“What the hell do you mean I have to go back? You said we could clear this up and me never have to leave!” Jay’s face was covered with confusion as he looked into the eyes of the man sitting across from him. He watched as the corners of the man’s mouth slowly turned down, and the deep creases between his brows appeared. He was searching for the right words to say to Jay, the right was to explain everything, the best way to let him down.

“I know what I told you. I know what I promised to you, but I just don’t know how to make it work right now. Not with the death threats that have come up from all the rumors.” He reached his hand across the table, taking Jay’s. “I, of all people, want you to leave the least, but I do feel it would be the best thing right now. The safest thing.” He gave Jay’s hand a light squeeze before letting go.

He slowly rose from his chair, looking into Jay’s eyes the entire time. There were so many thoughts that rushed through his head, things to say, words telling Jay not to go, to just stay here and he would watch for him, but instead he settled on telling Jay to make sure all his belongings were packed and ready for the flight tomorrow.

The confusion that was present on Jay’s face only deepened and began to mix with fear, sorrow, frustration. He just sat there and watched as the man walked out of the room, an overbearing sense of loneliness came over Jay and he fought to keep the tears at bay. Slowly Jay stood up and made his way to the door, feeling a slight shake in his legs as he stood in front of the door, his mind racing with everything that had just been said. All he heard as he stepped out of the room into the bustling hallway was a dull ringing in his ears. He slowly made his way down to the front of the building, without even realizing that he was walking past dozens of curious faces, hundreds of whispers about him and just as many second glances in his direction as he never made any indication of noticing.

Pushing through the front door, the quick burst of cold air brought Jay back to the present, back to the reality of what had happened. Pulling his jacket tight and his hat further down on his head, he began what would be the longest walk of his life. There was a constant vibration in his jacket pocket from the texts and calls, but Jay brought his phone out. Instead he wished to walk in peace. Finally deciding to turn his phone in hopes of having time to think before reaching his dorm.

***

As he pushed open the door to the dorm, he heard the cheerful voices of his friends, the laughter, music, clanking of pots signaling dinner. Quietly he took off his shoes and set them down beside his other pairs, looking at them, debating on taking them to his room or wait for later to do it. He finally chose to wait for later, opting at this time to just retreat to his room, to his bed, to the quiet.

Jay made his way into the living room, trying to pass through as unnoticed as possible, but failing as soon as WooYoung heard the creak in the floor.

“Hyung, where have you been? Why didn’t you answer your phone? We have been trying to figure out what happened. Why did you leave practice? Why didn’t –“

“WooYoung! Shut up! Let him get inside before you kill him with questions.” JunSu glared as he gave WooYoung a jab with his elbow.

Jay glanced over, taking in the crowd sitting around the table, trying not to make eye contact with any of them. Slowly, he put his eyes back at the floor and started toward his room, shutting the door behind him. As he took his phone out of his pocket, a thought quickly raced through his head to turn his phone on, to text the one who just ripped his life apart, to tell him the true emotions that were choking Jay, but instead he just dropped his phone into the trash. ‘Won’t be needing this anymore. No one from here will want to talk to me after the truth comes out.’

Lying on his bed, staring up at the bunk above him, trying to ignore the clatter and chatter right outside his door, the tears finally started to flow, staining his cheeks as he choked on his sobs to try and keep quiet. Slowly, very slowly, sleep overtook his exhausted mind, allowing him to escape reality. Only to find himself trapped in a much worse dream.

A goodnights sleep was too much to wish, Jay realized this as he woke up to his manager, well actually ex-manager, telling him to get ready to leave for the airport. Carefully getting out of bed so as not to wake the other two up, Jay made his way to the bathroom, changing and freshening up as much as he could muster the strength to do.

Picking up his clothes from the floor, he made his way to the front door, meeting MinJae there, putting his pajamas in his bag and making his way out the door. Deciding as he made his way down the hall to not look back, not waste his time. MinJae caught up to him, and walked silently beside him until they made their way out the front of the building. There was a taxi waiting for Jay, ready to take him and drop him off. Without hesitation, Jay started putting his bags in the back, quickly shutting the trunk and walking towards the open door. Looking back at MinJae only once, neither spoke as Jay climbed into the car, closing the door and looking down at his hands which held his ticket, passport, and wallet. As the taxi began to pull away, Jay fought the urge to turn around, to see if anyone was there, if anyone had noticed him leaving.

The ride to the airport was deafeningly quiet; Jay couldn’t remember this ride ever taking this long before. Once they finally arrived at the airport, the taxi pulled up to the drop-off area, and the driver helped Jay get his bags out. Setting the final bag down, he turned and walked away, leaving Jay to figure out on his own how to reach the gate he needed to. As he slowly turned and started to drag his bags behind him, he began to notice the large amount of people staring at him, whispering. He walked over to an empty stall for checking bags, only to have the attendant turn him away and tell him she was extremely busy. After standing there confused for some time, he finally made his way to a stall and began to wait in line, only to reach the front and be pulled away by security.

“You are being taken in for questioning and to search your luggage.”

Jay looked up at the guard, taking a moment to try to figure out what was said to him, finally following the guard into a door and then ushered off to a room to be detained. There the guard went through his bags, searching through every little pocket and dark corner. Jay sat and watched, allowing his mind to start to wander over where his life was headed, what he was being forced to leave behind, and just how he was going to deal with it.

After what seemed like forever, the guard looked over and told Jay that he could proceed to check in his bags and ticket and that he would walk him there. Within minutes of leaving the room, Jay began to notice the crowd that was growing as they made their way over to check-in. once everything had been taken care of, the guard walked Jay down to the departure gate, leaving him sitting there waiting for the boarding time. With nothing to do but stare at his hands, Jay began to drift off to sleep, quickly entering into a dream of remembrances.

A dim lit room with a couch against the wall, a television across the room is ; there is an open door on the third wall leading out onto a balcony. There is someone standing in the door way, looking over at Jay, smiling.

“Jay com here, there is something I want to show you.”

Slowly, Jay walked across the room, stepping around the coffee table and the piles of books and magazines scattered on the floor. Reaching the door, he looked up into the face of the man, a small smile crossing over both of their faces.

“Follow me,” the man said as he took Jay’s hand and led him over to the far corner of the balcony. “Look over there; you can see the Christmas tree in the middle of the city.”

Jay leaned over the railing, looking in the direction of the tree. The man walked over behind Jay, placing his hands on Jay’s hips and pulling Jay toward him. Jay rose up, allowing himself to be pulled back, and feeling the man’s hands wrap around his waist. They both just freeze, neither wanting to ruin the moment.

There was a tap on Jay’s shoulder, waking him up to the attendant telling him it was time for him to board the plane. He slowly walked over to the door, passing his ticket over and then being led down to his seat. Jay sat, staring out his window as the other travelers boarded and filled the plane. Closing his eyes finally, allowing sleep to take him over yet again, praying for peace on this long trip.

Jay opened his eyes as the dying for fastening seat belts went off, he looked over at the person beside him, finding that they were still sleeping. He slowly looked around the other seats, finding most of the other travelers to still be sleeping. He glanced over out his window, watching the ground below pass by and slowly start to get closer. As the descent started, he clutched onto the arm rest, closing his eyes, waiting to feel the comforting hand on his knee, only to realize after the plane touched down that he wouldn’t be feeling that hand anymore.

Exiting the plane, Jay could sense eyes peering at him, the desire to turn around and spot the eyes was crushed by the foreboding thought of actually being in Seattle for good; of there not being a ticket back to Seoul. Walking towards the baggage claim, Jay lost himself in thought again, wondering what everyone back in Korea were thinking, if they noticed, if they had been told anything yet.

***

Back in Korea, the feeling in the dorm was suffocating everyone; JinYoung could tell the guys were trying to figure everything out, trying to wrap their brains around everything that had been said, about Jay being kicked out, about the death threats, about what was going to happen now.

“Does anyone have any questions or comments?” JinYoung looked amongst all the remaining members.

“Are you sure he did that? That doesn’t sound like him.” WooYoung looked up from his hands, complete confusion present on his face.

JinYoung took a deep breath before answering. “Ne, I am sure that this is what happened.”

“Did you take his phone away?” Taec asked, without looking in JinYoung’s direction.

“Ani, he had it when he left my office. I told him he could keep it so that he could stay in touch with whoever he wanted.”

“Then wae isn’t he answering his phone?” JunHo snapped, the anger and hurt evident in his voice and across his face. Taec leaned over, wrapping his arm around JunHo’s shoulders placing his forehead against the side of JunHo’s head. Whispering into his ear that it would be ok, they could work through this.

“I don’t know wae, like I said, he had the phone when he left my office.” JinYoung pulled his own phone out, quickly dialing Jay’s number. Everyone sat staring at JinYoung, waiting for him to say something, waiting for Jay to answer his phone. Instead there was a slight humming noise that caught everyone’s attention, causing them to check their own pockets and phones. As Jay’s voicemail came up, JinYoung hung up, immediately dialing the number again, this time telling everyone to look for the humming.

After calling the number seven more times, JunHo finally reappeared from his shared room with Jay, holding the buzzing phone in his hands.

“You guys won’t believe where I found this, buried in the bottom of the trash can. I guess he figured he wouldn’t need it anymore.” JunHo looked around the group gathering in the living room. “Do we check everything, just to see if it is all from us, or leave it alone?” His eyes connecting with JinYoung’s.

“Give me the phone; I will check everything out on it.” JinYoung reached his hand out, waiting for JunHo to give the phone.

“Wae do you get to check it? You are the one who caused this, you kicked him out!” WooYoung spoke up, turning towards JinYoung.

“Because I pay for the phone!” JinYoung snapped, reaching out and taking the phone before turning and briskly walking out of the dorm. As he closed the door behind him, WooYoung’s words stung his heart again. “You are the one who caused this!” Tearing at his emotions, causing him to feel weak in the knees. Jay’s face flooded his mind, the looks from evening pasts when they were able to go out to eat, the look on his face as he laid beside JinYoung in bed, and the finally the look on his face as JinYoung told him he had to leave, the pain that filled his eyes. JinYoung squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath before walking down the hall towards the elevator. He could tell this was going to be a long journey, and the more he thought about it, the more he wanted it to already be over.