Title: Prank you till Love starts

By: miharu_92

With 794 stories on AFF tagged ‘Arranged Marriage' and about 33900 results on the same 2 words (both as of 23 November 2012), don’t you think it’s more than reasonable for me to say that this story is a sure miss for people scrolling down the ‘krisber’ fanfiction page when they’re looking for something unique and fresh? In other words, this topic is sickeningly cliché.

On the flip side, it is quite amazing that you have managed to garner quite a considerable following on ‘Prank you till Love starts’. To be honest, that factor is quite effective in attracting new readers who are in a desperate need to find new stuff to read because the stereotypical mindset is: more subscribers = better story.

If you were wondering why my dear friend Pikachu (you’ll see more of him sooner than you think) above is giving a blank look, that’s because that is true.

The title sounds somewhat interesting and seems to be brewing something lively and lighthearted but it does sound a bit…off.

I have to applaud your efforts because despite the odd sounding title, it does fully suits the whole romcom genre you’re projecting with your story.

Poster: 

Lively and playful mood: Check

Characters: Check

But why are there so many Amber-s in the poster? Did Kris marry triplets?

And one Amber is sitting on an invisible block…is she perhaps a magician by profession?

And my biggest problem is with the bird.

What’s the bird doing there? (Also, the ‘tape’ is making the poster look slipshod.)

Kris has a pet bird? Amber owns both a dog and bird?

Please advice.

Description:

Amber should have escaped instead of wasting 3 months and end up having her pranks backfiring on her.  

Well, there’s nothing much to say about the description except confirm my assumption on you using the whole ‘I hate him at first but end up falling for him eventually’ method.

Kris is supposedly ‘cold and fierce’ but his picture doesn’t do him justice. I strongly advice an image revision ASAP.

Watch out for your grammar and punctuation in both profiles. 

Part One: Intro Results

Title: 2.5/5

Poster: 3/5

Description/Foreword: 2.5/5

Content:

The story begins with introducing Kris as a cold looking successful business man whose image crumbles and becomes a creep when it is revealed that Amber is soon going to be his wife.

And Amber’s first attempt at shaking the creep off is by chopping off her hair to look like a guy. Very smart, Amber, very smart… And then Amber gatecrashes the Wu’s household and declares that she doesn’t want to get married to Kris. Then, it marks the beginning of a series of pranks.

I was expecting the pranks to be of a mind-blowing scale because come on, you keep promoting this whole ‘prank’ thing in the title and description, so readers have high expectations as to how Amber launches her counter-attacks. To my (complete) horror, it turns out that the antics are pathetic- almost useless, partly because Kris has somehow installed a prank-detector within him. Also, spilling orange juice on a guy? Is Amber trying to get him out of his clothes? How is that supposed to turn off a guy…*raises eyebrow.

I have nothing more to say about the contents of the chapters posted so far because it’s just going to be a few more suicidal attempts from Amber before she falls for a guy who is seemingly becoming softer and more urbane as time goes by.

Organisation:

I would say the whole flow and pace of the story is just right. A focus, and in this case- prank, is always fully concentrated on and sustained. Connections between pranks events are fluid and all closures are effective. Good job.

Language and Structure:

If I were to point out every single mistake, this review would take an eternity to complete. The mechanics for your story (capitalization, punctuation, indentations for new speakers, etc.) are passable, so kudos to you.

Your weaknesses lie in your sentence structure, grammar and tendency to repeat what’s already stated in the dialogue.

Take a look at your story paragraphing:

This happens throughout your series and it's become an eyesore to me, so please do take note of your paragraphing.

Audience engagement/effect on readers:

I was already bored at the first chapter. It got worse when Amber started her failed attempts at turning Kris off. There are ridiculous things called ‘destiny’ and ‘soulmates’ so I shall shut up about wanting to call Amber dumb by coming to China to seal her fate once and for all.

Originality:

Arranged marriage…

Do I need to say more?

Character Design/Depth:

Amber comes off as a breath of fresh air for Kris but I don’t think it can be said the same for us readers. She is childish, playful and gutsy…full stop. If I were her, I wouldn’t even bother to fly all the way to China just to play a game with Kris for 3 whole months. In a short few chapters later, her heart easily wavers when Kris shows a bit of emotion or when he's up close in her face (she then suddenly comes to realise he's all handsome and stuff...). 

Kris is a ‘wooden block’ towards his family members and Amber, he is cold and strict towards his employees, senses pranks and from time to time, can be slightly nice to his fiancée…like noticing how she likes orange juice… Yeah, yeah, you have truly worked hard at impressing her so far, Kris.

In short, the characters are rather plain and unentertaining…end of story.

Part 2: Story Results

Content: 5/10

Organisation: 8/10

Language & Structure: 17/30

Audience Engagement: 4/10

Originality: 3/10

Character Design: 7/15

To Miharu: PM me if you need clarification on any part of the above review.