“Key, tell me where it hurts, I’ll do my best to make it better” You said as he jogged in front of me as you slid your guitar from your body  griping it tightly as you got nearer to me.

Jonghyun, why don’t you see how much I’m trying to forget you and here you damn are, singing with you and your freaking beautiful, soulful, angelic voice and just what have I done to receive this kind of punishment?

I hesitated to answer, although the look in his eyes told me that there was no point in trying to hide from the truth, he’ll find out sooner or later. I didn’t want to hesitate anymore because all them years we’ve know each other it seemed like it was the only thing I could do; I can’t do that, not anymore.

I took you right hand, which was gripping the neck of your guitar. Your eyes should worry and curiosity at my bold action. I wasn’t surprise, in our friendship you were always the one that initiated the skin ship, it was better that way, and I can lie to myself that way.

As I was holding on to your hand, the hand I knew back to front like it was my own. Its warmth was hovering above the middle of my chest, right on top of where my heart was, I close my eyes before placing it on top of my pulsating heart.

“Key…” Your voice was low as you called my name.

The heat of your palm, sitting so firmly on my top of chest was enough for it to spread all over every cell of my body; it felt like a lifeless body which awoke by the touch of your hand. I was always a er for clichés,

I celebrated as found the courage within my soul to finally open my eyes, regretting it almost instantly as my gaze fell straight, at your big confused yet anticipated  round eyes.

“You w-wanted to k-know, where i-it hurts right?” I finally asked, cursing at the way my voice trembled and crack as a hold the tears trying to fight their way out of my already defeated eyes.

I knew everything must have been so new and unfamiliar to you, I wasn’t always the one to show my weak side, but I can only do so much, so much. So it didn’t surprise me that you only nodded at my question. Just like the dense puppy, you are.

“I-it… hu-rts here… Jjong” I muttered out as I lectured myself, too much for not crying, hating the feeling of having these salty tears trail their way down my cheeks. I pressed you hands deeper onto my over beating chest, wanting to exploded as the heat you so carelessly radiated, penetrate its way in to my heart.

“J-jong… this has been hurting… and it’s been hurting for a long while” I wanted to blame, shout and punch him, for everything; causing me pain, for making me sound like I was some kind of damsel in distress, for making me feel like there could be something more, when I know there clearly isn’t. I sighed, before letting your hand free from my touch, every cell of my body aching as your heat deserted it.

“Uh-h… K-key, what a-are you trying to s-say? here, care to explain” You said with a shaky laugh, obviously your way in trying to lift up such a damp atmosphere.

A muffled laugh escaped my chapped lips as my hand covered it.

“And a , you sure are” Your face feigned hurt, as I agreed with you. A single tear dropped as a small bitter laugh broke through my lips.

 Sometimes, I can’t help but to ask myself, is everything always a joke to you, is that why you can’t seem to find the time to stop laughing and look at me, to ask me how I am or to even see that I’m not laughing with you.

“Actually, wait; you’re not a …” I said, nonchalantly as your face was clouded with confusion; brows drawn together and face slanted in an angle.

“Kim Jonghyun, you’re not just a ; you’re a dense, over dramatic, naïve, selfish and ohh wait you’re a big fat idiot too” Words after words of insult escaped my mouth as if it was there, all along, at the tip of my tongue waiting to roll out, waiting for a reason to help itself out.

Your face was unlike before, you were no longer feigning hurt because the way you looked so shocked, so crushed… so unlike you; have I said too much, I didn’t mean it. A person can only hold onto so much, I’m not as strong as I make out.

You took a step closer. “W-What… Key-y I-I don’t understand” Your voice faltering as you try to comprehend the words; the insults.

“And you’ll never understand” My voice sounding so defeated and crushed.

‘Not with all the girls, so willingly offering themselves to you.’ This was what I wanted to say, how can I, I had no right too; none.

“For sake Kibum, than make me understand, I’m not a ing mind reader, but you know what, sometimes…sometimes, I wish I was, maybe then, will I know what’s going on in yours” Your voice rose as the frustration got to you, your voice not softening until you saw the terrified look on my face. It was never like you to raise your voice; especially not to me.

Jjong, I don’t think it would be any help to be a mind reader if you want to understand what’s going on in my mind, because most of the times, neither do I.

“I tried Jjong; I swear to God, I tried…”

“I tried to make you understand” I repeated, as different flashes of memory rushed through my mind of the different ways I’ve tried to make it as clear as day to show you just how hurt I was. Wasn’t seeing me walk out of the café, enough as the girls flocked and swarmed around you, to show you how jealous it made me feel. Or what about the time you called me late at night crying as you found out your grandma suffered a heart attack, wasn’t I there, standing at the front of your door with nothing but short sleeves and my pyjamas on to comfort you, to show you how important you are to me.

I tried Jjong, couldn’t you even give me the decency to even help me save myself from being humiliated anymore, I have pride too and it felt as if it was the only thing I had left.

“Y-you did, Key I didn’t notice anything… I-”

“Yes, Jonghyun I did, I tried to make it as clear as I possibly could, what else do you want me to do?” I said, utterly defeated, knowing how stupid I was for trying to fight for a losing cause.

 “Key, just tell me what’s wrong…” You stepped closer as you wrapped your hands around my shoulders, your scent so musky yet sickeningly sweet occupied my senses. I close my eyes, trying to savour your scent, heat and your voice.

“Please tell me Key, I can’t just stand here and watch our friendship that we worked so hard to make, deteriorate right in front of my eyes, I-I…  ” You whispered before burying your face within the confine space of my neck, trying to figure out whether or not your sentence was worth finishing.

“I-I want my bratty, rude, to good for you, diva back. I want my old Key back.” You whispered against my ear, warm vapour of air, tickling the sensitive nerves of them.

I can only agree with you, I want the old me back, the me that didn’t know what love is, the me that didn’t get hurt from loving someone he knew he couldn’t have, especially the me that didn’t love you.

Let go, just let him go Key, save yourself the trouble from hurting anymore, from crying anymore and for torturing yourself anymore.

I knew it would all come to this, I would eventually have to let go of… him to free him and myself from the pain.

“Let go, Jjong”

“No, not before you tell me what’s wrong” You argued.

“Jjong, let go”

“No” Your gripped around me tightened, keeping me perfectly in place.

“Please, Jjong let me go” My voice begged for your release.

“I can’t, Key” You replied firmly.

“I don’t want to hurt anymore, please let me go and let me take the little nothing I have left of me, away from you” I stated truthfully, there’s nothing else for me to lose.

“K-key… w-why a-away from me, what did I do… Key” You asked as you finally let the tight grip around me go, ‘I’m going to miss you, maybe when I’m strong enough, when I finally learn how to let go… I’ll come back’.

“You didn’t mean to Jjong… but you let me fall, fall so hard that now I can’t even help myself to get back up…” I my head sunk low as I avoided what your expressive eyes are trying to say. ‘This is it, huh everything led to this.’

Would you hate me?

Are you disgusted?

You would never lay a finger on me would you?

All sorts of questions, rhetorical, stupid, you name it and I bet at least once has it been asked in my head, I’ve got all this questions and I just can seem to find the answers, although the only question that gave such a clear and blunt answer was; ‘Can you love me?’

‘No’

Answer so blunt its sharp enough to pierce such a hole in my heart; an aching heart.

Would you blame me for destroying a friendship, a bond; that you initiated, that you made stronger.

Would you feel disgusted for my abnormality, would you hate me for practically tainting you with my gazes or would you hit me because I am what I am.

Your my best friend, you said you love me, so you won’t even think of laying a finger on me, but seeing how my father didn’t even think twice about raising his hand and smashing it across his so called son’s face that he said his loved then, I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I can only think of the worst.

I don’t think my heart can take your reaction whatever that maybe, I know the chances are one in a billion but I want to hope that you’d still stay by my side even if you don’t return my feelings because having you by my side will be enough to satisfy my longing for you; I don’t want you to hate me, hit me or be disgusted of me there’s already too many people that feels like that, even my own parents.

But I learnt to be strong not care, to move on, but you feeling or acting the same as them towards me will destroy every single strong armoured facade that I’ve tried so hard to create over the past 5 years.

I wanted to accept whatever you had in store for me, because I know I can’t change it, I had no right to, but I can’t…because I’m so ing selfish.

I’ve always told myself it was alright to be selfish, to not share what you had, to keep it as close to you as possible; you want to know why… because I had nothing left, not even one ounce of anything. I can’t share, the little things I have left, especially not Jonghyun, call me whatever the hell you want to call me; selfish, greedy or conceited but I can’t share him, please just not him.

Hypocrite, that’s what I am a big fat one at that too. There I was telling myself to let go of him, to set him free, when I know I can’t, both mentally and physically.   

But I can always try.

As the last symbol of my sentence lingered in the air, I felt as if my world collapsed; your once strong and firm grip on me loosened, turning flimsy and weak. 

Then, you finally let go, stood back and sighed.

Tears after tears it was like a strip of unlimited film it was practically never ending, I’ve cried so much, I didn’t know I had it in me anymore but what do you know there I was crying what seemed like a river.

The balls of my feet began to turn the other direction, I guess that’s your reaction Jjong I sighed knowing full well that he didn’t love me back but smiled at the thought that his reactions could have been far worst.

Before finally walking out of your life a look back at you, your head hung low.

“Jjon- Jonghyun, I’m sorry I can’t be the Key you want me to be.”It came out as a nothing but a whisper but it was the only thing that could come out. I wiped away my tears, breathed in a huge some of air and turned around once again.

Free.

I’m Free.

But before I could even take the first step to my freedom a firm, warm, cell tantalizing hand clasped my wrists.

“Do you really think, I’d let you go that easily; hell no” You asked me in a small whisper.

Before I could even respond to what you had asked, you already had me spun around to your masculine chest, one hand still firmly holding my wrist and the other steadily draped around my petite waist.

“U-uh J-jonghyun…I-”Too shocked at the situation my mind seemed to be unable to form coherent words only those of murmurs and whispers. However before I can even begin to say anything your words have already interrupted me.

“Key, you’re so beautiful yet so blind” You complimented with that sincere and loving voice of yours however it still left me more than baffled.

“W-what, are you going to shout, scream at me, tell me how disgusting I am… J-j-jong, you’re not going to h-hit… me are y-you?” I questioned him, letting more tears flow out of my eyes as the thought of him laying a finger on me petrified me.

Then suddenly, I was engulfed into your warmth, the warmth I yearned for and desired.

You make me so happy.

“No, silly. How can anyone think of laying a finger on you, you’re too beautiful for such cruelty.” You soothed the pain with your voice; filled with so much care and honesty. But I can only a grunt in return as I was still buried under your heat.

Standing there, embracing each other exchanging heat in the process was just too magical it was as if I was in heaven, I never want to let go of you, too much for letting you go. Then you broke the silence when you spoke, calm and gentle.

“All this time you’ve been hurting because of me and then there was me singing that song thinking you might want me to comfort you when ironically enough I was the source of the pain… seriously life must hate me… ” You said with a breathy chuckle probably at the thought of how ironic are situation was.

“I’m so sorry, Kibummie, for making you cry and feel pain you don’t ever deserve… but there is one thing I’ll never apologize for…”You continued before your hand that was around my waist fell to the sides, bringing it towards my face; you lovingly caress my cheeks before whipping the last tears  that were clouding my eyes.

“I would not apologize for… making you fall so hopelessly in love with me and to be honest I think that’s one of the best thing I’ve done in my life” Your gaze was aimed at me encouraging me to look into your eyes to self assure myself that everything that you said was true and funnily enough they were; your words laced with the truth

As gazed into your brown eyes, all my mind can do was ask a whirl wind of questions, for some reason my mind can never get enough of them.

What is he trying to say?

No it can’t be that’s impossible.

Is possibly saying that…that he likes me?

No Key get your facts right, his straight as a pole, well that’s what I think, with all his nicely formed biceps and abs, he has to be straight.

Numerous questions just like before kept on zigzagging endlessly in my brain however all the commotion was put in halt when you caressed my chin before tilting it towards you and the action cause for our eyes to meet; so tender, enchanting , enticing and the list could go on and on.

“Key, do you understand what I’m trying to say?” You asked tone hesitant yet firm.

I shook my head ‘No’.

“Then shall I make you understand?”The tone of voice unlike before this was playful yet honest and sincere.

I nodded.

Then as quick as my head can perform the task of nodding my face was already pulled so close to his and then… there finally I was in heaven; his lips, so smooth and gentle it was sweet yet needy, needy like it’s been itching to be on mine like how mine were so desperate of yours.

My mind was in shambles like a computer on a frenzy, it was inevitable though, how many times have a dreamt of this, I don’t even want to bother recalling because now, here in the present I’m one with you, through a delicious word defying kiss.

It was perfect.

Maybe life wasn’t always unfair; it was the only thing that fitted the moment.

The sweet tantalizing kiss, though I wished could  last forever had to end, as the air in my lung as well as yours has its limits  and so we part to regain the much needed air and energy.

“Key, what I’m trying to say is that, I love you…”

“I love you, so much”