Close your eyes and go back in time. A year ago, two, five. Go back to your tenth birthday, your fifth and keep going back to a different time, to a different world until you reach a past life.

            Open your eyes; you are sitting in front of the mirror. You finish putting your make up on and stand up. You are wearing a dark red dress. You know the color is far from appropriate and it will be a scandal, but you are one of the best sopranos, if not the best, of your time and you enjoy making people talk about more than just your voice. But even the thrill of that is wearing off, you are only 24 and already you are bored. Bored of Paris, where you live, bored of performing in front of the same type of people, the high class snobs that pay for your things. Yes, bored with everything.

            With a sigh, you stand up and hear a knock on the door.

            “Come in.” You answer. The door opens and you see your manager. He is a sweaty small man in his forties. He looks at you.

            “Couldn’t you wear something more appropriate? People are already talking. Maybe something pink?”

            “I could, but I won’t.” You answer with a smile. “Besides, I’m already too old to wear pink. And let them talk. What is it this time? Am I a spy? Am I having an affair with another prominent married man of society?”

            “Are you? Having an affair?”

            “No!” You take a deep breath. Breaking the pretty flower vase on his head would NOT be a good idea, you would lose your manager, who is a good man, and you wouldn’t have a place to put those beautiful red roses. “Is this why you came, Lumiere?”

            “Non, mon cher. I’m sorry. It’s just… I worry about you. So alone… I’m sorry. I came for something else. Later tonight you have a late performance.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “There is a special guest and she wants to hear you, but doesn’t want to come to such a public place and she offered a lot of money, so… would you?”

            You sigh; well it is a “she”, so she wouldn’t have to fend some aristocrat who believed all the rumors about her. “Fine, I’ll do it. I better get this performance over with then.” And with that you go face your audience.

 

            It is a couple of hours after the performance and you are stepping down of your carriage. You look up and you see a house. It’s not excessively large but it is charming and you can tell it’s expensive. You walk up the steps and immediately a servant opens the door. Beyond the French looking butler you see an Asian man. You are not surprised; your manager told that the “audience” would be an Asian princess. And Asian princess! You cannot even imagine how she would look like. You’ve only heard about Asia but have never seen and Asian person before, least of all a princess. But you’ve been performing since you were 14 years old and you can fake composure like the best of them. The French servant takes your coat and tells you to follow the other man and you do. He leads you to a big room and on a chair you see a girl. She seems to be a little younger than you. The servant makes the introductions. She is the Asian princess. She greets you with a little demure bow and with a wave of her hand the French man leaves but the Asian man remains. There is an awkward silence. Fortunately the door opens again and her piano player comes in. He sits at the piano and just like that you start your performance. The princess still sits there, cold, not showing much emotion and that pricks your pride so you give the best performance you can. When it’s over, the princess applauds you. This is the most weird performance of your life. Then the princess speaks to the man, you can’t understand a word. They seem to be arguing but finally he leaves. Then the princess turns to the piano player and tells him in accented French:

            “Thank you for your performance, Monsieur. Would you mind leaving us alone?” The man leaves and finally you are alone with her. And at that moment her whole demeanor changes, she smiles and comes close to you. She grabs your hand and bows.

            “Domo arigatou gozaimaa… ah, sumimasen. Merci. I loved your performance. You truly do have a beautiful voice.” The princess says in a heavily accented French

            And so your friendship with the Asian princess began. For the next few weeks you spend all your free time with her. She was far from the cold person she seemed to be that day. You learned that when there was no one around she was smart, sweet and even funny. She started to teach you her language and when her time to leave came, she invited you to her country and you decided to leave with her, almost causing your manager a heart attack.

 

            The trip was long but it was amazing. You had travelled to other places in Europe but you had never seen anything like this. Finally you reached your destination and the castle.

            “Come, I’ll introduce you to my father. He’s a bit traditional but he is really very kind.” The princess says before she enters the room and changes back to her “proper princess” persona as you call it. You meet her father and she was right, he did seem like a kind person and he welcomed you to his court and told you that you could stay as long as you wanted since the princess seemed to be so taken with you. Then there was a conversation you couldn’t understand and even though the princess didn’t show any reaction, you knew there was something wrong, but you say nothing. Finally the Emperor says goodbye and you are left alone again with the princess. She crumbles on to the floor.

            “What’s wrong?” you ask.

            The princess gives you a feeble smile. “Nothing is really wrong. A representative of another land has come. He’s here to finish the arrangements for my arranged marriage to his prince. It’s okay, I knew it was coming, I’m already eighteen. It just took me by surprise, that’s all.”

            With that the princess stood up, composed again. “Will you come with me to meet the representative and his son? They came here before the Emperor and the prince to make sure everything’s settled. My father said that as long as you remain quiet you could come.”

            “Of course.” You say and follow her and you don’t know that that moment is going to change your life.

 

You follow the princess and you see three people in the room. The emperor greets his daughter and by his gestures you know he’s introducing you. You see a man, he seems to be the same age as the emperor, he says something and bows, and you bow back as the princess has told you. And then the emperor introduces the representative’s son… then you see him and it seems like all the air has left your lungs. He is a tall man. Much taller than the emperor, the representative and any other man you’ve seen in this land. His hair has a lighter shade too, and he has a long neck. You look at his face. He has a neutral expression, that same schooled expression the princess has when others are around, but his eyes… he has small almond shaped eyes that look kind and a full mouth that seems to be set into a smile even though he was serious. He bows and says something, you bow back and then they are both excused so the men could go on with their business.

            The princess is quiet, you are no stranger to arranged marriages, it is what is done in Europe too, but you still feel sorry for her, she was marrying a man she hadn’t even seen before. You are walking with her in the enormous garden and you want to pay attention but your mind is still on the representative’s son. You’ve never reacted like that to anybody. His eyes, his smile…. You sigh; you just stood there and everything happened so fast and you couldn’t even remember the name…

            “Koyama Keiichiro.” You hear the princess say.

            “I’m sorry?”

            “That’s his name. Koyama Keiichiro.” The princess repeats with a knowing smile. “You were murmuring and it was obvious by the way you looked at him that he… made… and impression?”

            You blush. Blush! You hadn’t done that in years. “I’m sorry…”

            “Don’t. I understand. He is handsome although he seems so serious. That’s what I hate about aristocracy, always so serious and superior…” The princess shakes her head “Anyway, he seems to be taken with you as well.” Suddenly the princess brightens up. “Come, maybe we can see him.”

            She guides you through the garden around the castle.  “I know where the guest rooms’ windows are maybe we could get a look…”

            “Get a look at what?” You both turn around with a gasp. It’s him.

            “Mon Dieu! You speak French!” you cover your mouth immediately but he just smiles.

            “I do. As soon as I knew where you came from I wanted to talk to you. I’ve never spoken to a French person, except my teacher…” He had been talking excitedly but seemed to catch himself. “I apologize, princess, I forget myself…”

            “Don’t! I like you like this much better than the serious person in the room.” She said laughing. “Don’t worry, no one will know, we’ll keep the secret.” With that, he relaxes and still you can’t say anything. Honestly! What is wrong with you? You HAD been around other men before.

            You recover though, and manage to talk, “I will keep the secret, Koyama-san.” He looks right into your eyes and says: “Onegaishimasu.”

 

            You are sitting on a blanket with the princess and Koyama-san.

            “…she’s the best singer in Europe, but we became friends and I dragged her here.” The princess was saying

            “You didn’t drag me, I came willingly. I had to continue with the Japanese lessons didn’t I?” You say laughing.

            “Why were you willing to leave everything behind? I mean, I understand you are quite famous. It can’t be just because of language lessons” Koyama asks. Okay, so he is more than a pretty face. You look down. “I’m sorry,” he continues, “you don’t have to…”

            “No, it’s okay. I guess I was tired… tired of being what I’ve always been, what others expect me to be… I suppose it sounds silly.” You look up and see that Koyama-san is looking intensely at you.

            “No, not at all.” He says with feeling.

            Then the princess coughs delicately and you both look away.

            “So, Koyama-san,” she says. “My father will insist on me preparing for the upcoming wedding with the prince and I won’t have much time and since you said you would be staying for some time, would you mind helping my friend here with her Japanese?”

            “Princess, I’m sure Koyama-san has other…”

            “It would be my pleasure, but only on one condition. I’ve heard all about your voice, but I haven’t heard it yet. So, as a thank you for me teaching you, I want you to sing something to me.”

            “Here?”

            “Here is perfect!” Says the princess excitedly. “There is no one around.”

            Well you can’t say no to the princess, who is quickly becoming your best friend and you definitely can’t say no to Koyama-san’s warm eyes and encouraging smile. You start singing, a sweet ballad your mother used to sing. When you finish they both applaud and it makes you feel better than all the applauses you’ve heard before.

            “Thank you, Uguisu-san” Koyama-san said with a little bow

            “Uguisu-san?”

            “It’s Japanese for Nightingale. Mmh, it suits you. Uguisu” And that’s how he called you from then on.

 

            And so he became your teacher and the lessons and your moments with him are the best moments of your life so far. You love hearing his voice, deep and serious when he is teaching you and warm and higher when he gets excited about something. In spite of the first impression, he is the funniest person you’ve met and he is a bit of a scattered brain sometimes and you love that about him. You love the blush and his embarrassed look when he messes up. You love… Oh, God, you love him. How? When did that happen? No, this isn’t good, this isn’t good at all.

 

            It’s a few days later and you are with Koyama-san alone in a room practicing writing. You can’t get it just right and you get frustrated.

            “You are doing well, Uguisu-san, very well. This is difficult. I’ll help you.” He comes behind you and grabs your hand that had the brush. “See, this is how you start…” You can’t hear more, your heart is beating so hard. Your hand and his hand move together and the letter is done too soon. “See?” He says, “That’s how you do it.” But he doesn’t move away. You feel his breath on your neck and you slowly turn your head towards him. You look at each other; you are so close you are out of breath. He moves a fraction closer and stands still. You can’t help it; you close the distance and kiss him. His lips are as soft as they seemed and for a moment he kisses you back, but then he abruptly moves away.  

            “I can’t, we can’t…” he stammers. He seems… surprised? Confused? Appalled?

            “I’m sorry, Koyama-san. I… I won’t do anything like that again. I thought maybe you wanted…”

            “I did… I do, but, you see, I have my own arranged marriage, I’m already engaged.” He looked down, “I’m sorry.” Said again and left, taking all the air with him.

           

 

            You haven’t seen him in a few days. You’ve been avoiding him and you think he’s been avoiding you too. You feel so ashamed, you practically threw yourself at an engaged man, you’ve lived up to all the rumors about you. Okay, you didn’t know he was engaged and you didn’t really throw yourself at him, it was just one small kiss. One small kiss you can’t forget.

            “I’m so sorry.” Says the princess, who is sitting next to you. “I should have imagined he had an arranged marriage, being the son of an important emissary. I’m sorry.”

            “It’s not your fault, you didn’t know.”

            “For what is worth, I think he really does like you…”

            “Maybe, but that doesn’t change anything, does it?”

            “He can choose you, you know?”

            “And then what? I know how these things work, if he chooses me, in case that’s what he really wants, which we are not sure about, he will lose contact with his family, right?”

            “Maybe. It depends on his family, mostly.”

            “No, it’s fine. After all I have to go back to France sooner or later. I can’t live here dependent on you, for the rest of my life.”

            The princess looks down. “I know. But you will stay for the wedding, right? It won’t take place for a few months, but you can stand staying for some months, right?”

            “Of course.” You answer; you wouldn’t leave her alone in a time like that.

 

            You don’t know about it, but this is what is happening in another place of the castle:

Koyama-san is pacing up and down his room. He can’t stop thinking about Uguisu-san. He doesn’t know how it happened but he has fallen in love with her.

            “Ah! Dame!” he says out loud while grabbing his head with his hands. He has been avoiding her and he knows it’s not right, but he doesn’t know if he can stop himself from kissing her, and really kissing her this time.

            “What has you so worried, my son?”

            “Chichiue!”

            “I surprised you. You’ve been distracted, preoccupied lately. Do you want to talk about what’s on your mind?”

            He can’t talk to his father about this, what is he going to say? I’ve fallen in love with a foreigner and I’m thinking about braking off my engagement and to hell with the consequences? What’s that, Chichiue? You are having a heart attack? I wonder why?

            “Naro hodo.” His father says. “I see you have a decision to make and I can’t make it for you but please, my son, don’t make any rush decisions. Think about the consequences of your actions. The consequences for you, for your family, for… for everybody.” With that, his father left. Did he know?

            Koyama needs fresh air; he goes outside to the garden. It’s getting dark. He walks not really paying attention to the beautiful garden, now lighted by the paper lights. The thoughts are in chaos. He can’t decide anything. Everything is a blur and he can’t even make up his own thoughts. He looks up and sees her and everything comes into focus.

 

You are walking alone in the garden. You look at all the beautiful flowers and trees illuminated by the twilight and the paper lamps. You hear a noise behind you and you turn around and you see him. He’s walking towards you. He has an intent look and you see his long body moving in a kind of predator way.

            You take a deep breath. “Koyama-san…” He stops right in front of you and you can’t think of what you were going to say. He looks right into your eyes. He lifts one hand, slowly caresses your cheek and he closes the distance between the two of you and kisses you. You are so stunned at first you can’t move, think or even kiss him back. You open your mouth to take a breath; you just can’t seem to get enough air. He takes advantage of that and deepens the kiss. You lock your arms at the back of his neck and with a sigh you melt into him and kiss him back. And with that, both your fates are sealed. 

 

            You are sitting on a bench with him with hands locked. You know that you have to go back inside before people notice that you BOTH disappeared at the same time, but you are both reluctant to have this time end.

            “What are we going to do, Koyama-san? We can’t…” He stops you with a kiss. This is the start of a bad habit, shutting you up with kisses… or maybe not.

            “I think you can stop calling me Koyama-san, at least when it’s just the two of us. My friends and my family Keiichiro, sometimes only Kei.”

            “Mhh Kei… Kei… Kei-chan?”

            He laughs at loud, “Well, that’s highly inappropriate.”

            “Ok, now I like it even more, Kei-chan” and you kiss him, just for a change.

            “I don’t mind being called that. Actually only the prince calls me that, but I think I like it better when you say it.”

            After that, you say good bye. Of course the princess is the first and only person to hear about what happened and she is almost as excited as you are. You keep up the lessons, even though you both often get distracted and with the help of the princess you meet in the garden where no one can see you.

            This goes on for a couple of weeks. Koyama’s tried to talk about his engagement but you always stop him. You know that it will come a time when you will have to talk about it but not now. Later, there will be time later.

            Today Koyama’s father has asked to talk to you. Your heart is beating very fast. He must know something is going on. He is sitting in front of you.

            “You have a very beautiful voice.” He says. You’ve been singing regularly for the people in the castle.        

            “Thank you very much.”

            “Your Japanese has improved enormously. My son must be a good teacher.”

            “Yes. Thank you.” You say and you think: Don’t blush, don’t blush, pleaaasee don’t blush

            “And you are a beautiful woman, I can see why he is so taken with you. No, don’t say anything. I may be old but my eyes work fine and I know my son. Has he told you he is promised to someone else?” You nod, still looking down. “And does that mean nothing to you?”

            “No, and yes. I know I shouldn’t love him but…” You don’t know how to go on.

            “So you love my son. If I may be so bold, how old are you?”

            “24.”

            “A year younger than my son. You are already getting to old to marry, at least by our standards.”

            “By the standards of my country too.”

            “Has he told you about his engagement? No? Well let me explain it to you. My family has been the advisers of the Emperor for generations. I’ve trained my son and made sure he has the best education so that he can do the best job he can as an advisor. He had the best teacher, though I’m starting to regret getting him a French teacher.” He said this with a little smile that lessens the sting of his words. “I have a very close relationship with the current Emperor and he was the person who arranged the marriage for my son. She is from a very wealthy and connected family and it is a great honor for us. It will also give my son all the advantages. She turned 17 recently and they should get married soon, probably after our prince marries the princess. But the important part is, should he refuse to marry, he is not only dishonoring his family, which, in time, I might forgive, but he would be affronting the Emperor. Do you have any idea what that would entail?            

            All you can do is nod.

            “This is not against you personally. I actually quite like you. But if you truly love my son, you will think really hard about the consequences of what you two are doing.” Then he excuses himself and leaves.

 

            After thinking about everything, you know what you have to do. You don’t care about Kei-chan’s father, you only care about Kei-chan. So this night you go out to the garden to meet with him.

            He is already at the meeting place. You take your time to look at his tall figure lighted by the moon. His long legs his broad back and narrow waist. As if he’s sensed you, he turns around to look at you and he smiles. You go to him and put your arms around him and hold him tight.

            “Are you alright, Isu-chan?” Without letting go, you just nod. “We have to talk, Isu-chan. We haven’t talked about my engagement.”

            “We don’t have to.”

          “There is no engagement anymore, or there won’t be tomorrow. I’ll talk to my father and…” Now it’s your turn to shut him up. You look up and kiss him. His hands go to your hair and then he cups your face. He caresses your cheek with his thumb. By the end of the kiss you are both breathing fast. You started the kiss and you end it. Looking into his eyes, you grab his hand and start walking back to the castle. The princess told you about a hidden exit door you can use so that no one sees you going into the castle.

            “Where are we going?” Kei-chan asks. “You know? I’m not very good with dark places or bugs or lost wandering souls.”

            You chuckle. “Are you afraid?”

            “Well, no… was that a rat!?”

            “Ssshhh” You stop walking turn around and face him. “If any rat, bug or wandering souls attacks you, I’ll protect you.” You say and kiss him before he says anything. This kissing-the-other-so-he-doesn’t-speak thing can work both ways.

           You lead him out of the passage and quickly walk the corridor making sure no one sees you. You end up in front of a door, you open it and lead Kei chan inside.

            “This is your room isn’t it?” You nod. “Are you sure about this?” You just nod again. “You know I don’t think of you as just a fling, right? And we don’t…”

            “Kei chan? Shut up.”

            You both kiss and well, you remember what happened, right?

 

            It is the next morning. It is barely dawn and you’ve been awake for a couple of hours but you stayed still, feeling Kei chan’s arms around you. It’s time to get up, you can’t risk him waking up. You move slowly out of bed and get dressed with the clothes you left unpacked. Before you go you give him one last look. He is breathing slowly and deeply, a lock of hair on his forehead, his tanned skin is barely lighted by the dim sun rays of the dawn and as always his lips are set on a small smile you come a little closer and kiss his lips softly without waking him up, and just as softly you say: “Aieru” and leave without looking back.

 

            The princess is waiting for you outside the castle.

            “Are you sure about this?” she asks softly. They have to be quiet so as not to wake up anybody. Only a couple of servants were there, waiting to take her to the ship leaving for Europe.

            “Yes, I’m sorry I can’t keep my promise of staying for the wedding.”

            “It’s okay, I understand. I’m going to miss you so much.” She says and starts crying. You feel your own cheeks get wet with tears. You are going to miss her too. You are leaving your best friend too. You hug her and you go before you can’t make yourself leave them both.

 

            As you are taking the ship, back in the castle…

 

            He is back in the room given to him. He is looking out the window only in his black pants, that’s all he managed to put on before he spaced out again. Isu-chan is gone. Gone without even saying goodbye, at least not so that he could remember. He has talked to the princess and she explained why Isu-chan had left: “She couldn’t stay here forever, it’s not her place and she told me she does care about you but she just couldn’t let you throw everything away for something that might not even work. I’m sorry,” she had said in the morning when he woke up alone. His father comes in but he can’t look at him.

            “Son”

            “I don’t want to talk.”

            “Okay, then you will listen. She did the right thing. What you had would have never last. Let’s forget about the ramifications for you, but, would it have been fair to her? Keeping her away from her home, her people, her career? Would she have adapted to life here as your wife?”

            “That’s not what worried you. What worried you is the connection and the money you would have lost if I break the agreement.”

            “You would be spiting on the Emperor’s face if you reject the fiancé he chose for you!”

            “Are you sure? Don’t answer. It doesn’t matter, she left me. I guess she didn’t have much faith in us either.” He says still looking out.

            “Trust me, son, you will get over her and do what’s expected.” Koyama says nothing, he knows his father is wrong.

 

            Two weeks go by. You are already out in the sea and Koyama hasn’t really spoken to anybody yet.

            The princess is looking at Koyama-san. It’s weird seeing him like this after knowing how funny and cheerful he could be. She wants to tell him the truth, that Isu-chan (she can’t think of you with any other name now), that she loves him and left only because she thought he would be happier without her. But she had promised…

            The princess sees Koyama-san’s father and approaches him.

            “Oh, Hime-sama.” He says with a bow, she bows back. He looks back at his son.

            “I don’t think he’ll get over her.” She says. “She really does love him.” With that she leaves.

 

            You are back in Paris. It’s been two weeks since you arrived and you should feel at home but you don’t. Your manager told everybody you were taking a vacation on one of the colonies with your aunt (it wouldn’t be proper for a woman to go abroad alone, of course). Your life goes on pretty much as before as if nothing’s happened, but you know that is not true. It is dinner time but you are not hungry. You are in your house but you feel out of place and you feel as if there isn’t enough air or as if it is too thick to breath. You need to go out. You put on your coat and go out into the streets of Paris. You know it’s dangerous to go out alone at night but you don’t care, don’t even think about that.

            “Mademoiselle? Where are you going?”

            “I’m going for a walk. I feel like seeing the Siena at night.” With no other explanation, you leave.

            You walk almost aimlessly thinking about Kei-chan. You think about his eyes, the way he looked at you, his lips… Tears start streaming down your face. You get to a bridge; you go to the middle of it and look down the edge to the river. The small waves of the river are calming, soothing. Then a breeze blows your silk scarf away over the opposite edge. You go after it and see that it got caught. You go over the edge to try to reach it. Yes, it’s not a good idea but that’s what you do, you are not really thinking clearly.  As you grab the scarf you hear.

            “Isu-chan! Yamete kudasai!” You turn around and you see… a hallucination. He can’t be here. That’s when you slip.

            You are hanging onto the edge but it’s slippery. You scream. Then you feel two hands grabbing your wrists you look up and you see Kei-chan. He seems too solid to be a hallucination.

            He starts pulling you up and finally he pulls you over the edge and you both fall down on the bridge. You feel his body beneath yours and his arms going around you, you feel that he is trembling. And as he looks at you, he looks so scared.

            “What were you doing?” He asks in Japanese.

            “Getting back my scarf.” You say showing the piece of clothing that is somehow still in your hand.

            Throwing his head back he starts laughing. “What did you think?” You ask.

            He just shakes his head and holds you tighter. After a few seconds you both stand up, but he doesn’t completely let go.

            “W-what are you doing here?” You ask.

            “You left, without saying anything, you just left.”

            “Didn’t the princess tell you? I can’t let you…” He kissed her. Oh, so they were back to those tactics.

            “Yes, she told me. First she told me what you told her to say and then she told me the truth.”

            “What?! But she promised. I can’t believe she didn’t keep her promise.”

            “She is a princess, she can break her promise if she wants.”

            “What about your father, your fiancé and the emperor? None of the problems have gone away.”

            “I’ve talked to my father, he’ll come around. At the moment, I don’t have a fiancé, though I hope to get one soon, and any other problem that comes along we’ll figure it out. Just, please, don’t disappear on me again.”

            You don’t know what to say. Did he just propose to you?

            Since you just look at him wide eyed and probably looking a little stupid he goes on: “I really want to take you back to my home, my job is important and I don’t want to leave the prince, but if you want to stay here, I’ll do that…” You shake your head, this isn’t your place anymore and right now you would gladly go anywhere he wants you to.

            “And you stopped your lessons, you’ve probably forgotten everything by now.”

            “No, I still remember everything.”

            “Okay in that case, Aieru.” He gives you a huge smile.

            And you say: “Watashi mo aieru.”