A wait had never been so agonising, so painful.

He sat, hands twisting in his lap, or being near his face as he nibbled at his fingernails, dark eyes anxious as he carefully studied the face of the man in front of him.

The man he's been in love with since he'd first set eyes on him.

His heart thudded in his chest, each beat loud as it rushed against his eardrums, mouth dry as he tried to stay focused on the other's face, to read the expression hidden under a blank face.

"Kai…" the voice, that voice that was like music to his ears and made him react in ways he wasn't fully admit out loud,  instantly grabbed the boy's attention as he properly shifted his focus away from the hands holding the piece of paper, crumpled and slightly dirty, back to his face. He tried to study his expression, to see any vestige of emotion but it was still kept carefully blank.

Kyungsoo had always been good at hiding his emotions.

Kai hadn't.

"Kai, I can't accept," those three words, spoken so softly sounded like a death toll in his ears, repeating over and over until it wasn't Kyungsoo's voice that spoke them anymore. "I'm sorry."

The other turned to move away, hands shaking as they still gripped the letter, the letter that Kai had poured his heart and soul into, exposed a side of him so vulnerable, a side he so needed to protect.

It felt like he'd been stabbed in the gut.

"No, wait…" his voice came out desperate, pleading as he found himself stood, fingers clasping tightly to Kyungsoo's sleeve. The other halted, glancing down at the fingers, knuckles slowly going white from how tight they were clasping the fabric of his jacket. A soft sigh, barely audible ghosted from his lips as Kyungsoo turned his face to Kai.

"Jongin…" the use of his real name jolted him for a second and he almost let go. Almost. He felt himself shaking, the burning of tears pressing against the back of his eyes that he fought to keep contained.

"Please, just…" he hated himself for how small his voice sounded, how shaky it was as he tried to force the words to form past the lump in his throat. "Just give me a chance."

Kyungsoo sighed, a weary sigh that caused Kai's stomach to drop.

"I can't-"

"Can't, or won't?" he could have kicked himself for how pathetic he sounded, how needy but he was finding it hard to care.

Kyungsoo was rejecting him, and that was all he could focus on right now.

"Jongin… I don't," Kyungsoo paused, biting his lip as he racked his brain for the right words, words that would no doubt continue to stab into Kai like knives, "I don't feel about you that way."

"But you can." He said desperately, hoping he could try and change his mind, at least make him consider as internally his mind was screaming no no no no no please no.

"No," Kyungsoo shook his head, rubbing at his temple with his free hand "I can't Jongin. I want a family, I want kids, I can't have that with you."

Kai felt himself freeze. He'd never given much consideration to his future; he didn't care as long as Kyungsoo was in it. Kyungsoo's face was the one he wanted to wake up to every morning, and his lips were the ones that he wanted to kiss softly before he fell asleep every night. He had never considered that maybe Kyungsoo wanted that.

Kyungsoo didn't want Kai; he wanted a house, a car, a steady-paying job, 2.5 kids…

And a wife.

Kai could have provided all of those things, the security, the sense of family; there were options for people - gay couples - to have children; adoption, surrogacy, but how could he mention those without sounding desperate? Why does the fact that he is male stop either of them from enjoying those things?

They didn't; at least, to Kai they didn't.

But to Kyungsoo they did.

"Kyungsoo, please…" he said softly, tugging at his sleeve, feeling the tears in his eyes threatening to fall, to spill over, "please, just give me a chance…"

"No, Kai." Kai flinched at those words, cold and hard and so unlike Kyungsoo's usual soft demeanour. His heart leapt in his throat as he saw that letter crumple in Kyungsoo's fist, and his tears finally did spill over, leaving tracks down his face as he struggled to speak, to find words he could say, no matter how desperate they may sound.

"Goodbye, Kai." He spoke stiffly, gently tugging his arm free of Kai's unresisting fingers as he stood frozen, too shocked to speak or even move.

"And I'm sorry," he barely heard the apology, spoken so softly as Kyungsoo his heel and walked away. Kai didn't try to stop him, feeling his legs shake and give way as he slowly crumpled to the ground.

He'd rejected him. He'd exposed the secret he'd kept in his heart for years, too scared to expose it. It's had been fragile, like a butterfly just freed from its cocoon or a delicate sculpture of glass.

And Kyungsoo had crushed it, shattered it into a million pieces and leaving a hole raw and ragged but still numb as the pain had yet to register.

He lost track of how long he's sat there, hand clenched to his chest as slowly the numbness wore away. Tears steadily fell from his eyes, sliding down his face to drip from his chin to the collar of his shirt. Time was meaningless now.

He didn't even react as the slow rumble of thunder boomed overhead, how the air tasted of electricity and ozone as rain started to fall. Slow drips at first and then turning into a heavy downpour, quickly soaking Kai's clothes and chilling him to the bone. Drops dripping from his hair, his nose, mixing in with the salt of his tears as the continued to silently fall.

Yet still he did not move.

What was the point in living if the one who he loved didn't love him back?

Why should he when the one he loved stabbed through his heart, ripped him into a million pieces and left as if it was nothing?

He'd said goodbye; with a finality that offered no debate. Years of friendship had been ruined because he couldn't keep his feelings to himself; he must find him repulsive. Disgusting. He felt repulsive, and needy and pathetic and maybe it would just be better if he stopped living.

Who was there left to care?

He was too numb to notice how the rain had suddenly ceased to fall on him, to register the voice that spoke softly.

What he did register was the hand, small and warm, which pressed against his cheek, slowly pulling his chin up so Kai's face was upturned, gazing into the face he thought he would never see again.

"K-Kyungsoo…" he breathed, voice cracked and shuddering as the numbness in him started to fade. The chill hit him like a slap and he found himself shaking, shaking and unable to stop.

"Come on," Kyungsoo's voice was soft as one arm gently wrapped around Kai's torso, helping him to his feet as the other struggled to keep the umbrella over the two of them. "We need to get you inside before you catch pneumonia, if you haven't already."

Hope, a tiny flicker of it shone deep in his chest. He wasn't going to try and delude himself into thinking that Kyungsoo was having second thoughts; he didn't think he could take heartbreak again.

But he'd come back.

He could hold on to that one thought.

It would be enough.