Why?

Silent, it’s what I wish I wasn’t; I wish I could tell her how I feel. Tell her that every time she runs up to me with her cheeks tainted pink, every time she laughs at the foolishness running out of my mouth when I’m with her. That moment when I’m with her and my expression becomes that of an idoit. Tell her right then, right there, how much I adore her. How precious she is to me; how every time I close my eyes, I can see her. Tell her that even if I’m far away I know exactly what a beautiful, kind hearted person she is. I don’t want her to shatter, she’s too delicate and as a caution I’ll remain by her side. That’s what I told myself. But I know now, I need her as much as she needs me; she’s the light to my darkness in this world. I know she’s mine, I know she cares for me. I don’t need to speak out those words. She’ll understand - she always does, we’ll be together forever…

∞

I stare at her, unable to think straight. “I’m getting married tomorrow.” The words rang through my ears again, not leaving as if it was pleased by torturing me in her sweet, soft voice. I stare and stare at her, waiting for her to laugh and say she’s joking. She doesn’t. I feel myself bottle up everything I’d keep inside just like before I met her.  I walk out, my brain blank. Ignoring the fact she doesn’t call after me, doesn’t chase after me as I walk out. She doesn’t run down the stairs to catch up with me. She doesn’t shout my name out from the window. Yet why am I running? She couldn’t have meant that. It was just a small argument, we would go back to laughing and being the close friends we were. She wouldn’t replace me with him. They were just friends, she told me that. I believed that. Now I don’t know what a lie is and what’s not, I close my eyes trying to think straight, instead I see her. I see her clouded brown eyes that looked at me as if I was far away, she loved me. Not him, me. I was sure of that. So sure that it hurt. I feel my throat swell up in my throat. Why?

My phone rang, my hands shake in the coldness of this dark night, I stare at the screen blinded by the light. I stare as if It would make everything go away. I picked up eventually, saying nothing. I thought at least hearing her voice would comfort all this pain I feel in my chest. I felt a strong, spiked metal wire surrounding my heart with her first word. “Hello…” she asked. I stay silent hearing my own strong breathing; I should have forgotten to bring my phone… She starts begging me to say something, I don’t. What could I say…? She knew how I felt. Why do I have to say it, even if I wanted to, I feel my throat clog up. I was suffocating,. Yet on the outside I didn’t move, I focused on breathing – I focused on hearing her words. She pleads with me as if I were a toddler – telling me to come back and talk to her, I say nothing. She stopped speaking.

I feel like someone is slowly slicing up every skin cell I have, with a sharp object that’s covered in perfume, helping add an extra sting as if the pain wasn’t already excruciating enough. Forget her? “How can I forget you?” I answer back in my head. Should I even put in an effort and try to forget? I’m slowly dying inside as she talks, will it go back to the way it was? Carefree times, her childishness giving me one I never had. Her smile forcing away every bad feeling I had. “I love you” she says quietly, interrupting my thoughts. The world stops as she waits for a response. If only time could stop right now, I don’t want her to say anything else, If only we could erase- “But your too scared to love me, it’s been too long…” The words I wanted to say back are frozen at my tongue as she spoke her second sentence. My throat which finally unclogged itself filled back up with a burning of nothingness. I grip at the top of my shirt with my free left hand. Tears that have never been shed in a long time manage scratch its way out and cloud the surface of my eyes. Word’s which I don’t want to believe are spoken in my ear as I stay as still as a predator which awaits the time to pounce on it prey. But no one realises that I have become that prey; I feel her pulling at my heart strings with her words, as if to test if they would break. They do, I felt as if my heart was stretching with every breath. As is it just kept expanding…

I found myself in front of her door again, when did I start walking? Maybe I’m already dead. The door blocking our two worlds opened to reveal her small figure with a tear stricken face. “I love you” I blurted out barley noticeably, she stared at me blankly. Don’t pull such a still expression I thought, my heart aches as I feel anxiety fill me up. “I’ll always draw a smile on your face, just stay by my side.” I voiced out in my head. She quietly walked towards me and embraced me and whispered “You don’t, you just don’t want to lose me”. I felt my eyes widen at her response, I yearn for her. I believed in eternity, I can’t forget her – she made my life up. Every second that passed, a memory passes through my mind as if I were reading an old diary; as if it were all so far away.

I thought about what I should have done, forced her to believe me, placed her hand on my chest. Make her feel what she does to me, tell her no matter who else knocks on my heart’s door – she’s the only one I would let in. She’s the only one I’ve ever let in. Instead I left; I left after her simple words which claimed that she didn’t think I’d care for her. I never thought I’d leave her yet I found myself running away- lungs burning - from the torture and torment. Her future will be one without me, I wonder if we somehow met by chance; would she walk straight past me or give me a smile and continue on walking with her family? I run all the way to my house then continued into it, slamming the doors behind me as if it were a barrier that saved me from everything that just happened. Everything wrong with the world right now. I walk into the kitchen and grab a knife, the sharpest knife I know. Thoughts racing in my head, I slide down the counters, crying hysterically. Eemotionally drained and simply staring through a blurry vision at what’s in my hands…

In my mind i thought that my heart started beating faster as passion ran through it. However in reality, my brain was telling my heart to be afraid and asking it to run away for it life, yet it somehow kept beating still in the same place. I hear my heartbeat become louder and louder as I thought about the source which created this passion inside me – how it is gone – forever given to someone else. My light in this world of darkness leaves me blind and vulnerable. “I live only for you.” Why would she think them empty words, She won’t ever believe the truth as it was always hidden - fabricated with overblown lies. I pick my head up from what I held in my hands and my eyes met a picture on the counter. I stare at the picture which glanced back at me mockingly, how ironic: to show me her face as the last I’ll see – but I’m grateful… My vision gets blurry again, suddenly I’m scared, her face is slowly distorting while pain seeps out of me in a flow of scarlet tears. My wound overflowing as the pain struggles to leave me all at once; I remember how stupid I was being. I close my eyes and see her face, her beautiful smile with her cheeks raised as high as ever, my fear sluggishly leaving me. No matter how far I am, I will always know what a beautiful, kind hearted person she is. I felt myself get colder, I love her. This way She’ll understand - she always does… “I live only for you”.