Sept. 16

I’m supposed to be sleeping right now, but here I am thinking about a guy who would never be mine. Most girls my age probably went through that stage already. You know, liking someone from afar.

 (/-_-)/ 3

I didn’t expect to like this bas…mongrel! I didn’t okay. I was happy being innocent until I felt the butterflies, those silly butterflies. I always stole glances at him whenever he wasn’t looking. I know it makes me sound like a creep but that’s the only thing I could do. He was popular and that was my mistake. It was a mistake falling for someone who’s popular. I’m not popular. He won’t notice me. I cant go near him. Summary? That’s how reality works. I.CANT.GO.NEAR.HIM.

Well, actually I can but I prefer not to. He’s my partner in my Multimedia subject after all and that’s partly a reason of why I fell for him too. If you just observed him and never actually talked to him… you wouldn’t know that he was awkward and has very little humor in him. Him failing to tell a joke was actually more funny than the joke. (=*.*=) <- ( Im sorry but I’m blushing.)

I continued to act normal as any normal classmate would around him whenever he talks to me. It seems like he has a habit of being nice to girls. I don’t want to take it in a bad way but I’ve noticed how he jumps from girl to girl just so he could talk to all of them. Now there, I’m not insulting him. I believe he’s just nice and well... a little flirty I admit.  But that’s normal for guys I guess. ~(-_-)~

I’d be lying if I say I’m not hurt whenever I hear how he’s dating xxxx from xxx and so on. Rumors go around as fast as newspapers print reports. But they were just rumors, as long as I don’t see it with my own eyes, they were just rumors. I love him. I love him so much. He’s talented and I’m afraid people miss that part of him. He wasn’t all looks. I swear. I just

“Oh” I sleepily muttered as I saw my diary on my bed. I guess I dozed off before I could even finish this silly ‘Honoring Jinyoung’s gloriousness and idiocy that made me love him’ entry. I frowned. I’d burn anybody who reads this. This diary must be safe from anybody else’s eyes besides mine.

I went to school and went to my class. Surprisingly enough, one of our professors took a leave so we had an hour of free period. Well this is nice. I stayed in my sit while practically almost everyone was running around, talking or doing something else that doesn’t involve studying. I decided to bring out my notebook and doodle because I was bored.

Just then, Jinyoung walked in front of me and got the guitar that was lying on the seat beside mine. He looked so happy that his eyes disappeared and he grinned. He then pulled the seat in front me, sat there and got the guitar and started strumming. At first, I wasn’t sure if I should tell him to go away or to just ignore him. Out of all the places he could play…why does he have to do it in front of me?

I decided to pretend I didn’t care but then he started to silently sing. I dropped my pen and stared at my notebook wide-eyed while looking down. “Wow” I muttered. I looked up and saw him looking down at the guitar while smiling. He seemed to notice me looking so he looked up to me, stared in my eyes then smiled while continued singing.

This my friends, is by far the most hurtful torture I could ever imagine. I am just sitting in front of my unrequited love, unable to move or show some expression that I appreciate his existence. And he’s there, singing happily not knowing he’s gonna kill me. Im sorry but I wanna kiss him right now…. But of course I can’t.

As I was lost in my thoughts, I never realized that a small group of people started to circle around us and one even sat on my desk. The hell. They were all listening to him. Jinyoung didn’t mind the attention and he just continued singing… like everybody didn’t exist.

When he was done, he smiled… that drop dead, dead I am dead by now, kind of smile.

“So was it good?” I don’t know if it was my imagination but I thought he was looking at me when he said that.

“YES! Yes it was oppa!” the girl who sat on my desk exclaimed while she stood up and went to Jinyoung’s side. Jinyoung smiled and bowed to her. Everyone else continued pouring their own compliments to him and some were even clapping. I sighed. Well, this was supposed to be normal. I know it’s selfish but a part of me wished that I was the only one there to hear him sing. 

“Great.” I mumbled as I slowly stood up and leave my seat. Class was almost over and I don’t feel like staying there like I’m some invincible lunatic who can’t even say a ‘You’re great!’ like everyone did. Nevertheless, I’m hungry.  

Sept. 27

He was in a bad mood today and Im not sure why. I don’t know if I should laugh or not when he became talkative when we had our Multimedia class… aka the only class I’m partnered with him. I think I haven’t mentioned it before but don’t you think it’s amazing were both a Jung? I don’t have to change my name if we get married….

…

O_O okay… I really sound like a creep. But  OTL IM sorry. T^T Self,  Im sorry for this embarrassing post. He was mad at his girl I think? I was just really nodding and saying tiny bits of advice while he did most of the talking. For a second I even thought he’d punch me because I was stopping myself from laughing. He ended up pinching my cheeks and flicking my forehead (/_\) I don’t know if anyone saw but I was about to burst into ashes that time.

One of our professors had a knack for matchmaking and because Jinyoung was popular, it was no surprise that he’d get to be introduced to numerous girls. I really didn’t care. I don’t have the right to get jealous anyway. I’m pretty much like all the other girls wishing to be his girlfriend.

I didn’t care… until it was THAT certain girl that was as popular as him. Well, I don’t wanna kill her but… I guess I envy the attention she gets from him? I don’t know. They seem close. Most definitely closer than what friends should be. She was tall, nice and beautiful…. a girl version of him. That .

“Yah! Jinyoung! Someone’s looking for you.” One of our classmates called out. I slowly turned around to steal a glance. I didn’t want to stare at them forever. My heart ached when I saw him hurriedly going to the door. It turns out the girl was her.

“Mr. Jung. Is that your girlfriend?” our professor teased. Everyone whistled and some clapped. I was stoned while wondering if they were really dating. I was expecting him to disagree and shut up everyone but instead he did something unexpected.

He looked at the girl, rubbed his nape and smiled. Everybody was cheering now, even our professor was grinning. I can’t help but feel something stingy in my eyes. I’m afraid if I look at them any longer I’d really cry in front of everybody. As if the gods heard me, my tears started streaming down and I can’t really control it anymore. I faced front and laid my head on my desk as I silently sob. My seatmate noticed it and got alarmed, catching my professor’s attention.

“Oh my god! Jaemi are you crying! Are you okay?! What’s wrong?!” She gasped. I can’t lie that at that moment I wanted to shut her up and throw her out the window but I was feeling too tired for some unknown reason that I can’t even answer her.

Our professor went to our place and leaned down in front of me. He gently made me sit up with my ugly tear streaked face that everyone was now seeing. Even Jinyoung was staring at me and it only made me want to sob more.

“Are you okay?” our professor asked.

I just shook my head and clenched my shirt. I don’t know but everything about me now hurts. The girl beside me then whispered to my professor about how I might have some menstrual thing going on and that I probably need to rest or take meds. Our professor then nodded and instructed her to go and accompany me to the clinic. Everyone was looking at me… well, he was looking at me with a confused sympathetic look. I immediately looked away when our eyes met and he got surprised with my cold attitude.

After that event, I never talked to him again besides the class we were partnered in. I don’t keep it personal anymore… I talk to him just to get things done. I know it’s wrong and I know this is probably shameless of me but I feel lonelier than ever.

I never told anyone that the reason I had dark circles around my eyes for a week now was because I was staying up late and crying. It’s pathetic.  I tried to make everyone believe I was just having mood swings now that I’m acting cold to guys that try and talk to me. Of course I make some few exceptions but Jinyoung’s definitely not one of them. I need to stay away from him as far as possible.

I want to forget him. I want to move on.

He doesn’t even know what I feel.

Nov 10

It’s been so long since I wrote to you huh? Well, things have changed. I’m busy with school. Or… more like Im trying to be busy with school. I got in the top 10 last sem and I’m aiming to get a higher rank this time. J

Selfish huh? Still steering clear of the L word. I’m happy to have made some friends and they’re really nice. Well, him and I… (is there even a him and I?) We never really talked when last semester ended. I never talked to him. Maybe I gave off the vibe that I hated him so he himself doesn’t go near me as much as he could. I would catch him looking at me but whenever I do, he won’t look away like any normal person would. Instead, that staring contest always made me feel awkward the most that I was the one who always looks away.

I started to grow out my hair too and surprisingly some guys are asking me out but I turned them all down. I need to concentrate on my studies anyway. And about Jinyoung and his girl? They broke up some time in October. I don’t know what happened. I’m trying not to know. Its none of my business and it never was. -_-

Havta study now~!

I am annoyed that I still haven’t forgotten his birthday. It is his birthday on the 18^th and most of the people in school are talking about the party he’s gonna have. Not that I care. His ex was of course invited… everyone around me seemed like they were invited and it was a Saturday night. Hmm, what do I expect? We were never friends. It was just a one-sided way of thinking that we were even close in the first place.

I went home and immediately rushed to my room to study. I made a resolve to not greet him. Well, I never even know if it’s still the number his using. Just as I was about to take a bath my phone lit up and a new message alert appeared. It was from an unknown number.

“Tomorrow. Just gonna eat out with the others. Come if you like. My treat J 12NN in front of the school would be the meeting place… see you there Jae-UNNIE~: D”

I was about to put my phone down and think of it as a prank but I remembered how Jinyoung used to tease me with that pet name. We were both Jung’s so he began teasing me that I might be his long lost sister. That honestly hurts but it was a joke so I always punched him in the arm whenever he said that. I gripped my phone and read the message again. It really sounds like him.

“What is this ?” I muttered out loud. I was anxious. It was months when we last talked. This can’t be him. He probably hates me by now.

Throughout the night, I sat at the edge of my bed not knowing if I should reply or not. I didn’t even realize what time I dozed off, holding my phone in my hand.

November 27

In the end, I didn’t go. I regretted it so much yes but there was nothing I can do. I was sorry but I never found the guts to personally tell him that. Well, I did but I used a different number but never told him it was me. I called him, said sorry and hanged up. Just like that.

I feel like crying. Why does this have to happen like this? OTL

I’m sad, sadder than ever when I heard he’ll be moving to a different school. He seemed to hate me too coz he just passes by me like he doesn’t know me. It hurts.

I guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine.

I’m sorry. I love you.

This love hurts.

 

-END-