It was our goodbye stage, and we are about to perform a really awesome orchestra version of “To You”. Even though I am used to going on stage and performing, I still get the jitters every time. I’m excited. The choreography is a little different, and the music is just beautiful. We even added a little extra at the end. I really like it, but what about our fans? I’m never sure when it comes to them, but they are always so supportive.

I look over to the other members. They are all preparing themselves, but they are still smiling. Chunji is doing small vocal warm ups. I should as well, but I never feel right doing that. Funny thing really, I’m wearing a pair of Niel’s pants. Well, he was going to wear them originally, but I ended up wearing them instead, and he got regular fitted pants. I have to say; now I understand why he likes these types of pants so much, they are really comfortable.

“Alright, everyone!” We all look up to the door and our manager is at the door signaling for us to go. It’s our turn, and we all go out smiling. We are excited and nervous because it is our goodbye stage.

The music is starting, and we are just standing on our blocks looking “cool”, I don’t really know how else to describe it. We got down one by one as the music progressed, and we started. The fans, they are still screaming for us. Even though I am the last name they yell out, since they are chanting in order of age, I feel special because of it. Their chanting, it’s toxic. I forget about everything but the performance when I hear it.

It’s the start of the second chorus, and they start to chant again. I’m getting nervous again, but I shouldn’t. I’ve done my solo many times before, but I am still getting nervous. We walk around, and I reach out to Niel. He has always been a rock for me. He sings almost half of the lines of the songs and is almost always in front. At first, I was jealous. I was the dancing boy, yet I was in the back while he was in front. I only got a line while he got half the song. After a while though, I learned to respect him.

I’ve walked in on him crying before. He was talking on the phone with his mother. He was stressed out he had messed up during our “Supa Luv” performance.  He was depressed and blamed himself and kept bringing himself down for letting us down.

I’ve walked in on him convincing the composers, producers, lyricist, and even Andy sunbae to give Ricky and I more lines. They looked at him sympathetically and asked him if it was too much for him to handle. He said that it wasn’t. Niel said that he wanted us to get more of the spot light like how he said we deserved.

I’ve walked in on him begging the choreographer to give me a solo and put Ricky in the front more. He stayed behind and snuck back to the dance studio countless times to practice some more because he felt that he wasn’t good enough yet.

I’ve walked in on him arguing with Ricky over something childish. He would get into fights with him and Ricky would always bring up the fact that he didn’t sing much and accuse Niel of taking everything on purpose.

I’ve even walked on him being alone. He would just be in his room, asleep from exhaustion, or he would be writing. He would be alone while the others where in the main room or out together, yet they either never asked him or he declined because he was so exhausted. At times, it got to the point where they just left him alone.

He’s never seen me though. I would never walk in completely; I would always just stay behind the door. I would peak in if it was cracked, but I have never intruded. It would embarrass Niel and he would just deny doing anything. I think that I figured out why C.A.P is so preoccupied with Niel. He’s worried for him, but I think that he’s starting to care less.

Now, as we walk, I give his arm a squeeze and glance at him. He looks at me as well, and then he continues with the movement. He gave me a look, a look that for some reason helped me. He calmed me down, even though his expression was so, into it.

I did my solo as the fans kept chanting. I felt powerful. I choreographed this part, and I have to thank Niel for that. Niel also did his small solo, which he also did himself. The other members really do think that he can’t dance, but he just acts silly when he isn’t serious. It’s a way that he relaxes.

Now we do the small part of extra choreo. I also walked in on Niel working on it with the choreographer. That time though, I had fully walked in by mistake. Instead of getting flustered, Niel smiled ad motioned me to join them. He encouraged me to help create the extra steps, and he followed along. He stayed out of it, and only spoke when I asked him something or if he needed help getting something down. I realized that he was trying his best. He had a lot that he was put in charge of. He’s just as much of a leader as CAP. Then I wondered why he isn’t the leader? It was after when we got back to the dorm that I realized why. None of the members really respect him. He gets bullied the most, talked about the most, and always left behind. CAP, even though we don’t pay him much mid, he keeps us in order. At the end of the day, we have to respect him. He’s older than us, while Niel is in the maknae line.

The crowd is screaming for us. We pant in exhaustion and in adrenaline. I wait for the cameras to shut off before leaning over and smiling. The other members also smile and bow to the crowd before they start to exit. Niel and I stay just a little longer and wave to the fans before exiting the stage together.

“You did really well today,” said Niel. I look over at him, and nod.

“You did very well today, too.” I didn’t really know how to respond, so I just put my arm around his shoulder. He used to do this to me, but he started doing it less. He would do this when I would feel sad, angry, stressed, when I just wasn’t happy. I never really appreciated it, but right now, he needs some support.

“We’re going out to eat,” said C.A.P. We looked at him curiously, because we really don’t go out much, and we don’t have any money on us. “Manager Hyung said that Andy will be treating us, since we’ll be making another comeback in like a week or two.”

We follow C.A.P out into the van. He took the seat in the front with Manager hyung. Chunji and L Joe took the next row, and I sat in the back with Niel and Ricky. I was about to get the window seat, but I stopped myself.

“You can get the window seat, hyung,” I motioned to Niel to go ahead. He stood there at first, a little dumbstruck.

“Oh thank you, Changjo~!” In his stupor, Ricky came out from behind and took the window seat. It kind of ticked me off, and I clenched my fist, but Niel held my shoulder. I looked over at him and he just nodded. He was about to go in, but I stopped him.

“I’ll sit in the middle,” I said, and immediately got in. He looked a little dumbstruck again, but he got in fast enough so that the members wouldn’t yell at him. We didn’t ride in silence, but I was silent.  C.A.P was asleep; Chunji, L Joe, and Ricky were talking loudly about something, and Niel would say something every now and then. Every time he would say something, it was funny, but the others just didn’t understand. They would look at him for a moment, and then continue talking. I would smile, but that’s it.

It was getting late, and there was a large traffic jam. It would take us about another half hour to an hour to get home, and longer if we went to the restaurant that Andy has been talking about. I was starting to get sleepy just sitting there. I guess Niel saw, because he twisted a little and pulled my head onto his chest. I was a little surprised at first, but I didn’t fight it. I just adjusted my head a little and closed my eyes. I know that Ricky will probably pick on us, but I didn’t care.

It’s comfortable, and relaxing. I had a nice, but weird, dream. I was in a studio, and I met Taeyang. I was so excited, and then Niel came in. I looked around, and Taeyang was gone. We weren’t in the studio anymore, but on a stage. Niel was singing a strong ballad, and I watched, that is, until Ricky came out of nowhere and pushed him off stage and started singing instead. I don’t know why, but I jumped off stage and followed him. I was falling for a while before I stopped and was just floating. I looked around, and I saw Niel swimming away. I reached out to him, and then I saw a sting ray. I grabbed it and sat on it as we followed Niel. When I reached him, he was in a cryo-chamber. He was floating, his hair just spread out about hm. His eyes were closed, like he was asleep, and he just looked so relaxed. Even though I was just on a stingray, I wasn’t in water, just darkness. Niel, he was in water, and his chamber glowed blue. He seemed frozen, and I started to hear beeping. I knew what it was, so I started to pound on the glass, desperate to get him out. It started to crack, and when the beeping started to accelerate, I kicked it. It shattered and Niel fell out. I grabbed him as he fell, and his skin came back to normal. Then five more chambers appeared behind them, and they opened. BigBang sunbaenims walked out of them and came to us. Niel coughed and started to wake up. Daesung held his arms out, and I handed Niel over to him. Both of them grew out wings, and Niel smiled. They started flying away with him in tow, leaving me behind. I ran after them. Taeyang seemed to have seen me, because he slowed down for a moment before reaching his hand out to me. When he had a grip on it, he pulled him to his chest and he kept flying with the rest of them. We reached an empty field, and they put us down. There was grass, but nothing else. The sky was black. After we looked around, I looked over and Taeyang started glowing before shooting up into the sky. He turned into the sun. Daesung glowed as well, and he just dissipated into hundreds of birds. Seungri shrunk and turned into various small animals, then one big Panda before walking off. TOP just stood there and turned to a very large tree, and from him grew more trees. G-Dragon was the only one still normal.

“What are you?” I asked. He smiled at me.

“I am the leader.” He disappeared with a poof, but the air around us became warmer and there was a soft breeze. I reached over to Niel and we both sat down. He started to speak, but I couldn’t hear him.

“Huh?” His mouth moved again, and I could hear a mumble, but I still couldn’t understand him. “Huh?” This time I could hear him.

“We’re at the restaurant.”

I shot my eyes open; then I shot up. “Huh?” I questioned. I looked around and the van was mostly empty. The door was open and the members were starting to walk towards the restaurant, but the manager was standing at the door waiting for us.

“Will you get out the way?! I want to go eat!” I looked over and Ricky having a tantrum. I felt Niel move and soon my side was cold.

“Come on, Changjo.” I looked over to Niel. His face was soft, but it was tired. I wouldn’t be surprised if he stayed awake just so that he could wake me up. I felt stiff. He reached his hand out to me, and I happily took it. He pulled me out of the van and helped me steady myself. I was a little out of it, so I stretched some.

“About time,” complained Ricky. He shoved past us and ran into the restaurant. I looked after him before I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Come on Changjo, let’s go inside.” I followed close behind Niel as we went into the restaurant. Since we were the last to enter, right behind our manager, we got the two seats at the very end. I was okay with that, I wanted some peace.

Dinner went by rather quietly. I guess, since we aren’t the only ones, the others realized that they can’t be too loud. Niel and I ended up sharing our dishes because I wanted some of his. I offered to let him have some of mine in exchange.  We were eating comfortably, that is, until L Joe and Chunji said that they were bored.

“Come on, let’s play a game,” whined Chunji. Everyone else said that they wanted to play, and the manager said that at long as we don’t make too much of a ruckus. I guess I have no choice.

We played 007, like we did in our reality show. We were actually lasting a really long time, and Niel was really good at tricking us. He’s all hyper one minute, and calm the next. We got L Joe twice, Chunji once, CAP once, Ricky twice, and me once. The only one left was Niel, and they were gunning for him, but they couldn’t catch him. Chunji was about to shoot, but instead of hitting Niel, he hit L Joe. Ricky and CAP raised their hands, but Ricky wasn’t paying attention. He ended up launching his bowl of soup in the air and it ended up landing on Niel, who was sitting next to him.

Instead of apologizing, he started laughing. “Sorry Hyung.” He kept laughing, but I didn’t find it funny. The other members also started laughing along, but none of them tried to help him. I handed him some napkins and wiped his face.

“Are you okay, hyung?” He nodded as he wiped himself.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” He got up and started to walk off. The others kept laughing, so I just got up and followed him. He left it unlocked, so I went in. He was in front of the sink with the shirt in his hands, and he was scrubbing it furiously. He was crying again. I closed the door, locked it, and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped and started wiping his eyes.

“Ah, Changjo, why aren’t you still eating?” I shrugged and took his shirt from him. He didn’t have the jacket or the vest that he wore earlier, since he took them off when he got in the car. I, on the other hand, kept everything on. He was just standing there with a wet wife beater.

“You shouldn’t keep that shirt on, you’ll get sick.” He looked down and shrugged. “It’s fine, I just need to clean the shirt. It isn’t mine; I can’t mess up that shirt.” He took his shirt back and went back to washing it.

I started to shrug off my jacket, and then I started ing my shirt.

“What are you doing Changjo?” He turned his head and looked at me.

“Take off that shirt, you’ll get sick.” He looked down then shook his head.

“It’s Okay, Changjo. Really.” I shrugged off my shirt, so now I only have on my wife beater. I got closer to him, and he turned around. He was stuck between me and the sink.

“If you don’t do it, I’ll just rip that off of you.” He looked a little surprised, but then he put up his hands and started to push me off gently.

“Fine Changjo, but you keep the jacket.” I nodded in agreement. He looked at the door.

“Don’t worry, I locked it.” He nodded before turning around and taking off his wet shirt. He was about to put on my shirt, but I stopped him. I put my hand on his shoulder, and he looked at me in surprise. “Are you really going to put that on without cleaning yourself up first?” He didn’t understand I think, so I got some paper towels, wet them, and started wiping down his chest and stomach.

“Oh,” he said. I realized that this is a very intimate action, so my face heated up, but it was fine. Niel kept the shirt out of the way, and I could tell he was embarrassed too since his skin turned red.  I pulled back and got some dry paper towels to dry him off.

“All done,” I said. He nodded and started to button up the shirt, but I stopped him again. “You’re doing it wrong.” I started to it before straightening it and buttoning it again. “You missed a button. You would have had a crooked shirt.”

He laughs. “That would have looked funny.” I laughed too as I fixed the collar. I touched his hair, and it was wet.

“I think some of the soup got in your hair.” He touched his hair, and sighed. “Let me help you.” He nodded and I got some water in my hands. I combed my fingers through his hair and kept that motion until all of his hair was wet. With it wet, I looked at him. His eyes were closed, and he had a small smile. His lips looked soft. I wonder, what… would they… taste… like?

“Changjo?” Niel opened his eyes, and he saw that I was so close to him, but he didn’t move away. He didn’t say anything; he just looked me straight in the eye. I threaded both of my hands through his hair, and pulled him close. Our breaths mingled, and I just stared at him. I wanted to make sure that he was okay with it, that he wanted me to. I don’t want to force him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to. I just stand there, waiting for anything.

“You’re too slow,” he says before grabbing my hair and pulling me forward. It wasn’t hard or rushed. It was gentle, sweet, and comfortable. His lips are soft, and I guess it helps that I have the second largest lips. It also helps that we are about the same height; he is just a little bit taller.

My grip tightens on him, and I guess that I shocked him. With his momentary gasp, I took the opportunity to go deeper. He tastes a little like chicken, probably because we were just eating it, but also like something unidentifiable. I don’t know what it is, but it matches him.

After a little, he pulled my hair, so I retreated and he took over. He took his time, but I don’t mind. He was cautious, but I just urged him on. Funny, because he’s my first kiss and this is hell of a first kiss. Still, I wish I was his.

“Hey, Niel! Changjo!” We both separated with a gasp and looked at the door. “What’s taking so long?! We’re about to leave!” We looked at each other for a second before Niel answered.

“Sorry, I was trying to wash out the stain from my shirt, and then I felt a little sick.” I nodded an okay.

“It’s okay CAP hyung, we should be out in a little.” I was panting, but I can just say that I got sick too.

“Okay, just hurry up. The others are getting impatient.” We heard his footsteps as he walked away. We turned to look at each other, but instead of feeling awkward, we just laughed.

“Come here,” I said, “Let me tie up your hair.” I turned him around and used my tie to put his hair up into a ponytail. He put some water into his hands and weaved his hands through my hair too. He then got his shirt and sprung it out. We made sure we had everything and sprayed the bathroom with their potpourri before leaving.

We finally reached outside, but made sure to drop our smiles.

“What took you guys so long?” Asked Chunji, “And why do your lips look so red?”

Niel flinched a little before answering. “I got a little sick and threw up. I think that it was that chicken. I got some in my hair too.” He is very good at faking it, but then again, he is a good actor.

“What about you?” Asked L Joe.

“I get sick with just the smell of it.” I then shivered and coughed to the side.

“Ew,” said Ricky, “I’m not sitting with you two.” He then walked over and got into the van. He’s squeezing himself in with Chunji and Ricky. They like to pick on him, but I think he likes the attention. CAP was already asleep in the front, so Niel and I sat in the back. It will be a while before we get back to the dorm, so I just leaned into Niel. No one was paying attention to us anyway.

I grabbed his hand and started playing with it. Everyone was falling asleep.

“Niel?” I whispered.

“Hm?” He replied.

“I like you.” He didn’t say anything at first; he just shifted and laid his head against my wet hair.

“I like you too.”