Is it weird, to like watching?

I loved to watch him play. Play basketball, that is. I liked to watch his long slender fingers bouncing the ball up and down, and the way his bangs would flutter over his face when he ran. It was interesting, how he was so close to me, yet so far away. I could never be close to him, but he was physically close to me. I was always stuck in a dream-like trance whenever I saw him. He never scared me with his sudden appearances, or strange smiles. He was just him. I liked how he was so interesting, yet so complicated. He was confusing.

But when he played his games, I couldn't stop watching. Not even a second to blink, or even take a sip of water in fear that I would miss his games. He would smile to the crowd somewhere, and I would frown knowing that it wasn't for me. He never paid attention to me, that was who I was.

I faded to the background everyday. Of course, I was friends with him. But I was just someone who was unexistent to him outside of the classroom. I didn't know him, and he didn't know me. We barely talked, only muttering a soft 'sorry' or 'thank you' when something happened. We were never paired up, as the teacher believed we didn't work as well together. I could only cry and rip my hair out when things happened to him that I couldn't stop. I was paranoid around him, I was almost crazy for him.

That changed one day, when one sunny morning at school, he came up to me and smiled. After that short weird smile, he walked into the school and didn't turn back. I thought that day, that maybe he might like me. Just maybe, but still a chance. I was proven wrong after awhile though, that he had gotten a girlfriend. He was overjoyed that he smiled at everyone, even the people that he didn't know. Now I was confused. I thought we might have had a chance, but we didn't. I was a delusional little girl who believed that dreams really could come true. I now sat and watched his games once more, with his girlfriend running up to him and hugging him whenever she got the chance. He enjoyed those hugs as well, and now I was very afraid. Was I going to lose this boy, after these years of being with him? I knew I shouldn't have these thoughts, with us not even being friends.

I wanted him to be with me, instead of his girlfriend. I had selfish thoughts, ones that I couldn't stop from thinking. I wanted him, badly. I wasn't sure if it was because I had fallen for him, or if it was merely lust. Yet, he would not get out of my head. Even after days of not seeing him, he continued to occupy my thoughts, like a disease. Anxiety began to overfill me and my questions began spilling out. I began to talk, and talk I did. Whenever I saw him approaching I would clam up and pretend I did not see him, and it was killing me.

He didn't seem to notice a thing, and I had been reprimanded for my foolish thoughts once again. I needed to tarnish these evil little thoughts, yet I kept holding on. That little hope I had three years ago when I first met him was still there and I was a fool to let them sprout. Was it that much of a sin just to like someone? Could life have been fair and allowed us to be together? I'm back at his games once more though, telling myself of how much a fool I am but I could not stay away. It was like placing a hand on a hot stove, yet I kept going back even though I knew it was going to hurt me. He jumped and threw the basketball into the hoop. It wobbled near the edge for several seconds. I held my breath, knowing that this would impact his life forever.

The ball fell back down with two seconds left in the last quarter. He had lost the game for his team and for himself. I could only wish that I was the one there comforting him, but his girlfriend ran down and all I could do was sit and stare. For a second though, he raised his head and looked at me. A tortured expression was upon his face and he made a strangled smile.

He knew and I was frightened beyond belief. He knew, and he always did, it was evident on his face. We kept eye contact for three seconds and then he turned away to be doted on by his girlfriend. I smiled softly at the sight, knowing that I had truly lost this battle. Even if he burned me on the stove, I would go back, but the fire has left the stove now. And I could only watch as my hand healed and returned to normal. He had escaped from my grasps and I felt bad for torturing him, but he knew it all along. I felt betrayed, yet a sense of happiness. If only he hadnt shown up three years ago, then neither of us would have felt this pain.

His girlfriend looked up in the end and sent an apologetic smile. I shook my head and smiled. I could feel their stares burning my back as I left the wretched place. He ran after me in the end, but all the hope that I had mustered up was gone. He held out a hand," This is goodbye, isnt it?"

I could only send back a bitter smile and shook his hand," Yes, it is. Take care of the other me."

I waited until he nodded, and then I began to melt. My hands began to quiver as the wind blew them away. And as my body melted into powder, he gave me a sad smile," I should return to you now, shouldn't I?"

There was nothing left of me, except my other side.