Final
Dear Journal,
This story will use quite a number of fonts so I hope this will clarify things out:
Normal story.
Junhyung's thoughts.
Journal.
Junhyung was walking down the hallways of Cube High by himself. Everyone had already gone home, but Junhyung stayed behind because he has tutoring after school.
Junhyung had been living in Seoul for four months, but he was still the new guy. He was still getting used to his new school and everyone was still extra nice to him. Everyone wanted to help him, the popular kids wanted to hang out with him. Junhyung didn't want to hang with the jocks and cheerleaders because he knew they wouldn't accept him when the found out he wasn't straight. He knew because he had heard them use certain negative words for gay. When he had said something about it they had just stared at him. He only talked to them because he had no one else to talk to. He wanted friends who accepted him for who he was. He had plenty of friends like that in Busan. He was an active member of the LGBT (Lesbian-Gay-Biual-Tranual) club at his old school, but he seemed to be the only out gay kid in Cube High.
He had moved to Seoul because his father had gotten a great job offer. Junhyung was not happy about it. He was supposed to spend his senior year with his friends.
He was about to go home when he spotted a notebook on the floor. It was a black and white striped notebook. He walked over to it and picked it up. He looked for a name on it, but couldn't find one.
"Go home, kid, I'm about to lock the doors." The janitor said. Junhyung decided to take the notebook home and bring it to lost and found on Monday. He put it in his backpack and went to his car.
While doing his homework, Junhyung couldn't stop thinking about the notebook. There is something about it. Something familiar, but I can't remember where I have seen it before.
He pushed his desk chair back and grabbed his backpack. One little look can't hurt. It is probably just homework. Maybe I'll find out to whom it belongs and I can return it to the owner.
Junhyung flipped open the cover and frowned. The first page was blank.
The second, however, said:
Dear journal,
Okay, not just some homework. Junhyung knew he shouldn't continue reading, because this was somebody's journal. But he couldn't put it away. I'll just read until I find out who's it is and then I'll return it.
I'm back in hell. Summer went by far too quickly, so here I am, sitting in the front row, alone, again.
Jieun told me she keeps a journal. It helps her handling her emotions. So that's why I'm basically talking to myself in this journal. Wait, I'm talking to myself. Why am I explaining my thoughts to myself? It's not like anyone is going to read this.
I feel bad. This person obviously doesn't want anyone to read this. But this person thinks school is hell. Why? I like school. I like goofing around with my peers and I'm quite clever, so my classes aren't a pain in the either. I don't know what will change when I'll come out, but it isn't like this person is experiencing that. I want to find out more about this person, maybe I can help.
Hello journal,
It's lunch time. I'm sitting here surrounded by my friends. Their names are: Mr. Pen and Mr. Notebook.
This lunch is disgusting. I don't even know what I'm eating.
Junhyung laughed. That is so true. The food in the cafeteria is horrible! The lunch lady might as well be serving dirt, no one would notice the difference. But this person was sitting alone. Who was sitting alone at lunch? I don't know. The cafeteria is packed all the time.
Good evening journal,
Oh, interesting. Person is probably at their bedroom.
I survived the first day at school. The only thing that got me through the day is the thought that this is my senior year.
Senior! Person is a senior! I probably know Person, because I have talked to a lot of seniors. I have at least heard of all of them.
Again, I don't have to write that down, because I am the only one reading this. But I started this whole thing to get my emotions and thoughts out without crying.
So, what happened today?
I got shoved into two lockers and I got yelled at by one person, a group of cheerleaders, Girls Generation, laughed at me and, that was about it. It's better than last year, but this was only the first day. Urg, I already know I'm no good at this journal stuff.
Junhyung's jaw dropped. Person is bullied. Person gets shoved, yelled at and laughed at. And last year had been worse. I can't remember seeing anyone being picked on. If I had, I would definitely have stood up for Person. No one deserves to be bullied. Now I have to find out who it is. I will defiantly help him/her.
Hello Journal,
Put your hands together for the second day! No one? Right, no one is reading this. I don't even think I am going to read this. It's too depressing. Maybe I can make a depressing movie out of this thing when I finally got out of this stupid town. Yes future me, when. Not if. Because you are going to get out and you are going to make it. Great, I'm writing down my mental morning pep-talk. That's just pathetic. I'm pathetic. Bye bye pep-talk. Sigh, I should really be paying attention to class right now.
Junhyung's face fell. Person obviously doesn't think very positive about themselve.
Bonjour journal,
Why am I in this school again? I don't like to brag about myself, but I'm smarter than these Neanderthals. I'm better than them. I'm going to do something with my life. Something more than working at the gas station like them.
Yes Person! You matter, don't get down on yourself!
Good morning journal,
It's a horrible morning, actually. I stayed up late last night to work on my book. It's really getting somewhere, thank you very much.
Anyway, I'm tired. I don't like literature for my first period when I'm this tired. Nothing can cheer me up right
HELLO! Oh my god! The cutest guy on earth just walked in!
Okay, Person said guy. So Person is a girl.
Calm down. He would never be interested in you and you know why!
Why?
This is not happening. A million inappropriate thoughts just flashed trough my head.
Oh?
I can't think this way about this guy. I can defiantly not write stuff like that about this guy.
Wait a second. No one will ever read this. I can write whatever I want.
Okay, he is sitting at the other side of the classroom in the second row. He must be new in town, because I have never seen him before. And believe me, I would have remembered him.
He has the most sparkling brown eyes ever and I would give anything to stare in them for five seconds. He has got the cutest mop of smooth, dark hair. And he is wearing a white v-neck shirt.
What? Oh god, that sounds awfully familiar. She couldn't possibly be talking about me?
Let's look at the facts:
He's new in town
He's a senior
He's got smooth, dark hair and brown eyes
He was wearing a white v-neck t-shirt
Yup, definitely me.
Does that mean he is a nerd like me? If so, can he be any more perfect for me?
Another clue. She's a nerd.
You know what would make him perfect for you, but that certainly isn't the case.
What? Does she know? Am I that transparent? Can some girl just look at me and know I'm gay? At least she's not disgusted. Maybe I should talk to her sometime after I've found out her name.
Oh, he is talking to a jock. Of course, he is popular. Why did I expect anything different? Soon he will be trying out for the football team, I know that because that shirt hugs his arms and chest nicely, and I would never ever ever ever stay a chance with him. He would date some brainless cheerleader and he would toss me in the dumpster.
Wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. I am not popular, I am not going to try out for the football team, I would never ever ever date a cheerleader (unless there are male cheerleaders in this school. And he should have a brain) and I would never toss someone in the dumpster.
Wait, did she just say she checked me out? Did a girl seriously check me out?
My life is fan-freaking-tastic.
But I can dream, right? I'd be fine with just dreaming all day about him. But I should at least try to find out his name. And his interests and where he lives and his blood group. Anything, really. Or should I say everything?
I should stop. I should really, really stop. This is way too personal. But it's kind of flattering. The idea of some girl being interested in me is... flattering. I like that I made someone's day.
Hi Journal,
Junhyung. The most beautiful name ever. His name is Yong Junhyung.
That would be me.
I know his last name because I saw it on his maths book. He sat next to me at maths!
Next to whom have I been sitting at maths? I've been sitting next to countless girls.
NEXT TO ME! Of course he sat next to me because that was the only seat left, but he still sat there. He could just have sat on the floor, or jumped out of the window, but no, he sat right next to me. Sigh.
She thinks someone would rather jump out of the window thansit next to her?. Why would she think like that? Who made her believe she's not worth a damn.
We didn't really talk, though. Well, he said hi and I sort of managed to get a greeting out too.
She's smitten. I feel bad for not being able to return her feelings. But she knows about that, apparently.
He smells really good, and he has cute handwriting.
God, I feel like a creep. I probably AM a creep, but who cares. It's not like anyone will ever know.
Well, lovely me, I have a ceiling to stare at and a boy to think about.
God, I feel bad. I'm not supposed to read this. This is supposed to be private, but how could I ever return her journal if I don't know who she is. There's only one way to find out.
Hey,
He lives in my street! I saw him enter the really big house on the corner of the street. I drive past that house every day. Sigh, he lives just down the street. I could just go over there and
No.
She lives here. Everyone in school lives in this street! How am I ever going to find out who she is?
Hello Journal,
Today was absolute torture again. They seemed to have found a new way of humiliating me.
Oh, that .
They're throwing stuff at me. They throw mainly paper, but at lunch they threw their corn at me.
Who? Who does that? Why would someone do that?
The worst thing is: I don't know if something is stuck in my hair or on my back. If I leave it I look stupid. And if I try to check for stuff in my hair, they see it's bothering me. That just encourages them to keep going.
I want to find the people who do this and punch them in their faces. They don't know what they're doing. They don't know how much things like this can affect others.
Also, they write things on the paper they throw at me. I stopped reading it after making that mistake twice. I don't even want to repeat the words.
Asses. They're just asses. Don't listen to them, Person. I don't know who you are, but I'm on your side.
I also noticed Junhyung looks differently at me than anyone else in this school. He doesn't seem to be disgusted by me, he seems to consider me as a normal human being.
Of course I'm not disgusted by you. Why would I be? I'm not disgusted by anyone, except for the jerks who do those horrible things to you.
Maybe he's different. Maybe he doesn't care what everybody thinks about me. Maybe he's nice.
I'm different, Person. I'm so very different.
I'm pathetic. I only know his name and where he lives. I know nothing about him.
I have to keep the line between fantasy and reality clear.
Arghhhhhhhhhhh! We had a conversation today!
So I've talked to her. I've talked to every senior.
An actual conversation with words and conversation topics and stuff! I can't even remember what I've said, but I've said things. Words. I hope I haven't made a fool out of myself! Who am I kidding? Of course I have! I don't even care about the bullying anymore!
I'm so happy she's got something to look out to, but I can't return this girl's feelings. She's a girl. I want to be her friend. I want to make her see her own wit, but I can't live up to this crush.
He talked to me! I'm so happy right now!
I'm trying to remember what we talked about. I think we've talked about school. Yes, defiantly school. And homework.
That was extremely unhelpful. School is always my conversation starter when I talk to peers.
My brain is racing to much to remember anything else.
Dear Journal,
I just finished picking old bread out of my t-shirt.
What? Why?
I got tossed in the dumpster again.
What? What does she mean 'again'? Does this happen more often? That's awful!
I'm used to the name calling and the locker shoving again, but the dumpster? It's absolutely humiliating. They think of me as trash and they treat me like it too.
Junhyung teared up at the last bit. I can't imagine what Person has done that makes people treat her like that. She doesn't deserve this.
Yo Journal,
Okay that was really lame,
It wasn't. It made me laugh.
but I don't care, because Junhyung decided to sit next to me again. Yes you're reading this right! DECIDED! There were plenty of empty seats. He sat down because he wanted to! And he wasn't forced into it!
Again, Person, I sit next to a lot of girls. Can you please just give me your name?
Wait. Maybe he was. Maybe those popular kids are trying to trap me.
What? No!
I am such an idiot. Why did I think he would actually want to sit next to me?
Why wouldn't I?
Why would he be any different from the rest of this town?
I am different. You know I am.
I hate to admit it, but this journal thing actually worked. This has been a place where I could just be myself. A place without judgement. Every time I got sad I wrote everything out. I haven't cried myself to sleep since I started, but I'm about to.
No, I'm not trapping you! I swear! I'm not like that. I have to tell her I'm not like that.
Hey Journal,
My life is back to normal again. Back to being ignored. Junhyung tried to talk to me again, but I told him to go away.
How can I not notice when someone doesn't want to talk to me? That hardly ever happens, people generally like me.
I don't want to get my hopes up and have him crush them. I refuse to let anyone close to me and break me. I've always gone through school by myself and I will continue to do so. I will not let Junhyung mess with my head.
I'm not trying to mess with you. I can't believe I made someone feel like that. I made someone feel ignored and betrayed.
I don't care how cute he looks and how big of a nerd he is, I won't let him get to me.
Hi Journal,
Junhyung isn't really hanging with the jocks anymore.
Of course I'm not. I hate how hypocrite and ignorant they are.
He still talks to them, but he doesn't seem very interested.
Because I'm not.
I can feel him watching me all the time.
Watching her? I'm not watching any girl. Maybe some girl who regularly sits next to... She might think my stares are for her.
I know he is just trying to break me. They probably told him I'm disgusting. He probably believed them. He has probably agreed to their plan right away because he is disgusted by me and wanted to show me my place in the social food chain. Well, I already know it. Rock bottom.
Why does she think like this? It makes me sick to think people made her believe this crap.
The next page had been wet. Dried raindrops all over the paper.
Hello Journal,
I don't know if I can take this any longer. I'll have to. I am not going to take my own life, but it would be so much easier.
WHAT? NO! No, no, no! Don't do that! Please don't! Junhyung was crying too right now. Then he realised the drops were Person's tears. She has been crying when she wrote this.
I can't, though.
Yes! You can't! Thank god you know you can't!
It would be selfish. I have to stick with my family. I have to stick with Jieun.
There's that name again. Who's Jieun? A friend?
This is what's going to happen: I will keep my head high. I will reminded myself that I've got loving parents and a loving sister at home. I will reminded myself I will find someone. I will find my Prince Charming.
You will.
I will graduate at the top of my class. Then I'll leave. I'll leave and never look back.
I'll audition for tv-shows, musicals, anything!
I will publish my book, make my movie. I will do anything to make my dreams come true.
She can sing, act and write? Impressive.
I'll find a city that can offer me the opportunities I deserve.
You will. You'll get out of here.
I will find friends who don't care I'm gay.
What? Gay? Person is gay? That means- that means Person is a guy. Is that why he's bullied?
I'll find somebody to love. I'll find him. I will find the guy who is not afraid to say 'I love you, Yoseob.'
Yoseob! Everything becomes clear! That's where I've seen this notebook before, he has been writing in it in class!
He doesn't know I'm gay. He doesn't know I'm not straight!
He lives in my street! I've stared at the house plenty of times, wondering what it would be like to walked through the front door with him and be introduced to his parents as his boyfriend.
I have talked to him one time, but when I tried again he told me he was busy. I haven't had the courage ever since.
He feels my eyes on him all the time because I think he is the most beautiful human being who has ever walked the face of the earth.
I can't believe I haven't noticed him being picked on! I've been looking at him all the time! I must have been focusing on how perfect he is.
He liked me. He liked me and I didn't have a clue. Junhyung read the last few lines.
I know that life is waiting for me, but it would be so much easier to get through this life if I would have someone to talk to. Someone like me.
I'm not asking for a boyfriend. I'm just asking for someone who will understand me.
Someone like me.
He jumped up and ran down the stairs.
"Junhyung, can you set the table for dinner?" His mother called from the kitchen.
"No!" He answered and ran out, the notebook under his arm. He ran down the street to Yoseob's house. He took a deep breath to calm himself and rang the doorbell. After what felt like a century for Junhyung, Yoseob opened the door. Junhyung's arms flew around the pale boy's neck and the notebook fell on the ground. "You're not alone. You're not. I'm here and I'm not trapping you. You matter." Junhyung whispered against Yoseob's shoulder.
Yoseob couldn't believe what was happening. A shaky "What?" was all he could manage to get out.
Junhyung was still holding on to Yoseob, who was standing awkwardly and not returning the hug, when his mother stepped in to the hallway. She gasped when she saw her son being hugged by another boy. "Yang Yoseob, do you have to tell me something?" She spoke.
Junhyung broke the hug and Yoseob turned around to reply to his mother. "I think Junhyung has to tell me something first." His mother nodded and left.
Yoseob stepped outside of his house and closed the door behind him. Junhyung picked up the notebook and held it out to Yoseob. "I found your journal."
Yoseob took the notebook from Junhyung and eyed the thing in horror. "Oh my god. You didn't read it, right?" He whispered to the book. He didn't dare to look at the other boy.
"I did."
Yoseob let his head fall back against the door and sat down on the doorstep. He buried his face in his knees and tried not to cry. "That's so embarrassing. I'm sorry." He choked out.
"Please don't be." Junhyung sat down beside him and put a hand on Yoseob's back. "I just wanted to tell you I'm not one of the popular people. I'm not here to yell at you or break you or trap you." He took a breath. "I'm here to tell you I'm just like you."
"What?" Yoseob looked up at Junhyung, tears streaming down his face.
"I'm gay." Junhyung said and laid his hand on his chest.
"What?" Yoseob asked again.
"I said-"
"I've heard you," Yoseob held up his hand to make Junhyung stop talking. Then he slowly lowered it. "I've just never met an openly gay person."
Junhyung didn't really know what to say. "Well, here I am." He opened his arms and smiled at Yoseob. He received a smile in return. Just then he realised he had never seen Yoseob smile, because he would have remembered it if he had. He made a mental note to make Yoseob smile as much as humanly possible.
Yoseob looked at the notebook in his hands again and his smile fell. "I'm so sorry about what I wrote in this thing. No one was supposed to read it."
"I'm sorry I read it." Junhyung said. "But for the record, if I had a journal, it would be full of that kind of stuff about you." He poked his finger in Yoseob's forearm.
"Haha." Yoseob said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.
"I'm serious. " He paused. "You're really cute." Junhyung complimented him. He also made a mental note to compliment Yoseob more often, because he loved the blush on him. Junhyung swallowed thickly and took Yoseob's hand in his.
They both looked at their hands and looked up to find each other smiling.
Slowly, very slowly, Junhyung leaned in to kiss Yoseob. He had plenty of time to pull away, but he didn't. When their lips connected, Yoseob knew it.
He had found his Prince Charming.
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Whoop! I'm done! Please comment on how it was! (:
I love you guys heh heh heh.
xoxo, fitriahz
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