read: just another broken boy

jongup-centric, oneside!himup, ninja!banghim

pg-13, angst

 

 

 

 

there are things in life that's always going to be a far away dream. no matter how desperate you tried to reach for it; no matter how hard you worked and worked and worked; no matter what. it will always be a far away dream. somewhere in the horizon where you could only stare and never, ever, touch.

 

people complain that life is too hard; that life is full of bull and nothing can be good because whenever you find something good, something else will come up and nothing feels good again. it's like a cycle, a never ending cycle that everyone's trapped in, until their very last breath.

 

and jongup knows.

 

because jongup can never find his dreams, because jongup's life is full of . because jongup's normal. he's just normal (read: he's just one of those broken people).

 

 

 

 

sometimes jongup likes to sit at home and watch his goldfish swim in the little fish bowl. he likes to point his fingers and watch his fish follow his finger. he likes the little feeling inside his chest when he sees the fish eating the little piece of fish food stucked between his big fingers.

 

he feels like he's in control (read: for the first time in his life).

 

sometimes he likes to watch the fish swim around and not feed it for a day or two, just to see if the fish gets hungry and frantic.

 

 

 

 

there's this boy named kim himchan and he sits in front of jongup in his class.

 

jongup sometimes likes to watch him, because maybe he's a little bit in love with the boy whose lips are always curled into that half-smile, half-smirk, and whose eyes are always so dark, so bright, so beautiful and so warm and so so cold.

 

jongup knows he'll never be noticed, but sometimes he likes to dream about him and himchan anyways. sometimes he likes to dream that they'd bump into each other on the street of seoul and things would be like in the movie, where they fall in love at first sight, and everything would be so chessy and filled with drama, but the good kind of drama, the adorable, chessy kinds.

 

jongup likes to dream about that, and sometimes he gets a little bold and perhaps he'd left a few love notes on himchan's desk, but that's only because he wanted himchan to know how beautiful (read: perfect) they could be.

 

 

 

 

jongup knows he's just a little person in this big big world. jongup knows that the world isn't fair. jongup knows that the world is cruel and harsh and it's everyone for themselves.

 

so maybe he gets pushed around at school, it's fine. so maybe he comes home to an empty house, it's fine. so maybe he's always alone, it's fine. so maybe he's a little broken, it's fine.

 

he just really, really, really wished that this time, he'd get what he wanted.

 

 

 

 

he didn't.

 

kim himchan looks ing good with bang yongguk. they are both beautiful people with beautiful personality and beautiful lives.

 

and jongup's the little person standing in the corner of the world, where a thin white line separates him from everyone else.

 

 

 

 

a breakup meant that there was a relationship to start with; a breakup meant that you had a chance; a breakup meant that, you're somebody.

 

but jongup had never been in a relationship. jongup never had a chance because no one cared enough to give him a chance. jongup was never someone's somebody.

 

 

 

 

jongup came home and sees his dead fish flowing on the water, mouth open and eyes popped.

 

it's not fair. this is not fair.

 

jongup cried, and the world falls apart because no one can hold the pieces together.

 

 

(read: goodbye)