Gone

 

 

 

Dara stared blankly out of her living room window. It was a rainy day. She watched as the droplets of teardrop shaped like liquid pour down simultaneously only to hit the ground and vanished. The sky is dark and gloomy, mirroring the feelings behind her pretty smile. She could hear the wind whipped the trees around like thin cornstalks and she felt like it’s mimicking the pained cries of her heart. She wrapped her arms around her when she felt the coldness of her surroundings, she sigh feeling the warmness of her skin, though she wished that it was his arms that is giving her warmth.

 

 

But those aren’t with her and she’s left with is the cold, the cold chill that runs through her at his absence. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she felt her chest tightens and her eyes turned misty when that realization hits her, and she doesn’t want to cry, she refused to be weak. She wanted to be strong not only for herself, but for him as well.

 

 

Her eyes wandered around the four corners of the apartment and instantly, fragments of their moments together played in her mind. She stared into nothingness as she replayed those moments in her mind like she is just watching a movie.

 

 

“Jiyonggggg…aigoo…stop playing around already…and put me down…” She whined to him, her arms clinging on his neck as he carried her in his arms.

 

 

“Hey baby, look…” He told her ignoring her whines and gestured her to look at what’s in front of them. A cute pout registered in her face and look at the direction where he is looking. Her eyes lit up and an amused smile crept in her lips. “Do you like it?” He asked her as he gently put her down on her feet.

 

 

She didn’t answer him and instead she scanned the room with a bright smile on her face, her brown eyes glittered with amazement. Shiny wooden oak floors, warm colored walls and state of the art furniture, a mixture of him and her, simple yet elegant, modern yet homey. She excitedly went to the window and opened the curtains, she gasped at the sight that greeted her, the whole of Seoul, the lights coming from the buildings, streets and other establishments shined under the night sky, and it is beautiful. “It’s so beautiful…” She breathed out. She looked lovingly at the man who is silently watching her “Ji…it’s so beautiful…”

 

 

He gave her a warm smile and approached her “It is right? But they’re nothing compared to you…”

 

 

“Aigoo….oppa is being cheesy again” She told him in a teasing tone and he chuckled.

 

 

“Welcome home baby” He said and hugged her from behind “This is our home…just you and I” He said kissing the top of her head.

 

 

“How did you managed to convinced appa?” She asked him and he just grinned at her mischievously

 

 

“You don’t wanna know”

 

 

Dara blinked her eyes erasing that memory in her mind. On their second year, Jiyong and her decided to live together, originally, he already wanted to marry her but at that time, she is just starting in the entertainment industry together with Bom, CL and Minzy, it’s only been a year since they debuted as 2NE1 and she still have a lot of things to do for herself and for her group, she’s still have something to prove to the people and she’s glad that Jiyong understands her and supported her. She let out a chuckle, up until now she still has no idea how Jiyong managed to convinced the president about them living together , heck, she still doesn’t know what he did for the president to accept that they’re dating despite her dating ban.

 

 

Voices and laughter, the sweetest murmurs and the softest whispers danced around her, mocking her as her memory of them together continued to play in her mind. She smiled bitterly, cause today all she can hear is the sound of the clock echoed quietly in the room reminding her that the minutes were indeed passing whispering to her that their time is up.

 

 

She went to the bedroom and her heart sink as once again their memories played in her mind,  she can still picture herself and him lying together in their bed, with his arm always wrapped around her waist protectively, it’s as if he is afraid that she’ll disappear once he let go of his hold on her. She closed her eyes, savoring that moment, taking all in everything that she can take in her mind, heart and soul.

 

 

Her brows furrowed hearing a faint chuckle near her, and slowly she opened her eyes and his face greeted her, flashing her his boyish smile, the smile that always makes her heart flutter.

 

 

“What are you doing?” She asked him, her voice is still husky and sleepy.

 

 

“Good Morning baby…” He greeted her , he’s eyes gazing at her with love and warmth “God, you are so beautiful in the morning” He told her giving her a peck in the lips.

 

 

She pouted “Only in the morning?”

 

 

He laughed lightly “You are always beautiful baby, inside and out, but to me, you are the most beautiful when you just woke up from your sleep” He scooted beside her and she turned to his side, her head resting on his chest , her arm on his waist. He snake his arm on her shoulder “I love waking up beside you, I love it when the first thing I see in the morning is your face”

 

 

“You really know your words Mr. Kwon” She giggled

 

 

“Only for you Ms. Park”

 

 

She smiled weakly. Her eyes scanned the bedroom and took a deep breath. She went to the drawer and grabbed the box that she called treasure. She opened it and emptied the box, the contents scattered in the bed. She reached out and traced a finger across the cheek of the face in the picture she’s holding. It was a picture of her and him back when they were still trainees, the photo were taken in an amusement park together with the other trainees.

 

 

“Yah! Kwon Jiyong! Call me noona! I’m older than you!!!”

 

 

“Tch! I look older than you, you don’t even look like a noona”

 

 

“Yah!!!!”

 

 

“And besides your brain is like of a five year old kid…”

 

 

“Yah! Take the back! You brat! Come back here! Aissh! Don’t let me catch you..you’re dead!!!”

 

 

“Stubborn brat” She muttered and chuckled softly. She put the photo down and reached for another one. This time it was a photo of her and him with Chaerin and Minzy. It was her birthday that day.

 

 

“Why can’t you call me oppa? I’m your boyfriend, you should call me oppa”

 

 

“I don’t want to…”

 

 

“Aigoo, Dara-unnie stop teasing oppa, look he’s turning red already…”

 

 

“Look unnie, Jiyong oppa is teary eyed already…”

 

 

“Yah! You two brats…why are you ganging up on me?!!!”

 

 

“But in the end, I called you Jingyo-oppa anyway…” She said to no one. Like the first photo, she put it down and reached for another one and she smiled recognizing what it was. It was a photo of him during his vacation in Paris, she remembered he uploaded it on his cyworld “Oppagamaiaekkyo” She whispered softly. It was his caption back then.

 

 

I think about you all the time, I want to help you always. That’s what the word meant.  At that time, she was feeling down and depressed, she was having a hard time coping up with the other members. She have a very low self esteem, and always belittled herself, she is her own critic.

 

 

“And then you came into my life and changed the way I think and see myself. You kept your word and helped me, you trained me and guided me all the way and until I made it and I debuted as part of 2NE1. You have shown me a different world, a world I thought I would never have, a world that fill with love and warmth. You made me feel really special, every time you will utter to me that special word, I feel loved and protected and cared of and it gave me strength to keep going.”

 

 

 

She reached for another photo and she laughed softly. It was a photo of him and her, she was holding a sign with the caption THE BEST and he was holding the NOT THE BEST sign.

 

 

“Jiyong-ah, I’m starving already, where the heck are you?”  

 

 

“I’m on my way baby, I’m sorry, I was at the studio and working on some new songs and I forgot the time”

 

 

“You don’t love me anymore!”

 

 

“Aigoo..baby..don’t be like that…wait for me okay…I’m on my way…yobeoseyo? Baby? Hello?”

 

 

“And you came rushing in the mv set with five different kinds of ramyun at hand and a bouquet of flowers” She chuckled “In the end, you are still the best”

 

 

Her eyes landed at a notebook and she smiled realizing what it is. It was his lyric sheets. It was a gift from on their anniversary and every time he made a song especially for her, she will compile it.

 

 

Bare feet lost in the white sand, she marvels at the touch, walking gracefully at the sea shore, she looked up the sky and her eyes squirm a bit adjusting her eyes to the sunlight, the sky is clear and the sun is bright. She spun around with her arms spread widely like that of an eagle, letting out a childish giggle, and he was just sitting on the sand watching in perfect happiness through simply watching her.

 

 

She spins in slow circles watching him as she does so, her silken brown hair tossing this way and that, apart from a small strand that she keeps in a twirl around her finger, running another over the surface of it, feeling its glory. He couldn’t help but laugh. She stops spinning and instead she lays upon the sand, not minding if the sand will get on her dress, she signaled for him to join her, which he did most willingly. He lay with his head propped on one arm; the other lays across her stomach and touches the sand beside her. She takes a rare bit of his blonde hair and tucks it behind his ear, his face as she does so. He come to rest closer to her, and she kisses him on the forehead. Nothing passionate, nothing as common as on the mouth, but it is full of meaning. She loves him and she never wants to be parted from him.

 

 

“Say you love me”

 

 

“I love you”

 

 

“Say  you think I’m beautiful”

 

 

“You’re beautiful”

 

 

“Say you’ll be with me forever”

 

 

“I’ll be with you forever”

 

 

“Only forever?”

 

 

“Forever and always. I promise”

 

 

And she smiled brightly, his heart somersaulted witnessing her smile, it was beautiful, angelic and magical. He gave her a chaste kiss on her lips and he stood up, offering his hand to her and she happily reached for it and he pulled her up.

 

 

“ I have something for you”

 

 

“What is it?

 

 

“It’s a surprise, but you will love it”

 

 

He took out his guitar and started to strum a beautiful melody and he started to sing, his eyes fixed on the beautiful girl listening to him with her eyes closed with a smile on her face, and he sang it to her with all his heart, offering to her his song.

 

 

“It was a beautiful Ji, what’s the title?”

 

 

“Butterfly and this song is especially for you”

 

 

“For me? But why butterfly?”

 

 

“Butterflies are delicate to look at but in reality they are not frail, they can be reserved but once they spread their wings, you can see their true beauty and that’s what you are….”

 

 

She turned the page and she smiled reading the lyrics. She remembered the reason behind the title and she couldn’t help but laugh at Jiyong’s silliness.

 

 

“Ji?”

 

 

“Hmm?”

 

 

“Why is this song titled Hello?”

 

 

“Because it’s the story of us”

 

 

“And how is it connected with Hello?”

 

 

“It was the first word you said to me remember? And I already know that I love you the first time I laid my eyes on you, our love story started with your Hello…”

 

 

“Cheesy bastard…”She chuckled. Then she turned the page and she bit her lips remembering the story behind the song. “Only look at me” She read the title in a low voice. It’s the original lyrics of that song but Jiyong gave it to Youngbae but with a different lyrics.

 

 

 

“I love you Dara…”

 

 

“If you really do, you will stop doing whatever it is you’re doing…”

 

 

“I just want to breathe baby….I’m tired of everything…I’m sick and tired of everything”

 

 

“Including me? Are you tired of me?”

 

 

“No, not ever, I love you and I don’t want to lose you….”

 

 

“But you’re hurting me Jiyong….this is not you…”

 

 

“Please understand me baby…I’m really tired of this life that we have, it’s suffocating me, it’s killing me, I’m going insane I don’t know what to do anymore….I just want to be free…even just for a while…”

 

 

“Are you asking me to pretend that I’m deaf and blind?”

 

 

“No, all I’m asking you is to understand me and believe in me that no matter what, I love you, Kwon Jiyong, loves you so much, the real me will never leave you, can you do that?”

 

 

“And look where it lead us…”She muttered. Her hand reached out to once again pick up a photo and this time, it was a picture of him. Not able to stop the emotion building up inside her, a tear escaped from her eye, running down her face as he looked at the picture of him, his beautiful smile and she remembered how full her life had been.  “Is it my fault Jiyong? Or yours? Or them? Us? Tell me Ji, who will I blame?” She studied his picture closely, from his eyes down to his lips “ You’ve changed a lot Ji…I can no longer recognized you, are you still the same person that I fell in love with? Or is he gone forever?”

 

 

It’s been a year since his last scandal, Bigbang, after their long hiatus finally made their comeback and it’s been months since then, she was just watching him from the afar, supporting him in silence. They never had the chance to talk since they last saw each other at the beach. She could tell that he’s getting by and she’s happy that he’s doing great, and she, she doesn’t know, she’s getting by as well, trying her best to be okay although deep inside her she knew she’s miserably failing. Holding back her tears, she took a deep breath, stood up and headed to the bathroom. She caught her reflection at the mirror, and she just stared at her face.

 

 

Her mind drifted at the beach where they last saw each other, she watched him from afar, making sure that he can’t see her, tears run down her cheeks as he watched him break down after she left, he was crying like a little child, she could hear his loud cry, he looks so lost and broken, and she wanted to run back to him but she can’t, because this is what he wanted from her, he let her go.

 

 

She covered with the palm of her hand when she let out a sob, she heard him, he loves her but he doesn’t want to hurt her anymore, he wanted to save her.

 

 

And looking at herself at the moment, she finally understood why he let her go, because she’s dying. “But it hurts so much being apart from you, all I ever wanted is just to be beside you, you let me go but I never wanted to leave you, I’m holding onto you but you let go of my hand and you didn’t even realized that you may be reason why I cry but you’re still the reason why I smile, because you are my everything, tell me Jiyong, how can I let go of my everything?”  

 

 

Her gaze landed at small carving at the wooden medicine cabinet. She traced the shape with her hand and a memory of him and her flashes in her mind.

 

 

“Ji?”

 

 

“Hmm…?”

 

 

“If there is one thing you want to preserve, what is it?”

 

 

“Your smile”

 

 

“W-Why?”

 

 

“Because, your smile is my source of life, without it I don’t think I could survive this world we’re living, when you’re smiling at me, it’s like you’re saying to me that we will never part no matter what, when you smile at me I know that you love me, I can feel how much you love me, your smile is your weapon and your shield, because it can warm up the hearts of those who hates you and make them love you instead, and as long as you’re smiling, I am alive.”

 

 

“So cheesy….”

 

 

“You love me anyway…”

 

 

“What are you doing? Yah! “

 

 

“I’m carving a smiley…”

 

 

“For what?”

 

 

“This is your smile baby….it’s just a reminder that you have to keep smiling no matter what or else I’ll die”

 

 

She chuckled lightly, remembering his words. “You babo! In the end, you are still a selfish idiot…” She muttered. “But for you, I will do it, I will let you go, and I promise you I’ll bring back that smile again and one day, I will smile for you….”

 

 

 “There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. And I think my time to let go of you have finally come, we will never know what is going to happen in the future, but Jiyong, always keep in mind, that my heart will be forever yours as long as time permits me, and if in the end we didn’t end up with each other, you will always be a part of my life, that one special person I will never forget, but as they say, if it’s meant to be, it will be…."