. Ignoring her and pretending not to know her. At first it was hard because I was so hurt, everything around me shuts off and I was on autopilot.

 

But I know I’ll get used to it.

 

And I really did.

 

Now she’s here. I want everything to shut off and just disappear like a cloud of smoke.

 

I closed my eyes for mere seconds. Then opening them again

 

She’s still there with her back faced against me. She’s talking to someone and I decided to get out of this building as soon as possible before everything goes out of my grip.

 

As I step on my heel, I felt something in my heart that’s stopping me from walking away, just get to her and just grab the girl. But on my mind, it’s telling me to walk away because she’s been causing me pain ever since.

 

I decided to follow my mind.

 

I heaved a sigh and headed to the exit. I’m secretly wishing that she’ll run after me and whisper in my ear that she loves me and everything is going to be okay between the two of us, or even just call my name and smile at me, I know for a second, she remembers me.

 

But she didn’t.

 

Talk about wishful thinking.

 

Every step that I take hurts my heart. Every step makes me feel small. Every step I can hear my heart crash, the onomatopoetic Sound lingers in my mind, just like the zooming of a rocket to the moon. Call me sadistic but I got used to it.

 

The exit is now in my sight. I hurriedly went to the door and once outside, I just felt lost. Once again, I was lost. Without her my life has lost its sense of direction.

 

When I lost her, I lost myself.

 

Sad tears are b on my eyes. Thinking about the times when we almost had it all hurts me.

 

Thinking about her hurts me more.

 

And thinking about all the lies that she fed me even hurts me more.

 

While I was deep in my thoughts, I heard footsteps just behind me. Familiar footsteps, said my heart.

 

I decided to walk again. I turned to my heel and headed south where my car was parked.

 

Knowing her she would just give up walking because she is lazy as and just call my name if I’m further enough away from her.

 

“Sooyoung-ah!” a nasally voice called me.

 

Oh God. Her voice. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

 

I turned my head to the direction from where she is.

 

“Oh.” I act surprised, no seriously. I’m half-surprised because she followed all the way here. And half-unsurprised because I knew from the start that it’s her who’s following me. “Jessica-ssi. Hi.” I awkwardly smiled at her.

 

“Screw formalities. Call me Jessica, as if we’re not…” she paused for a moment, “as if we’re not friends way before.”

 

I’m disappointed for a millisecond because she called me a friend even if I’m more than that, wait, for me she was more than a friend. With her, I still don’t know. “Well. Yeah. So… what are you doing here? I mean, why are you here?”

 

“Why? You don’t want to see me here talking to you and stuff? If you don’t want to, I could’ve just leave. It’s no big deal.” She said, acting like she’s leaving but I abruptly stopped her.

 

“No. I didn’t mean it in a rude way, I was just asking why did you followed me all the way from here even if you’re inside the store earlier.” I explained.

 

She chuckled, “I wanted to talk to you.”

 

“About what?” Oh gosh. This is it. Is this the ‘closure’ that I’ve been waiting for after all these time? What will happen?

 

“About… us.”

 

I smirked at her, “There’s no such thing as ‘us’. I reckon you should know that in the first place.”

 

“That’s what you thought.” She suddenly dropped her head down low. I’m unable to see the expression on her face.

 

“What do you want for me to think then? Tell me something about it.” Thought-provoking tone was in my voice. I don’t want to hurt her but my ego is getting the best out of me.

 

“Let’s talk about it over lunch, can we? I’m seriously starving.” If there’s one thing that Jessica Jung is good at, it is in forestalling the topic and you can’t just argue with her anymore. Even though you have the right to.

 

We walked to the bordering restaurant just down the curb. Awkward silence engulfed us and it’s killing me. I decided to start a conversation with her.

 

“How have you been?”

 

“How have you been?” We spoke at the same time.

 

“You go first.”

 

“You go first.”

 

Then awkward silence again.

 

“Seriously, you should answer me first.” She said as she looked at me with her hazel brown eye that’s piercing through my soul.

 

“Oh. Okay then.” I sighed. I don’t know whether to tell her the truth or just lie.

 

“I’m fine. Not amazing. Just fine like good. How about you?” I lied. I was never fine nor good when I left. I was in a solitary confinement all these years and I forgot how life should feel like.

 

“I’m doing great. All my plans are falling into its right places.” She smiled at me, with her eyes twinkling like a little child telling a story to her mother who got 5-stars on her hand.

 

“Wow. I’m happy to hear that. I’m totally envious of you.” I smiled at her. Somehow, it’s making me nervous that maybe her heart is taken.

 

Before, she told me that if ever, in the future, the first thing that she’ll take priority first is the one that she’ll spend her whole life with. And when I asked her if who’s that person she wanted to spend her life with, she’ll always answer…

 

“I want to spend it with you Sooyoungie. I can see my future with you. I can clearly picture you with our future kids and spending every day of our lives with each other.” After that answer, I’ll smile like an 8^th grader whose heartstrings were strummed by her long-time crush.  I don’t know if that’s one of her schemes, to make me believe that what we had was ‘real’ in my eyes.

 

I don’t even get it how a person can tell you so many lies and don’t feel bad about it. I mean, damn.

 

How I wish it was true.

 

“There’s still one thing that’s missing though.” She bit her lip. I can sense that she’s nervous or shy about it. Or maybe both.

 

I gazed at her eyes before speaking, “What is it?”

 

“Let’s talk about it over lunch. Look! There’s the restaurant already, I’m already dead-hungry. C’mon Sooyoungie.”

 

I was taken aback, and so was her, by the cheesy nickname that she used to call me before, when we’re ‘couples’.

 

She slightly blushed. “Sorry Sooyoung-ah. Bad habits.”

 

I smiled, reassuring her that it’s okay. My breathing went ragged after that.

 

She remembers.

 

We entered the restaurant and settled on our seats. I wanted to pull out the chair for her, like I always did before, but naaaah, forget it she already pulled it out. She called the waiter and ordered her food, she asked me what I want, I said that I’ll take what she’ll order. The waiter took our orders and disappeared on the kitchen.

 

I looked at her, she’s already looking at me but she looked away once we had eye contact.

 

Awkward.

 

 I though we’ll talk about ‘us’ over lunch, you know what, we should just talk and have this closure and just get away with it. I said in my mind.

 

“Sooyoung-ah…”

 

“Yes? Jessica-yah?”

 

“I want to ask you a question…”

 

“Go on.”

 

“Why did you left? I mean, you just left without even saying goodbye or a warning that you’re leaving.” She asked me.

 

“I left because… “ you’re a ing who emotionally minded me. 

 

“of some heartbreaking matters.” I told her while looking at the newspaper ad outside the restaurant.

 

“Heartbreaking matters? What are those?” Curiosity was in her tone.

 

I closed my eyes and tried to recollect my thoughts.

 

“You still don’t know, do you?”

 

“What? Enlighten me.”

 

“I know all your schemes Jessica. I know you made me fall for you just because of that ing bet that you did with your friend, Tiffany Hwang. I guess I don’t have to elaborate all of it because I think you can just figure it out by yourself.” I told her calmly but inside me, I am mad.

 

Mad like hell because here we are again.

 

“Who told you?”

 

“Kim Taeyeon.”

 

“That midget.”

 

“What? It’s true though. Right? What do you think of me Jessica? A toy you can just play with and leave me hanging once you’re done and bored with me? Is that it? Was it fun for you to watch me fall?”

 

“You actually misunderstood…”

 

“Then tell me! ing tell me what is it that I have to understand!”

 

“That’s the problem with you Choi Sooyoung! You just jump into conclusions without even consulting me! That’s the biggest problem about you!”

 

We are now shouting in each other faces and I swear all eyes are on us.

 

“Can we not shout at each other?” I gave up first.

 

“You started it.”

 

“Ok. Sorry.”

 

“Are you ready to listen?” Her gaze is softer than before.

 

Before she even started opening , the waiter interrupted her. She looked at the waiter, no, I mean, glared icily at the waiter. The waiter shivered, exaggeratingly.

 

She mouthed, “Later” at me. And I half-smiled. Anticipating for her answer.

 

We ate our lunch peacefully. No words were exchanged for the first 5 minutes but halfway through the meal, she stopped eating, I looked at her and she’s looking at me sternly.

 

I gulped down the food that wasn’t even chewed properly. For some noobs, they might choke, but I’m Choi Sooyoung for Pete’s sake. Duh.

 

“Sooyoung-ah…” she started.

 

“I know you don’t like it if someone’s interrupting your meal…”

 

Heck no. If it’s you, it’s fine with me.

 

“Can you listen to me just for about some minutes… Don’t interrupt me if I’m speaking.”

 

“Sure. What is it Jessica?”

 

I attentively offered my ears for her. I’m ready to listen. Her confession will either break my heart or just give hope to me. Or maybe both. But I’ll choose the latter.

 

“You know, I admit, at first it was just a stupid bet between me and Tiffany…”

 

“I knew it.” I grumbled under my breath.

 

“I said don’t interrupt me!”

 

“I’m sorry. Go on.”

 

“Yes. It was just a ‘stupid’ bet. But as time passes by that I’m with you, I started to outgrow these feelings that I can’t even explain if I’m with you. I tried to shrug it off but… I just can’t because I’ve fallen in love with Sooyoungie but I’m still unsure of it. The day that Kim midget told you about the bet, I already told Tiffany that I want to stop it because I can’t afford to think about that I just thrown myself at you because of a stupid bet. And after I told her that, I was supposed to tell you about it also but the news came to me that you left for Japan. I don’t know, but when you left I felt useless, I felt like a mess. And that’s the time that I realized that what I felt for you was real. It was more than real, in fact. And after all those years, I’ve been thinking of you and I just can’t get you off of my mind. I tried everything to contact you but you’re unreachable. It feels like you’re just an illusion and you disappeared after but in my heart, you’re true. You’re still there. But after that, I got tired of waiting for something that’s not going to come, I almost gave up. They always tell me that, “Jessica, I think Sooyoung ain’t coming back. It’s time for you to leave those feelings behind.” But I know deep in my heart that you’re coming back. And when I saw you earlier at the shop, I knew that it’s you because you still gave me the fluttering feeling inside my stomach every time I look into your eyes. And when I realized that you left, I panicked because I’m afraid that you’ll leave again. So I ran after you and I realized it’s now or never. I have to tell you about how I feel before it’s too late. And now we’re here. And I can’t even be happier because you’re already here.” She said with tears streaming down her face. And letting out a heavy breath that looks like a big lump on her shoulders were removed from it.

 

After all those years, the one that I adore and love so much have been waiting for me, and me, being the idiot left her.  I wiped her tears with my thumb and caressed her cheeks lovingly with the back of my palm.

 

“Jessi, I’m so sorry that I just left you hanging like that. I’m a coward because I just left without even a warning. I just wanted to run away from reality and heartbreak. I thought I’ve moved on from you, but seeing you earlier after how many years. Every memory hit me on the face and I realized that I still love you. And I just screwed up everything for the both of us. I LOVE YOU and ONLY YOU.” I smiled at her and moved to her side to hug her.

 

The “I missed you so much” and “I love you very much” hug combined in one peaceful hug.

 

"You have no idea how comforting it was to hear you say that. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MORE SOOYOUNGIE." She said in between our hug.

 

“I know.”

 

We exchanged smiles.

 

A comforting smile because I know, everything is okay between us. That we already had the ‘closure’ that I’ve been wanting. I already have the girl that I loved for almost half of my life. I already know that the feelings are mutual. And I know, we’re in love… with each other.

 

“Sica… I’m just curious about the, you know, what’s the one thing that’s missing?”

 

She showed me her super mega-watt smile, “You remember the, uhm, first priority on my plans for the future?”

 

“Ofcourse, yes. Is it, it?”

 

“Yes. But I guess I already found it. I mean, I think it’s on the right place.”

 

“Is your answer still the same?”

 

She smiled sincerely. I think I already know the answer.

 

“YES.” She answered.

 

I smiled like an 8^th grader who got her heartstrings strummed by her first love.

 

-END-

 

A/N: Ta-da! Here it is. Is it good enough? It's my first time writing... so.... please bear with me.

Hope you like it.

 

*toodles*