I guess that if someone asked me about Heechul now a days, I wouldn’t be able to give them a real answer. 
Heechul made my life Hell and I did the same to him. The most wonderful and most painful Hell of all.

I remember the first time I met him.
He was the one to fully accept me from the start. I remember how he first looked at me from top the bottom before staring into my eyes. And smiling. His pretty, mindblowing smile. He had shaken my hand and introduced himself as “Kim Heechul, Milky White Skin Princess”. He was the oddest person I had ever met.

I remember how he stood up against the head of SM to fight for me.
I was too scared to do it myself, as I’d probably be asked to leave. Or kicked out, that would have been the right choice of words.
He once stormed into the main office, me standing hidden on the outside, and I could hear his screams.
“Hangeng is a ing human, you filthy bastards”
I remember hugging him when he walked out.

I remember when he pulled my mask off.
To me, it was absolutely horrifying, I was so afraid of getting judged I felt the extreme need to put it back on. Heechul wouldn’t let me, he held me close and told me it was okay. I trusted him, not once before had he done anything to hurt me, and not this time either.

I remember the first time I saw him cry.
Heechul was never one to cry. I cried all the time. Heechul never cried.
We had been forced to practice for another three hours, I guess it was some kind of punishment for Heechul standing up for me when the company had tricked me off yet another two days off.
When we got back to the dorm he and I shared he was unusually quiet and walked to his room without saying good night. I had shrugged it off at first, thinking he was tired, but as I walked past his room to get to the toilet I heard his soft sobs, and I walked in and held him close. We didn’t say a thing and I spent the night holding him close, sleeping in his bed.

I remember the first time he kissed me.
We had been best friends for… A year. We were by each other’s sides no matter what. He helped me stand up for myself when the criticism came falling down on my shoulders. I still think Heechul believes I don’t know about that kiss, as we had been drinking and I was seconds away from falling asleep when I felt his soft lips on mine for only a few seconds. After he pulled away he snuggled up next to me and whispered out a “Good night, Hangeng”, and I pretended to be asleep.

I remember how things changed between us.
For the better and the worse. At the moment it was all for the better, because we didn’t know what would happen next. We created our own little relationship, and no one knew about the difference in our personal lifes because we had always been close. Only we knew that we were now absolutely a part of the other one.

I remember the first time I told Heechul I loved him.
It was after we had finished the shooting for It’s You, Heechul was still weak from his accident and I constantly looked after him, making sure he was alright. His leg hurt from dancing, so I was carrying him to the dressingroom so we could change. I helped him get out of his pants, usually he would do so himself but he couldn’t move properly from the pain.
“Why do you always help me out, Hangeng? It's just pain. I can deal.”
“Because I love you”
I hadn’t meant to say it so bluntly, I wanted to say it at a special time. But knowing Heechul and his strange ways, he’d find it special no matter what.
“I love you too”

I remember having to tell him about my choice to leave.
It was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. The look on his face still appears in my mind from time to time, and I break down.
He was happy when I got home, and his mood didn’t change even when I asked him to sit down with me. It did change when I told him, though.
“I’m leaving Super Junior”
He went from cheerful to ice-cold in a second.
“Why would you do that?”
“I can’t stand being treated like this. I’m so sorry, Heechul I am, but I can’t live like this.”
“Fine.”
He tried to have a cold look in his eyes. The tears gave him away, and his expression became filled with hurt and sadness.
“You son of a ” He hissed as he walked out of the dorm, knocking down everything in his way.

I remember him helping me pack my bags.
He wasn’t okay with me leaving, but he had now understood my reasons. The night I had told him I was leaving he had left for the whole night and the next day, returning late in the evening with a distant look on his face. He had whispered out an “I’m sorry” against my chest as I held him close. “I love you Hangeng”, and with his words I felt my heart twist.
When we packed my bags he acted as if I’d only be away for a few days, despite the fact that all of my belongings got stuffed down. When we were done we spent the night in his bed.

I remember our last kiss.
We hid behind a wall at the airport, and I felt our tears in our kiss. It was a soft kiss and Heechul had to push me off to make me board the plane. “You have to go and be happy” had been his final words to me, together with the final “I love you”, which I gave back to him.

I remember the first time Ryeowook contacted me.
All of Super Junior had been bummed by me leaving, but Ryeowook sent me a mail describing the situation a week after I had left.
“Hi Hankyungie-hyung. Are you okay? We’re getting along over here, but we miss you. And… Heechul-hyung misses you a lot, I think. He hasn’t left your dorm since you left. Sungmin and I bring him food every day, but he barely touches it. I promise that we’ll take care of him now that you’re gone.”
I cried the whole night.

I remember seeing the fancam of Heechul crying at the first concert without me.
I want to convince myself that it wasn’t because of me, but I know it was because it was our song. My heart turned in my chest as I saw his gorgeous face covered in tears, and I couldn’t help myself. I called him, right in the middle of the night. I got his voice-mail.
“Heechul, I know I shouldn’t contact you, but oh my God, love, I miss you.”
He didn’t call back.

I remember every other damn time Ryeowook contacted me.
Always things about their lifes and lives, comebacks and work. He stopped writing about Heechul after a while. I think Heechul told him to.

I remember the phonecall I got years after I’d left, on the 31^st of August 2011.
“I’m going to the army.”
“I saw it on the internet.”
“I’m so sorry Hangeng.”
"I am too."
"I'm sorry I didn't call you back."
"I didn't expect you too."
"I do love you. I really do. Please wait at the gates when I get out."
He hung up after he’d said that, but I heard the sob breaking from his lips before the line went dead.
For the hundredth time I cried myself to sleep because of Kim Heechul.