Have you ever felt so helpless, so vulnerable?

 

 

 

Have you ever felt like dying seeing the girl you love cry from too much pain?

 

 

 

Have you ever been in a situation where the one you love…

 

 

 

Loves someone who is not you?

 

 

 

And have you ever felt this feeling that I’m feeling right now…

 

 

 

That feeling that she’s right in front of me, but it feels like she isn’t?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s sitting on the staircase; arms hugging her knees with her head bowed down.

 

 

I can hear her loud muffled sobs. And I felt like dying. No, it’s much worse than dying.

 

 

I hate him. I really hate him. How can he hurt her like this? All she does is love him, and only him. But why is he hurting her still? I

would give up my life just to fill in his shoes; so that she could love me, so she could notice me, so she could give me her loving gazes

instead.  But unfortunately, I can’t be him. I am not him.

 

 

“Dara…” I muttered. She lifted her head. Her eyes are red from too much crying.

 

 

My eyes started to sting. It pains me seeing her cry because of him, whereas all I ever do is make her smile.

 

 

I’ll put my mask once again.  I’ll act as if there’s nothing wrong with me; like I’m not dying inside. 

 

 

I’ll be the Daesung that she know; that smiling Daesung.

 

 

The least I could do for her is to make her smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Aiyoo~ crying again? What does he did this time? I told you to just call me so I could give him a punch on the face.” I acted as if 

punching my face and pretending to be hurt by it. 

 

 

She forcefully laughed and wiped her tears. “No, this… this is nothing. I just got dirt on my eyes.”

 

 

“Well… that’s must be the biggest dirt ever.” I jokingly said and smiled.

 

 

“Yeah. He is.” She nodded her head and bitterly smiled.

 

 

I sat beside her.

 

 

She put her head on my shoulder.

 

 

“Daesung, I envy you. How can you smile like that? Like the world doesn’t bring you any problems.” She said.  I wanted to say, “If you

only knew. If you only knew how much I’m hurting. If you only knew how much I want to cry from all of my frustrations. I want to cry

because I’m only human, it’s so hard to love you Dara.” But I opted to shut my mouth.

 

 

 

“Have you ever felt this way? I’m such a fool, aren’t I? Loving someone who doesn’t even give a damn about me? He doesn’t love me

Dae! He doesn’t love me, yet I’m forcing myself on him. Am I not worth loving? Aren’t my efforts enough to make him love me back?

Why does it have to be him? Why? Why? It hurts. It hurts Dae.” She cried; her voice breaking and her tears pouring. She’s bawling

now.

 

 

I lied down on the floor, eyes closed. I’m afraid that my eyes will betray me. I just want to shut my system, my whole being. I don’t want

to hear anymore. I don’t want to see anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore.

 

 

It’s sad that even if I can close my eyes to the things I don’t want to see,  even if I can cover my ears so that I couldn’t hear, I still can’t

close my heart to the things I don’t want to feel.

 

 

Why can’t it be me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Stop.” I firmly said. She looked at me. “Daesung-ah…” She said probably scared? I don’t know – by the look that I’m giving, so I

smiled. “Stop crying or you’ll look older noona.” I felt her playful punch on my thigh.

 

 

I’m glad that I could still make her smile. Even if she can’t love me, just a simple smile from her can ease the pain of not having her.

 

 

I sat back again and ruffled her hair. She muttered something incoherent due to annoyance. 

 

 

I heard her sigh. starts quivering. She’s holding back her tears, and clamping with her hands to muffle her cries.

 

 

I cleared my throat. “Want to hear a story?” I didn’t wait for her reply and just continue on with it.

 

 

“It’s a story of a boy and a girl. Sounds cliché right?” I wiggled my eyebrows and she smiled. “A boy loves a girl, but the girl loves

another boy; even more cliché right?” she chuckled. “So there, this boy loves the girl too much. He loves her too much that he would

rather die than see her cry. He always protects her. He would always be there for her. But the girl can’t see that, she’s too busy loving

a boy who doesn’t deserve her.” I sighed.

 

 

“What happened?” she asked; her voice breaking.

 

 

“I don’t know.” Tsk. I’m only making a fool out of myself more, aren’t I?

 

 

 “I guess you can’t always have what you want even how badly you want It.” she said. “Just like him.”

 

 

“Why can’t you just break things off with him Dara?”

 

 

“I can’t.”

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

“I love him.”

 

 

“Dara, sometimes loving someone is not enough. You should never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.”

 

 

She snapped. “What do you know Dae? Tell me! Have you felt like this before? Tell me! What do you know?”

 

 

“More than you’ll ever know Dara.” I raised my voice.

 

 

Silence filled the air.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry that I snapped on you. Let’s just forget it.” I’m masking my feelings behind my smile again.

 

 

“Knock. Knock.” I’m so lame even making knock-knock jokes.  But who cares? She looked at me with her mouth agape.

 

 

I raised my brows. “What?” I said. She just shook her head and went with the flow. “Who’s there?”

 

 

“Banana.”

 

 

“Banana who?”

 

 

“Knock. Knock.” She just stared at me. I waved my hand coaxing her to continue. She shrugged. “Who’s there?”

 

 

“Banana.”

 

 

“Banana who?”

 

 

“Knock. Knock.”

 

 

She chuckled. “Again?”

 

 

“Just go on.”

 

 

“Fine. Who’s there?”

 

 

“Orange.” She smiled that smile that reaches her eyes. And I wanted to cry, because this time, she really is smiling.

 

 

“Orange who?”

 

 

“Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” again?” And she boisterously laughed. And I laughed too because her laugh is just so

contagious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I joked and joked and joked. And I feel like it’s still not enough. I joked and joked and joked until I don’t know what to joke about

anymore. If I have to memorize all the jokes on that joke book that I have, I gladly would; so that I could make her laugh more, so that I

could make her smile more.

 

 

I just want to make her forget... to make her forget about everything.

 

 

“Daesung, that was so fun.” She cheerfully said. Her smile is blinding me. She’s just too beautiful. “You know what; you could pass on

being a comedian.”

 

 

I laughed. Me? - A comedian? “Well then, should I charge you for making you laugh?” I jokingly said.

 

 

“But I don’t have money with me Mr. Comedian. Please just tell me what I should give you.”

 

 

I acted as if contemplating. “Hmmmnn. How about…”

 

 

“How about… what Mr. Clown?” 

 

 

“Please... just  be happy and smile. Please smile for me.”

 

 

Her smile slowly faltered. “Oh, what’s that? Didn’t I already tell you that all you have to do is to smile for me?” I poked her cheek.

 

 

She smiled a bit. “I changed my mind. You’re too handsome to be a comedian anyway, a smiling angel would be more appropriate for

you. You’re my smiling angel.” She smiled and it made my heart flutter.

 

 

And I thought that it’s better this way; even if she can’t hear my feelings;

 

 

even if she can’t see my love…

 

 

If I could be the one who can make her smile, then that’s more than enough for me.