Middle School

Doojoon confidently strode up to his friend, his best friend after their summer vacation.  The one person that supported him in his dreams no matter how much others told him he would fail.  That he wasn’t idol material.  The only person in the world he would ever consider giving up his dream for; if only for a smiling acceptance at his confession.  He was sure his friend would accept him.  They experimented together, both realizing that unlike many of the other boys in class they didn’t find any of the girls even remotely cute.  They had shared their first kiss together, taken long walks hand in hand together.  There was only one secret that Doojoon had ever kept from his friend, and only because he wanted to be sure they could be together.

So he strode up to his friend confidently, nearing their usual meeting tree with a huge grin on his face.  Excited he turned the boy to face him, pulling out the headphones in the process.  His friend gave him that adorable ‘what’ look, the same look that had caused Doojoon’s heart to beat a million times more than he was sure it was supposed to.  With a deep breath he let out all his feelings, anticipation growing in him as the butterflies in his stomach decided that it was a good time to do summersaults. 

To his surprise, his friend gave him a startled look before giving him a sneering grimace.

“That’s gross Doojoon.  Men are supposed to be with women for a reason.”  Doojoon’s eyes widened, hurt tears filling them.  He had been so sure his friend would have felt the same way.  Had been so sure that the boy he had spent the summer with talking about everything, would have accepted him no matter what.  Now he could only feel his heart slow, tiny fractions forming in the beating muscle as his friend took one step, two steps away.  It was like a manhwa, the wind blew through the trees, causing leaves to shuffle along behind his once friend, the sunlight giving a glow that caused the scene to become blurry.  Of course, Doojoon had convinced himself that he wasn’t his tears creating the effect.

Two days later Doojoon was out casted.  He was bullied, having things thrown at him daily, finding his desk missing, or sometimes items from his bag.  He was given disgusted looks as he walked through the hallways, even from his former friend.  He seemed to take pride in what he was doing to Doojoon.  Everyday Doojoon could feel more and more pieces of his heart disappear.  Every day he slowly pulled into himself, at school he lost his smile, he lost his voice.  The only time he had the courage to smile was when he was training.  He was happy to have the distraction that wasn’t school.  Dancing, singing, rapping, whatever he could do to better himself; and slowly his confidence appeared.  It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to make him strong in what he loved.  He would show his whole school if he had to that he wasn’t as weak as they thought he was; that he wasn’t sick, that he wasn’t a failure.

Cube

Through hard work and years of practice, Doojoon managed to find his heart again.  Having been giving the decision to choose between two companies he chose the smaller of the two, deciding he would have a better chance to make his debut.  There he met him; a shy, quiet boy, who had been forced from his own group because his lack of stage presence.  He was beautiful, maybe a little broken down, but the way his black hair fell into his eyes, or the way he would smile at another auditionee named Yoseob, it caused Doojoon’s heart to beat faster and faster.  When Doojoon finally heard his voice, it was like angels playing harps in his head.  Cupid had somehow found his heart that felt the size of the Grinch’s before he heard the who’s sing.  He felt stupidly in love, all over again. 

But this time instead of acting on his feelings, he looked the other way.  He didn’t want to fall for a fellow member; he didn’t want to be hurt again.  He didn’t want to be broken again.  He wasn’t confident that Hyunseung would like him (not that his confidence before had made a difference), therefore he stayed quiet.  Cheering silently when he found out they would be in the same group.  It made him proud that Hyunseung was slowly breaking the shell that had held him back from Big Bang.  He cheered in support when they made their debut, when they made their comeback, and another comeback.  Always with the good intentions of a leader did he cheer out loud, but in his heart he cheered with love, shouting from imaginary mountain tops that Hyunseung looked the best on stage, that his new hair color fit him to the T, that he loved him with every fiber of his soul. 

Always in his heart did he have the confidence to do anything, but he could never act on it. The fear of losing everything weighed on him.  On top of Fear was Coward, and a grinning Defeat sitting on top of them.  A three tiered demon cake that didn’t allow room for Courage or Happiness.