I’m dying and I can’t live without you, I’m dying and I can’t live without you again (Dying – Five for Fighting)

The sounds of cocktail glasses cling to each other and also the laughter filled my ears. I turned when I heard the sound of a familiar laughter loudly could be heard from the north. I smiled a little when I saw Bomi and Dongwoo oppa doing a love shot with a glass of champagne. I don’t know how many glasses that they took, but from the red that everyone could see from Bomi’s face, I’m sure it’s a lot.

“Five!”

Ah, it’s nearly started, huh?

“Four!”

“Three!”

I stood up from the couch and walked to your backyard—where everyone stood there with a big smile and happy atmosphere surrounding them.

“Two!”

 “One!”

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” that loud scream and also the sound of New Year’s trumpet fills my ears. In here. In your house. In New Year’s Party that you always held every year after you moved with her.

BOOM!

I looked at the sky which fills with the beautiful colors (and of course purple dominating it) and also the sound of dizzying when the fireworks were shoot to the sky. I used to love the fireworks.

Nah, but not anymore.

No, not because I’m not a kid anymore—there’s nothing wrong with adults liking the fireworks. It’s just because it reminds me so much of you. Of us.

It reminds me a lot with the beautiful yet painful memory when on our three monthversary we watched fireworks together. Without even bothering to faking our identity to the public. I still could remember it very clearly that it feels like just yesterday. I remember when the fireworks coloring the dark skies, my mouth always made an O shape and sometimes I gasped in fascination. I still remember how your arms wrapped around my waist—warming me from the chilly December. And I still remember it when I whispered to your ear “Happy New Year,” you replied with “Happy New Year to you too, babe.” And then you captured my lips with yours in a breathtaking kisses. I still remember it clearly when you showering my face with butterfly kisses that always make my legs feel like jelly. And in every peck you always were whispering sweet words to me.

I sighed when I looked around. I saw Woohyun oppa gave Chorong unnie a passionate New Year’s Kiss. Sungyeol oppa gave Yookyung a peck on her cheek as she blushed lightly and then he pinched his baby daughter chubby cheeks then kissed her forehead lovingly.

Minji—Myungsoo oppa and Naeun’s little daughter ran from the swing and hopped into Myungsoo oppa embrace, the father lift the girl up and she screamed “Happy New Year, Appa! Umma!” with a dolphin-screamed voice.  She could see the happy couple laughed at the pony-tailed girl cuteness and also Myungsoo oppa who rub Naeun’s big belly. They were expecting their second child in three months.

I should be happy right? To see my friends happiness?

Am I a cruel person because there’s no smile on my face?

I don’t think so. I think its fine for me for not smiling. Because there’s no more happiness left for me. I don’t even need this stupid party.

For what I celebrating New Year? I don’t need it. Because it means that I just counted that there’s another year passed by after you left me.

.#.

I sat on the wooden chair on your backyard and sip my drink again as I sighed heavily for the nth times of this night. Feels like torturing me but I can’t help but think what happened in this place after five years you’ve gone from my world.

Maybe for some people, that things maybe sounds so simple and not important.

But I know you wouldn’t. You always remember every little thing that others usually forgot. And maybe it felt so special for you.

Maybe in here, in this brown chair, both of you sat down for the first time after your honeymoon at Jeju-do. Or maybe she waste her times waiting for you back from the dance academy or the company while listening to classical music—they said it good for the babies, right?—at the first semester of her pregnancy. Or maybe your son sat on this chair because he felt tired after playing around in this backyard with his ball or tried to catching your dogs with his tiny feet with a huge smile plastered on his face.

All of that might happen, right?

Even though I already tired for thinking about it, I can’t even stop for regretting, how I can be so stupid for being selfish with you. I already know it from the beginning. That there’s no future for us. I was the first one to know it—or maybe realize it?

I know, that your parents never think of me more than a daughter that they never had. A noona figure for Hojun. Maybe that’s why they adopt me of all people that they know. The Busan girl, with the heavy accent, the happy virus to the family. Or maybe your mother just pitying me? Because I lost my mom, dad and also my brother Minki in that tragic accident that gave me these scars and made me an orphan in a blink of seconds?

Nah, I don’t want to think that way. Your parents are really kind to me and they give me love that I felt like lost it when I lost my family. No bad mouthing to my adoptive family, okay?

But then, even though I know it. I decided to ignore it and following my feelings instead my brains. I know that I was being selfish. Because I thought I was enough for you and we can survive until the end.

But now? Ha, we’re torn apart and you left with her.

Do you remember when you told me that you really dislike those tall girls because they made you feels so small even you’re still taller than them? Damn you, liar bastard. You know it right that I really hate it when someone’s lying to me? But why you did it too?

But what hurts me the most was because you liked her. You liked her enough to have a baby with her. It seemed you hadn’t even hesitated to make love to her even though for many years you had only made love to me. I didn’t honestly think you were capable of loving another woman like that, but obviously I was wrong.

I’m not mad of you, don’t worry. I can’t create life, because that accident tore my womb and made me lying in coma for nearly a month long made me couldn't get pregnant… That is why I knew I eventually had to let you go. I had to let you experience fatherhood, because even if you hadn’t admitted it to my face I knew you desperately wanted it. I couldn’t bear seeing you so sad. I loved you too much to have to see you silently suffer. And you loved me too; I know you did. But somehow it just wasn’t enough. You needed more, and I was never angry at you for it.

…Okay, maybe just a little bit.

I knew it wasn’t anything personal… All your life you had dreamed of being a father; imagined what names you would choose for your own children; thought about how you’d bring them up… But instead I came into your life. We were happy together for a long time, but in the end I was just a detour, a distraction. I know that now. Actually, I had always known it. I had always known deep down what I was walking into when I first pressed my lips against yours; the countless fantasies swirling around within my heart containing the foolish belief that maybe I’d be enough for you.

When was the last time I had seen you? A few months ago perhaps, with your son. Showing him off to the old management company staff, your face proudly beaming as you held the most precious thing in your life within your arms.

Once upon a time I had been the most precious person in your life. It had been me in your arms, feeling the comforting warmth seeping out from your chest against my own. I had been replaced by a tiny child. Or had I been replaced by her? I had never properly figured it out, mostly because it hurts me too much to even try to analyze it all.

.#.

Everyone tells me I’m crazy, they tell me to forget you; you know that can’t be (To You – Teen Top)

“Hey,”

I looked up and flashed a small smile to the hamster-looking guy and replied him with, “hey.”

“Stupid girl,” he said. I frowned and glared at him but he just chuckled and put off his white tux and covering my bare shoulder with his tux, “why didn’t you wear any coat? It’s so cold.”

I smiled, “I’m fine,” I said but he gave me i-don’t-believe-you look, “really, oppa.” I said again. Tried to reassuring him. But then he just sighed loudly and slammed himself on the chair beside me and grabbed my hand tightly.

“You’re a terrible liar, Jung Eunji.” He said while giggled—made his eyes more disappear.

“I know,” I answered.

I looked straight at his eyes and finally a small cracked from my face as tears slowly rolled down from my eyes. He gasped and pulled me into his warm embrace while whispering something that sounds like ‘It’s okay’ while he kept on caressing my hands while occasionally wiping my endless tears that myself unable to stop. But instead my sobbing became louder and he had run his fingers in my short hair again.

“It’s too hard, oppa,” I said between my endless sobs.

“I know, Eunji,” he whispered softly into my ears as I closed my eyes, hoping that Sunggyu’s fingers would be warmer and also rougher.

Stupid.

Why did you still hope that someone who fit that requirement would care about you? I laughed sarcastically and leaned my back to his broad chest (and tried to ignore the hope for the chest to be more muscular) and grabbed his long fingers in mine (and scold myself once again for wishing that the fingers would fit mine more) before closing my eyes.

“Come on, let’s go home,” he said softly. I opened my eyes and shook my head.

“No, I’m fine—”

“You are not.” He said with piercing gaze that makes me gulped, “don’t be stubborn, Eunji. Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Once again I shook my head, “oppa, we barely see each other after our group disbanded and I don’t know when we could gather together like this anymore. As a leader, of course you shouldn’t leave your boys,” I tried to explain and he sighed.

“But—”

“I’m fine,” I cut him while tried to give him my signature happy virus smile, “don’t worry about me, Sunggyu oppa.”

He gave me a smile and pulled me into his embrace once again, “stubborn kid,” he muttered.

“Thank you, old man,” I replied back. Then both of us just kept our mouth shut—let the silence consuming us.

“You know, you should forget about him,” he finally broke the comfortable silence. Ah, here we go again.

“Don’t.” I said sternly after broke from his embrace and looked straight into his eyes, “please, don’t start—”

“But, Eunji—”

“Can we stop talking about this?” I tried to cut him once again. And I could see him sighed in defeat, “we’ve talk about this all the time, Sunggyu oppa. And you know the answer. It’s still the same.” I stood up and about to leave when he grabbed my wrist.

“You only hurt yourself, and you know it,” he said while stared at me.

My world seems to be crushed when he said that word but fortunately I’ve managed to give him a fake smile and replied, “I know,” before releasing his grip and walked away from him.

From the man that loves me. Until now.

.

Part I—Jung Eunji.

End.

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Sooooooo sorry for the very very late update~ I’ve been very busy these week~

What do you think about the first chapter? Do you think I spoiled too much? LOL

a/n: Kris is a god OMG. He’s just too hot O.O

blame his perfectness for ruining my bias list. Nah, Hoya still the one for me though :3