Grey text color and italic = Flashback

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His footsteps falter, slowing down as he strolls down the familiar road of darkness and despair.

How can he imagine coming back here again? Two years…two years is what it takes for him to get back on his own two feet after this whole time holding on to the ghost of his yesterdays.

The clicking sound when he twirls the key into the hole of the door, Kai feels his whole body in numbness the moment he turns the door knob open and for the first time in two years, he finally catches a glimpse of this place he once lived in.
Still the same aura, the same cold marble tiles as he steps inside and grasps the sense of familiarity surrounding him.

Kai walks carefully, slowly, arranging his steps while his eyes gaze up to the empty wall by the TV room, the wall where there used to be pictures, a lot of pictures that can bring up memories back again.
He whips his head towards the TV, the old TV and he can still hear the cheering voices, picturing the midnights they had spent beating each other in different kinds of games.

His hands reach the sliding door of the balcony and he doesn’t wait to slide it open. A soft breeze of winter wind blows through his hair and ruffles his skin gently. He remembers this feeling, just exactly the same as it used to be.

Kai heads straight to the bedroom now, one whole huge bedroom with two beds. A smile forms on his face as he lies his back on one of it, the one that isn’t even his but the smell is still there. His eyes stare up to the ceiling and traces of water colours they splashed on each other years back are still there. Here in this room where the midnight talks used to be spoken, drifted into dawn and they would end up curling side by side, arms around each other with nothing but security and peace.

 “Hyung.”
“Hm?”
“The thunder…”
“Are you scared?”
“Can I sleep next to you?”
“No. You’re 19, Kai. What are you thinking about?” He chuckles.
“But hyung-“
“Make some space. I’ll go over to yours.”

Kai opens his eyes at the sound of raindrops softly dripping on the floor of the balcony and he realises that he has been drifted into slumber for a couple of hours now. The long flight he took from London, he’ll consider himself suffering from jet-lag and that the voices he’s hearing is just a part of exhaustion.

Kai picks his baggage off the floor, hanging his clothes into the worn out closet and he smiles at the sight of a carved sentence there, “Live, laugh, love.”
He murmurs the same words twice before closing the wardrobe door shut and heads for the bathroom.
The house is pretty much the same, probably because his Aunt really keeps her promise to clean off the place every now and then and Kai's grateful enough that she didn't change a thing. Reason being that he wants the memories and the warmth to remain just like how hyung left it.

The sound of water tapping and shower splashing onto his bare copper tan skin, Kai hangs his head down having his eyes close as he prays to the Heavens. He never prayed before, Kai never believed in God when He took their parents away, but hyung buries a strong faith in him and Kai isn’t the kind to disappoint the only person he loves.

“Kai, what are you doing? I’m still bathing, get out!”
“Hyung, you should have woken me up earlier! Gosh look at the time, I’m late!”
“But Kai, hey, what the-Ya!”
“Are you embarrassed, hyung? I thought you’re so proud of your abs.”
“Just shut up and scrub my back. Slowly, because the last time you did, it hurts.”

He wraps a towel around his lower half body and sets for the kitchen. A hot cup of coffee on a wintery night, it'll be better if he’s here. Kai stops before the kitchen counter, calculating his steps back again,
“One…two…” he moves to his right, eyes close and his hands reaching the upper cabinet, pulling the door open.

He opens his eyes again. There they are, the two pieces of mugs- Black and white. Put them together, you’ll get the shape of a heart.

Black represents Kai.
White is hyung.
Kai smirks but the pain is still there as he holds the white mug in his hands firmly,
“Taemin hyung.”

The next time Kai opens his eyes is because of the ringing bell that pierces through his ears. He jumps off the chair he’s sitting on by the kitchen table and realises that  it’s only 8.15pm. Kai doesn’t hesitate a lot when his hand reaches the handle of the door and he opens it mindlessly just to reveal a shorter guy, softer features and bright eyes staring at him,

“So, you’re really home.”

His head aches from the constant thoughts crossing his mind but he’s polite enough to provide kind smiles to Do Kyungsoo who just happens to be the usual sweetheart he has always been.
“And you never called. Did you think I wouldn’t worry?” His voice asking genuinely and perhaps that’s the only reason why it doesn’t irk Kai even if all Kyungsoo does is ask questions.

“How are you doing?” Kai looks up, eventually forming a soft smile he barely squeezes from his face,
“Great. Just same old stuff. You?”
Kai doesn’t intend to go into the details so he just ends up nodding. He pushes the cup of coffee from the middle part of the table closer to Kyungsoo, hoping that the friend will just start making effort to sip the bitter coffee he made, even if it tastes like sorrow. Because maybe, just maybe, all Kai ever wanted is to find someone to share this grief he’s still carrying on his shoulders.

 “Yejin got married, Kai.” Kyungsoo says, reminding the younger guy that he used to have a life.
“I heard.” The monotonous reply gets Kyungsoo to notice that Kai isn't going to care much after all.
“Are you moving on?”
“I’m trying.” He whips his head towards Kyungsoo, throwing a rather dry look, “...help me to.”
And it requires just a simple nod of Kyungsoo's head to get Kai finally smiling genuinely once more.
 

……………………………………………………………………………………
 

The night rolls down its curtain and Kai’s back in the bedroom again. Falling asleep won't be easy tonight because the only thing he currently has in mind right now is just glimpses of the past, singing him lullabies while he hardly drags himself into a deep slumber.
The only one thing he once wished God to not take it away from him, he still lost it somehow.
Hyung was everything. He was the saviour, the saint, the guardian angel, the mortal who Kai had learnt to worship. Not just a brother, Taemin was his world.

“Kai, do you have a crush?”
“What’s a crush? Is it something you can eat?”
“Someone you adore, silly. Do you?”
“Why are you asking, nosy-head.”
Taemin chuckles, “Aw, come on. Just tell me only, hm?”
“I will…If only you tell yours first.”
“Just some noona. I guess? I don’t know…You?”
“You.”
“Hey, that’s not fair. I answered mine, Kai. So answer-“
“YOU, hyung.”

Kai feels his heavy eyelids drooping down when he last stare at the window. The window where hyung used to sit at, writing corny lyrics and messed up tunes but they’d laugh it off away. His eyes slowly drift into subconscious when he feels warmth across his skin, as if there’s a warm invisible hug holding him.

Kai is never a secured soul, always so hopeful, so demanding of anyone who could just take his hands and tell him it’s okay. To tell him that being alone doesn’t mean the end of everything. And that person used to be Taemin, until he passed away.

“Hyung, stop coughing or I’m going to run away from your infectious body.” Kai chortles teasingly.
“Should I stay out at a hotel or something?”
“Nah, we need to save money.” They smile at one another.
Kai tries to get back to sleep when he feels something nudging him and in the darkness, he notices Taemin’s toe poking his leg,

“Hey, Kai.”
“Hm?”
“Are you asleep?”
“I’m sleepy, hyung. What is it?”
“Oh. I was just about to tell you a story.”
“You’re crazy. Can’t we postpone it tomorrow?”
“Okay.”

Kai opens his eyes, blinking through the darkness of the night while his mind wanders into a different dimension. He has been lost in his own thoughts and he’s not afraid to stray away from reality if that means he can be finally be happy again.

“Hey, Kai. Are you asleep?”
“I’m trying to. Why, hyung?”
“Nothing. Just thought I should continue last night’s story.”
“Go on...what is it?”

Kai gets up with a grunt, his eyes blink back those tears that are blurring his vision while he heaves deeply.

“There was once a young man, who’s thoroughly in love with another man.”
“Ooh, a forbidden love.”
“They’ve been in love for so many years, they grew up together, they start becoming one another. And he knows he can never live without this other half.”
Kai remains silent at the words and he swallows the lump in his throat because there's something definitely wrong with the way Taemin speaks right now.

“They’re happy. But there’s a problem…He’s not going to live long.” Taemin scoffs gently as he glances towards Kai who just stares straight up the ceiling,
“...But he’s certain his other half can remain rooted to the earth. Because he has lived long enough to have taught the younger one all kinds of things, what to believe, what to hold on to.”
Kai doesn’t comment nor does he breathe. He turns facing away from Taemin instead but he knows well. He knows better.

Kai curls himself into a foetal position, hugging his knees closer to him just to reassure himself that it’s safe.
Just to convince himself that it’s okay to be alone.
Just to remind himself...that hyung has stopped being there a long time ago.

“Hyung.”
“Um?”
“What…What happens to the young man you told me about…before?”
“He’s okay.”
“He’s living well, right? He’s not going to die anymore…right? They’re going to live forever, right??”
“Nobody lives forever, Kai.”
“He will!”
Taemin sighs painfully but he keeps that weak smile plastered over his face. His coughs are getting a lot worse and he glances at Kai with the kind of gaze Kai doesn’t want to see. He knows that look, and it’s not something good.

 

……………………………………………………………………………………

 

The sound of birds chirping wakes Kai up and the morning dew greets his early hour. Slowly, he shifts from his bed towards the bathroom, changing into casual wears before he heads to the kitchen, towards the fridge…empty.

Beep. A voicemail received. Kai presses on the button and a string of familiar voice starts speaking in line,

“Hey, Kai. It’s me, Kyungsoo hyung. Just calling to check you out. I’m making breakfast, hardcore. *chuckles* drop by, will you? Seeing you, hopefully in an hour from now. Bye!”

Kai beams weakly, his eyes just watch over the receiver and he remembers that first time they bought the phone and how Taemin had three hours of struggle to install the line into their house. It got worse with the internet line problem but all in all, Do Kyungsoo came to the rescue. Well, his wifi actually.
 

“Ya! You people are still going to steal my cable line huh?” Kyungsoo’s voice yelling from the next door got Taemin and Kai caught up into a fit of laughter.
“Oh, come on, don’t be such a cheapskate friend!” Taemin replies, “-I’ll pay you back with love.”
“At least provide him enough love for the next three months, hyung.” Kai says, chortling.
 

The knock on the door leaves a smile on Kyungsoo’s face with one hand greeting Kai and the other is holding up a spatula. Taking his apron off his body, Kyungsoo glances over at Kai who is just wandering around, probably trying to reminisce the bits of memories they once had before.

“As I think about it…we used to be quite close back then, aren’t we, hyung?” Kai’s voice echoes with softness and melodies,
“Yes, Kai.” Kyungsoo places the plates in tidy arrangement across the table, “...We’re still going to get closer, aren’t we?”
Kai curves his lips slightly upwards when he glances at Kyungsoo’s endearing face,
“...Come on, food’s ready.”

……………………………………………………………………………………

Kai wakes up in the middle of the night again, his eyes staring straight into the black of the night and he feels sweat dripping down his forehead.

“Hyung, are you awake?”
“I’m sleepy. Why?”
“You’re still coughing.”
“I know.”
“You vomited this morning.”
“Uhum.”
“Hyung-“
“I just need sleep, Kai…I’m really, really tired, okay?”
“Hyung, can I sleep next to you?”
“You’re going to get infected with my coughs, aren’t you afraid of that?” Taemin laughs softly.
“Promise me you’ll wake up tomorrow healthy.”
“Um.”
“Say it, hyung. Promise me.”
“Goodnight…Kai.”

Kai falls into a deep silent sob that night as he feels the world is suffocating him. As if the skies have collapsed upon him, drowning him into the tears that he’s been holding back for months since the day Taemin’s bright smile slowly faded away…He knew it’s coming.
He knew it because Taemin never said goodnight.
 

Kyungsoo urgently wakes up from the loud bang on the door and he isn’t quite sure if it’s just pure hallucination or he’s just being dreamy but then again, the banging frantic second round of knocking finally kicks him up from the bed.
Shifting away from the comfort of his bed with lazy steps towards the door, Kyungsoo twirls the knob open just to face a strong tackle, pushing him down straight onto the floor with a twinge seeping all over his bottom.

He can just yell angrily and randomly blurts out vulgarity over the attack but he quickly softens down just when he realises how Kai is hyperventilating frenetically in his arms, Kai’s head pressing against the side of his neck,
“Kai, why? What’s wrong? What- What happened?”
“Hyung!”

Kyungsoo tries to get back up and calm him down but he knows better that at this rate, Kai isn’t going to relax, at least not when it’s midnight because this is the peak of his insecurity. Instantly, a feeling of sympathy and pity fills him up like a water pouring into a jar.

“Nightmares…why are they…The voices…I…”

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo intuitively has his hand just gently propping Kai closer to him as he let Kai buries the part of his face he has always wanted to hide, the mask of grief that he has yet to erase.
“...It’s okay, Kai. There’s nothing wrong here. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“But hyung...“
“Yes, Kai.” Kyungsoo hugs him closer than ever, pouring his heart out for the sake of the younger man’s comfort as he feels his own eyes moisten,

“...hyung’s here.”
 

……………………………………………………………………………………..

“Kai.”

“Um?”

“Are you asleep?”

“Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Just….having thoughts. You?”

“Um, me too.”

“But hey, hyung.”

“Yup?”

“Thanks…For being here, thanks.”

“Okay.”

“You make me feel at home again.”

“I’m glad I did.”

“Hyung…” He chuckles softly, eyes on the ceiling, “...Kyungsoo hyung.”

“Shut up and just go to sleep, Kai.” Kyungsoo says good-heartedly, tucking himself deeper into the blanket.

“I love you.”

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A/N : First of all, please don't kill me. I swear I'm not trying to butcher your perfect OTPs or anything. They aren't my OTP tbqh and I'm just writing this to experiment on a new writing technique (the simple, short sentences that hits right on your heart style of writing) I got from someplace somewhere and I can proudly say that I have miserably failed this sobbss. Enough, not doing this kind of writing anymore. *Goes back into the same old hole and never returns*