L o u d   E n o u g h

I went back, hoping that he'll come back to me.

He said he will never leave me. He said he will always stay.

He told me to give only one call of his name and he'll be there.

I believe in every word that he says. He never failed to fulfill his promises.

And this time, I will hold on to his words and keep the faith.

This is not true.

I will wake up from my sleep and find out that this is only a nightmare.

I cried and cried. The pain is too sharp that it numbed my senses.

Hyukjae, why did you have to leave?

"I may not be the prince that you dreamt of. I may not be able to give you a perfect life free from worries and troubles. I may not have all the riches of the world to offer to you. But I will be the prince who will have only you as my princess. In every second of our lives, I will be there to protect you regardless of any risk or danger it may cause. In everything I will always be right by your side, being there for you and bringing you happiness to contrast the imperfection of life. The only thing that I have now that I can offer to you is my heart which is made to love only you.

Kim Hyejin, by any chance, would you accept this heart of mine and do the favor of spending this lifetime with me?"

He knelt infront of me as he was holding my hands lovingly. Those dark brown eyes made my heart melt in every word that he said. True, it was the window of a person's soul. The way his eyes shined showed me the sincerity that I've never felt before. The way he touched my hand still gave me tingles even after being in a relationship with him for 5 years.

No color or hue could ever paint the love that he's been shading my heart with.

And after all the rainbows and storms that we've been through, I am sure of my decision.

That face will be the one that I would like to see when I wake up in the morning. Those shoulders will be the ones I will lean on as I fall asleep. The man kneeling infront of me will be the person I would like to spend my life with.

No other person but Lee Hyukjae.

"Yes I will." I cried because of overflowing joy. And as soon as he stood up, I hugged him so tight------not showing any sign of letting go.

He hugged me back and whispered words that sounded the greatest melody to my ears. "I love you. I really do. Thank you for accepting me."

" I love you too."

I entered the church and walked to the altar. This is the day I've been waiting for since the day love took its space in my vocabulary. This is the moment that will be the best thing that ever happened to my life.

Because the SM Entertainment decided to announce to the public that we will get married, the supposedly private wedding ceremony turned into a grand one. Except for our family, friends and co-workers, some supportive ELFs attended the wedding. The venue was filled with people, both famous and non-celebrities.

But despite the sea of people, there was only one person that completed this day with his love and presence.

With watery eyes holding back the tears of happiness, I looked at him and smiled. I'm wearing a white gown and he's there wearing a tuxedo. Looking as handsome as ever, he waited for me at the end of the aisle and gave me the smile that never failed to make my heart skip a beat.

As soon as I reached the altar, he held my hand and pulled me closer to him.

" Lee Hyukjae, do you pledge to love Kim Hyejin and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to her? Do you pledge to give to her the same happiness she gives to you, and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be?"

"I do."

"Kim Hyejin, do you pledge to love Lee Hyukjae and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to him? Do you pledge to give to him the same happiness he gives to you, and to respect him for who he is, not who you want him to be?"

"I do."

The priest blessed us and finished the wedding ceremony. "Lee Hyukjae and Kim Hyejin, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

He cupped my cheeks and pulled me to a passionate and sweet kiss. I kissed back and pulled out as the audience applauded for us.

"So how does it feel to be Mrs. Lee Hyukjae? It's the best, right?" He smirked and carried me bridal style. I placed my hand around his neck and gave a peck on his cheek. "More than the best, yeobo."

He carried me to the exit and placed me inside the car that will drive us to the reception venue.

"Is Hyuk okay?" Those were the first words that I spoke when I woke up. The things that replayed on my mind were the sudden turn of the car, the scratching sound of the wheels, sound of the beeping cars, and the huge impact of the bump.

But before I lost my conciousness, I felt a pair of strong hands wrapped around me that protected me from anything that might hit us.

And after that, our lives depended on the game of chance.

No one answered. The only response that I got was the cold and awkward silence. "Is Hyuk okay? Where is he? I want to see him now!" Their faces cannot be painted.

Then I stared at the wall, not looking at them. But I felt the worried expressions being flashed right infront of me.

"Guys! I'm asking you!" I didn't mean to yell at them, I just needed answers.

Leeteuk oppa came closer and went to the side of my bed. "Hyejin. He...he...he is..." His head was bowed down and his hand tried to cover his eyes which showed a hint of grief.

I held his other hand. "Come on, oppa. He's what? I'm worried sick here. Please tell me." I felt him lightly pressed my hand to give comfort.

"He's dead."

I removed the blanket and got out of the bed. "Where's Hyuk?"

As I put on my slippers, I felt Leeteuk oppa's hand stopping me. Then Heechul oppa went to Leeteuk oppa and removed the hand that was stopping me. "Hyung, let her."

He turned to me and helped me to walk. Then he led me to a room where there were dead bodies laid. The assigned hospital staff led us to a corner and uncovered one body. As the face was starting to be revealed, worry and nervousness crawled to me.

I cupped his cheeks and caressed his hair to study his features.The staff put the cover over the dead body. I uncovered it again.

I looked for some signs that will prove that the dead person laying on that bed is not him.

I found none.

It was him. It was my Hyukjae.

Tears streamed down to my cheeks as I put the covers over him.

Heechul oppa came closer to me and pulled me to a hug." Things are going to be okay. Oppa is here for his little sister." His tone was sad but he gave me comfort when he gently my hair.

"Oppa. Please tell me this is just a prank. Hyukjae will come out and say 'I fooled you!' then we will all laugh. Tell me that this is not true!" I hugged him tighter as more tears came out.

"Hyejin, I'm sorry but this is true."

Sitting on my bed, I saw the wall of photos that we made. One, a picture of us doing the heart sign. Another, when we first dated. And more pictures were posted there.

My eyes are swollen now because of crying. But it seemed that my tears can't run out.

I weeped again as more memories of us came into my mind.

The monkey looking bandmate of oppa came to me and asked me to go with him.

We weren't really close so I refused. Then he showed me his aegyo and because he insisted,

I agreed to come with him. Then he brought me to a cafe and we talked about random stuffs.

He told me about his family, friends, dreams and everything about his life. And I did the same.

That was how we got closer.

He pulled out pranks and hugged me afterwards.

Whenever I feel sad and worried because of problems, he never failed to make me laugh.

Indeed, he was the sweet of the sweet and sour life of mine.

Whenever we get into fights and misunderstanding, he would be there waiting for me

and insisting to talk about it. He would selflessly admit his mistakes and

forgive me for the wrong things I've done.

That's how I loved with him.

A stranger dragged me to a dark and cold alley. He pinned me to the wall and tried to rip my shirt off.

I cried out for help. His name was the first word that came out of my mouth as scare was wrapped around me.

"Hyuuuuuuuuuuk!" I called out for him.

Then someone came and pulled the stranger off me. He punched the stranger.

After the bad guy passed out, the savior hugged me and whispered.

"It's me--Hyuk. Don't cry. You're safe now."

After he revealed who he was, I hugged him back. "Thank you."

Then he patted my back. " Just one call of my name and I'll be there.

I will always protect you no matter what it may cost me. That's how I love you. Always remember that."

That's how he saved me and promised to do so every time.

" Lee Hyukjae, do you pledge to love Kim Hyejin

and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to her?

Do you pledge to give to her the same happiness she gives to you,

and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be?"

"I do."

"Kim Hyejin, do you pledge to love Lee Hyukjae

and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to him?

Do you pledge to give to him the same happiness he gives to you,

and to respect him for who he is, not who you want him to be?"

"I do."

That was how we promised everlasting love for each other

and vowed to remain as one until our last breath.

Those were the memories I would never trade for anything in this world.

Wearing a black suit, Heechul oppa entered my room and sat beside me. "Hyejin, we have to go now."

"Go where?" I wiped my tears off and asked coldly.

"To Eunhyuk's burial "

I sarcastically laughed as I started to weep again. "Are you kidding me? We're not attending any burial! Eunhyuk will not be buried. He's alive! Can you guys please stop fooling me?"

"I'll be waiting outside." He stood up and took my black dress. He handed it to me and went out of the room.

When we arrived, we saw a crowd of people--all wanting to see him for the last time. There wer his family, relatives, friends and his fans. All of the were in grief.

The deafening silence was all around. No one talked, only cries were heard.

We made our way closer to his grave.

Leeteuk oppa was there. He is the leader who was know to be a very loving and caring hyung to his dongsaengs. He didn't cry and just remained strong. He comforted the others, who were also grieving at that point of time. He wanted them to be strong.

"Would Eunhyuk be happy if he sees us crying endlessly?" That was what he told everyone.

Infront of me was Donghae. He's crying. The last time he cried this hard was when his father died. Whenever he felt like crying, he won't stop himself. He won't bother about what people will say or think.

They lost a brother and a friend, would that be enough to make him cry?  Yes. More than enough.

He hid his tears by covering his eyes. I took a step closer to him and hugged him. He looked at me and hugged me back.

They were all looking at the grave. Unfortunately, it was Eunhyuk's grave. It showed that we lost him.

Some cried. While the others remained strong.

It would be no good if everyone will break down, right?

Some people have to keep their feelings for a while and stand there to help the others rise up again.

Unfortunately, I wasn't one of them.

I am never good at keeping my feelings.

I am not that strong.

Tears overflowed my eyelids and streamed down my face.

"Eunhyuk! I know you're hiding somewhere. I know you're watching us cry over this fake burial. I can imagine you laughing at us who fell for you joke. Okay, I lost and you fooled me. You win. Come out now and tell me you're perfectly fine."

The crowd of people lessened as time passed by. It became half until we were the only ones left.

More tears came out as I broke down to my knees. I was right infront of his grave.

Heechul oppa placed his left arm around my shoulders while the others were surrounding me.

"Eunhyuk!" I cried out louder as I traced his name and felt the carving off it on the grave.

I called out for Eunhyuk once more. Maybe I didn't call for him loud enough. Maybe it's too soft to be heard.

Hee chul oppa stood up. " Let's go."

He knelt down next to me and tucked my hair under my ears.  "Hyejin, he's gone. He will never come. I know that this will be hard, especially for you. But let's go now. Do you think he will be happy to see you like that?"

"He will come. He said he will always be here. He said that when I call for him, he will come. I just need to scream louder so he can hear me."  I closed my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs. "Eunhyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk!!"

He stood up and offered his hand to me. I reluctantly took his hand and followed him.

It's a month after the burial. Still, I haven't moved on.

No one said it was easy but no one said it would be this hard.

I was more than a broken-hearted girl.

How am I supposed to live life when I lost life itself?

I went back, hoping that he'll come back to me.

I came back to hold on to his words------ to hold on to his promise that he will never leave me.

I know that everyone have to go. People come and go. That is a reality of life.

But...

Hyukjae, why did you have to leave me...

...so soon?

You said that if I call for you, you will come to me.

"Hyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk!" I screamed as I started to cry again.

Maybe I have to call him loud enough for him to be here.

Was it too soft to hear? Was my voice not enough? Do I have to scream more?

No Eunhyuk came.

Oppa's right.

Even if I use my throat to the fullest..

Even if my voice run out..

he will never come back.

A strong but warm wind touched my skin. It was comforting. It was like feeling his touch once again.

Then it brought a paper to me.

                            To my beloved Hyejin,

You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming?

That's where I will always love you, that's where I will be waiting.

                                                                                                                          Yours truly,

                                                                                                                          Lee Hyukjae