Hyung..if you still love him, then why are you torturing yourself like this?”

“…..”

“Why did you guys break up anyway? You and Junho were a perfect couple, everyone envied the two of you. You still love him and I believe he still loves you too, why don’t you go look for him?”

“Because I pushed him away.”

 Sipping his coffee, Chansung could feel the tears building up in his eyes. It has been a while since the day Junho has left..but somehow the pain that he left behind, it’s still here. Chansung looks outside..seeing the crowd of people walking and being busy with their lives, suddenly he feels lonelier than ever. Here he is, in the room full of people, yet deep inside his heart he feels like he is the only one here. He wonders..what is Junho doing now? Is he happy in the life that there is no Chansung in it? And slowly little by little Chansung find himself drifting back into the lane of memories that he thought he would long forgotten..

“Don’t you love him? Wouldn’t you be sad when he is with someone else?” – Chansung’s best friend, Jinwoon spoke up and dragged him back to reality.

“..I love him. I have always loved him. There has not been a single second since the day he left I haven’t thought about him. I still remember clearly the first time I met him.. that eye-smiles, those lips, that nose, those cheeks..everything mesmerized me.  If it wasn’t love at first sight, then I don’t know what it was. Since that very moment onward, he captured my heart. He has been there in my heart for so long that I no longer know how to put him out anymore.

But because I love him that much, I let him go. It no longer matters to me whether I would be sad or broken hearted, all I know is that I love him and I want him to be happy. Either it is with me or with someone else, I want Junho to be happy. I thought that I could be the one who could give him the happiness he deserves.. but then as time goes by I realize I can’t be the one. So it doesn’t matter if my heart is completely crushed now and my world is falling apart, as long as the smile that I love can appear on his face again, everything is worth it.”

“Hyung, do you know that you sound like a crazy person right now?” – looking at his best friend, Jinwoon is worried. He knows how much Chansung loves Junho and anyone can clearly see how much the pain is killing inside Chansung right now, but what he doesn’t understand is why you have to be apart from someone you love just to give them happiness. Shaking his head, Jinwoon is focusing on his best friend again.

Trying to force out a smile, Chansung continue to talk

“A crazy person? I am. Since the moment Junho captured my heart, he also captured my soul. Without him, I am a crazy man without a soul and a heart. But when you love someone, you will care about his or her happiness more than your own. As much as I want to think we are..maybe Junho and I, we aren’t meant to be. And maybe there is someone out there better for him than me. He deserves something better. He deserves someone better. I don’t want to see him get hurt anymore. When he is sad, I’m ten times sadder. When he cries, I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. But what hurts the most is knowing I am the reason why he is hurt and why he is crying. It hurts knowing that I can’t be the one who brings him happiness. I can’t be selfish and make him stay by my side and torture him. Someone like Junho deserves happiness, not tears and painful memories from an idiot like me..”

Without Chansung realizing it, tears start dropping down. The pain..it is there. It’s too surreal, and it’s suffocating. All the memories are back drowning him deeper and deeper to the point he cannot breath. It..hurts. Without Junho, everything..hurts. He was happiest when he was with Junho. All his best memories.. Junho was there in all of them. Those moments where he embraced Junho in his arms and whispering to the older boy’s ear the three magic words “I love you”, and then Junho would smile happily and give him a sweet kiss on his lips. Those moments where Junho would be waiting for him in their sweet home after his work, and they would have fun doing all kind of things together. Those moments at night where he got to press his lips on Junho’s soft lips and touch his white smooth skin, to hear Junho moan under his skin saying his name and how much Junho loves him. Those moments where Junho cuddled in his arms, moments where Junho was his to love, to touch and to hold. Now everything is just broken memories, Junho has left and here Chansung is, feeling the pain throbbing inside his chest and knowing it was his own fault to push Junho away. But maybe..just maybe..it was all for the best.

Giving Chansung some tissues, Jinwoon asked

“So what really happened between the two of you? You have never told anyone. Junho didn’t either. He just said goodbye to everyone and left. Why did the two people that we all thought would never be apart actually break up?”

“Oh..thank you.” – looking up at Jinwoon, Chansung continued his story..

“It was all my fault. At first, everything was perfect. But maybe because I have loved Junho for so long that when he said he loved me too, it seemed so..unreal. After all the times, I still could not understand why Junho would love someone like me. I started doubting him and questioning him. I started to get worried, and it turned into jealousy without me knowing it. And jealousy turned me into a monster…

I know he has friends and has other people besides me in his life..but I was afraid that he would fall for someone else because everyone else is better than me. I started to check up his phone, his emails, and I would get upset if he went out without telling me or went back home late.. I.. I started to drink a lot of alcohol.. and every time I woke up I would see Junho with bruises on his face and his body.  When I asked him, he just stayed silent and took care of me. I knew it was me. It was the monster inside me that hurt him, and it broke my heart. I held him crying asking for forgiveness, and every single time he would hug me tight and told me “It’s okay..It’s okay Channie” with a soft smile on his face. But I could tell..his love for me was slowly fading away. Like I knew it was there, but it was not as strong anymore. It became so fragile like Junho did..pale, fragile, and … somewhat broken. How it broke my heart every time I tried to touch him and I could see the resistance in his eyes like he was scared of me. How he would still let me hold him, and kiss him, but the warmth..it wasn’t there anymore. How at night he would drift himself away from me and slept at the other side of the bed instead, how he would look at me before making any move like a little kid afraid that the parents would get upset at him. And there are nights I could hear him crying softly in the bathroom, and that broke my heart. I promised him that I would protect him, that I would always love him and treasure him and bring him happiness..and there I was breaking him..and breaking us apart. But what killed me the most was after so many things that happened Junho would still be there with me, even though I could tell the love he had for me was dying inside. He would never complain a word or shed a single tear in front of me, and it was like a knife stabbing right through my heart…“

Looking at his phone’s wallpaper, which is Junho’s picture..Chansung wiped his tears away and continue his story. It no longer seems like he is telling the story to Jinwoon, it is like Chansung is talking to himself ..full of pains, full of regrets..knowing that time cannot turn back, and Junho also won’t ever come back to his life..

“But then the monster inside me..it was too strong, it wouldn’t leave me alone. I would always find myself wondering what Junho was actually doing instead of being at work or at school, and I would get upset if Junho wanted to go out without me. It is like an endless circle that would not stop, until one day I woke up to find Junho with not just bruises but blood on his face and his hands. Broken fragments of glasses were everywhere in our apartment, and there Junho was crying and trying to bandage the arm that was fulled of blood.

“Junho..Junho baby .. are you okay? Oh my god what did I do this time?Baby I’m sorry I’m so sorry”. I went to his side and tried to hug him, but this time..Junho pushed me away. He looked at me and said “Chansung..it’s enough. I love you, I have always loved you, but..it’s enough. Let’s stop this misery for both of us before it’s too late. I don’t want to see you do things without yourself knowing about it, and then would regret at your mistakes over and over again. You deserve better. So let’s just stop here and free both of us. I will always have you in my heart, good bye.” And then..he left. Junho..he is gone.”

…

All I ever wanted to do was to protect him from all the sadness on this world, and there I was breaking him apart. So I let him go, even if it means my world fell apart. It’s okay..because I want to take away all his pains so that he can be happy again, because someone like him deserves happiness. Because someone like him deserves to love and to be loved by someone who can treasure him. And that person isn’t me. So I will just be here watching him from afar, be there for him if he ever needs me again. Being his lover or not..it doesn’t matter anymore. As long as I know Junho is out there somewhere being happy, it’s okay with me. Because Junho’s smiles is the most beautiful thing one can ever see, so I pray with the stars and the sky that someone would be able to bring back that smile again, and Junho will be happy again.”

It broke Jinwoon’s heart too knowing how painful it was for both of his friends to be this way, but he also knows it was for the best. So he just gave Chansung the tightest hug he can, and sit there silently next to his best friend hoping one day everything will be okay.

..

A year later, Chansung received a letter and  an invitation from Junho. In the letter Junho said thank you Chansung for the times that they have spent together, and he was sorry that he left Chansung. Junho also said that he found someone in his life now, and he hoped that Chansung had found a new love for himself too. And that from the bottom of his heart, he always wishes Chansung will be happy, and Chansung will one day understand how good of a person he is. Looking at the wedding invitation with the name next to Junho that wasn’t his own, Chansung finally let out a sincere smile and whisper “I’m happy for you, Lee Junho. I love you. Always did, always have, always will..”