When I awoke the next morning, the birds were chirping, and the sun was shining. It would have been a beautiful morning, except for one little thing. He was not beside me. He was gone, and he was not coming back. I collapsed back on the bed and threw my arm over my eyes, wanting to block out reality.

          I must have fallen asleep again as I opened my eyes upon hearing my phone ringing. I ruffled through the items on my side table, knowing I had left it there. I looked at the screen and blinked trying to focus my eyes to read the name. “Youngjae” it said. I sighed before answering the call, not really wanting to speak to anyone at the moment, but I knew if I did not answer my phone, Youngjae would worry, and I hate it when he worries.

          “What is it Youngjae?” I asked, even though I had a feeling I knew exactly what this was about.

          “How are you Daehyun?” he countered. “I heard all about what happened.” I scoffed into the phone. He really could not keep his mouth shut, could he? He probably blabbed to everyone in the hopes that Himchan would hear about him being single.

          “I’ve been better.” I admitted. “How is…he?” I cautiously asked, not wanting to hear the answer, but wanting to know desperately at the same time.

          “Well…” Youngjae started, “Um, I really don’t know how to say this gently.”

          “I really messed it up this time, didn’t I?” I choked back a sob, but the tears were threatening to pour over my eyes.

          “No Daehyun!” He exclaimed. “You didn’t do anything. It’s not your fault.”

          “That’s what they always say.” I seethed before hanging up the phone and tossing it onto the floor.

          I could not think of a single reason why every time my life was kind of going smoothly something would happen and mess it all up. You would figure I would be used to this kind of thing already but, each time it happens, it hurts so much more than the last. I honestly did not feel like doing anything anymore. I crawled out of bed and took a quick shower before making my bed and going to the kitchen to make some tea. I put it into a thermos and grabbed my keys and headed out. I tightened my scarf around my neck to counter the chill of the wind as I walked down the streets.

          I walked to the one place that held good memories for me, the park my mother would take me to as a child. I sat on a bench that overlooked the pond and sipped on my tea as I watched ducks swimming on the pond’s surface and I smiled a bit as children chased after the birds. Being a child was so simple; there were fewer things to worry about and more things to be happy about. I felt a lot better as the time passed, and I decided it was time to head back home. As I walked up the steps to my door, I paused upon seeing someone there.

          “I was worried when you weren’t answering your phone.” He explained. I just stood in my place and blinked at him as I tightened my grip on my keys.

          “Well I’m fine, so you can go.” I softly said as I pushed past him to get to the door. He stopped me by grabbing my wrist.

          “Wait, Daehyun. I’m sorry, okay?” he gently stated. He was sorry. Sorry his brother was a jackass, or sorry because he hurt me tenfold? “Yongguk is an idiot, please don’t be that hurt by this.”

          I scoffed and shook him off and hurried inside. I quickly locked the door and slid down it, sitting on the floor my head in my hands. Yongnam would never be able to know, but he was my first love. I loved him so much, and what did he do? He introduced me to Yongguk instead of receiving my feelings. He told me that I could not have him, but Yongguk looked just like him, so there would not be a problem. Granted this happened many years ago, when we were still in high school, but the pain of that rejection was always fresh in my mind. Especially when I had Yongguk to remind me daily of it. I was glad Yongguk and I were over. I could finally try to get Yongnam out of my heart, but of course he would not allow me to do that now would he?

          I did the inevitable and called Youngjae and asked him to come over. I was in the kitchen making more tea when he walked in. I saw the concern in his eyes when he noticed what I was doing.

          “I assume it’s more bad news.” He sighed, removing his coat and putting it away before coming over to me and giving me a hug. I sank into his touch because he was the only person right now who could give me the consolidation that I so dearly needed at the time. He patted my head and squeezed me.

          “I’m here for you Daehyun.” He said. “You can always come to me.”

          I nodded and motioned for him to find a seat. I poured some mint tea into two cups and sat one before Youngjae and started sipping from mine immediately. Youngjae knew exactly what to do for me. He let me drink my tea in silence as he observed me and occasionally took a sip of his tea. He was really a wonderful friend to me.

          “Thank you.” I said in between sips.

          Youngjae smiled and leaned back in his seat as he finished off his tea. We sat in a comfortable silence for a while, and I could feel his gaze upon me.

          “Daehyun…” he trailed, “why do you do this to yourself?”

          I tilted my head in confusion. “Do what?”

          “Why do you just keep hurting yourself?” he asked, his legs crossed, his head resting on his hand.

          I swallowed and looked away until I was sure the tears would not come. “I don’t do this on purpose.”

          He chuckled a bit, and I glared at him. “But Daehyun, you know that you could have someone who loves you, someone who wants you, someone who is good for you, whenever you want.”

          I bit my lip because I knew he would bring it up again. “Youngjae, I can’t. I’m no good for you, that’s why….we just can’t.”

          I knew that Youngjae had feelings for me, but I was such a wreck, he definitely did not deserve someone like me, he needed someone better. He knew all of this, but he stayed by my side regardless of everything.

          “You keep saying you’re bad for me, but how do you know?” he gently prodded, “we’ve never even tried it.”

          I sighed. The conversation was suddenly taking a toll on me. “Youngjae, I just can’t do this right now, okay?”

          He nodded and stood up, grabbing his coat. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”

          When he left, I sank into the seat and pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them. Youngjae was right, but I just knew that in the end he would probably end up hurt. In any relationship I have had, either I have ended up hurt, which was usually the case, or I would hurt the other person. And Youngjae was too nice of a man for me to hurt, he truly deserved the best, and I was not it. I curled up in bed that night, putting myself to sleep by reading some novel about a man living in solitude out in the woods, and it seemed like quite an appealing lifestyle at the moment.