He was one of my best friends, I remember he would always come home from his class, just shouting in joy...'Hyung Hyung, I met this kid in my class today, and I think I like him!' We would sit in the living room and just talk for hours. We had good days and bad days... One of our bad days was when he brought up...serving in the army. I never wanted that day to come. I tried myself to sleep thinking about it. I held onto him the whole day after that and told him I never wanted to let go. We didn't eat the whole day, at the end of the day we ate cereal and fell asleep together in each others arms. We fought time to time about the stupidest things, but thinking back on it now...I regret making a big deal about them. I never agreed with him when he asked to hang out with his guy friends, or ask to stay over their house. Sometimes he use to get mad when I spoke for hours on just a lecture.

Good days were mostly days were I went with him to his school guy after school, so he could practice his dance lessons. He made me watch every day, and would ask if he was doing it right. Every time I said yes, he would scrunch his nose and say, 'hyung are you sure?' I'd nod my head and smile. I think dragging him to Korea, was a smart idea for the both of us. He loved walking the streets early in the morning, going out in the afternoon, and roamed the streets at night, just when the street lights would come on rain or snow, he would run out and walk. Half the time I would have to grab an umbrella and run right after him. He was like a little kid, that never saw blue or green or purple lights, which at heart he was. For his 18th birthday, I brought him around some stores and we went into a toy store, he loved it. He made me buy him plushies of different animals. Returning home that same day, he layed them all out in front of him and spoke to each naming them. Sadly, we had a small house fire and they all got burned except the dragon he kept near his pillow. 

After the fire, he became a little down since he didn't have all his plushies. Whenever he heard about a fire happening somewhere else in the world, he would hold the plushie close to him and began to cry. I ran over to him and hugged him. From that point, he said I was like his dragon, because dragons were strong and protective if they cared for you. I cared for him, more than he would of every imagine. He slowly let go of the dragon, but became closer to me. He wouldn't leave the bed in the morning if I was still in bed, he wouldn't eat breakfast without me, and he wouldn't bathe before me. He would let me do everything first. I often preferred it that way so I could make sure he was okay.

Graduating school, I felt like he would be happy, but he just cried...cried for days straight. He thought the kid he met on the first day of school didn't like him, which he didn't. What he didn't notice was the kid he met, was making fun of him the whole time, calling him names left and right. What he didn't know, was that I was there every step of the way. It hurt when he came home crying, running into his room and locked the door. Not opening it for anybody, not even me. I tried pointing it out to him, and he even yelled at me... It was hard for me to express my feelings, every time I brought up about me liking someone...he would always say things like, "good luck" or "you deserve it." But what he didn't know was that it was him....n-not until...t-that day...

T-the day he came up and spoke to me about, suicide... I didn't see it as a white flag. I saw it as curiosity. He told me he was doing a paper on it, but when I asked if I would read it, he took if offensively and snarled at me. I apologized, thankfully he forgave me. I found myself to be spending a lot more time with him. I woke up, took him to school, and picked him up from school. We walked home sometimes getting food, or would stay out late until the colored lights came out. He had so much fun, at the end of the day he would sneak in my bed and talk about the whole day eventually falling asleep. I didn't move him, instead I fell asleep with him.

H-he got mad at me once, because I was going out with some friends that I went to high school with, and he decided to stay home. I was out longer than he wanted me to be. He began to talk about how he didn't want me staying out late with friends that liked to get drunk and cause havoc. H-he cried once, because I told him one of my friends kissed me because he was so drunk. He cried so much, he eventually passed out in my arms. I felt bad, but I didn't know what to do. He knows I would of never done anything to hurt him. I promised his parents and sister I couldn't

They day his parents kicked him out, his sister had called him, but I happened to pick up. She was in japan filming a movie, but she asked me to take care of him. She told his parents I would but they only thought I would take him in because I wanted to have my way with him. i never saw him in that way... They didn't agree with any of my actions ever since I was a teen... I left china around the age of 18...he was still 16. I took him in a couple months after his 17th birthday. I didn't know how to calm him down, for the moment he thought I only took him in so I could have my way with him, but i assured him that I was there to be a guardian, not what his father called a 'babysitter.'

From what he told me, he never had a good childhood. His mom was sick half the time, and when his father had to watch him and his sister, he was beat. Both, ually and physically. It disgusted me when he had told me, but it only encouraged me to hold into him tighter, never wanted to let go. I often had a fear, of letting him go. Getting so close to him, I became a slight bit strict on what he did after school. If he wasn't going to be dancing, he needed to be home. I felt bad after a while, I didn't want to act like a over protective father, but I wasn't going to let him roam around with the wrong people.

So, I eventually let him stay out with friends that I've met more than twice and was sure they were safe...but looks are deceiving... There was one of his friends that took him out to see the lights in down town Korea, which was a good hour away from where we were living..and left him there... I went on a search for him and found him crying under a soaked card board box. I carried him all the way home and took him a bath. That is when he confessed to me, while his mother with his sister to japan for the first time, his dad locked him out of the house and he was forced to stay under that box.

W-when the hospital called me saying that he was in the emergency room, I cried my whole walk there. I got to a room they put him in, he was bandaged up all on his legs and arms and he had breathing tubes connected to him. I had so many scared while he was in there, the heart monitor would go so fast, but than the nurses and doctors would inject him with something and his heart would go back to a normal rate. No body told me what happened to him, when I arrived to the hospital they asked who I was, and I replied he was my boyfriend...I don't think i was hated by so much people in my life. 

A couple days later, he woke up...He smiled at me and said he was sorry. He had been hit by a car while out one night. I swore I found find out the guy who did it too him, but the guy who had hit him, was a drunk driver and had died from the crash. When the doctors took off his bandages, there were so many cuts and bruises on his arms and leg. The ones on his leg looked deep...but I thought they were from the accident. He never told me how it happened, he never really liked to bring it up. The time he spent in the hospital, I held on to his hand while by his side, I felt so guilty. He would always look at me and would ask what was wrong. I always told him, 'I don't know what I would do if anybody tried to take you away. You mean to much.' He always would giggle, and say 'No one can take me away from you wufan.'

T-the day finally came where I found out he had been hurting himself... Coming home from college classes, I thought he was okay. sometimes he would come strait into the house and not say a word. Just go strait into the bathroom of his room. I felt bad, one day I sat at the bathroom door asking how his day was. I didn't know how long he was going to be there, depending on the days of the week, his time in the bathroom varied. He didn't lock the door one day and I went in after I heard a few sobs. T-there he w-was....o-on the f-floor...blood running down his legs and onto the floor. I bit back my tears, but h-he just made them all come out. He kept saying, 'I'm sorry Kris, I am so sorry...' I told him it was all okay... and for a while I thought it was.

It was a friday morning, he had gone to the bathroom before heading off to school. I made sure I walked with him and told him to call me when he got out, like every day. Except that day, it was different. Before leaving his side, I-I....I told him that I loved him. He smiled to me and kissed me, saying that he had grown to fall in love with me too. During the day, he had sent me a random text saying, "Hold on." It had been months since I found him on our bathroom floor with blood running down his legs. I sat at home and cried, I could have done better...I failed myself to be a good guardian. Around 4 p.m., I got a call from his college, that call...made it clear that I was never going to see the love of my life again. I was never going to be able to pick him up from school or walk him to school....He was never going to be able to see the different colored lights that he loved.

I found myself at the hospital again, the same hospital that he was in when he got into the car accident. They left me outside his room waiting in anticipation. I was pacing, groaning and hitting walls...I couldn't wait any longer. He looked fine the same morning... The doctor came out of his room half an hour later. The last thing I remembered him saying...'I am sorry but, it seemed that he has overdosed...He's gone...' 

I thought I was dead after hearing those words... In all reality, I was. I lost the love of my life, I could of done something more to save him and I didn't do anything. I am sorry."

I shut my the notebook and looked up at everybody sitting and crying, as tears continued to fall down my face. Next to me, was him...lifeless laying in that coffin...Gone. I stepped down from the stand and took my seat near his few close friends from school. They hadn't looked up since they got there. As the ceremony ended, everyone made there way to the cemetery a couple blocks away. We all stood there as the coffin was lowered into the hole. Hearing sobs coming from the only few people that were there made me breakdown in tears once more. A man, who had been an old friends father came up to me and patted my back, "I am sure Luhan is up there right now thanking you.... Hold on Kris, Hold on."

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I hoped you guys enjoyed it.  I am sorry for putting Luhan as the one who was suicidal, but I assure you I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against Luhan. He is one of my exo-m Bias! <3 I love him a lot :3 But I hope you enjoyed my sad...depressing one-shot. I was inspired from good charlotte's "Hold on." In the beginning of the video everyone is talking about someone that was close to them that had passed away. Thank you for reading! <3