Jonghyun hated goodbyes.

He didn’t even attend his high school graduation, because it was easier to pretend that everything isn’t ending and everyone isn’t going away to college. Don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he wanted to stay in high school, he just didn’t know how to say goodbye.

Jonghyun can’t sing anymore.

Even if he wanted to, every time he opens his mouth he gets dizzy and suddenly feels hot and cold at the same time, cold sweat start forming on his palms and he feels like throwing up, singing makes him sick. Jonghyun sits on the bathroom floor, looking at the white tiles and wondering when did singing become so hard, when did singing felt wrong, just when did he give up.

Jonghyun remembers fighting with his father about going to art school, he remembers his mother smiling but hiding a disappointment behind it, he remembers his dad throwing his guitar out the window and breaking it, he remembers how hard he fought for music, how hard he scribbled those notes, tunes that were roaming endlessly in his head. Sometimes he’d wake up from a very beautiful dream, then scribble a whole song in one night.

Now, now notes were running away from him, tunes were hung in his throat and the pencil never felt right in his hand anymore, not when he wanted to write music, his notebook all new and not torn, unlike the others he had, and it sits there on the desk, with a bunch of pencils in case someday, he’d feel okay again.

Jonghyun paid for his college semester in advance, Jonghyun remembers that his mother has finally agreed to his dream, that it’s alright, and it feels like he’d disappoint her again if he said he’d want to quit before starting. And even if he wanted to give up on music, he cannot imagine himself doing something else, but strumming on his guitar and singing

But he can’t sing anymore, he can’t play anymore.

--

Jonghyun arrives to his empty room, he puts his guitar down, he puts the notebook and the pencils on the desk, he knows he’s going to live with someone else, but it seems like his roommate will be arriving late, after all, he left too early, way too early, for he couldn’t take his mother crying again because he’s going away, like she did when he traveled abroad on 9^th grade, so he woke up very early and left. He felt cruel leaving like that, with no note, with nothing, he just left, Jonghyun sat on the lower bunk, he thought about what he’s going to be doing here, he thought of his soon to be roommate, he hopes he’s the kind that just keeps to himself, because he doesn’t want to make new friends, cause new friends mean more goodbyes, or more efforts put into avoiding them.

Jonghyun felt so uneasy at that thought, and he felt as if the walls are closing in on him, so he gets up quickly and heads out, where? Anywhere, anywhere but in this crammed room, where thoughts of music and worries are trapped inside. When Jonghyun stops, he notices he’s just outside the building, so he sits down on an edge and looks up at the sky, the sun shined so strong and Jonghyun hates it, it shines too brightly today, and today was not bright, today was just another day

“Great weather huh?” Jonghyun finally notices that someone is beside him

He looks at whoever was there in surprise, almost expecting him to disappear to nowhere just like how he appeared. Jonghyun hums in agreement and averts his gaze to the sky again.

“uh” the guy next to him speaks again “I actually wanted to ask, where can I find this address” the guy tried to handle Jonghyun a piece of paper, Jonghyun wanted to tell the guy that he isn’t from here, that he might just be as much lost as he is, but he takes it anyway, Jonghyun stares at the paper for a while before it sinks in, it’s his address

“oh” Jonghyun says as if everything makes sense now, he wants to tell him that:

“HI! I’m Jonghyun and I’ll be your roommate, lemme show you where our room is”

Jonghyun thinks that’s how he used to be before he lost his music, he tries to imagine saying it, but he can’t anymore, he can’t even remember or realize that he used to be someone else, someone so completely different. “i-it’s alright if you don’t know, I’ll ask someone else” the guy laughs and Jonghyun feels a bit of music stir in his head, he shakes the feeling away.

“I always get lost, so im used to this, so yeah, uh, don’t worry, I mean, if you are worrying at all” the guy stumbles over his own words and stands all at once to leave. “Wait” Jonghyun unused voice cracks, the boy turns around nervously. “I do know” he speaks again but lost in how he should introduce himself, the guy approaches, and Jonghyun feels anxious , the guy keeps staring at him.

“I’m Jonghyun, I’ll be your roommate” he finally lets out, and a simple line like that seems right, the guy keeps staring though, Jonghyun feels more uneasy. “Uh, I’m sorry, what?’ the guy finally says but Jonghyun doesn’t understand too. “It’s my address too… so I guess, you’re Jinki?” the guy seems taken aback by Jonghyun knowing his name, then he breathes a sigh of relief and laughs almost awkwardly. “So I’m not lost” Jinki says still smiling, Jonghyun curves his mouth into a smile that felt too weird by now

“No, you’re in the right place” Jonghyun says and smiles more comfortably now, because he feels his music again.

_________

Well, I never really planned for anything more than this.

and I have no idea what else to say honestly, just tell me what you think.