Cold as ice

 And more bitter than a December.

That was how I knew Kim Heechul. He seemed so angry at the world since his old lover died three years ago next week.

 Winter night

 That's how I treated you

 And I know that I

 I sometimes tend to lose my temper

 And I cross the line

Everytime he mentions his name, or even mutters how I remind him of that person I get angry. It pains me to hear him call his name when we have . But, I refuse to leave I’m stubborn that way, no matter how many times he tells me to leave his side.

 Yeah that's the truth

 I know it gets hard sometimes

 But I could never

 Leave your side

I hated when we fought no matter who started it or why. I threaten to leave, to kill him, to just beat him, though I mean nothing of what I say. I can see his pain every day and it lightens a lot, just it all returns around this time every year.

 No matter what I say

 Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

I cry at night. I know it means weakness to you, but you do the same over him as I do you. Because every day I draw closer to breaking. You always seem distant when we visit certain places or do certain things. But I know you love me, right?

 But I really need you near me to

 Keep my mind off the edge

 If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

Your soft arms and features seemed to be all I need when I’m upset. You always hold me at the right times. Touch me at the right times. You know me so well even though we only knew eachother for such a short time. yet here we are in your bed screaming eachother’s names like it’s the last we’ll ever speak.

 But you're the only one that knows me

 Better than I know myself

 I remember when Kai and Taemin introduced me to you and him. You were both so happy I was so jealous. You see I loved you even then, I couldn’t leave you I wanted by your side all the time. I remember I would tease you and pull all these strange jokes that earned smiles and laughs from our friends but glares from you. Sungmin once said I was a genius for the hot peppers in your soup. Your attention always brought me happiness and I felt your love. But I repressed the feelings inside. Tried to deny the love I felt the sadness I felt when you were sad.

All along

 I tried to pretend it didn't matter

 If I was alone

 But deep down I know

 If you were gone

 For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn

 Cause I'm lost without you

 I know your pain, I feel it every day, every time we come here. I just want to die sometimes, it gets so hard in the days that go by.

I know it gets hard sometimes

 But I could never

 Leave your side

 No matter what I say

 Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

Drinking can only dull the pain, no wonder you get so angry when you do it. The pictures on the mantel only make me angrier though. I want to leave here so badly, run from you and him. Run from all the pain you make me face and endure every day.

 But I really need you near me to

 Keep my mind off the edge

 If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

 But you're the only one that knows me

 Better than I know myself

 My anger gets the better of me and I know it scares you. I know my yelling makes you hurt, I make you hurt. But I promise to be better don’t leave me because of this please. Saranghae, please I’ll be better, less of a prick if that’s what you want.

I get kind of dark

 Let it go too far

 I can be obnoxious at times

 But try and see my heart

 Cause I need you now

Your evil as well though, and he’s gone now. It’s just us now and that’s how I wanted it. I wanted to be with you, I always have.

 So let me down

 You're the only thing in this world

 I would die without

 You protect me all the time and smother me with warmth when you know no one is around. it annoys me and you know this, but you don’t care, he allowed you to do it to him so I allow it too.

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

 But I really need you near me to

 Keep my mind off the edge

 If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

 But you're the only one that knows me

 Better than I know myself

 Hyung, you’re my demon and my angel if that’s possible. I know you hurt when I threaten to leave you but I lie. I could never leave you.

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

 But I really need you near me to

 Keep my mind off the edge

 If I wanted to leave I would have left by now

 But you're the only one that knows me

 Better than I know myself

Heechul hyung, Saranghae, I hope this note reminds you of that fact, because I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings it’s one of the many similarities we share. So please don’t cry over Hankyung hyung anymore, I’m here.

 Sarang Cho Kyuhyun.