I keep telling myself it’s nothing, just brotherly love. Whenever he smiles at me, hugs me, or even holds my hand, it doesn’t mean anything. He only sees me as a close friend, that’s all. But why does it feel like something more for me? Why do I long for him to smile at me, to touch me, to embrace me? I even dream of him, of something more.

            I can’t tell him about it because it would make things awkward between us. I don’t want to mess up our friendship. What would all of the other guys think if they knew about my feelings? We live together and I can’t be the cause of creating an awkward atmosphere. I just hope no one notices.

             We’ve been practicing for hours now and I can’t seem to concentrate. Why must I be coupled with him? When I found out we were doing duets in the group, I became excited. I really wanted to do something special for the fans. When I found out I was grouped with him, I realized this would become a source of torture, but also completely perfect to have alone time with him. Right now it’s torture.

            Our routine isn’t exactly a choreographed dance and he keeps adlibbing in parts of fanservice. He smiles at me suggestively, even winking sometimes. I try to keep a distance but he keeps pulling me towards him, putting his arm around my shoulder or simply touching me. I think I may just go crazy if he keeps this up.

            With his arm still draped around my shoulders, Junhyung smiled at me and said, “I think the fans will love it.”

            “Yeah,” I replied, only able to nod my head in agreement. This close contact was causing my thoughts to become fuzzy. It was already hard for me to breathe.

            He ruffled my hair and left my side to get some water. I turned away from him trying to catch my breath. Why must he do this to me? He used to be completely moody and annoying. His complaints about everything used to bother me, but he has recently become less bothersome, cute even.

            “Hey Yoseob! What are you spacing out about?” he asked throwing a towel at me.

            “Huh!” I said surprised. “Oh, nothing.” I couldn’t exactly say I’m thinking about you, and how much you have changed.

            I hadn’t noticed him move closer to me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and massaged a few times. “You look tired. I think we should quit for today and get some rest. What do you say?”

            “Umm…sure,” I agreed stepping away.

            “Let’s head back to the dorm. I’m starving,” he said unfazed by my sudden movement. I was shocked yet again by his touch. My heart was racing even more because I hadn’t expected it.

            We gathered our things and made our way to the van. I remained silent, unable to speak during the ride. At one point, Junhyung reached over and pulled my head to rest on his shoulder. “Get some rest,” he told me while running his fingers through my hair. It sent shivers down my spine. I imagined being able to do this to him, but I never had the nerve.

            He rested his head on mine, sighing into my hair. “Is there anything you would like for dinner?” he asked.

            “Whatever’s fine.” At this moment food was the last thing on my mind. I could only think of how close I was to Junhyung. I could only think of how I had dreamed of moments like this, him holding me in this way. I was praying this would never end. At least in this moment I could pretend we were together, more than friends or brothers.

            But of course, our ride eventually ended and we had to separate. I hated the sudden loss of warmth from being away from him. I must have been pouting because Junhyung ruffled my hair while we were in the elevator and asked, “What’s wrong?”

            I smiled in response. “Nothing, just thinking is all.”

            He pinched my cheek. “Your cute when you make that face, but I would rather see you smile.” The elevator had stopped and he exited before I had a chance to react. I moved right before the doors were about to close and he was already making his way into the dorm.

            Why did he have to say something like that? It was almost like he did these things on purpose. Yoseob, get yourself together and stop over thinking things. I need to stop acting weird in front of Junhyung or he will think something is wrong with me.

            Upon entering the dorm, I noticed Doojoon in the living room. “You guys finally made it back. How was practice?”

            “Great,” Junhyung said. He stepped towards me and placed his arm around my shoulders. “I think we have a hit.” Looking over at me he added, “I will let you shower first.” He pulled me towards the hall leading to the bathroom. “I will make us something to eat, okay?”

            I nodded and quickly went to take a shower. Maybe a shower would help me clear my mind. I allowed the hot water to soak my hair and run down my back. For some reason the places where his hands touched my skin burned hotter than the water. The feeling lingered on my skin, reminding me of how badly I wanted more.

            That’s when the idea hit me. Maybe I could just pretend that we were together. I didn’t have to let him know how I felt; I could just remain close to him. I could be comfortable with the simple touches between us. The occasional hug or holding hands wouldn’t seem suspicious; after all he already does these things to me.

            I thought of my new solution, trying to make myself comfortable with idea. I was basically trying to deceive myself by implanting thoughts into my mind of us being a couple. He was always caring for me, feeding me, making sure I didn’t over work myself.

            I got out of the shower only to realize that I had forgot to get a change of clothes. Now I would have to go out in a towel. The thought of being practically in front of him made me panic. I can’t just stay in the bathroom forever and it would be strange of me to ask someone to bring me clothes.

            Taking a deep breath, I quickly left the bathroom and made my way to the bedroom. I stuck my head in first to see if anyone was in, luckily they were all in the living room or kitchen. I rushed to find a change of clothes. I was in shorts before I heard someone come in. In the process of finding a shirt, I heard him say, “Oh…you’re finally out. Dinner’s ready.”

            “Okay, be there in a minute,” I said not facing him.

            “Here. You can wear this one,” he said while draping a shirt over my left shoulder. “We need to do laundry soon.”

            “Thanks.” I grabbed the shirt and pulled it over me, while he left the room. It wasn’t until then that I realized he gave me his shirt to wear. Not just any shirt, but his favorite. It still smelled like him. He hated people touching this shirt and now he was allowing me to wear it.

            I left the room and made my way to the kitchen. I played with the hem of the shirt, liking the way it felt against my skin, knowing he had worn it countless times. The guys were surrounding the small table of food and Junhyung was getting a bowl of rice from the rice cooker. I went over to him and placed my arms around his waist resting my head on his shoulder and asked, “Can you make me a bowl as well?”

            He jumped slightly; shocked by the sudden touch, but then he smiled at me and nodded while handing me a bowl of rice. I only hugged him for a few seconds but the feeling lingered on my body. “Thank you,” I added before going to take a seat beside KiKwang.

            I only played with my food a little. My appetite had left due to the butterflies in my stomach. KiKwang poked my side to get my attention. “Are you okay?”

            I didn’t say anything. I just sighed and rested my head on my hand with my elbow on my knee.

            “Isn’t that Junhyung’s favorite shirt?” Hyunseung asked from across the table. “Yoseob, what were you thinking? He’s going to go crazy if he sees you wearing that. Hurry up and go change.”

            Because my hand was putting pressure on my jaw my words came out jumbled. “He told me I could wear it.”

            The guys seemed shocked but I was too stuck in my thoughts to notice anything or anyone around me. I wanted to hug Junhyung again. I wanted to make him smile at me in that caring way of his. It was like a drug and I was slowly becoming addicted.

            I imagined his hands running through my hair, touching my cheek. His fingertips were brushing across my forehead pushing my fringe back. “Are you sick?” he asked. I was pulled out of my daydream only to realize it wasn’t a dream at all and Junhyung was actually touching my forehead with his hand.

            My eyes caught his and I smiled like an idiot. I took his hand and pulled it away from my head. “I’m fine Junhyung, just a little tired.” I squeezed his hand reassuringly before letting go.

            He lifted some food and offered it to me. “You should at least eat something before going to bed.” I happily ate the food.

            First he’s concerned about me, then he offers me his favorite shirt, and now he is feeding me as well. Why is he doing this to me? At least this way it will be easier to pretend that he feels the same as I do. I love the attention he gives me. Maybe if I pretend to be a little sick he will give me even more attention.

            I only nibble at my food and eventually rest my head on my knees. Sure enough Junhyung becomes worried. He places his hand on my back, rubbing small soothing circles. “Yoseob, are you sure you’re okay?”

            I try to keep my face tired and worn, but on the inside I’m jumping for joy. “I’m not sure. Maybe I should go lie down.”

            I attempted to get up, but pretended to be weak. Junhyung put his arm around my waist to support me. I draped my arm around his shoulders. I knew it was wrong to deceive him, to make him worry this way, but I was too happy about the current situation to care.

            We made it to the room and he offered me his bed, instead of me trying to get on my top bunk. He felt my forehead again to see if I was feverish. “You’re a little warm,” he stated. I smiled on the inside thinking I was only warm because his touches made me blush. “I’ll be right back.”

            I watched as he left snuggling into his bed and under the covers. I was surrounded by his smell. It was the comfort I wanted after all the anxiety I had being around him everyday. I pulled the covers up to my face and breathed in deeply.

            Hearing him reenter the room, I pulled the covers down slightly to see him sitting next to me. He smiled at me, concern showing in his knotted brow. Reaching up he ran his fingers through my hair pushing it back and placing a damp cloth on the now exposed skin. He kept his fingers in my hair. Running them through it over and over again, sending a tingling sensation all the way down my body. I loved the way his hands felt gently massaging my head. I closed my eyes, enjoying the moment, but opened them again afraid that I would drift off to sleep and miss out on my chance to be this close to Junhyung.

            He noticed the worry on my face and moved closer. “It’s okay, you should rest now.”

            Removing one of my arms from under the cover, I reached over and took his free hand in mine, pulling him close to me. He didn’t resist, which made me happy. He assisted in my attempt to make him closer. Eventually, he moved to a slouching position at the head of the bed, which me resting on his chest. He returned to running his fingers through my hair as I hugged myself close to him, happy to have this moment.

            I’m not sure when I drifted off, but I could swear I heard Junhyung whispering to me, but his words were to dream like.

            In my dream, I heard Junhyung say, “Don’t worry Seobie, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay here as long as you want.” He began to hum a quiet tune, whispering too low for me to understand what he was saying. I enjoyed the melody though. I remember hearing a faint, “I love you,” before complete silence and my dream ended.

            When I woke up, it was still dark outside and I was alone in my bed. The other members were fast asleep around me. My throat being parched, I decided to go get some water from the kitchen. It wasn’t until after I closed the refrigerator that I noticed someone was in the living room.

            It was Junhyung dozed off in front of his laptop. He was in an uncomfortable position and I didn’t want him to wake up with a cramp, so I decided to move him. When I was close enough, I noticed his laptop was open to a folder of pictures. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to see what he was looking at.

            Clicking on one of the pictures, I remembered exactly when it was taken. It was a picture of us from our first concert. I smiled thinking about it. I hit next for another picture, again it was one of us. Again and again, they were all pictures of just the two of us. Why did he have an entire folder of these pictures and why was he looking at them now?

            Maybe he is hiding something like me? Maybe he is just as afraid as I am of the truth? I have feelings for Junhyung. I am completely in love with Junhyung. I’m not sure when it started but I know I can no longer keep it to myself. I feel like exploding with all the emotional turmoil going on inside of me. Should I be happy that he has all of these pictures?

            I pulled Junhyung over slightly so that he would not have his neck on a weird angle. I watched his peaceful, happy sleeping face. He was smiling slightly at the corners of his lips. I wonder what he’s dreaming about? I couldn’t resist the urge to run my fingers through his hair. It was soft and smooth. I enjoyed the texture on my fingertips.

            This slight touch caused Junhyung to stir a little and open his eyes into small slits. It took him a moment to register that I was actually sitting there beside him. He bolted up right and quickly closed his computer as if trying to hide something. I smiled already knowing what he was hiding. The fast movement caused him to be slightly dizzy. He held a hand up to his head to try to regain his composure.

            He looked so cute in this sleepy disoriented state. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” I spoke quietly. “You looked uncomfortable.”

            “Are you feeling better?” he asked still not fully awake.

            He reached up to touch my forehead but I stopped his hand before he did. Holding his between mine, I looked up at him and said, “I’m fine. How to do you feel?”

            He stared at me confused for a moment and said, “I’m fine.”

            I wanted to say that’s not what I meant, but I was too afraid. I couldn’t assume he felt something for me just because he had a bunch of pictures of us together. Instead, I reached over and smoothed his hair down because it was sticking up from the way he had been laying. My fingers rand down and lingered close to his ear. It must have tickled because he flinched slightly.

            I grabbed his hand and pulled him up. He was still half asleep and fell into me. The contact made me ecstatic but the moment was awkward. To salvage it, I moved and pulled him towards the kitchen. “I will make us some tea.”

            I left Junhyung standing near the door and begin to prepare our drinks. I filled the kettle with water and plugged it in. I grabbed a few tea packets and moved to get two cups. While in the process of reaching up into the counter, I felt someone behind me. It was Junhyung reaching over me to pull down the cups. I was struggling because I was just a bit shorter and they were high up.

            He remained close behind me while I prepared the cups for the hot water. The kettle whistled signaling the water was ready. I reached over to turn it off and accidentally placed my hand over the steam burning my wrist. I yelped in surprise and Junhyung quickly grabbed my arm and placed my wrist under the facet streaming cold water. He gingerly touched the burn and let it cool for a moment before turning off the water.

            He kept my hand in his examining the large red mark on my wrist. “Does it hurt?”

            “Only a little.”

            He traced the mark with his thumb before pulling my wrist to his lips lightly kissing the burn. I could feel his warm breath against the already heated part of my skin making it even hotter. “You should be more careful next time,” he scolded.

            For some reason he didn’t let go of my hand. He took it in both of his and began to trace my fingers. It tickled a little and was slowly driving me crazy. He traced the lines in my palm. I couldn’t move transfixed on what he was doing.

            “You make me so worried sometimes. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.” This caught my attention. I looked up at his face but his eyes were focused on my hand.

            “I’m sorry for making you worry,” I whispered. I could see a smile on the corner of his lips.

            “You should take better care of yourself,” he added still looking at my hand.

            I could no longer take these teasing touches. My body was going to start having spasms at any moment. My breathing had already become shallow and my heart was beating extremely fast. I could feel the heart rising in my body. I pulled my hand away from his touches and said, “I think I need some air.”

            I quickly moved to stand out on the balcony, breathing in the cool night air. Well now it was becoming early morning, but the sun was still low on the horizon. I remained motionless, staring at nothing in particular for a long time. I heard someone open the balcony door, probably Junhyung; I didn’t turn to see.

            I felt a blanket wrap around my shoulders along with arms. I felt him rest his head on my shoulder. I stood frozen waiting for him to speak. We were like that for a long time, standing silently together.

            “Yoseob-ah,” he began, only a whisper in my ear, “I want to tell you something, but I’m afraid you will runaway from me if I tell you.” He paused. “Will you promise not to runaway?”

            I swallowed before answering, “I promise.” I was biting my lip in anticipation. My eyes were no longer focused on the horizon. All of the buildings and lights of the city were now a blur in my vision.

            I felt him tilt his head, moving closer to my ear as if he only wanted me to hear his secret. I could feel his warm breath again. “I like you,” he breathed. I stood still as if I couldn’t comprehend what he had just said; those words I had been dying to hear. “I like you as more than a friend or a brother.” Those words, those beautiful words making love to my ears. I wanted to hear it again, to make sure he had said it.

            “Can you repeat that?” I whispered my eyes now closed praying for him to say it again.

            “I like you, Yoseob.” He said it again. My ears weren’t playing tricks on me.

            I turned with my back now against the railing and him pinning me in on the other side. Even if I had tried to runaway, I wouldn’t be able to break through this barrier he put up.

            His eyes were cast downwards, unable to look at me. I smiled at his shyness, his inability to see that I cared for him in the same way.

            I raised my hand up to his chin, lifting his head until our eyes met. This time I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t afraid of rejection. I now wanted to reassure him that he was not alone. “I like you, too. I like you as more than a friend or a brother. I want to be with you so much it hurts.”

            His eyes were wide open with shock. He hadn’t expected me to confess. I moved my thumb up to trace his lips. Those beautiful heart shaped lips of his. The ones that made my heart shudder when they curved upwards into a smile. I slowly move my hand to the nape of his neck, moving myself forward to give him a light kiss on the lips.

            He was still too shocked to react at first. He just blinked at me when I pulled back after the kiss to look at him. His hands that had been gripping the railing on either side of me gingerly moved to my waist. He robotically moved to reclaim my lips with his. This time I felt him smile within the kiss, taking my breath away.

            I could feel his hands move to my back pulling me closer to him. I swung my arms around his neck, playing with his hair. I loved the feeling of his soft hair between my fingers while his lips tangoed with mine. Junhyung pulled his lips away but kept our foreheads connected. He playfully rubbed our noses together, and then lightly kissed mine.

            “I never thought you would return my feelings. You were always so nonresponsive when I touched you or spent time with you,” Junhyung wondered curiously.

            I giggled a little. “Believe me, on the inside I was screaming.”

            He chuckled and pulled me closer, resting my head on his shoulder near his neck. He rested his head against mine, breathing in deeply.

            I’m not sure how long we stayed in this position, but by the time we decided to go inside, the sun was already peeking over the horizon. I wondered what we would tell the guys and if we had to keep this a secret. I wondered how long our charade would last.

            Even with all of these thoughts in my head, the one that out weighed all the others was the fact that he shared my feelings. He had confessed. He chose me and I him. We sat cuddling on the couch in the living room, both of us unwilling to go to sleep, afraid that when we woke up we would realize this had all been a dream. But it wasn’t a dream, and I was truly happy to be encased in Junhyung’s arms.