Kyuhyun leaned against the cold tile wall. Eyes closed, he listened to the insistent tick of the clock as he felt the rhythm take control in his mind.The scuff of shoes against linoleum was a backbeat and he could feel the floor beneath him bounce under the strain of so many footsteps. Doors began to slam, and as if woken from a trance he opened his eyes and walked across the hall to the door he really wanted to avoid. Two minutes.


The locker room was empty, or as good as. The unruly, unkempt hair and a body that seemed slight under ill-fitted overly large clothes could only belong to Jong Woon. The room may as well have been empty.


Pants first. Quickly, his long legs were uncovered, recovered. One minute thirty seconds. Shirt next. Deep breath and eyes closed, the blush unsuccessfully willed from his cheeks, he ed swiftly with graceful hands. The slight chill of processed air made him shiver when his shirt fell to the floor. One minute. He blindly reached for his gym shirt, only to find his arm stopped midway, wrist partially encircled by small fingers with a strong grip. That mess of black hair bent over his arm and a finger began to trace over the map of his childhood that fit so neatly on the inside. He felt his flesh tighten in response to the gentleness, more used to the harsh touch of hurried doctors and the impatient pull of overworked nurses. He briefly wondered if he had ever been touched with such tenderness. When those small fingers ghosted over the map of his near death, they paused, and then continued with delicate care.


Thirty seconds. The face that was hidden suddenly snapped up to confront him. Hair momentarily swept from the eyes they covered. Kyuhyun saw warmth and care. Those eyes spent what felt like days searching Kyuhyun’s soul. Twenty seconds. Apparently satisfied with what he found there, Jongwoon released his wrist and walked out to the gym where the others waited. Ten seconds. He threw his shirt over his head and walked towards the door as he pushed his arms through the long sleeves. Shoes. He ran back and grabbed his shoes, then ran out. Just as he stopped in front of the teacher a loud bell chimed. He made it, he was on-time.


*


Jong Woon watched from beneath his fringe as Kyuhyun ran into the gym carrying his shoes. His interest in the younger boy had been strictly academic, but after seeing the scars that littered the surface of Kyuhyun’s arms and chest and the spark of life and hope within his eyes, his interest became personal.


Contrary to popular belief, Jong Woon was not stupid, nor was he slow. If anyone had bothered to look, they would have been rather surprised to see that he ranked second after one Cho Kyuhyun. This is what led to his academic interest. He wasn’t sure how to proceed now that his curiosity had been piqued. The surprise in Kyuhyun’s eyes was evident when he realized that Jong Woon was more than he appeared. He had carefully chosen this school and framed his appearance accordingly. Social rank was all that mattered here, so he carefully dressed himself every morning in clothes that were too large and arranged his long hair so that it covered his eyes. His eyes had been praised often enough in the media for him to know that revealing them would be revealing his true self. Not a day passed where he didn’t see his image plastered across some girl’s notebook or lining the door of someone’s locker.


He kept a close eye on Kyuhyun through the class. He hadn’t seen any sort of recognition in those brief moments of eye contact, but he couldn’t be entirely sure. He could see, however, that Kyuhyun was paying him slightly more attention, gazing at him with confusion.


He kept watch as class ended and Kyuhyun only returned to the locker room to retrieve his hastily discarded clothes. Jong Woon changed slowly. He did, after all, have an image to maintain. He felt more than saw Kyuhyun’s eyes follow him as he left the school and climbed into the car that awaited him. As they pulled into the street, he asked the driver to circle the block. As they passed by the school once more he asked the driver to stop. Jong Woon opened his door and leaned out. Would you like a ride?


*


Kyuhyun leaned back against the seat. The sultry sound of Jong Woon’s voice still echoed in his mind and would now and forever be associated with the smell of leather, cigarettes, and some sort of heavy perfume. His senses were overwhelmed and he didn’t know where to look.


The sound of the tires against the asphalt murmured underneath him like a lullaby and lulled him into a dream-state. He heard Jong Woon shift in his seat and clear his throat. Images of sunlight bleeding through the slatted blinds of a disheveled room played against his eyelids like a prophecy.


When the car rolled to a quiet stop in the front of his apartment complex, he opened his eyes. Thank you. The words slipped through his lips in a whisper. He saw no need to wait for a response and exited the car as quickly as his ungainly form would allow.


When at last he was in his room he sought refuge from the strange experience with Jong Woon in his computer. He plugged in his ear buds, then turned the volume up and pressed the play button on his most frequented playlist. A voice, rich and dark filled him and took him back to the images that had been with him in the car. This room was familiar to him. He had shaped it and built it with his imagination. It was where he went when he listened to the voice, and he was disturbed that it came to him while he was in the car. It went against the rules he had established for himself.


*


Jong Woon was conscious of Kyuhyun in a new way the next day. Previously, he had really only paid attention to him when scores were returned. Now he was aware of Kyuhyun as a physical presence. Even when Jong Woon could not see him, because his own seat was one row ahead, he could hear the scratching of his pencil, the scrape of his chair.


When the last class of the day arrived, Jong Woon took longer than normal to change. Once again Kyuhyun stumbled in the door at the last minute and rapidly changed. Jong Woon approached him once again, surprised to see a blush appear on Kyuhyun’s face.


“Can I give you a ride today?”


Kyuhyun nodded, and then ran to the gym.


At the end of the day neither of them changed. Jong Woon was afraid that Kyuhyun would leave. The trip was silent.


After this, it became an established routine for them both. The silence slowly evolved from awkward to not quite, but almost, companionable.


After two weeks, Jong Woon decided to speak.


*


Kyuhyun opened his eyes, leaving the safety of his imagination.


“It’s my birthday today.”


After two silent weeks, Jong Woon had spoken to him again. He looked over at the other boy.


“Would you have dinner with me?”


Kyuhyun had learned a lot about Jong Woon’s moods from sitting next to him in the car. Some days he was energetic, shifting in his seat like a child. Some days he would sit perfectly still, eyes glued to the passing scenery. Today was one of those days, until he had spoken into the quiet. Now he moved nervously.


Kyuhyun tried to speak, but his voice was slow in coming. He cleared his throat. “Yes.”


He wasn’t sure why he accepted. Perhaps it was the memory of birthdays spent alone. He knew now that there was more to Jong Woon than what the other inhabitants of his school saw. He had become curious when he realized this strange creature was trying in some awkward way to befriend him and looked up his school records. He was slightly shocked to see that Jong Woon ranked a very close second to his first.


He also knew that he had allowed himself to become isolated again, living more in his imagination than in the real world. There was danger in slipping back into that habit.


*


Kyuhyun lay in his bed still dressed in his school clothes. The smell of smoke and food clung to him and when he closed his eyes he could still see the cigarette Jongwoon had held between his fingers. The way he had held it so delicately in his short fingers had reminded Kyuhyun of the first time Jong Woon had touched him. With his eyes still closed, he pushed up the sleeve of his shirt and traced the pattern of scars, trying to recreate the feeling of being touched with care. He was breaking his rules again, but he couldn’t stop himself. It had been too long since he’d been touched with concern. He tried not to admit it to himself, but he craved the touch of another person like an addict. It was a constant ache in his heart he pretended wasn’t there. Tonight Jong Woon had touched him again.


*


When the driver let them out near Kyuhyun’s apartment Jong Woon had asked him to pick a place to eat. He led them to a restaurant off a small side street. It was Kyuhyun’s favorite place. Most of the business was done in take out, but there was a small rooftop deck with a garden where he could sit for hours looking out over the city. As usual, the space was empty and the ahjumma was happy to see him, and even happier that he had brought a friend.


They sat in a peaceful silence until their food arrived. When they were alone again Jong Woon surprised him by pulling a rubber band from his wrist and tying his hair back in a ponytail. It was strange to be able to look him directly in the eyes; there had been no direct eye contact between them since their first contact. Although his eyes were dark, they sparkled with humor and life. It was such a stark contrast to the way Jong Woon usually looked.


“Do you like music?” Jong Woon asked suddenly.


Kyuhyun thoughtfully considered the question.


“I don’t know. I like singing and voices, but it’s rare that I like the actual music.”


“Do you have a voice you like in particular?”


“Yeah. There is one.”


Jong Woon looked at him questioningly.


“I don’t know his name. He’s in a band.”


“I guess you’re not a fanboy, then?”


“Definitely not. I don’t want to ruin his voice. He’s probably some pretty boy wearing makeup and clothes that are too small. I think they’re an idol band. They’re called the Wasteland Wanderers.”


“They are indeed an idol band. You have something against pretty boys in tight clothes?”


“Not in general. But when they are singers and musicians that are manufactured to appeal to the eyes, and not the ears, I don’t like it.”


“I like the way you think.”


“Thanks? I guess.”


*


Kyuhyun realized about half way through dinner that they had somehow crossed into new territory in their budding relationship. They didn’t speak of anything overly personal but learned they had many likes and dislikes in common. It was only awkward when he kept losing himself in the cadence and timbre of Jong Woon’s voice and would have to ask him to repeat what he had said.


It was late when they finally ran out of food and conversation. Kyuhyun had never talked to one person for so long. He had never laughed quite so much.


“Thank you,” he told Jong Woon as they left the restaurant.


Jong Woon smiled in response. “I should be the one thanking you. You saved me from spending my birthday alone and I’m really thankful for that. So. Are we friends now?”


“I think so.”


They stood in the street for a moment, looking into one another’s eyes. Then Jong Woon pulled the tie from his hair and brushed it forward into his face.


The sidewalks were empty as they walked back towards Kyuhyun’s apartment. They had not gone far when Kyuhyun felt Jong Woon’s hand slip into his. He was glad Jong Woon didn’t try to make conversation because he was too concentrated on the feel of their entwined hands. Jong Woon’s hands were quite a bit smaller than his own, but they had a distinctly masculine feel to them. He had seen other boys walk through the streets like this and he had often been jealous. When they reached Kyuhyun’s building, he saw that Jong Woon’s car was waiting for him.


“Happy birthday,” he said.


“See you Monday.”


*


Soon the shared car rides became less quiet and Jong Woon started picking Kyuhyun up in the mornings. Kyuhyun looked forward to their time in the car. Jong Woon would tie his hair back, and then take Kyuhyun’s hand in his own and they would talk. The morning ride often included coffee, but Jong Woon would still take his hand. In the afternoons, Kyuhyun would feel like he had been drinking when he finally made it home. The sensory overload from the car ride was almost too much to bear, but he delighted in every minute of it.


Two months after their first dinner together, Jong Woon invited Kyuhyun to his home.


*


It was an overcast Friday afternoon, and Kyuhyun was happy he didn’t have to spend it alone. Jong Woon’s apartment was not far from his own, but it was definitely more upscale. Kyuhyun had been surprised in the elevator when Jong Woon had used a keycard and stopped the elevator seemingly between the twelfth and fourteenth floors. But when the doors opened, he was pushed forward into a large foyer.


“You live on the thirteenth floor? Isn’t that considered unlucky?”


“I don’t believe in luck.”


They made their way into the apartment. It was a large open space with a stunning view of the city. Jong Woon watched as Kyuhyun made himself comfortable, as if he were in his own home.


“I need to change out of these clothes; I’ll be back in a moment. There are drinks in the kitchen if you want something.” Kyuhyun nodded.


*


Kyuhyun relaxed into the sofa. Leather again, he thought. He could still smell the cling of cigarette smoke, but the obnoxious and cloying perfume was absent. He felt himself drifting towards sleep. Black shaggy hair, warm eyes, the scent of sweat. A voice that was low, seductive, and full of life. These flowed through him like a daydream.


“Would you like to listen to some music?”


He didn’t bother to open his eyes, he just nodded. He heard the sound of buttons being pushed and let the music that began to play bleed into the images that continued to play against his eyes. The music was soulful, slightly reminiscent of American Blues. When the voice he considered to be his joined with words about pain and loneliness and all those things that should be cliché, but never were, he heard himself moan for the sheer perfection of the voice, the music, and the lyrics.


When he realized that moan was voiced a little louder than he intended, he sat up and looked towards Jong Woon. Caught up in the haze of the music, he was not at all prepared for the real Jong Woon.


His hair was neatly pulled back with just enough left down to frame his face. From head to toe he wore black like a second skin. His hands were somehow shoved into pockets that should not have had room for them and his thumbs hooked around belt loops. He smiled, or maybe it was a smirk. Kyuhyun didn’t look too closely, embarrassed at his reaction to the music.


“I’ll take that to mean you like it?”


Kyuhyun nodded.


“That voice, it’s familiar,” he said. “It sounds like the vocal from The Wasteland Wanderers?”


“It is, but I’m surprised that you recognize it.”


“Well, I recognize the voice. The music is totally different, but I would recognize that voice anywhere.”


“It’s just the lead singer, Yesung. They broke up six months ago. The band left for America, leaving behind their lead singer who fails at speaking English. It was all over the news and internet.”


Kyuhyun shrugged. “Then he was lucky they left him. I mean, if this is the result.”


“What do you mean?”


“I mean that this voice wasn’t made for inane pop songs. He’s the only reason I even downloaded those songs. This music, it’s real.”


He watched Jong Woon walk across the living room to the picture window and beckon for him to join him.


“The day they left me, I stood in this spot for hours, watching the people below. I felt like my life had been rendered meaningless. The world stopped making sense to me. All those people that passed by living in their own small world, they were all alone, just like me. So to fill my time while the company decided what to do with me, I sat here and wrote music. When I got tired of watching from such a distance, I decided to go back to school. Obviously, I couldn’t go as myself, so I decided to be Jong Woon again, instead of Yesung. He’s not so different from who I was before.”


Jong Woon looked up towards Kyuhyun.


“This is your voice?” Kyuhyun was not sure what to say. This was the voice he had woken up to every morning for the past year, and the last voice he heard every night before he went to bed. He had purposely not paid attention to whom the voice had belonged because he didn’t want to ruin the image he had conjured for himself. But the Yesung/ Jong Woon that stood in front of him surpassed his own vain imaginations. Finally, he realized honesty was his best response.


“You saw the scars,” Kyuhyun said, “but you don’t know that only one of them was self-inflicted.” Jong Woon reached over and took his arm again, and traced the large scar on his wrist.


“This one?”


“Yes, that one.”


“I have one, too.” Jong Woon held out his arm and Kyuhyun could see the faint traces of a scar in the same place as his own. “I just have a good plastic surgeon.”


Kyuhyun gave a short laugh, and then placed his hand on the one that still held his arm captive.


“When I did it, the last thing I heard…the last thing I wanted to hear…was your voice. I don’t know why, but from the first time I heard you on the radio, your voice made me feel safe. Even when the songs were meaningless, you gave them meaning, and I began to search for meaning in my own pathetic life. I didn’t find any, and that’s when I decided to let go. I was tired of struggling.


“Thankfully someone found me even though I had hidden away. It was completely coincidental, but it made me realize that perhaps I had some purpose and that’s why I am still here.”


“I’m glad someone found you. I’m glad I found you,” Jong Woon said. “It wasn’t until we met that I was able to make all the words I had scribbled make sense. I wanted to create something that would make you love the music as well as my voice.”


“You succeeded.”


The air between them took on a slightly electric feeling as they gazed at one other, faces bearing the same sort of feeling. There was a sense of completeness between them, coupled with intrigue and interest, and perhaps something more.


“I am glad you liked it,” Jong Woon finally spoke, breaking the silence but not the moment or the indescribable silent emotion that tied them both together.


The silence rece more, both unsure as to how to proceed. Jong Woon’s eyes returned to the window pane, trying to see though different eyes. Kyuhyun stood beside him, eyes trained to the passerby below them. Jong Woon thought or maybe he just hoped that his vision is altered as well.


They stared and possibly they contemplated. Kyuhyun was not sure exactly what they were doing but he did not mind. If anything, he thought it was perfect, and even more so when Jong Woon slid their hands together.


“My company’s president likes my new sound,” Jong Woon finally spoke into the silence. “When school ends I will start promotions again. They said I will be called the Lone Wanderer.” Jong Woon kept his eyes on the windowpane; the only action he took was the slight, so slight that Kyuhyun thought maybe he imagined it, tightening of their joint hands.


Kyuhyun was quiet. He didn’t know how he should react or even if he should react. Kyuhyun was lost for a second or maybe it was a minute. He couldn’t tell because he was still trying to process the feel of their hands entwined; it was different from the other times.


“Oh,” he finally managed. He heard the disappointment in his voice and hoped that Jong Woon didn’t. A feeling of defeat threatened to rush through his body; he could feel it building in his stomach. He wanted to reach for Jong Woon, but didn’t know how. These emotions were too new and raw in him. He felt his body betray him with a tremble.


Jong Woon reacted this time. It was not momentous but it was something, something even more for Kyuhyun. His eyes shifted from the windowpane, a sharp turn if anything, his fringe sways to the side with the movement. Kyuhyun turned to meet his gaze, and it’s mesmerizing. Kyuhyun could see the dark eyes travel across the planes of his face.


“Did you know?” Jong Woon spoke and it was smooth, even if Kyuhyun thought he could feel some hesitancy.


Kyuhyun lifted an eyebrow. It was an acknowledgement and it was a question. No. Kyuhyun didn’t know or maybe he did or rather he hoped he did.


“You were my first real friend since I became an idol,” Jong Woon said, voice carrying a soft connotation. Kyuhyun would like to think it’s wonder, but then it could just be his own feelings he wants reflected in Jong Woon.


His heart pounded as Jong Woon’s gaze returned to his own. He wondered just how much those sharp eyes saw. His heart and his mind were both at a loss or it was just that feeling of loss settling in his stomach, his own hand gripping on the small fingers. He didn’t want to let go and he didn’t know what to say. He wondered if he has the right to say anything at all.


“I don’t want to lose you,” Jong Woon breathed out. It wasn’t strong nor was it confident, but it was most definitely sincere. Kyuhyun saw the piercing gaze soften. For just a moment, Kyuhyun allowed himself to believe that the look was one of tenderness, but dismissed the thought. What did he know about tenderness?


Suddenly, he couldn’t stay still anymore. His heart was pounding in his chest. He needed to do something. He knew he couldn’t lose him either, positive he wouldn’t survive the disappointment. The hand and by extension the man he was holding on to could never be released.


He finally dropped his guard, allowing the emotions he was drowning in to take over his expression. Jong Woon’s eyes widened, yet they never wavered, meeting Kyuhyun’s own gaze with fortitude, and what was, Kyuhyun decided, most definitely tenderness. Kyuhyun watched the sharp strong eyes to see if there was more hidden in them. When he saw that there was something even more behind that stare than simple tenderness, he felt his cheeks begin to burn.


“You can come with me. If you would like, that is,” Jong Woon finally suggested. His eyes offered Kyuhyun something special, his voice soft. Was that hopefulness that Kyuhyun heard? He examined the man just beneath his eye line, his eyes finally drawing away from Kyuhyun’s face, the pieces of shaggy raven hair made to fall over the beautiful almond orbs. Kyuhyun, though, focused on the tightness of their hands, the small warm fingers still ensnared in his.


“I would like that. I mean I would really like that,” Kyuhyun spoke at last. He didn’t think, not really. He just knew he didn’t want to let go. That he didn’t want to lose Jong Woon either. He wanted to hold on to him, no matter what that meant.


Jong Woon looked up, the strands of hair around his face brushing back to expose his now bright eyes. He smiled and it was beautiful and breathtaking and Kyuhyun’s heart thumped in his chest. He decides he liked when Jong Woon smiled at him. He smiled back. The actions itself felt slightly foreign to him. He had smiled before but never like that.


Jong Woon’s eyes sparkled and his smile brightened. Kyuhyun would have thought that would have been impossible to happen but it did. Kyuhyun realized that it was a response to his own smile and immediately decided that he likes smiling as well, especially if it meant seeing such a reaction from Jong Woon.


Jong Woon tugged on their hands. It was short and sharp, but Kyuhyun got the idea, twisting his body in the direction of the abandoned sofa, Jong Woon leading the way. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, hands leading him, holding on to something precious.


Jong Woon was the first to sit on the leather sofa. Kyuhyun followed suit. Their hands were still joined, but Kyuhyun took no notice; it was just part of him now, part of them. He shifted until he was comfortable, back pressed against the yielding fabric. He thought he fit there beside Jong Woon.


“I can hire you. You can be my personal assistant,” Jong Woon informed, his face still bearing the traces of his smile and Kyuhyun felt some sort of happiness in his depths due to this fact. Kyuhyun tilted his head in Jong Woon’s direction. He was curious but definitely accepting of the proposition. He was not sure what it meant or rather what it entailed but Kyuhyun was positive he would like it. He’d get to be with Jong Woon, right?


“You’d have to live with me and travel with me,” Jong Woon informed him with a spark of energy leading Kyuhyun to suppose he was excited at the idea. Kyuhyun was as well, just not as expressive, at least not on the surface anyway. Internally his heart was jumping for joy and there were little fluttery things in the pits of his stomach. Living with Jong Woon and always being beside Jong Woon. It sounded nice.


“You will have to get me coffee as well,” Jong Woon further informed him with a slight chuckle. Kyuhyun lifted his eyebrow in response. He was not sure about the getting coffee bit, but when Jong Woon’s husky chuckles reached his ears, he didn’t think getting coffee would be so bad.


“Okay,” Kyuhyun said. It was brief. He didn’t trust his voice to produce much else. He was much too busy processing everything to speak just then. It was such a strange feeling, this being so excited about what life had to offer.


“I know it probably won’t be easy but at least we will be together,” Jong Woon said, no longer as excited as before but his words sincere. His eyes sought Kyuhyun’s. They were strong and determined and searching for something from Kyuhyun.


“Nothing worth having is ever easy,” Kyuhyun stated, his own eyes glued to Jong Woon’s; naturally his fingers tightened on their still clasped hands. He wanted Jong Woon to know he could find what he was looking for with Kyuhyun, just as Kyuhyun as found what he needed from Jong Woon. He wasn’t looking really but it was there now and he refused to let it go.


Jong Woon smiled again and the thumping in his chest returned. Kyuhyun didn’t think he would ever get tired of seeing Jong Woon smiling like that at him.


He was surprised when Jong Woon embraced him. His body was warm and his hand on his back felt right. Kyuhyun was still initially. He wasn’t accustomed to being embraced and he was positive he had never felt his heart pound so fiercely or so many flutters in his stomach before. He realized that he liked it though. It was warm and special and he felt happy. That was what he was experiencing? He thinks it is.


He reached his hand out and returned the embrace. Jong Woon shifted then and he was closer now. It was strange. It was nice though. His hand tightened on the soft fabric and the firm muscles of Jong Woon’s back. He settled, just as a weight was pressed to his shoulder. He was comfortable.


Jong Woon retracted but Kyuhyun wasn’t afraid. Jong Woon was still beside him, still holding his hands, still in his life. Kyuhyun smiled again. This time it felt very natural, and somehow he just knew it was something that he would be doing a lot more now. Jong Woon smiled as well, and he knew he would never tire of that.


Kyuhyun settled himself against the leather sofa; Jong Woon did the same. They were silent. It was comfortable and amiable, lost in their own thoughts, smiles adorning their faces, fingers brushing and tightening.


It was a new day for them both, beside each other.