It’s been almost five years since we all got together.

B.A.P separated five years ago, no one wanted it, no one needed it, but it had to happen. Because, they weren’t careful enough. And… they got caught. By paparazzi. That was the end of all of our careers. Of course, I was mad as hell. I had just lost my job; my life work; all my effort had been for nothing because two members of the band couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Why did I have to suffer for their stupidity? Why did I have to go through five whole years without seeing my family again – B.A.P were my family, and I couldn’t see them. Not a single one of them. But in my heart, I knew that those two would still be together somewhere safe, and it was hard to be mad at them. Although, I still had all that suppressed anger that I probably had to let out at one point, I couldn’t hold a grudge. I missed them way too much to do that. Way too much.

So that’s why I was here, standing outside a familiar door – one I haven’t seen in ages – my heart threatening to beat out of my chest.

I had received a letter two days ago. From anonymous. It simply said to meet at this place for a reunion. It said no names, but I already knew what they meant. But I had to wonder if anyone else was going to show up. I needed to see them. So badly. I was working at a small entertainment company helping trainees reach their own dreams; I tried my best; I wanted them to have the thing that slipped through my grasp. I needed to pass my abilities and experience onto other’s who could use it. It would at least make me feel a little better.

Sweat forming on my brow, I lifted my hand and raised it to the door swiftly, pounding on it softly.

I could hear footsteps scuttling to the door on the other side; I grew more nervous by the second, my heart pounding and my breathing hastening. The door knob turned, and I let my short brown hair fall over my older eyes, waiting. After the door was swung up, I stared into the man’s eyes. I couldn’t believe it. So, I was right about the reunion. But he had changed so much. The man in front of him didn’t look much like the old Guk he used to know, this was a tamer, calmer version of what he used to be like. This older version had glasses on the bridge of his nose, his hair was black again, and it was a little styled, but you could tell he didn’t really try. Guk was dressed in mere black jeans and a black t-shirt, and I could tell that he still had that defined body from five years ago. I just wondered, what was he thinking about as he checked me out, the five-year older me.

“Jun Hong. You came.” He whispered slowly, moving closer to me until our chests bumped. I had definitely grown up. I was no longer the fifteen year old boy that he knew. I had changed. My hair was different; I was still taller than him though; but my clothes style completely changed. I was now wearing tight skinny jeans with military boots, and a long white t-shirt. No matter how you looked at it; I was nowhere near close to the person I used to be.

“I did.” I whispered, staring into his eyes intently. Guk closed his eyes and slowly wrapped his big arms around my lean body, pulling me closer to him, and I felt as though five years of emotions were thrown into this one hug. When he let go, he gave me a sad smile and turned around, walking into the house, motioning me to follow him which I automatically did. I wonder who else was here.

As I got in, to what I assumed was the living room, I noticed one other head on the chair. My heart tensed up as I watched Guk sit beside him, and entangle their hands together. So, they were still together after all. I couldn’t help but feel the lost anger rise up in me again. I never got to talk to them after their relationship was made public. Not once was I able to offer my opinion, as soon as they were discovered, we were forced not to talk to them. So now, finally facing the two reckless people that ruined my career, I wanted to hurt them. But I couldn’t. I simply paced forward, and stood in front of the other who hadn’t seen me yet.

He didn’t look at me, he only stared at his own hand. Did he not have at least enough dignity to even greet me? It wasn’t like him.

“Himchan. Aren’t you even going to look at me?” I tried not to let my anger show through my voice. This was a peaceful reunion, and I hoped that it would stay that way. The man on the couch didn’t move a muscle – his black hair shading his eyes from my gaze. “Aren’t you twenty-seven now? Shouldn’t you at least look at me?” I couldn’t help it, I was getting angrier by every second that he wasn’t going to even try to look at me. My gaze switched to Guk who was looking at his partner sadly. I tusked and moved to a small chair, sitting on it with a sigh, continuing to gaze at the silent and unmoving man.

I watched as Guk leaned over into his partner’s ear and whispered something, Himchan nodding in return. Suddenly, the silent man looked up and gazed in my direction, gasping a little at my appearance. His lip started to quiver, as if he had no idea what to say to me. I didn’t blame him.

“It’s nice to see you guys again.” I mentioned, trying to boot start up a conversation at least. Himchan nodded slowly, and rubbed his hands together nervously.

“Zelo…” he started, but I had to cut him off.

“Call me Jun Hong.” I explained. No longer had I used that name since B.A.P split up, with that name came bad memories, and a hell of a lot of good ones, and everytime I thought about that, I would become emotional. I tried hard to break off that part of my life, I didn’t want to be weak – I needed to be strong. Both of them continued to stare at me, as if they were longing to say something, but none of them could muster up the courage to actually speak.

But before the awkward silence could linger any longer, there was another indication of someone at the door, and my body rose in absolute excitement. Of course, I was definitely looking forward to seeing everyone else, and I couldn’t wait to see what they looked like now, all grown up. Especially Jongup.

Yong Guk lifted himself from the couch, and headed in the direction of the door, leaving me and Himchan alone. I observed him as he was avoiding me altogether again. I let out another sigh and crossed my legs, just waiting for the other to come back now. It was useless trying to talk to my former bandmate.

There were sounds of a lot of footsteps, there was definitely more than two people there. That must mean…

I looked up and noticed another three people had joined them in the living room, not including Guk. Jumping up on the spot, I quickly dashed to the three I had been longing to see. All of them grinned as they saw me, and I wondered who to go to first. I looked over at Daehyun who looked just as happy as me. I threw my arms around him and pulled him closer, diving my head into his hair and inhaling the pretty scent. His arms around me felt great. I was so happy to be able to hug him again.

“I missed you…” I muttered into his ear as I squeezed him just that bit harder. I heard him chuckle and reply.

“You too maknae.” I shivered as I heard that old nickname. It brought amazing memories back, and I couldn’t help but just smile at it. Once I let him go, I grinned at him and looked over at Youngjae, who just looked the exact same, but more mature. His hair was blonde again; but less stylish than before, yet, it fitted him perfectly. Side stepping to him, I threw my arms around him carelessly, mimicking the action I did on Daehyun, mimicking the same words. Youngjae smiled and patted my back a few times before nodding in response. I let him go and smiled again, before I turned to the one I’ve been dying to see the most. Jongup.

His hair was brown, and styled absolutely perfectly. He had a black shirt on; and black jeans accompanying them plus boots. Jongup looked so mature, he would be twenty-two now; and I just wanted to hold him. As I moved in front of him, a smirk was placed on his lips; and I knew he felt the exact same. Pulling me closer to him, I shoved my head into his necks and wrapped my arms around his neck, inhaling his scent. I felt his hands linger on my waist, gripping tightly. This felt good again. Reluctantly letting him go, I realised that everyone needed time together, not just me. Moving away with a sad smile; I sat down on the previous chair again. The other three moved into the space; taking seats on the couch, staring solely at the two men on the other chair.

“Before we say anything, I think you two should talk first.” Daehyun spoke, pointing over to Guk and Himchan, who only nodded in return. Guk stood up suddenly, and walked over to the three boys who were sitting together. Unexpectantly, he fell to his knees on the floor, and placed his body weight on his hands, lowering his head and shutting his eyes tightly, before he spoke.

“You have no idea; how utterly sorry I am that we did this to you. I’ve never gotten over the absolute guilt that I’m faced with every day. I apologise sincerely for wrecking your dreams and friendships. I understand if you can never forgive me, but I just want you to know how I feel.” I could feel the utter surprise in everyone’s faces. What Yong Guk just did; it was completely unforeseen. To be honest, even I thought they would have been too proud to apologise, and they would have just left it till the last moment to say as we left. But this…

Daehyun, Youngjae and Jongup didn’t know how to react to this. So they just stared at their former leader who was on his knees formally apologising. Yet, I couldn’t help but glance over at the other man who was forgotten on the chair; his eyebrows were furrowed together as if he was deep in thought. I wondered what he was thinking about. As I looked back over at Guk, none of them had moved at all. Suddenly, I stood up and walked over to the kneeling man, quickly grabbing onto his collar to pull him straight up. Everyone’s eyes me surprisingly.

“Jun Hong…” Guk muttered as I was still gripping tight onto his t-shirt. I sighed and let him go, moving back over to my chair; running a hand through my soft hair, just trying to think. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me still, but I didn’t know what to do. I felt someone else’s hand grab my wrist and pull me up. Yelping a little, I looked to see who it was.

“Jongup…” I muttered, yelping a little again as he dragged me through the room in out into the hall. Once we got there, he let me go and leaned against the wall, staring intensely at me.

“Zelo…” he started, but again – as I did with Himchan – I cut him off.

“Call me Jun Hong please.” The other just nodded and continued with his statement.

“You’ve noticed too right?” he asked; motioning with his head to the other room. I looked at him in confusion. What was he talking about?

“Noticed what?” I replied hesitantly. The other sighed and stepped forward. He was close to be the exact same height as me now; I was glad that I didn’t have to look down at him, now I just had to stare straight across to gaze deeply into his brown eyes.

“Himchan.” Jongup stated simply, a frown appearing on his pink lips. I thought back on the man mentioned.

“He did seem a little distant. But that’s understandable right?”  I said, wondering what exactly the other was trying to say to me.

“Something just… doesn’t seem right to me.” Jongup explained, shrugging his shoulders as he walked back into where everyone else was situated, me following closely behind him. Guk had sat back beside Himchan, who hadn’t moved a muscle, while Daehyun and Youngjae were the same, but they were whispering to each other. Before I sat down, I walked over to Guk and Himchan, I had to say something to the both of them. I had to let my feelings out once and for all. I have to know myself that I was willing to forgive them, and hopefully after this day was over I’d have my five best friends back in my life, and I could be happy again. I hope.

I stood in front of them both and took a deep breath before I started my incredibly long speech. I was about to pour five years’ worth of hate, love and loneliness into this one conversation, and I had to try and keep my head calm.

“Yong Guk, Himchan… You have no idea; how much you two have hurt me. I know you still think I’m that fifteen year old from five years ago, but the truth is, I’m nowhere near the same person at all. I’ve matured, in the worst way, because I’m always alone. Because of you two, I had to leave all of my friends, and the career I had spent years on making…” I stared at the two. Himchan had his head down, and Guk was staring at me, his lips slightly parted. But I continued. “…but, I can’t help but really miss you guys as well. No matter how much; I hated yous back then…” I took a deep breath as I tried to keep in my emotional tears. Didn’t I tell you I got emotional on this subject? “…I just want you all back in my life.”

I finished my speech and looked down at my feet; feeling my cheeks red from embarrassment as small tears fell down my pale cheeks. There was a warm feeling around my body, as I felt someone else’s pressed up against me, holding me tight. I looked up and noticed that it was the leader. After that, I couldn’t help it. I just broke down right there and then. A soft sob escaped my lips and I no longer kept the tears in – I let them fall down my face as I lowered it and placed it in the older’s shoulder, crying softly. Guk’s arms squeezed tighter around me; and I couldn’t help but crack more. My hands lay beside my body, I didn’t have enough strength to do anything but cry. Yet, it was a good cry, because in my head, I was sure that I had just got my family back.

After a couple of more minutes of sobbing quietly, Guk stepped away and ruffled my hair a little, letting out a sigh.

“Can you all come with me for a moment?” He suddenly asked, looking at me then glancing over at the three boys on the couch. We all nodded. As I walked out of the room following them, I gazed back at Himchan who wasn’t moving. When we reached a separate room, I spoke first.

“Why isn’t Himchan here?” I wondered, looking back over at the door of the living room before turning back to the leader. I watched as Yong Guk took a deep breath and leaned against a counter before he started to speak.

“I don’t know if you guys noticed, but something is wrong with Channie.” My breath hitched, and I’m sure everyone else tensed up too. Daehyun stepped closer to the oldest one.

“What do you mean ‘wrong’?” he asked, gazing into Guk’s eyes intensely. The man sighed and began explaining again.

“He’s not… himself.” So much for an explanation. It just made me much more confused. I felt Jongup move closer to me, as if he was silently asking for comfort for a weird reason. Although, I remember Jongup saying something about Himchan before. What could it be?

“Will you just tell us already?” Youngjae finally snapped as he raised his voice a little; no longer having the patience to think about Guk’s confusing and encrypting words. You could see Guk tensing up a little, and then release another small sigh.

“About a year ago; Himchan he… he was driving back from his modelling agency – the job he got after B.A.P – and he was… on the phone, and he-he didn’t notice a large truck crossing at a turn…” he stopped to take a deep breath; closing his eyes for a moment before opening them and looking back at them. I couldn’t think properly, my arms and legs had fallen numb and my head was swirling. Surely; Guk wasn’t talking about Himchan being in a horrible accident. Surely; that person in the other room was the Himchan he came back to see. But the distraught look on Guk’s face told a different story than the one in my head… a completely different one. And I felt myself fall back a little, only to be caught by Jongup who quickly wrapped his arms around my waist from behind; diving his head into the back of my neck.

“Guk… what is wrong with him?” Daehyun asked, holding onto Youngjae’s hand for comfort, digging into to the younger’s hand tighter as the words left the older’s mouth next.

“When his car collided with the truck; his head was hurt pretty bad; when he was in the hospital… he was in a coma for three months. No one thought he would get out of it…” Before he could continue; I felt my blood boiling from that explanation. Tearing away Jongup’s hands from my waist, I ran forward and I gripped onto Guk’s collar, pulling his face close to mine in complete and utter anger.

“And when this was happening – You didn’t even call us?!” I screamed at him; and he just seemed to take it. My heart was threatening to beat out of my chest again, and I was overwhelmed by the urge to just smack him in the face. As I lifted my hand from his t-shirt and raised it above my shoulder; it was about to hit until I felt myself get pulled away and embraced in a tight breath-taking hug. I froze as my back was now to Guk and tucked into Jongup’s chest. At least it was calming me down a little. I gripped onto his t-shirt and nodded, letting him know that I was okay now; and I wasn’t going to let my anger take control of me again. He let me go and guided me back to our previous place; turning me around so he could hold me from behind. I kept quiet as Guk started to speak again, unfazed by the previous scene.

“…But when he did; he woke up; and… he didn’t remember me. He remembered nothing about himself at all… He had forgotten everything.” Guk’s voice was low; and it made the situation sound worse.

“You mean… he doesn’t know us at all?” Jongup muttered, his hands finding mine and tangling them together tightly. Guk just nodded.

“So… that’s why he wasn’t speaking…” I whispered. Now, I couldn’t help but feel horribly guilty for shouting at him like that; when he didn’t even know what was going on at all. Damn it.

“He’s lived with me for about 7 months now; the doctor said he’d probably never remember the past. As far as he knows, we’re only close friends; and you guys are strangers.”

I couldn’t keep in my soft sob again. It was just too much. Jongup started whispering comforting words in my ear; but it didn’t stop the tears rolling down my face at this story. Himchan was in dire need of us when he had his accident; and I was too worried about our feud. Even today, I had only shouted at him for not looking at me. I must’ve looked like an . If he was ever going to remember me before, he probably won’t now. Channie probably hates me.

“Shh… he doesn’t hate you.” Jongup whispered again, and I wondered if I had said the last though out loud. Everyone in the room was quiet and numb. Of course they’d be. I didn’t know how to react to this; they didn’t know how to react to this. Odds are that Guk didn’t even know. What was I supposed to say to Himchan now, when he doesn’t even remember me? But still, there was a pang of doubt in the back of my mind, and I had to check for myself. Rushing out of my friend’s arms and into the living room, I slowly sat beside Himchan who had his head down still, until he felt a presence beside him; that’s when he looked up at me with shocked eyes.

“Himchan, do you know who I am?” I asked slowly, hoping that the other would slowly break into a smirk, nudge me playfully in the arm and whisper ‘Of course I do idiot’. That’s what I hoped he’d do. But the blank expression in his eyes told me much differently, and by the next words, I knew Guk had been telling the truth, and I was out of luck.

“Guk told me your name was Zelo, but otherwise… no.” My heart fell numb, and I felt it was suddenly hard to breathe. Himchan looked blank, but also sad. A cold tear slid down my cheeks as I realised I had lost my best friend. I didn’t even get the chance to speak to him. But I couldn’t look away from his blank eyes. If only he’d remember who I was, things would be so much better. I could feel my heart slowing down, and my eyes filling to the brim with tears once again as all these thoughts ran through my mind. Standing up; I took one last hopeful glance at Himchan, just in case. But he looked down again.

I walked back to the other room where everyone else was situated and I stared at Guk with sad eyes. No one moved, because they knew exactly why I was crying. Because Guk was telling the truth. Himchan didn’t know us at all. This whole reunion wasn’t real if Channie couldn’t join in the fun. B.A.P could never exist anymore without the mother of our family.

Once I reached Jongup, I clutched onto his t-shirt, and I couldn’t help but fall to my knees on the floor, water pouring out of my eyes and sobs left my throat agonisingly. It hurt. Goddamit! It hurt! Jongup, I could tell, was crying too. He fell to the floor with me, cradling me again instead of trying to comfort himself. Jongup was trying to help me, not himself, because I was still the maknae in everyone’s heart. I was the one that needed the most comfort, because no matter what I thought, I was still the weakest in the group. And I needed them right now. As Jongup pulled me closer, I lay my head on his shoulder and let out an ear-piercing scream mixed with a cry. I began shaking terribly as flashes of the old Channie ran through my mind. The times we sang together and danced together. The times he would shout at Guk for not doing something properly, or the time he’d pester me to do the laundry quickly. Himchan always took care of me the most as well; although he’d never tell the other’s he was particularly biased. And it absolutely terrified me that I’d never get him back. So I screamed again, trying to release some of my anger and pain. But it didn’t work. I peeked over at Daehyun and Youngjae, both who were standing perfectly still, water droplets down both of their faces as they realised the exact same thing I did. Bang Yong Guk was silent as well; it was probably hard to see his bandmates likes this.

I couldn’t help but continue to cry because we’d never be able to be one again.

And I couldn’t help but think of the relationship that broke us all apart. Yong Guk and Himchan loved each other that much that they were able to put the band in jeopardy. Now that was all gone. And I couldn’t help but cry even louder at the pain my leader must be going through. I could feel my head getting wetter from Jongup’s tears. We shouldn’t be put through this.

Hours passed, and I had eventually fallen asleep in Jongup’s hold. I realised someone was softly placing kisses on my forehead, and it felt nice. I didn’t remember any pain from the previous hours, I wished I could just stay here now. But then everything flooded my mind again, and my eyes opened widely and I looked up, staring at Jongup’s tear ridden pink face as he looked down at me and shot me a sad smile.

“Hey sleepy head.” He whispered, my hair softly. I mumbled into his shoulder as I closed my eyes tightly. I could hear a soft sad chuckle come out of his mouth as he placed his hands on my waist and pull me up along with him, making the both of us stand. I looked around and noticed that we were alone in the kitchen now. I wondered where Daehyun and Youngjae had gone. “They are all in living room.” Jongup knows me way too well, especially after five years, but at least something’s still the same. “Let’s go.” Pulling me softly by the wrist, I had no choice but to follow him awkwardly into the living room where everyone else sat.

Once we entered, everyone’s eyes were suddenly on me, and I couldn’t help but get embarrassed. I looked around: Youngjae was on Daehyun’s lap, nestled into his neck, he looked like he had been crying too; Yong Guk was back in his previous seat, a firm expression on his face as he gazed at me; and Himchan was looking at me too with those same sad eyes as earlier. I stiffened a little as I shared the gaze, and I felt Jongup entangle his finger’s in mine, making me feel a little more comfortable. He dragged me to the spare seat and sat me down; about to walk over beside Youngjae and Daehyun, but I didn’t know if I could handle being alone. I grabbed onto his t-shirt and shot him pleading eyes, begging him to stay beside me. The older nodded softly and sat on the arm chair, placing an arm around my shoulders in order to let me lay on the side of his body. I stared back over at Himchan. I still couldn’t believe that it wasn’t the one I knew before.

Yong Guk sighed at me, and whispered something again into Himchan’s ear. I remembered when he had done that before, obviously he had been telling the other my name; that’s why he knew it. But I wondered what the leader was telling him now.

Himchan’s eyes suddenly zoomed up to me again, and I could tell that his eyes had started to water. Was he crying? And that set me off again. I was alone; and afraid – afraid that I would never get to play with Himchan the way I used to before; afraid that he’d never tell me off for any silly things I didn’t want to do; afraid that he’d never come over to my bed at night on thunder storms; and stay with me till I fell asleep. Now; none of those things seemed possible.

A small tear left Himchan’s left eyes as he continued to stare at me, and it only made me wonder more about what Guk had told him about me. Was it something bad? Embarrassing? I hope not. Suddenly, Himchan stood up, surprising mostly everyone in the room, except Bang. He looked as normal as ever. The man walked over to me, and grabbed my hand softly, pulling it to his own chest, his heart. I couldn’t breathe. What was he doing?

Himchan didn’t say a word as he closed his eyes, holding my hand tightly.

Did he remember?! Was this some kind of a miracle, and he came over to apologise that he had forgotten about me, and wanted to make some kind of truce? My heart was beating furiously, but I didn’t smile yet, I waited for Himchan to do something else, hopefully something that would make me jump up and hug him tightly, telling him off for absolutely everything. Suddenly, his eyes opened as he gazed into my own again. He knelt down in front of me, and pulled me closer, his lips near my ear as he slowly whispered so quietly, that only I could hear his words.

“Zelo, I am so sorry for making you cry…” My eyes closed and a small smile was placed on my lips as I waited for him to continue. My Channie was coming back to me. “I am sorry for everything I have done to you. Apparently you’re so dear to me, and I’m sorry I hurt you…” My head was spinning. He was coming back. “And I’m sorry for this also…” I opened my eyes. What was he talking about? He began whispering to me again. “I don’t remember you. And I probably never will. But trust me; I am deeply sorry. I have no idea who you are, but please bear with me in this, and become my friend again.”

My eyes were opened wide, and my hand went numb in his hold. So he didn’t remember after all. I knew it was too good to be true. It was too good to think that it was just an entire dream and that we could just go back to the good old days. But of course not. He doesn’t know who I am.

I think, I had cried all the tears I was allowed to, as none would come from my eyes although I was sure that I should be crying. Because my heart was aching, no matter what happens, I lost my mother-figure and best friend. But I nodded. I nodded because this could be a start to a new relationship between us. It could maybe even jog his memory, or maybe we’ll just have to start fresh. I mean, he shouldn’t be a completely different person right? I’ll just have to wait. But at least it’s a start.