Chapter 5

Selfishness

I woke up when the light was barely able to shine through the clouds. Looking around, the surroundings suddenly hit me. I had fallen asleep on the ferris wheel that night. All of which, as far as I could tell, seemed like nothing but a dream. Although psychologically I was convinced about that, my sight told me differently. He was laying peacefully next to me, his eyes slightly opened, adjusting to the sunlight.

"Good morning." i told him as we sat up against the ferris wheel walls.

"'Morning." His sleepy voice managed to croak. He cleared his throat and smiled at me and a sense of deja vu ran through me. I was surprised I was able to fall asleep on such an uncomfortable surface but I did. Maybe it was his presence that made the difference.

"We better get going before--"

"Before the fans arrive? Young Saeng-ah, it's 8 o'clock in the morning. No fan would be awake yet." I told him, rolling my eyes. 

"I was gonna say, before the call the cops." He replied.

"The park? If they were going to call, they would've done so hours ago--"

"Not the park." He said, he held up his cell phone. On it was a list of missed alerts, texts and calls. Looking closer, I realized all or most of them were from the same people for the same reason.

"Oppa?!" I exclaimed. All of them were either from Oppa or the rest of SS501. "You didn't tell him you found me?"

"No, I forgot. We better hurry though. The laws say 24 hours M.I.A. before we're allowed to report it. The company told him to wait until 48 hours but knowing Hyun Joong-hyung, he would just jump the gun."

"Then why the hell are we still here?" I asked him. As I turned towards the door, he grabbed my hand before I was even able to step out of the cart. "You're not mad at me are you?" His voice penetrated my heart and then I remembered why I had run away in the first place.

"We should go now." I mumbled almost incoherently. I let his hand slide out of mine and took off ahead of him. I tried to keep myself clam, my whole face a charade but I knew he could see through it everytime he looked at me.

When we got back, everybody was here, and by that, I did mean everybody. All fo SS501 was recruited in the living room (with Kyu Jong and Amy off in their little corner.) The managers (all three of them) paced back and forth with their fancy PDA's. The hairstylist was perched on the couch with Jung Min in front of her as she picked and pulled at his hair.

Name was just...Nami. And I didn't know who normal Name was but I was sure as hell thankful when she killed the awkward silence upon seeing me walk in.

"Noona's back!" She cheered. That was weird because I'd never actually seen her say a word in my life, nonetheless cheer. But it seemed to work well as everybody turned to stare at me and Young Saeng where we'd been standing for a while. Suddenly, it was as if someone hit the play button on a paused movie.

They all sprung at me, even the managers and hairstylist, each of them launching questions at me. "Where were you?" "Why didn't you pick up your phone?" "Did you know how worried we were?" "You have rehearsal in an hour." It made me wonder why no one was questioning Young Saeng.

"We need to talk." Hyun Joong-oppa declared, past all the interrogations. He made his way to me, ignoring the band members and elders and pulled me into one of the bedrooms.

"Did you know how worried I was?!" He scolded as we sat next to each other. "Lee Min Hee, you owe me and explanation."

"Mianeh, oppa." I mumbled. Truthfully, I hadn't thought about anybody else at all, only Young Saeng.

“Was it because of what happened last night? Didn’t I tell you that we’d sort it out the next morning?” He asked. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “Why the hell are you so stubborn?”

I sighed and made myself comfortable on the bed, prepared for a nice long lecture. 3…2…1…and he blew off on me.

“Lee Min Hee! I swear, you had no idea how worried I was! Do you have any idea what could’ve happened to you out there if Young Saeng hadn’t found you in time?...” Blah, blah, blah. Eventually, it all drowned out and I launched myself into my own thoughts.

The first thing that popped up in my mind was, ‘I wonder what his fans would think if they saw him blow up like this.’ I had heard once that my dear cousin had a 4D personality. I wasn’t so sure what the hell that meant until now. One second he’s calm and the next second, he’s a demon, a nightmare. I couldn’t help but be proud of myself for making him react this way though.

“I think you better talk to Maknae.” My cousin said. That was when I decided to pay attention to him again.

“You know he hadn’t eaten for a good 30 hours and had been running around in circles trying to locate you almost as much as me.” He paused and then continued. “You’re still young. You don’t know what’s right for you and what’s not so I’m not gonna make you choose one over the other until you’re ready. But just for now, go talk to Hyung Joon. He’s been waiting for you to get home.” With that, he left the room.

I could hear the others asking about my condition and asking for an explanation but he simply told them that I needed some rest. I sat on the bed as I flowed in and out of reality.

Maybe oppa was right. Maybe the reason that I hadn’t been able to face Joon was not because I was afraid he would get hurt but the fact that I was scared to let him go. It was then that I realized how selfish I was, choosing someone that could potentially shatter my heart but at the same time, holding onto the one that would’ve been there for me no matter what. Yet I couldn’t give my entire heart to him.

I didn’t know why I even began dating Hyung Joon in the first place though I wouldn’t consider it ‘dating’ necessarily. We never had a real date per se but it was more like we skipped that all together. It was from that moment that I decided I needed to get to know Joon better and cherish him more because he was important to me.

“Hyung Jooniee!~” I called to him after I had made sure my face was flawlessly arranged into a faux smile. I didn’t need to hold it for too long because his arms immediately found its way around my waist as his warmth made me naturally relaxed.

“You don’t have to tell me why but…did I do something wrong to make you run away? If I did, I’m sorry.” He apologized, holding me securely against his body. The concern in his voice automatically set a sense of guilt in me.

“Mianeh Joon, I didn’t mean to stay out that long. I just…had to get some stuff out of my mind.” I told him as I held his body in my arms. Hyun Joong-oppa was right. I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to let anyone else have him and that made me the most selfish in the world but I couldn’t help it.

“I love you.” He told me before he placed his lips onto mine.

“Me too.” I mumbled before caressing his lips again. For a brief second, I saw Young Saeng make eye contact with me in my perpetual vision. He seemed to glare at me or was it…more of a warning before he turned around and disappeared from the Ooo’s and Aah’s of the rest of the managers and members and our friends.

---

September 17, 2010

It’s not easy hiding from someone so close to you. But all I could think of now was Hyung Joon’s warmth and Young Saeng’s jealousy. I’d like to believe it wasn’t so complicated but it was all because I couldn’t make up my mind. Selfishness.