Near the Sky

***

Tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth in concentration, Seungho buttoned the cuffs of his sleeves and then pulled his tie around his neck anxiously. It was already half past eight which meant they were already behind schedule.

“Jooyeon, we’re going to be late lo-” he began to yell before he realized what he was doing. The last word, love, got stuck on his tongue and he trailed off almost immediately because the reality of it was that she was no longer there to call.

“Daddy?” a small, soft voice interrupted his thoughts.

He turned, the lump in the back of his throat hardening at the sight of the little girl standing in the doorway. Sinking onto the edge of his bed, he motioned for his daughter to come closer, a hand coming up to her hair. “You look so beautiful,” he whispered. She was in the dress that they had bought ‘just because’ and someone, maybe his mother, had fixed her hair in a perfect little braid down the back. She looked like a little angel, how he had envisioned her when he’d picked it out, and far to pretty for an ugly day like today.

She nodded, chubby baby cheeks puffing up in a frown before asking with gentle curiosity. “Were you calling for Mommy because you miss her?”

Seungho bit his lip. To say he missed Jooyeon was a complete and utter understatement. He hadn’t slept since the night, instead pacing the floor and stopping by his daughter’s room to watch her sleep, to watch her breathe and to know she was still there.When he became too exhausted for even that, he lay on the couch only half awake and unmoving because he couldn’t stand that the sheets still lingered with her scent.

 “Yes baby, I miss Mommy very much,” he nodded as he smoothed out the front of her dress.

“Daddy?”

He forced himself to look at her face. He knew that it was important to let her ask questions, to talk, to process through things. He just couldn’t get over how much she looked like his wife, how her mannerisms reflected her mothers. “Yeah baby?”

“Mommy said I’m apossed to take care of you now. She said that if she had to go, she wanted me to take care of you.”

Of course she would have, Jooyeon would have known he was going to be a mess. It wasn’t exactly as if they hadn’t known this day might come. In that moment he wanted to throw up but  somehow he found a weak smile and leaned forward to kiss his little girl’s forehead, lingering there for a few moments before standing up and taking his suit coat off of the hanger.

There was a tug on his pants pocket. “But Daddy, your tie is not straight.”

He looked down. It was. And it was also one of those things that had always bothered Jooyeon. It seemed as if she was forever hunting him down and fussing over little things like that. When they were young it had been his hat and she had liked it backwards so she could kiss him. When they were older it had been his tie. She would stand in front of him and tie it slowly, giving him a teasing look as she pulled it tight and straightened it. In the reflection of the mirror he could practically see it.

His knees buckled, a small gasp escaping his lips as his eyes watered. He tilted his head back and tried to blink but the tears slipped out anyways. He slid down to the floor, burying his face in his hands.

“Are you crying Daddy?”

Inhaling and wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he nodded and opened his arms so that Joo Eun could climb in to them.

“Daddy?”

“Yes baby,” he murmured, tucking her under his chin and wrapping his arms all the way around her little body.

“Can I cry too? Is th-that okay?”

“Of course, of course,” he choked, heart breaking as he felt her little hands grab onto his shirt. Drawing up his knees with her against his chest, he felt his shirt grow damp with her tears. His throat was tight with sobs of his own as he clung to his daughter, not even caring if their outfits were getting wrinkled.

Until his brother knocked on the door to tell them he had the car ready, they stayed that way- tangled up in each other’s pain.

***

Why the service had to be in the same place they were married he had no idea. It was probably the last place he wanted to be entering at the moment but he had to. There was no way he would miss sending her off.

With one hand the top of the casket softly as if to say ‘It’s going to be okay’, he began the slow walk down the center aisle, fingertips never leaving the polished wood surface. Swallowing hard, he tried not to look straight ahead, not to remember the way the same stained glass windows that bounced colors off of his shoes now, had once reflected off of her white gown while took his vows.

In sickness and in health… Until death do us part.

He had been so naïve when he spoke those words. He meant exactly what he was saying, meant with all his heart that he would be there with her until the end. But he hadn’t, no couldn’t have known that that promise would need to be carried out so soon.

And there he was, at the altar once again, but this time alone. Everything around him was a blur, he couldn’t see, hear, or feel anything but the stupid box in front of him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he wasn’t supposed to be standing here without her next to him. He wasn’t supposed to be saying goodbye to his wife.

And suddenly Seungho found himself bending over, pressing his lips to the cold, flat surface and trying to pretend that he was kissing her for the first time as her husband. Closing his eyes, he listened for the words “I know pronounce you husband and wife” but they never came.

Instead there was a worried hand on his shoulder, and the sound of the sorrowful organ, and stumbling over his own feet as he was led to his seat, Seungho went numb.

***

“I need a moment, alone.”

No one questioned the request, no one was questioning anything today and for that Seungo was thankful. He kissed his daughter on the cheek and told her to be good for her uncle before turning his back to his family.

Walking around the sides of the casket, he ran his fingers across the engraved blackbirds on the top, tracing their outline. The words ‘I hate you’ were bouncing endlessly around in his brain but he knew they would never come out of his lips because he could never hate Jooyeon.

“You idiot,” he growled, letting go of the corner and shoving his hands in his pockets. “Don’t you know how much this hurts?”

There was no answer which made him inexplicably angry. Stepping forward, he slammed his hand down on the top of one of the birds. “You should have fought harder!” he accused, swiping at the pile of flowers on top. “How am I supposed to go and live without you here. How am I supposed to take Joo Eun and just keep going without you? Did you even think about that when I asked to you to fight?”

Throwing his hands in the air, he walked away and stood beneath the nearest tree running his fingers through his hair. A light breeze passed through, and he felt his shoulders drop. For months, he’d wondered what it would feel like if she was gone. Following the diagnosis, he’d spent every second he was able to, holding her hand and touching her face. He’d tried so hard to memorize every detail about her, ever miniscule thing out of fear that he might have to wake up without her. As much as they didn’t want to be, they had tried to be prepared. But now, that day was here and he wasn’t ready.

“You know I don’t mean that right?” he said to empty air before wandering back towards the mess he’d made. “God I want to yell at you so much. I want to tell you that you should have fought harder for me, for our little girl, but dammit Jooyeon you were so ing stubborn I know you did all you could.”

He put his hands over the images of the birds once more, this time gently and almost apologetically. “If I could go back and fly a kite with you again, I’d tie a thousand wishes on the tail… all of them saying that you would never leave me.”

He paused, hands shaking again and the familiar feeling building in his throat. “Why,” he choked, laying his head against the casket. He didn’t even care that he was a sniffling, crying mess anymore because everything hurt. “Why did you leave… you know I can’t take care of myself alone.” Whimpering he clung to the wood and covered the laquer with tears, wishing that if he shed enough tears it could bring her back.

When he left, he placed a single white rose and a kiss over the spot where her heart would be.

***

The night was clear for the first time in months. There were no clouds, no fog, nothing to obscure the stars twinkling in the sky. For a long time Seungho sat on the back steps staring at them.

The back door slid open and a few moments later, his brother took a seat beside him. “She’s sleeping,” he said.”

“Good,” Seungho replied simply, “It was a long day for a five year old.”

Looking down at his hands, he spun his ring around his finger. The gold shone in the moonlight and he remembered two hands with matching bands closing over each other past curfew.

“It’s okay to not be alright,” Seunghoon told him suddenly.

He shook his head quickly. There was simply no use in pretending he was. “I’m not… and to be honest I don’t know if I’ll ever be.”

A pregnant silence overtook the space. Seungho knew he was being given moment, out of courtesy, to sort through his feelings. He was thankful for family who understood or at least tried to.

“But she is,” he whispered, leaning back and tilting his head up to the sky.

 “She always wanted to be near the sky.”