1.

I’m the maknae of f(x), but most people think Sulli is.

                My image isn’t so ‘maknae’, it’s more to y and mature rather than cute and childish. I look strong and responsible in other people’s eyes. I don’t hate myself for having that kind of image, actually I don’t hate that fact at all. I kind of enjoy that feeling of being so ‘un-maknae’.

                However, it’s bothering me now. I look strong in the outside, strong enough to stand by myself when actually I can’t. In fact, I’m a fragile and vulnerable girl. No one knows how painful it was to cry by myself when everyone has fallen asleep last night. No one knows how hurtful it is to hide my tears behind my strong facade every time. I look fine, because no one knows.

                On the other hand, Sulli has the opposite fate than mine. Everyone cares for her, because she’s the youngest one. We were in a reality show one day, the one that allow us to tell stories and get a trophy if it is the best of all other stories. She was crying as she told a story about her family, how she missed them so much. Everyone soothed her, told her that everything will be alright and they could understand her feelings. I smiled bitterly as I reached her hands to do the same as others.

I want to share the maknae title of mine with her or even just let her have it all without me. Because she’s my best of friend and I love her more than other people do.

2.

On stage, she’s just Choi Jinri while I need to be Jung Krystal.

                Someone ever said that idol which has the same image as her/his true self will last longer than who doesn’t. I realize that I won’t last that long because I’m being classified as who doesn’t have it. At first I ignored it, thinking that it’s not a big problem. I continued my life and built my career just by doing that.

                Nevertheless, I was wrong as it became a big rock for me in the end. On stage, I’m not being myself. I feel like watching other girl sing and dance when I watch my performances on stage. I need to wear something that I’m not uncomfortable with everywhere as I’m being observed every single second. To make it worse, I feel like I started to be more like Jung Krystal that everyone imagine rather than being Jung Soojung that I know for more than thirteen years.

                Sulli? She’s just Choi Jinri everywhere. Being the cheerful and friendly girl she is. Her perfect eye smile is sincere; she doesn’t need to fake it. When she’s happy, she just needs to smile. When she’s not, she just needs to pout then everyone won’t bother her or think that she’s rude. In front of the cameras, she ever played with her nails as being bored with the show itself. But, no one ever said she was rude or impolite. Because she’s just being the Choi Jinri, her true self.

I’m not mad at her for being herself, neither at my company for making me become someone else. Because I know it’s the best for both of us and our group.

3.

I’m an outcast sometimes, while Sulli has a lot of friends.

                We were born at the same year, the 1994 liner. It makes us somehow connected with each other alongside the other 1994 line members. We have the same line, however she tend to hang out with them more than I do. I’m close to them, but not as close as Sulli. I don’t mind at all, after all they’re all my dear friends.

                I don’t like crowded places, I feel like being intimidate in that kind of places. I don’t like talking too much; it’s hard for me to express my own feelings through chained words. It’s a way harder for others to approach me, parallel with my little ice princess’s title. I only have few they-so-called-best friends as it’s difficult for me trust others. Those are like shields that protect me from breaking down.

                Meanwhile, Sulli is just too adorable for anyone to resist. She’s approachable due to her friendly nurture. She often hang out with Jiyoung from KARA, they’re best friend and fans are going crazy about that. She sometimes uploads their cute moments from their hang out sessions to show the strong bonding between them. Jiyoung is just an example, a lot of people enjoy being next to Sulli. She’s a good friend, she’s the best of friend you won’t ever imagine to have. Trust me; I have proved that for the time I have known her.

I love being quiet and I like Sulli for her genial self. Life isn’t fair and I truly understand that, because no one knows our life will turn out to be the way it is now.

4.

Sulli doesn’t need to be overshadowed, while I have to.

                No one wants to be overshadowed; no one likes to be compared. By my own sibling, my only older sister that I love the most. I love Jessica eonni, I’m grateful to have her as my sister. I understand since the first time I took one step into this career that all these things will happen to me sooner or later.

                Jessica eonni is just great, her group is the best for her generation. I adore her as a hoobae, and I lover her as a dongsaeng. I can sing, as a matter of fact I’m the lead vocalist in f(x). Jessica eonni can sing too, practically better than me. She has a great technique and experiences alongside the unique colour of voice. I proved to a lot of people through my fluid dancing that I’m a better dancer than her, through my ability in sport that I can do sport more than her, through my ice skating winning that I can do skate while she can’t. However, her fame is something that I can’t beat event with all the tenacity I have. After all, I’m still Jessica’s little sister and I irrevocably accept that.

                Sulli is just Sulli, nothing tag along in her nickname. She’s just being simply Sulli, there’s no other name behind that cute name. She created that name since our debut, before that she was known as child actress named Choi Jinri. She can show how much she loves her oppas without being taken as a hot topic in the internet. Just a simple affection won’t lead her and her brothers to create some ruckus in the online portal site.

It’s not my fault or Jessica eonni’s fault. It’s neither Sulli’s fault. She was born in her family and I was born in mine. There’s nothing wrong about that.

5.

Sulli is the real visual of f(x), not me.

                The visual of a group is someone that becomes the face of the group. They’re someone that stand in the middle during a photo session or performance. They’re someone that has a beautiful and pleasant face. Sulli is the one in charged of the visual. Some people thought it was me because I’m the most famous (after Amber). It’s her and always her.

                Fans might like me because of my well-built body and my charming look. Those aren’t enough to become a visual of the group. Yoona eonni is the visual of Girls’ Generation. She’s blessed with a beautiful face, nice figure, and talent in dancing and acting. Siwon oppa is the face of Super Junior. He has a handsome face, muscular and charming body, good skill in acting. Those two are absolutely the best in that position. They have so many CF and drama proposal because of their great visual. I’m just not enough for the expectation of the company.

                Sulli has done some dramas and movies when she was a child, she will be starring in an upcoming drama too. Her skill in acting is just amazing. She’s beautiful with a fair white skin, and cute yet tall figure. Her look is just astonishing. The company choose her with so many good reasons and she’s worth it. She has a good behaviour too, the one without criticized.

We have the same talents and skills. I can act, I’m beautiful, and I also have a nice figure. However, sometimes those aren’t enough. She’s the closest person to the visual itself.

6.

Sulli has the love of my life, I just can admire him from a far.

....

I only envy Sulli for this matter, just this matter. I want him so badly, because I love him so badly yet painfully.

//

                I couldn’t continue writing; I was in the verge of crying. I held my tears and calmed myself that I will be fine as long as I can hold these tears. I crossed the last point and crumbled the paper in my right hand. I threw it to the dustbin and let out a sigh of relief. I pulled up my white hoodie to cover up my face.

                I was in the practice room; I arrived here to hours early than the other members. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to express my pain toward a piece of paper that full of my written grudge. But, it’s the only way I can be happy without hurting myself or my best friend. He’s his boyfriend and I can’t steal my best friend’s boyfriend. They’re in love; I can’t separate them just because of my one-sided love story. I’m not one of those crazy and selfish es in my high school who steal their friend’s boyfriend. I’m just a plain kind girl.

                Choi Minho,

                I didn’t know what he had done to my heart, but little did I know my heart had been shattered into pieces without me noticing it. For four years, I tried to trap this love in my heart without confessing it to anybody. For more than a year, I received the pain of letting him go to the embrace of my own best friend. For six years, I engulfed the hurting of one sided love.

                He was my best oppa, he still is. However after his confession to Sulli a year ago, I felt the need to make some invisible wall between us. He didn’t like it at first, but some day I explained this to him that I don’t want to be a clingy dongsaeng anymore and I want to be a better Soojung for his own goods. He completely understood my almost perfect lie.

                “Krystal!!” I turned my head toward the entry door to find a hyper-looking Sulli with black t-shirt and red skirt coming toward me to bear-hug me.

                I returned the hug, smelling her strawberry-like perfume that I bought as a gift on her last birthday. I sensed someone is standing next to the entry door, to be none other than Minho oppa. He smiled from ear to ear with a visible blush on his cheeks. I felt something happened between them today, not bad but a good thing. I let go off the hug and looked Sulli directly in the eyes.

                “Minho oppa just kissed me, Junggie.” Sulli whispered in my right ears, sent shiver down to my spine. To be more specific, sent a thousands arrows to my heart.

                I smiled to Sulli. I dragged my feet toward the door where Minho oppa is standing. I heard the loud noise come from the cage of my heart; I knew my heart shatter again. The glue that I applied a few days ago was no use anymore. I’m still hurt; my heart still broke into pieces. I stood in front of Minho oppa, eyed him from head to toes.

                “What are you doing to my innocent best friend, Frog?!” I said while sending him a menacing glare with a fist ready to crack his bones.

                He ran away from me to save his life while shouting Sulli’s name to save her from my death punch. Sulli laughed so hard and waved her hands in the air to show me some support to get revenge for Minho. I smiled, not the truly sincere smile but at least I smile for both of them.

//

I love him so much, but maybe I love my best friend a little bit more.  I had my first love crushed, but I’m fine with it as long as I have a best friend like her. She has everything I want the most in my life, however she’s the only one I have that can understand me so deep inside my heart.

-Jung Soojung-