I never will accept the death of Luhan. I won’t and I never will. I feel like I am the one who should be dead. A hollow and empty feeling churns in my stomach.

 

How great of a person he was. He wasn’t smart; his IQ wasn’t even a hundred. But I love him, and I’d rather die in his place. He was such a hardworking man. He simply puts his all into everything. I’m not kidding, that’s his way of living—his way of life.

 

Maybe this was meant to be in some way, maybe there was something fate is trying to tell me. This is not a coincidence, I don’t believe in that. It’s not a coincidence, that he’s such a hard working student, such a nice and obedient son, a caring and loving brother, a wonderful inspiration for his students, a comprehensive and romantic husband. It’s not a coincidence that he died because of karoshi.  

 

“What are you going to do now?” Kris asks me.

 

“I don’t know, brother!” I mumble, the reality of Luhan dead—gone, is striking at me again. I’m defenseless, my protection is gone, and I’m letting my heart out, soaking the darkness and getting beaten up day by day by the same reason over and over again. “Should I give up teaching? He was my real reason of going for that career…without him now…”

 

“…” Kris stayed quiet, he had his back against mine.

 

“You know what?” I cried. “When Luhan passed away in the lab, I was—” I pause, trying to get some air into my lungs. “I was editing a textbook! Some other supplementary things into the lecture!”

 

“You were angry, that you weren’t able to be with him when he died.” Kris spoke. I nodded and cried. There was no end to my tears—

 

But it’s not like I want them to stop anyways. I want to feel pain; I want to die in his place! I can’t stand this. Luhan is my everything. He wasn’t just any husband; he was practically a part of my life. I don’t know how my life can go on without him anymore. His smile, his face, and his warm and delicate hands…

 

“Hey sis, stop.” Kris shook me, shaking just so I would snap out of all those thoughts. “Wouldn’t Luhan want you to keep teaching? You know, you can follow his way of teaching and keep him alive.”

 

“It’s too hard.” I reply.

 

“Give it a try!” Kris raises both of his eyebrows, a smile stretching his lips wide. The sun beams down on us and half of his face shines brightly. How beautiful. When he doesn’t hear me reply, he snaps his fingers. “I know.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I’m going to change my name into Luhan.”

 

“You what?” I shout.

 

“You’re right. He’s not supposed to die, I’m supposed to die. I don’t know what I’ve been doing all my life. I wasted money, I did what I wanted, yet he was there, working so hard to live.” Kris says.

 

“I love him so much!” I whisper. “I’m going to miss his smell, his smile, and his arms.”

 

“Don’t give up teaching alright?”

 

“Okay…”

 

There’s nothing in this world that lasts forever, we all know that much. However, knowing something, understanding something, realizing something, they’re all different things. I might know that much, I might know that all I have, all that was given to me, can vanish in a second, but only when I lose something and my heart aches, only then will I realize the real meaning of those words. And I might forget it later, because that’s how a human being is. We hurt, we grow, we forget, we desire and we step forward. But things change and it’s all about how we accept them and we fight for them. I’ve seen people, everyone around me seems to be able to let go, to be able to accept things changing. I’ve never been able to do it, though. I’ve never been able to understand how someone can let go of something they desire, of something they want, of something they love. I’ve never been able to do it. Maybe that’s the reason why life has been shielding me from time when I had to let go, because anything, even the slightest things, I’ll always protest and fight back until I get to keep them. It’s selfishness, maybe, or, maybe as I grow up, I’ll be able to learn how to let go, because I’ve always heard that to love sometimes means to let go. Or maybe…maybe it’s just like this: whenever I fought back in order to be able to keep something I loved, that thing was meant to stay with me, and not to be allowed to go. And maybe, maybe when the time will come for me to let go of something out of love, and that thing will really have to go, I’ll peacefully let go with a smile.