Kyuhyun sat in his luxurious compartment, leaning back against his wide armchair, a smooth vintage swirling in the near-empty wine glass in his hand. He had been sitting there for hours, looking absentmindedly through his panoramic window, heedless of the shadows that had crept through his living room and eventually expanded into nighttime – a sight that was not abnormal for the software engineer since his lover had left him all alone. The familiar throng of empty wine bottles littered the floor; this time joined by a long, rectangular package, haphazardly placed on the floor, that was abandoned by the compartment’s sole occupant several hours prior. The occupant himself seemed to have abandoned reality, his gaze far away in the world of memories ridden with guilt and regret. Ever so rarely, he would start - as if surprised by the fact that he was still there, sitting in his armchair – and then take a sip of the deep red liquid, savoring its acidic taste as his mind flew away to another time and another place, drowning himself in another memory. 

This evening, the engineer’s mind was plagued by the significance of the activity he had, on a whim, completed earlier that day. He had never meant to pick up his product. In fact, it was originally meant to be a trophy of sorts – an accomplishment that was perfectly able to emulate the personality of his lover. But once his lover was gone, it became an unnecessary object that reminded him of his failures, a soulless object that could never replace the original. He was only propelled to go get his product because of a moment of extreme weakness that had befallen him earlier that morning. He had had a nice dream the night before – one that felt almost like a memory – where he and his lover, both young, adventurous university students, had somehow boarded a train to lovely resort near the beach. They had spent countless days together: exploring, swimming, eating and sleeping - just reveling in each other’s presence. It had brought about intense feelings that Kyuhyun had not experienced in years. So when he awoke that morning, finding himself alone in bed with the reality of the last several years catching up to him, Kyuhyun couldn’t bear it. It was then that he decided that he couldn’t cope with the intense loneliness any longer and decided that he wanted, no, needed the companionship – whether real or fake. 

But now, he lamented his decision. 

Kyuhyun swallowed the remaining contents of the wine glass before placing it down on the table by his side. He laid back and rested his arm across his eyes, exhaling slowly. 

Ever since he woke up that morning, the good and bad memories had been constantly flitting through his mind, never giving him a moment of peace. He was drowning, drowning in his past. His mind was flooded with mixed emotions, deepening his loneliness and intensifying his guilt and regret. And always, on the peripheries of his thoughts, was the product, tantalizingly proposing a solution to his problems. 

He should have never gotten caught up with the products. 

He fumbled for something in his pocket – the one thing that would calm him down (at least marginally), giving him some respite. He breathed a sigh of relief upon locating his electronic usb, placing it on the table before initializing the software. A translucent screen was projected in front of him, displaying photos of a lively young man happily posing alone in his self-taken photos across an array of settings: Los Angeles, Paris, Rome, Santorini – each accompanied by some ridiculously endearing text that always ended in a ‘I miss you Kyuhyunnie! Come join me soon. I love you~’. He smiled tenderly as he exited the folder; those were yesterday’s memories. 

He sifted through the folders, erratically glancing at photos as the desire came to him. It wasn’t until he arrived at one particular photograph that he stilled, his mind taken away by the moment captured in the photo. 

It was soon after Kyuhyun had finished his first official project as an engineer – programming the software for a new type of trackless attraction roller coaster at an internationally renowned amusement park somewhere overseas. Kyuhyun had spent months in front of his portable screen, grumbling about how the ‘calculations aren’t working out’ and how the ride was not ‘intense enough’. His morale had withered and withered to the point that one day he lost it, taking out his anger by yelling obscenities at his screen while throwing anything within his reach at the same target. On that day, his lover had come to his rescue, hugging him and murmuring words of support as he cried about his failure. In his end, his ever-supportive (yet extremely fainthearted) partner quelled Kyuhyun’s tears by promising to take the first trip of the ride with him when it was finally completed. The promise had enticed Kyuhyun, causing him to throw himself back into the project, fervently working until he eventually completed a design that exceeded even his own expectations. He had then spent the following months teasing out facts about how fast the ride was or how many times they’d be thrown out of their seats or how scary the ride was until his lover was reduced to covering his ears and singing loudly every time Kyuhyun came even close to mentioning it.

Kyuhyun smiled as he studied the photo. It was taken after they were seated and strapped into the ride, just minutes before it was to set off. His faithful yet frightened lover had his eyes closed, clearly in the middle of a scream, with both arms wrapped around Kyuhyun’s and his legs flailing wildly. Kyuhyun, who had taken the photo, was seated beside him, a happy grin playing upon his face as he glanced at his lover. It was his first accomplishment as a professional engineer – a success that he had cheerfully spent celebrating with his lover (much to the other’s dismay). 

However, in his memory, that celebration was one of the last true moments he and his husband had spent together. 

It was that project which had given him status in the world of professional software engineering. After that, work took over his life and success took over his mind. The true definition of happiness had been taken away, replaced by the attractions of fame, wealth and power. During his tireless years of working, Kyuhyun couldn’t even remember what his life was like before the mysteries of engineering spirited away his time and attention - there was always a new barrier to break down, a new discovery to be made. Even now, the memories that he did have were slightly distorted and blurry, while others were confused with the vivid dreams that he had had ever since his lover had disappeared. He never truly knew if the memories that crossed through his mind were real or were figments of his imagination. 

He started, realizing the direction that his clouded mind had taken him. He quickly returned to the images stored away in his usb – the only true tether that confirmed his lover’s existence. He quickly sifted through the photos once more, looking for a rare photo that he had taken after he committed himself to his work and abandoned his lover. It was the photo that was almost guaranteed to settle (at least temporarily) the storm of emotions that was building up inside of him. His eyes softened upon seeing it: his lover curled up in the same armchair that Kyuhyun was currently residing in, head lying against the armrest, gently dozing amidst the light of the rising sun – a perfect piece of tranquility. 

Kyuhyun could still recall the scene. 

It was sunrise. Kyuhyun had just arrived from a business trip – one that he was supposed to arrive from two days prior. He had walked in, content to be within the confines of his home but unapologetic about his late (and unannounced) arrival, as per the usual. He had expected to see his lover meeting him at the door, angry that he didn’t call and notify him that he was going to be late, and excessively worried about Kyuhyun’s absence – the usual overemotional annoyances (or so he thought at that time). However, it never came. Instead, he had walked into the living room to find his lover asleep, breathing deeply, dressed in one of Kyuhyun’s old oversized shirts. The smell of long-overdue dinner wafted through the air. A slight breeze from a slightly opened window ruffled his lover’s fringe, sending his hair fluttering across his face. Kyuhyun couldn’t help but let a small smile escape his stoic demeanor, finding himself helpless to stop himself from taking a photo of the breathtaking scene before him. Then, as if in a dream, he walked towards his love, and gently grazed his fingers across the other’s forehead, tucking in the stray strands behind his ear and running his fingers across the other’s cheeks before leaning down to leave a small kiss against the other’s lips. 

It was one of the last times that he truly felt in love with his life partner – only days before he was introduced to the concept of the products and effectively abandoned the other for the recognition and riches that would be gained through the completion of such a software. 

Kyuhyun shook his head, unwilling to taint the memory contained within the photo, yet failing to stop the guilt and regret from overflowing within him. He immediately turned off the usb. If this photo couldn’t stop his mind then there’s only one thing he could depend on (and a second, which was packaged away on the floor, constantly alluring him, but he wasn’t there yet). He refilled the wine glass from the carafe beside him and chugged it all down in one go – depending exclusively on the strong liquid to dim his mind even further, muting his thoughts and most of all, his guilt. 

Completing his latest project had gotten him his fame, money and power, but lost him more than it gained: His face was now recognized throughout the world of engineering, he had all the money he could ever want and the freedom to do whatever he wanted but in contrast, he was lonelier than he had ever been with his sanity now depending on a combination of photos from an old usb and an endless supply of alcohol. 

In the end, all his project had brought him was a box. A box that promised to erase the mistakes of his past and form a perfectly created, soulless imitation of the one he had loved. 

In other words, a chance to rectify his mistakes. To receive a superficial forgiveness. 

Kyuhyun knew that what was contained within the box was perfect. He had designed the software himself, after all. And so what if the product had no memories? They could create new memories and erase the one’s that plagued his mind ever so often. Together.

His eyes wandered to the box in front of him - the temptation growing even more appealing as he imagined ways in which he could redo everything. He could make it all up to his lover: they could go on vacations together and celebrate his successes together; he would always be beside him making him smile. He could be the perfect lover. The one that he should’ve been, but rarely ever was. 

Why did he ever think that the products were a bad idea? 

Rather, this was an opportunity.

He sloppily reached for the wine carafe, knocking over the wine glass in the process, watching hazily as the glass toppled, rolled and fell onto the floor, shattering. He then clumsily grabbed his intended target, bringing it to his lips and tipping the contents into his mouth, some dribbling as the drink overflowed from his mouth. He then dropped the empty carafe on the armchair and stood up, swaying, finally intent on ripping the box open and unraveling the mysteries of what lay within.