I heard Jiyong scream out my name, reaching out for me. But I shook my head sadly. I knew what I had to do. I had to be there for my brother, just as he did for me. I cannot leave him, I thought. Red hot flames began to beckon me to give in to their power and I willingly succumbed to their strong waves of heat.

                I cannot.

                I saw my life flash before my very own eyes as the barrier between me and the two lovers grow bigger and bigger.

                I closed my eyes and watched it.

                “Seungri.”

                “Yeah, Taeyang?” I asked turning to him. We were sitting on the cold grounds of a subway, taking refuge from the harsh rain that beat down outside.

                It was a couple of months ago, set on a cold and rainy February afternoon.

                “We’ve always stuck together, eh?” He chuckled, rubbing his hands together to keep warm. He let out a long breath, watching his breath vaporize in the cold air.

                “Mmm, what do you mean?” I asked, turning back to mindlessly watch trains pass by, people rushing to go wherever they please.

                “We’ve never been separated before. We’ve basically been through everything together for forever. Losing so many people but still finding that we were still there for one another.”

                “Well… I guess you can say that.”

                “It’s true, isn’t it?” Taeyang said with a soft expression.

                “It is.” I said quietly, nodding to myself. “No one was ever there for us, eh?”

                “They come and go.”

                I paused for a long while, my lip trembling. “Like Mom and Dad…” I breathed, feeling my chest tighten.

                Taeyang remained silent, debating whether to agree or to assure me that our parents never intended to leave us like they did.

                “They did leave us,” I said, my voice low. I felt myself tremble slightly as those words left my mouth. “And you know it.”

                “Seungri…” Taeyang said quietly, reaching for my hand. “You can’t just say that…”

                “Don’t give me that bull again.” I said darkly, feeling my voice shake violently. “Y-You know that they didn’t give a about us. They’re all the same- showing that dry sympathy to make them seem that they really do care.”

                “Seungri, no, I-”

                “That’s just the curse of an orphan, isn’t it?” I shot at him, my eyes widened in fury and my breath ragged in frustration.

                Taeyang gave me a saddened expression, his eyes lowering to the ground. He didn’t say a word, quietly agreeing with those harsh words.

                “I was so excited to finally be in a family again, Taeyang. Finally having a mother and a father to call my own again. Do you know how many nights I’ve stayed up, anticipating the joys of calling someone ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ again? 

                All of that turned into a lie. I was hurt more than I healed. All of the obstacles that I had to go through to make sure that I was living a better life… my efforts were futile. I tried so hard to fit in but it hurt me. You fit in just fine.

                But they said that we’ll always be a family nonetheless. ‘We should stay together and be there for one another.’ They said. I trusted those words and followed blindly.

                I did all of that just to figure out that I have suffered enough, Taeyang. I am finished. ”

                Taeyang drew in a big breath and sighed; he knew exactly how I felt, but bit his lip. “You know they’re trying their best.”   

                I slammed my fist against the wall. “Don’t feed me that bull like they do, Taeyang.” I growled, feeling bitter tears well up in my eyes. Passersby stopped and stared, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I shot them a look and they continued to scurry along, cursing themselves for being meddlesome. “I know you hurt just as much as I am. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re not happy with them, aren’t you?”

                All Taeyang did was gaze back at me with soft, sad eyes.

                “I know, they hated us.” I said, chuckling humorlessly. “I can feel it in their eyes, their expressions, their empty words.

                They only did this for our money.”

                Those last words seemed to tug at his heart, causing tears to line Taeyang’s eyes. “T-Take that back.” He breathed, his lips trembling.

                “Oh, you always wanted things to turn out like fairy tales do, right?” I laughed bitterly again, getting up from the cold ground of the subway. “Did you really think that they truly loved us? Stop feeding yourself lies.” Those last words made my chest tighten painfully, but I didn’t care at this point anymore.

                I turned my back on him and stormed off, feeling the warm tears roll down my face. I quickly brushed them off with my sleeve as I took harsh breaths in the cold winter air.

                I could hear Taeyang calling out my name faintly, drowned out by the blaring subway train’s horns.

                “Where… are you… going??” his voice called out, struggling to be heard.

                Halmoni’s place, where else?

                I always took refuge there; it wasn’t too far away from Seoul, probably only 25 minutes away if by car.

                I couldn’t stand to see their faces anymore.

                I walked out from the subway, feeling the cold, harsh air meet my cheeks. It stopped raining, but the cold air still remained heartless to me. Grimacing, I kept my head low and wrapped my arms around myself. Uncaring eyes passed me and I chuckled.

                They’re all the same.

                Every single one of them.

                They all have their own stupid little lives to take care of.

                I scoffed and walked on, following wherever my feet took me. They were bound to lead me to Halmoni, I thought. Might as well just start walking.

                Taeyang was far behind me, hopelessly looking for me in a sea of cars and chaos. “S-Seungri!” He shouted, searching for me on his tiptoes. “Seungri!” He ran his fingers through his short hair and sighed, looking towards the ground. “Aish, you pabo.”

                Glancing only at the ground, I bumped shoulders with numerous people and in return received either a scoff or a massive string of curses. Whatever. Tears and thoughts blinded me as I made my way through the streets of Seoul.

                I was honestly tired of all this. I wanted to go to my favorite place in the world to escape all of this . I didn’t want to be somewhere miserable, somewhere that required me to act like someone else to gain even the falsest of affections.

                Halmoni. I thought, shutting my eyes, still walking. I’m coming soon… prepare me some food, neh? I’m cold and hungry.

                “SEUNGRI, WATCH OUT!” Taeyang’s voice broke my thoughts. My eyes snapped open and found myself at the intersection of two roads. An incoming truck’s horn blared in my ears, honking madly for me to get the hell out. It wasn’t stopping.

                My eyes widened and my brain tried to find the right thing to do, trying to process all of my emotions at once. I became paralyzed, my body freezing up on the spot. I couldn’t move at all and had no choice but to watch the incoming vehicle come at me.

                The next thing that happened was not like your typical Korean drama scene, where someone would save me from being hit from the car. As much as I wanted that to happen, it didn’t.

                But two strong forces swept over me, knocking me down hard on the wet ground. First was from Taeyang and the other from the truck. I bashed my head hard as well, feeling a pain shoot through my whole body, centering most on my head. Taeyang was on top of me, motionless and lifeless. I felt myself being into darkness…

                Little by little.

                And before I lost myself completely, I saw a trail of blood coming from both our heads trailing along the road.

                They said I couldn’t wake up for days, being in such a coma that even worried doctors so much. They said continuous tears flowed from my face, day and night. It was one of the strangest cases they’ve ever seen. Halmoni and Daesung stayed at the hospital day and night, silently worrying about the both of us.

                As usual, my “parents” never showed up. They figured our injuries were light injuries that can be fixed with medicine and rest. They carelessly paid for hospital bills and continued on with their lives.

                Typical.

                When I woke up, they told me that I had taken a severe blow to my skull, almost having a fatal injury. I had miraculously survived the crash, probably from Taeyang absorbing some of the force of the truck.

                Taeyang was still in intensive care, getting multiple surgeries to fix his ribs and skull. The doctors guessed that he jumped in front of the truck, grabbed me and tried to throw both of us out of the truck’s way but was too late. Taeyang ended up being hit far worse than I did.

                When they told me that, immediate tears fell from my eyes.

                I felt… so selfish.

                I was too busy being absorbed in my own emotions that I harmed the person closest to me. I felt like I no longer deserved to be his brother anymore.

                I spent the next few days in silence, refusing to eat anything. I lay motionless in my bed, watching the sunlight pass through each hour, absorbing the faint hums and beeps of technology. Halmoni and Daesung would take shifts; Halmoni would visit me while Daesung visited Taeyang and Halmoni would visit Taeyang while Daesung visited me.

                Soon enough, I began preparations to be discharged from the hospital. I was quickly healing but Taeyang was still too weak to leave yet.

                “Seungri.” Halmoni softly said, putting her hand on my shoulder. We were packing things, getting ready to go home.

                “Yes, Halmoni?”

                “You’re planning on visiting your brother, right?”

                I paused for a bit, debating whether I should face him after I did something unforgivable.

                “You should, Seungri. He’s your brother.”

                “I-I don’t know if I can face him yet.” I said, my eyes lowering to the ground. I sighed a deep sigh, wishing that all of this never happened. I never wanted any of this to happen. Ever.

                “You’ve known him for all your life. What makes it so hard to face him?” She asked quietly, caressing my cheek.

                “I did something unforgivable, Halmoni.” I said sadly, clutching my tight chest.

                “Shh… honey…” she gently cooed, brushing a stray tear away from my cheek. “If you believe so, why don’t you ask for forgiveness?”

                I glanced into her calm, forgiving eyes. She nodded silently and whispered, “Go.”

                I obeyed and silently made my way over to his room, occasionally asking kind nurses for directions.

                “T-Taeyang?” I quietly called, knocking on his door. I slowly opened the door, wincing as a painfully loud squeak filled the room. Aish, you pabo. I cursed, clenching my fists.

                There was a weak grunt coming from the bed. He must be awake, I thought. “Hi, hyung.”

                “Hi, maknae.” Taeyang weakly said, smiling softly. “Seems like you’re getting ready to leave!” he chuckled, reaching for my hand.

                I quickly knelt by his side, gently holding his hand. “I’m sorry, Taeyang. P-Please forgive me.”

                “What are you sorry about?” he said, his face gently frowning.

                “About what I’ve done, about what I’ve said. It was- I just-” I stammered, trying to find the right words.

                “Shh, shh…” he said, grasping my hand tighter. “This was none of your fault. I never ever want you to regret this, ever.”

                I felt a lump in my throat and my chest became tight as I tried to fight back new tears. I held his hand close to my face and began crying. “None of this would’ve happened if I wasn’t so absorbed with my emotions. I n-never meant to hurt you, h-hyung. I never did. I never… did…” I sobbed like a child, my breath staggering as I tried to cough out more words.

                “Seungri.”

                “I-I’m… so sorry…”

                “Seungri.”

                More sniffles.

                He weakly brought his hand up to my face and held it, his eyes calm and content. “Things happen for a reason, Seungri.”

                “B-But I…”

                “Seungri, you have to accept this and move on. Besides…” he said, gazing up to the ceiling. “The doctors said that I’ll be going home soon. I’m getting much better now.”

                “Taeyang…” I said, my face stained with tears. “I’ll never ever let that happen to you ever again.”

                “Aigoo, maknae.”

                “I’m being serious. If I slip up and you die, I’ll die with you.”

                “Woah, what??” He weakly laughed, shaking his head. “Now that’s a big promise to keep! Not to mention almost impossible!”

                I pouted and crossed my arms, quickly wiping my face. “I’m set on it.”

                I now felt the flames my body, scorching my skin in the most painful way. I shut my eyes tight and held close to Taeyang.

                “I proved you wrong, hyung.”