I've had a very bad day, no, its the worst day ive ever had in my entire life..., I had received a very bad news that could make my heart torn apart, and even stop my little world from turning...

anyways, I had a loving oppa to whom I always Confide my problems, coz he really knows how to comfort me and turn my frown to smile.

I was sitting at the sofa, at the living room, 

this is a little apartment where I was staying, I run away from home when mom and dad separated, and he let his girlfriend stay at the house. mom didnt bring me with her when she left the country, that time I was in a romantic relationship with SHINees Onew- whom I've met when we were still a trainee, its just that I wasnt able to proceed because my parents would rather me studying than attending sessions in SM academy, so weve been in this relationship for almost 4 years now, and I was so happy when I've heard that he'll be having a debut with the other 4 trainees.

he was very busy and would only visit me in his free time which now... he rarely visits me due to his very tight and busy schedule...

sms are limited and so is calls... i really missed him and hes the only reason why i smile...

the doorbell rung, I opened it and hugged him tight as I saw him....

I remember him saying in our short phone call yesterday that we should talk about something important.

I wanna be happy but the way my heart neat now, its as if its scared...

he smiled but not that bright smile before...

 

"How are you oppa? I've missed you!"

 

"hmh... the boys and I have been very busy during our lucifer promotions, up till the Hello promotions..."

 

"aigoo! anyways! Oppa! I've cooked a chicken soup and fried chicken just for you! come on! lets eat!"

 

"no its okay, I had already eaten..."

 

hearing that, I know something is wrong...

 

"oppa! are you not feeling well? are you sick?"

 

"aniyo..., I'm fine."

 

"oppa..."

 

I looked at him with that worried look.

 

"Shu Ji -ah..."

 

"ne?"

 

"lets have a talk a now..."

 

why is it that I dont wanna hear it?

 

"...ne, what is it about oppa?"

 

"lets... lets end this relationship..."

 

I satyed quiet for about a minute, trying to process in my head if what i heard was real or not.

 

"m-mianhe... I guessed i heard it wrong oppa, could you repeat it ag-"

 

"no, you heard it right... lets end our relationship..."

 

"mworago? Oppa..."

 

"Mianhe..."

 

"No..."

 

"I know this will be very diffiicult and hard for you but everything just comes to an end..."

 

"No! No oppa! It only comes to an end if you wanted to!"

 

"and it will always end even if you do not want it to end..."

 

I stayed quiet head down, I was still in shock.

 

"I should leave now...."

 

"NO! why now?"

 

"wae?"

 

"Oppa... dont leave today, can you leave tomorow and stay here with me for a while?"

 

"but I still have my schedules..."

 

"Oppa..."

 

"Mianhe Shu Ji."

 

he stood up from the sofa and carried his bag, he had his back faced on me, he walked towards the door to leave.

I immediately got up and run after him, hugging him from behind.

 

"Shu Ji-ah... please let me leave peacefully..."

 

"ani... I wont...."

 

annoyed, he removed my arms around him. and continued to walk.

 

"Oppa...!"

 

I threw myself on the floor

 

"Dont leave me please... Oppa..."

 

I'm begging him to stay, tugging his pants. I was on my knees.

 

"Please, Shu Ji-ah, lets not make things complicated..."

 

he said without even looking at me.

 

"No! no...!"

 

Now I was hugging his leg.

 

"Shu Ji-ah... Let go of my leg..."

 

"Ani... ani... I wont...."

 

"SHU JI-AH!"

 

he raised his voice, he screamed at me, I was taken aback, he shook away my arms that are wraped on his leg, and was able to set it free. and so he left... he left me there, on the floor, looking pathetic...

The sweet, funny, and loving Onew was gone... he's so cold towards me now, he left me, without telling me any reason behind that...

 

"Oppa... Why did you leave me alone? why now? mom left me and will never come back Forever and now you?"

 

My Mom Died that day....

 

the week after I mourn all by myself, cried my heart out alone, I decided to leave that apartment and back at my Dads house, I know our relationship wont be like before.

I rung the doorbell and it was my dads girlfriend who opened the door, seeing me, she had that forced smile in her face.

"whose in the door honey?"

 

"Come on honey! you'll be glad to know who came home!"

 

the door opened widely and I saw dad. he doesnt seem to be happy...

 

"what had gone in your head that you decided to come home?!"

 

he was angry....

 

"dad..."

 

is all i could mutter...

 

the next thing was, the back of his hand against my cheek... he slapped me really hard!

everyone in the neighborhood saw that...

 

"you ran away from home and now you're going back? leave! I said leave immediately! I dont wanna see your face ever again! I dont need a child like you! I could make a child! and raise them to be better than you!"

 

the slap hurts! but the word he said hurts the most.

I didnt care at all, with my head all bowed down, I walked past between them going inside the house.

dad took hold of my left arm, but i was able to free myself.

 

"where do you thing youre going?"

 

"in my room"

 

I muttered.

 

"This is not your home anymore!"

 

he shouted as he slammed the door close

 

"This is still my house! remove my stuff! the pictures! change the decorations and the furnitures! maje my room a storage room! It wont change the fact that mom conceived me and i was raised inside this house. even if you make new kids and raise them here... it wont change the fact that this is my house too!"

 

I spoke as I lifted up my head to answer my dad

I cannot raise my voice to him, he's my dad after all.

again, he slapped me, both the corners of my lips bled.

 

"are you done already? I'll be going in my room now... btw, mom died a week ago, did you know?"

 

I walked upstairs crying...

I got inside my old room, my bed is not there, my stuff is not all there, its just an empty room but still its filled with memories.

i placed my bag in the floor, I'm on my knees I was crying again...

 

"Umma..., Umma..."

 

I cannot express myself at all, and crying is all I could do.

Anger, Sadness, loneliness no love anymore they're all drained out with my tears... negative emotions seemed to be enveloping my whole being...

I washed up and changed my clothes, I guess I grew numb that i was not able to feel the pain of the wound in the corner of both my mouth.

I stayed quietly in my room, no lights at all, they removed it too, I was using my pen light as I read my Diary, which i had since I my first crush in elementary, iwas 10 y.o back then.

but it seems like the only words I could understand was...

 

"Mom" and "Onew"

 

she's my first teacher, and He's my first love. theyre the reason of my happiness and now, the reason of my sadness...

I heard a knock in my door and its dads girlfriend calling me for dinner.

I got up, and went to the dining room, we ate in silence, I let them leave first and followed.

I was in room again, and i heard a knock.

Its her again, carrying a camping mattress, blanket and pillow.

I got up and took it from her, I plainly said thank you and she left.

Eversince the reason for my happiness was gone, my life seemed to have lost its direction...

I would leave early in the morning to spend time in the beach, walk my way to our house and arrive just in time for dinner,

the talkative Shi Ju was gone, and I'm better off as a mute person...

 

One late afternoon, as I was walking by the quiet seashore of Muchangpo Beach...

I saw Onew...

with another girl, 

Seungyeon...chingu...?

i was following them with my damped eye... 

muy heart started to beat fast, ftaer, and more faster, I felt it skipped when Our eyes met...

Seunghyon, Onew and mine...

we've already broken up right? theres no need for them to get guilty, but they frozen in their spot.

we were staring eye to eye.

and as a hypocrete as i was, I just gave them a bow, turned and walked away.

 

"Seungyaon-ah!"

 

I heard someone shouted. I heard onew shouted...

I decided to walk fast, away from them, and when they were out of sight I sat on the sand, crying, my heart was in so much pain... wae?

I saw a lightning! followed by thunder, rain slowly poured down , until it became heavy, 

 

the waves are angry. the sky is sobbing, the clouds are crying

 

"UMMA........!"

 

I shouted as I cried, I run towards the angry wave.

 

"Onew oppa... I muttered..."

 

my knee weakened and I fell on the water, they were slapping my face, like telling me to wake up, wake up from craziness....

[Seunghyeons POV]

I felt sorry for Shu Ji chingu... 

she bowed at us,

i know she was hurt... 

she turned around and walked away,

 I tried to run towrds her and explain, but onew oppa shouted at me, 

Ive frozen in my place and he walked towards me, tightened his grip on my arms..., 

I saw a lighting, heard a thunder, and it started raining, 

Onew Oppa took me inside the car and we left, 

we stayed a little longer with silence inside the car,

I wanted to speak but the engine took made my low voice unheard. 

as we were driving back home, we saw a girl running towards the strong wave, 

we were in a curve and as we go nearer, the figure seemed to be familiar,

it was Shu Ji chingu... she sat on the water, 

and it was slowly swallowing her, 

the car stopped....

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I felt someone grabbing me on my arm, I looked up, my sight was blurred with the water and the rain,

but his face, even if how blurred it was, i could still recognize his face,

Onew oppa.....

I was removing his hands from me, but he only ended up dragging me at the seashore,

it was still raining very hard

 

"SHU JI-AH!"

 

he was standing and I was on the sand.

 

"go back to where you came, dont mind me!"

 

"why are you doing this?"

 

"Its normal for me to feel this way!"

 

"no its not! then why are you killing yourself?!"

 

"killing myself is not included in my options..."

 

"then what do you think you are doing?"

 

"trying my best to ease the pain!"

 

"no! this is not the proper way!"

 

"Just dont mind me okay! anyways, you must not feel sorry for me!"

 

"...."

 

"weve already broke up! your free to date even Seungyeon... you dont need to feel guilty and responsible towards my acts."

 

"Shu ji-ah..."

 

"... youre not the only reason why I'm acting like this...! "

 

"then whats the other reason?"

 

"you dont need to know..."

 

"wae? do you want me to get worried because you wont tell me?"

 

"if thats the case then..., to tell you the truth... My Mom died... the day you left me..."

 

he stood there, taken abck with what i said.

 

"a- I'm so-"

 

"dont be! you didnt killed her..."

 

"Shu ji-ah... Mian-"

 

"I said dont be! anyways thanks, thanks for the sympathy for my moms death..."

 

"shu-"

 

"so kindly leave me alone..., seunghyeon is waiting for you quite long inside your car..."

 

i turned towards his car,

 

"dont leave her running towards another girl from your past, shes your present, this scene, she had seen will surely hurt her, dont be stupid and get back inside!"

 

"and please... Dont be bothered..."

 

he had his head bowed down.

I dont like seeing him like this! i stood upa and angrily shook his shoulder.

 

"I SAID DONT THINK ANY OF THIS AS YOUR FAULT! I HAD MORE REASONS WHY I ACTED THIS WAY! NOW PLEASE... LEAVE PEACEFULLY..."

 

he looked at me, and I smiled.

he did smiled too and I nodded my head telling him to go drive home. he left running in his car, I waited until they re out of sight, and i let my tears fall, my real emotions are drowning me again..

I'm honestly angry, but I dont want him to have that guilty feeling, if he wanted to comfort me, he should have done it before, it was too late for everything now...

i stayed there until i got the urge to go home, i got home i was dripping wet.

i know dad was only in shock when he landed the back of his hands against my face again. 

his girlfriend told him to stop it and so he did.

it kinda hurt me thinking that he cant stop himself from slapping me because im his daughter, but he stopped because his girlfriend say so.

I walked upstairs again... and into my bedroom.

my anger lessen when i saw my bed back again, and my other things.

its either him or his girlfriend, i dont care at all...

feeling cold. and to wash off the sands in my body, i took a bath.

i was happy to feel the warmth of my blanket.... and I fell in deep slumber.

its another day, and again, i'm in the beach. i was walking around slowly clearing my mind.

i had a good day and walked back home... I had run into him again... this time, we just looked at each others eyes and I continued walking.

every single day, I always see him, 

and in that everyday, I couldnt help but feel so much pain...

it was our fifth meeting in public.

our eyes met again. 

this time, he grabbed my arms, I feel eyes are staring at us...

"Sh-"

I gave him a 90 degree bow and left.

people dont even know me, our 4 years relationship was just a secret, and I dont want him to have any isues spreading in the internet.

this time, I didnt dare going out of the house

Silence+Loneliness is dangerous...

1st day of silence 

I was thinking about the past, my Family, my mom, my dad, his girlfriend, the divorce, Onew, moms death, break up, dads slap, Seungyeon and onew at the , me being a hypocrete.

2nd day of silence

I started to have What If's, what if my family was still complete, what if my mom and dad did not get a divirce, what if dad dont have a girlfriend, what if mom didnt died, what if Onew and I do\id not broke up, what if i acted real in front of them and attacked them and told him my real feelings...

3rd day of silence

I was crying.

4th day of silence 

I started to feel different kinds of emotions, and wasnt able to identify them.

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Onews POV

Seungyeon broke up with me a day after what happened to the beach. our relationship lasted for only less than a months 

we only seemed to find our relationship as a need for a companion, and I really dont know why i broke up with Shu Ji.

and it gives me guilt when i saw her at the beach looking so helpless... I cant help but remember how she begged me to stay,m how she looked pathetic begging me...

i wanted to start new with her, I visited theapartment where she stayed before and was surprised to learn she already left, I got inside the apartment, well, its a mess, her clothes are gone, she left our photos there, even the food she cooked that painful day had gone spoiled in the dinner table, the food she cooked for me...

I couldnt think of anywhere else she could go but to her father, the next day I had gone to there house, no one inside, but I could hear somebody shouting from the inside crying hysterically...

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5th day of silence

I lost control, since dad and his girlfriend left and only me alone... sadness, anger, hatred won over me, I started to throw my things, my pillow and blanket on the floor. mirror broke, and what woke me up from this craziness, is when i continuously punched the wall, and only stopped when i felt the pain in my fist, I looked at it and was surprised, taken aback with the blood on my fist.

i started to cry...

 

"OMG! OMG! NO...!"

 

I was crying very loud, continuously shouting "No" I just canyt beleive i was able to do these things? my romm was trashed and my fist is bloody!

 

"It cant be that I had gone mad... No....."

 

somebody then went in...

It cant be...

I kept quiet, i hid my bloody fist, he run towards me, he knelt and forcefully held my right hand, he saw it with blood, and he hugged me tightly...

 

"Mianhe... Mianhe Shu Ji-ah..."

 

"ani... aniyo...."

 

"Please stop this, dont tell me its okay anymore... Dont act as If you can handle yourself..."

 

"oppa...."

 

I didnt hold back the tears, I just let myself cry...

 

"Its my fault Shu Ji... I'm guilty... Mianhe..."

 

"Oppa an-"

 

"I should have not left you that day, I should have stayed with you..."

 

I can only cry

 

"but lets all put it in the past now, today, lets start anew..."

 

"but seungyeon..."

 

"we both realized and felt that its time to end the relationship... now all I wanna do is start a new life with you... and I wont let this go to an end this time..."

 

I dont want to beleive him anymore... but i guess its time for me to stop this denial and accept the truth...

he calmed me down and held me tightly in his arms until the pain in me subsided....

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Make-up duty in the OR, theres only 3 of us, its so boring and my classmate started to play painful songs and so, as the result......... >_<

 

  SHINee - Life (Female Version) by GreenManki