Review for nasydonghae

Review for EXO TRAGEDY: THE HEIRESS REVENGE

nasydonghae, 09.30.2012

Title: 4.5/5
Your title is really catchy to me personally because the concept of revenge can take different routes. It could be a playful revenge where she wishes to get back at the person for pulling a simply prank on her or a serious one where she’s out for blood. Do you get what I’m saying? Anyways it leaves readers to interpret the title for themselves. However me being the stickler I am in grammar, feel the need to point out that you should have it as the “Heiress’ Revenge”, with the apostrophe which indicates possession. Whose revenge is it? The Heiress’.

Foreword/Description: 6/10
Your foreword and description area did not provide readers much it’s fine. I think you got the main points established like Ines being an amazing entertainer who hates Kris. Stories similar to yours do not need a boatload of information packed in the foreword because readers can assume what will happen. For example I can predict although Ines says she hates Kris she will likely fall for him one way or another. Unless you have more twists and turns to throw out but that will be the most expected outcome. I liked that you didn’t describe the characters too. However you used three different colors in the foreword which is kind of a lot in my opinion, try to stick with one color. Preferably black. You also had run on sentences and a few grammatical errors.
Example:
"You were living your life peacefully with your family and your friend until something happens and turns your life upside down, the happy and loving person that every knew turned into a complete other girl full of hate and anger until you became the SM miracle !" This line is a run on which also contains grammatical mistakes. You should have it as: ‘You were living peacefully with your family and friend until something happened which turned your life upside down. The happy and loving person that everyone once knew turned into a completely new girl who was full of only hate and anger. That is until you became the SM miracle!’ Or something along those lines.

Plot: 12/15
Your plot is basically revolving around a love-hate relationship where the two characters obviously loathe each other for personal reasons. They are forced together and at first they despise the idea but soon enough they learn to love each other, is that right? If not then I will have to wait until you finish your story to see what happens. However the story does have other variables which makes it your own style and creation.

Creativity/Originality: 4/7
I will probably say this in every review I give because it’s true: I understand on this site there are a lot of similar stories and it is hard to come up with something new and fresh. There will always be a few stories that share some things with yours. I feel like the whole CEO forces idols to marry is overused now. Don’t get me wrong they are entertaining to read but it’s always like: the idol, mainly the guy, is cold hearted and has a player status and to fix his problem the CEO thinks a marriage will fix everything. Maybe to show how much Ines wanted revenge you could have taken a different path? You could’ve not made her an idol just an heiress. She could have stalked Kris and purposely get him drunk at a club perhaps. Then she accuses him of the next morning. After she blackmails him in marrying her by saying she’d tell the media when in reality this was her revenge. She would marry him and turn his life into hell. It’s just an idea but this shows you there are different ways for Ines to approach her situation. This scene shows how far she would go in getting revenge plus it’s a new twist because usually it is the guy who forces a marriage proposal.

Flow: 8/10
I think your flow was good. I was able to follow along with the story nothing too big and random happened which made me stop and wonder. However the part where SooMan just states how he thinks they’ll be good together I was a bit iffy on. You should’ve provided more scenes with him and the duo or his explanation in why Ines would be a good candidate because out of all the people why would he choose another rookie? You should have given us more of an insight maybe by pointing out how SooMan noticed Ines was the only one who could deal with Kris or how Kris behaved differently around her. Something like that instead of him just saying they should do it to stop scandals or he’d kick Kris out.

Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation: 10/20
Okay before I start I have to say I am an ABSOLUTE grammar queen and perfectionist. Everyone makes mistakes I do too but that’s why you double check your work or have someone do it for you. I know you will wish to strangle me but I’m sorry to say that your spelling, grammar and punctuation were really off. In one of your chapters you mentioned about school in Tunisia? So I take it that English is not your first language. If so I understand however there are like 100,000 thousand users here and I am sure someone wouldn’t mind editing your work for you. You had multiple errors in each chapter whether it be in spelling, grammar or punctuation. You also included way, way too many run ons.
Example:
Chapter 5- “I slowly parked the car and then opened the door without making any noise I carried her bridal style,closed the door with my leg and then quietly made my way to the bedroom,I gentely laid her down on the bed carefully like her body is so sensitive crystal and can be broken any time,I was going to leave her when she grabbed my hand and hold it!”This is a good example of the mistakes you have made. For one this sentence is too long, there are commas where periods could be. And the exclamation mark at the end? You’ve been doing that a lot. You have to understand the correct punctuation to use depending on the sentence and the situation. I noticed you used exclamation marks even at times where it doesn’t fit. Please refrain from doing that. Also you spelled gently wrong and you have several verb tension confusions. I do not wish to pick out each mistake in this sentence therefore I will show you what it should look like: ‘When I parked the car ever so slowly I exited the vehicle without making any noise. I went over to Ines’ side and carried her bridal style as I used my leg to shut her door. I made my way quietly to the bedroom as I gently laid her on the bed like she was some sort of fragile glass that could shatter at any moment. When I was prepared to leave she grabbed my hand and held it.’ Do you see the difference? If you have questions on this please contact me, I don’t bite. I highly suggest typing your chapters on microsoft which checks these features for you.

Writing Style: 3/5
So I think the way you write is alright besides the fact that you chose to use “..” for the speaker’s POV and - for the person replying. I don’t think you should do that it’s confusing and there is no point in you saying: -Someone is in a hurry to get ready for his wedding! said Lu Han with a smirk. You could have put that in quotations and it would’ve been the same. It seems more proper to use quotations with dialogue.

Font Appearance and Text: 2/3
You used the same font throughout the chapters which is good. However I did notice you changed the heading when you introduced the different POV’s, please try to keep it the same. Also when you began to add colors to tell us whose thoughts they were was not needed. You did that when it was the character’s own perspective, it made no sense to do that. I think the readers will be able to tell who is thinking what unless it is in No One’s POV then it is acceptable.
Example:
Chapter 10- This was in Ines’ POV and you put: ‘EXO-M..That means Kris* I simply nodded.’ That color change is unnecessary along with the star. If it isn’t in quotations I would assume readers would know that is what Ines is thinking.

Overall: 7/10
Even with the grammar mistakes and font colors I liked the idea of your story. I felt so sympathetic for Soora when Kris scolded her. You have the reason why Ines hates Kris so much which is important. The fact that you also showed her relationship with the other members and people around her was a nice touch.

Character Development: 6/10
I can’t make a full statement because your story is only beginning however I can tell what kind of guy Kris is. The bad , rude jerk and you did stick with that personality well. For Ines I felt like she was a mixture. I didn’t really like the fact that she just easily agreed to marry Kris. She hates him and wants revenge yet she barely showed any protest. I mean I get that Sehun convinced her but still. She should have put up some fight to show her distaste in Kris if she hated him so much. I really liked Sehun’s character too.

My Personal Enjoyment&Appeal: 4/5
You did a good job and making me feel and relate to the characters and their situations. I also loved the part when she wins and goes into the room and everyone is just prepared for her screaming haha. This is a nice story and it’s just your first one yet so I’m sure you will only get better. Can’t wait to see what unfolds for these two.

Graphics, Extras and Author’s Notes [Bonus]: 3/5
To me the graphics were alright at least you had some for your viewers. I also liked the gifs you posted of them and your comments about each one. I thought they were amusing. However I had a slight issue when you said you wouldn’t update unless you received comments. If you really loved writing it wouldn’t matter if people commented on your stories or not. All that counts is that they are reading it. I have over 100 subbies and not every single one of them comments but I’m fine with that. Because at least I know they are there with me. But you did make it up to me when you realized that and said you would continue writing for your subbies even if there weren’t much comments made.

Reviewer's Additional Comments:
I hope sincerely that you will take my advice into consideration. I was not being mean or rude but honest. There were good points in your story but also bad ones. It’s okay it happens and this is only your first story so there is a lot of time for you to improve your skills. I do not wish to discourage or offend you in any manner. People do enjoy your story so keep on writing! This review is meant to help you nothing else. If you have questions, comments or concern you can contact me! Thank you for choosing our shop, please feel free to spread the word.