(insecure and supposedly unworthy)

My love, goodbye now- you’re the only one (you’re the only one)

Even at the moment we break up, you’re the only one

Junsu has been in love with Taeyeon for two years and three-hundred-and-twenty-one days.

He has been her boyfriend for two years and seven days.

(Meaning it took him 314 days for him to scrape up as much courage as he could do babble out a broken and weirdly worded confession- but a confession nonetheless. He is still surprised that she said yes.)

And in all the time he has known (been in love with her), he has never ever (not even once) thought he was good enough for her.

His oh so lovely best friend Changmin likes to call him insecure.

Junsu just happens to think that he is unworthy of the beautiful and amazing Kim Taeyeon.

That is all.

Because since their first meeting, he has known that Kim Taeyeon is completely out of his league- but she is in love with him anyway.

--

He’s late- of course he would be.

Only he, Kim Junsu, would find it in himself to be late to one of his best friend’s birthday party.

He just knew that Shim Changmin would stab him for being late. He was thinking about asking to be stabbed in the arm or the thigh or something- anything but his face (and ).

It is when he is scrambling to get to the door, tripping up the stairs, and bursting through the front door of the Shim household that something (someone) changes his life.

The moment he falls flat on the floor, completely sprawled out, he announces his already known presence. “Shim, go easy on the stabbing!” he says, breathless and laying motionlessly on the floor.

Right after this statement, he hears the very familiar alligator laugh that he has come to associate with Im Yoona. But there is another laugh- he has never heard it before. He would remember if he has heard it before.

His mind vaguely thinks that it kind of sounds like an ahjumma laugh before he slowly lifts his head and he sees no one else after he identifies the girl that is laughing.

The first thing he notices are her eyes. They are striking- even as she is trying not to laugh too hard at his entrance. (She didn’t really succeed in that.)

Junsu learns later on who his mystery lady was (after playfully getting stabbed with a plastic fork courtesy of Shim Changmin).

She is Kim Taeyeon. She only came to the party and knew Changmin because of Yoona, his dear friend’s gorgeous girlfriend.

He never believed in love at first sight until he looked at her eyes.

--

It is not an unusual thing for Taeyeon to be hit on.

She is, after all, the most stunning person in the world (and Junsu would like to say he is just biased- but he can’t because Kim Taeyeon is truth and she is beautiful, damn it.)

But it is when she gets blatantly hit on right in front of him that he can’t stand it.

A guy comes sidling up to her, completely ignoring Junsu’s presence. He puts on what Junsu considers a greasy smile and says, “Hello beautiful.”

Junsu doesn’t know whether to laugh because the line was horribly cliché or throw up because it is horribly cliché.

She nods to the statement but says nothing else. She is smiling stiffly.

“If you’re not busy next weekend, would you like to catch a movie with me?”

It is then that Junsu is over the ‘should I laugh/should I throw up?' dilemma and he decides to do neither. Instead, he wraps his arms around Taeyeon and pulls her closer to him.

“Sorry, man. But she is spoken for.” he says, proud smile on his face. Taeyeon has to stifle a little laugh at how proud her boyfriend sounds.

The guy looks at him, scrutinizing him with a look that clearly says, “I am better than you.” He leaves without another word; Junsu appreciates that the guy was courteous enough not to go after someone else’s lady.

But Junsu is still irritated the rest of their date; Taeyeon has to send him home with a little smile and a kiss on the cheek. He feels a little better after that. (After all, he did get a kiss from Taeyeon.)

But right when he gets home, Junsu learns who that guy is, courtesy of Yunho. He can’t help but sigh. Even he has to admit it; the guy is better than him in all aspects.

He’s rich, good looking, and smart.

He’s better in school, in the aesthetically pleasing aspect, and financially ahead of everyone else. Not only that, but he plays sports well and he’s known for treating his lady right.

Junsu begrudgingly admits that he is better suited for Taeyeon.

(Because in Junsu’s world, Taeyeon deserves the best of the best- he might not be it, but that other guy might be.)

--

He has a passing thought, after that infuriating day. His thought process is as follows: “That guy would be so much better for Taeyeon than me. I don’t even deserve her. Should I let her go?”

When he sees her sparkling eyes and her bright grin, he feels his heart clench in a painful way.

He knows he should give her up, let her be with something that is actually on the same level of her wonderfulness.

(His other best friend Yoochun wonders why he has such low-self esteem. Junsu wonders too.)

Junsu makes the decision as he stares into those eyes- the eyes that he loves, the eyes that captured his heart.

He’ll let her go.

He doesn’t deserve her. He is unworthy of her (and he is always insecure about that).

(He’s not surprised that he suddenly feels like crying- and of course, when Taeyeon asks, he tells her that he has dust in his eyes. He won’t worry her.)

--
Junsu thinks and thinks and thinks about how to let go of the best thing that has ever happened to him so much that one day, he just blurts it out.

“I’m letting you go.”

She is in the middle of a very intense tetris game when he tells her this. She pauses just as she is going to go onto the next level. She lets the lines pile up as she stares at him blankly. He sits awkwardly in her living room; he realizes then that he should have picked a better location. Taeyeon doesn’t even mind when the words “GAME OVER” appear on the screen.

(She would rather it be game over in her game; she can accept that. She can’t accept it being over with Junsu though. She won't stand for it.)

Taeyeon stares at him incredulously for a long time and Junsu feels the urge to run away so that he doesn’t need to explain himself.

“What did you just say?” she asks.

Junsu almost feels like hyperventilating and then just playing everything off with a smile, but he can’t. He knows that Taeyeon deserves someone better.

“I’m letting you go.” he says, repeating his words slowly. “I don’t deserve you.” his words are measured and sort of thought out. He wants this last speech to not have any mistakes. “I love you so, so much, but I can’t be with you because I feel like you could be with someone so much better than me.”

Taeyeon tries to speak, tries to get a word in Junsu’s selfless (but selfish) monologue, but he doesn’t let her. He continues talking whilst Taeyeon looks at him like he is going crazy. “I realized it that one day, when you got hit on at that café. I realized that you, with all your wonderful talents, adorable and dorky personality, and looks that you could have anyone that you wanted. I am only a liability to you. You deserve the best guy in the world, and lets face it- I am not that guy.”

She is still looking at him like he is going crazy when she tries to speak again.

He cuts her off. “I love you, Kim Taeyeon. But I don't deserve you.” And then he stands up and walks out of her living room, out of her house. Junsu doesn’t look back so he doesn’t see the speechlessness on her face. He doesn’t see the shedding tears as she looks at him, confused.

He sings sadly to himself as he walks away from her house.

It hurts and hurts and it’s foolish but good bye

Though I may never see you again, you’re the only one

(Later in the day, he swears to Yunho that he has dust in his eyes even though they are in a clean apartment. Jaejoong thinks he is a fool. That is one of the few things that Jaejoong and Changmin agree on. Yoochun takes it upon himself to write Junsu a sad love song- Junsu doesn’t appreciate any of it.)

--

Taeyeon shows up at his house the next day.

She shows up at promptly at 12:15.

Junsu woke up at 7:09 that morning. He has been up, sitting in bed and moping for the past several hours; he realizes that he is miserable and a fool, but he still thinks that this is for the best.

So when he opens the door at a little past noon and sees Taeyeon standing right before him, he says, “You’re making it very hard for me to let you go.” His tone is dry as she pushes past him to enter his house. He pouts a little at the action.

She makes herself comfy in his living room before patting the seat next to her, making it clear that she wants him to sit down there.

Taeyeon is staring at him with those eyes and he can’t help but comply to her command. (He notices that her eyes are red-rimmed and tired looking. He sees the eye-bags that weren’t there yesterday and he feels immensely guilty. He reminds himself that it was for her sake in the long run.)

He moves over slowly and does not sit nearly as close as she wants him to. She moves closer instead, which makes him move away. Three scoots later and Junsu is right on the edge of the couch with Taeyeon right next to him.

She cuts straight to the chase.

“Why did you break up with me? And why did you do it so dramatically?” There is hurt in her eyes, and that hurts him more than he thinks it should. The ending question is said as a little jab, a little way to ease the tension. (When Junsu thinks back later on it, he realizes that it was rather dramatic.)

Even as she is sitting next to him, demanding an answer, he cannot get over how undeserving and unworthy he is of her.

“And don’t tell me that bullcrap about how you don’t deserve me.” He opens his mouth to speak but he is cut off. “I’m pretty sure you know how much I love you, so why would you even try to do something like this?”

The tables are turned; now it is Taeyeon that is not allowing Junsu to utter a word.

Junsu sits there, speechless as she pretty much rants at him.

“I am choosing to be with you. I don’t care how much you think you don’t deserve me, which is weird, because I think you deserve me plenty- but I love you.” She stares at him heatedly, almost provoking him to argue with her words. “You deserve me, I deserve you, and I don’t know why you’re so insecure about our relationship when you shouldn’t be at all.”

Count on Kim Taeyeon to set Kim Junsu straight.

“And if you expect me to be okay with you just letting me go- you have another coming, Junsu.” Her eyes are shining again and he knows she is getting more emotional- he is too. Her cheeks are puffed and he knows she’s determined (and angry).“If you let me go, I’ll chase after you, Junsu.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” he mumbles. “No need to chase me.” He is pouting and his tone is sad. He knows he has messed up (but in his mind, he really thought that he was doing this for her own sake). 

“Well, if you’re not going anywhere and I’m not going anywhere and we’ve both proclaimed our love for each other at some point, then we have no problem, right?” asks Taeyeon, looking at him questioningly.

“I’m sorry.” he says guiltily. “I really thought that-” She holds a hand up and he takes it as his cue to stop talking.

“Get dressed, we’re going out so that I can show you that I am choosing to be with you and so you can make it up to me for breaking my heart for a day.” She smiles a little at him, which makes him smile back. He gets up without any more prompting.

As he is walking up the stairs, he quietly (but sincerely) says, “I love you, Kim Taeyeon.” She hears him, loud and clear.

She rolls her eyes at him; she is not going to forgive him so easily. But still, she smiles at the line. “Hurry up!” Her smile grows a little wider as she hears his hurried footsteps up the stairs.

--

Taeyeon sneaks a peek at his iPod that is nonchalantly left on the coffee table once he leaves and she snorts at the sight.

 “No wonder.” she mumbles.

She finds it endearing that he is so in tune with the music he likes, but she needs to give him a talking to. He can’t just break up with her because he has been listening to a song about letting go, for crying out loud!

The words stand out glaringly on the screen.

Only One by BoA.

(end)

In my story Cupid Must Have Been High, Taeyeon is the love stricken one, so it was nice turning the tables of Junsu this time around. WHY DID HE TURN OUT SO INSECURE THOUGH? >< I apologize to you, Junsu! Haha. Taeyeon is for sure the reasonable one in their relationship though xD My prompt was BoA's Only One. I...kind of...followed it? xD I also needed a happy ending, and this was the only way I knew how with that kind of prompt, so... ;D

babyloveeex3, I hope you liked this one shot! 

TaeSu <3