It was almost two weeks later, however, after my brief spell of emotional overdrive, that I realised I hadn’t been seeing much of Jung Hwan.

In fact, other than the usual “good mornings”, “eat wells” and “good nights”, we hadn’t spoken at all.

I was shuffling, half-dead, into the kitchen early one quiet morning, thinking I had gotten up the earliest, when Chansik bounced in, dragging a basket of laundry behind him. After nodding tiredly to his enthusiastic “Good morning hyung!”, I began on my search for a cup to fill with water.

“You got up earlier today hyung,” our maknae observed aloud.

“Water,” I croaked exhaustedly, plucking a cup from the shelf and washing it in the sink.

There was silence for a while more, as Chansik began stuffing clothes into the washing machine, and I filled the cup with boiled water.

“I’m hungry, hyung,” he announced a while later, adding a scoop of washing powder into the drum. “What do you think we’re having for breakfast?”

I shrugged. “Ask Jung Hwan. It’s his turn to make breakfast, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but he already left, hyung,” Chansik managed to raise an eyebrow at me, clap the drum shut and close the lid of the machine all at the same time.

“Left where?” I downed my water, trying to remember if he ever had any schedule as early as this.

“His official musical briefing, duh,” Chansik said, pressing the start button on the washing machine.

I choked on my water.

“Since when was he in a musical?” I asked incredulously, still recovering from shock and water going down the wrong way. Chansik muttered something about living with idiots, before sighing and turning around, propping one arm on the washing machine, the other on his hip, like the drama queen he always was.

“Since Jin Young gave him the invitation,” he said coolly.

“He didn’t tell me anything,” I muttered, half to myself, as I turned around to rinse the cup.

Chansik rolled his eyes, before he began rattling off about what Jin Young might cook for breakfast now that Jung Hwan was away, but the musical was suddenly all I could think about.

It was weird, that he didn’t tell me about it before. I…I was pretty sure I was the first one he came to about everything. It had always been like that. That was the way it was supposed to be. We were best friends after all, regardless of any hidden latent feelings on my part.

An unsettled, vaguely worried emotion swam into the pit of my stomach that morning.  

Sandeul stopped coming home at night.

I noticed it a day after the “musical incident” that morning. Normally, we’d all go back to the dorms together after practice, but now, he’d disappear after speaking with Jin Young for a while. And Dong Woo, Jin Young or even Chansik would usually disappear with him.

I also realised I couldn’t speak with him like I used to anymore. Whenever I opened my mouth in his direction, my words would get stuck in my throat, and it would be reduced to an awkward “hey” or “bye”.

As the days passed, we grew stranger and stranger, and suddenly, it was as if the friendship of Baro and Sandeul had never existed at all, and we were as curt and unnaturally polite as two passers-by on the street.

My confusion and desperation grew with each passing moment of this silence.

So did my bitterness.

I was lying on my bed, alone in my room, trying to brainstorm a new rap sequence, when Dong Woo opened my door.

“Your turn to wash dishes,” he said, before peering at the state of my room. “And clean your room. Manager’s not going to be happy with your dirty clothes all over the place.”

“Yes umma,” I groaned, rolling over, though I didn’t make a move to get up.

“I’m waiting,” Dong Woo said in a bored tone that must have taken years to master. “And so are the dishes. And your clothes.”

“Nrgh,” I muttered irritably, sitting up. As I made to get up, though, I remembered the regular vanishings at night, and leapt for the opportunity.

“Dong Woo-hyung,” I started, and he immediately looked at me suspiciously. I didn’t blame him. I only called him that when I wanted to weasel something out of him.

“Where has Sandeul been going to at night?” I continued, ignoring the look. “You and Jin Young go with him sometimes, don’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s to practice for his musical,” Dong Woo leaned against the door frame, still regarding me apprehensively. “We help him with his singing.”

“Oh,” I said rather stupidly. “Uh…so where does he go, normally?”

“Why do you need to know?” Dong Woo asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I dunno…” I said, slightly alarmed. “To uh…to help him with his singing?”

“You are a rapper,” Dong Woo said sceptically.

A moment of awkward silence hung in the air for a while then.

“Right,” I said stiffly. “So…I guess…I guess I wouldn’t be able to help him then, so-...”

“You can help with the dishes,” Dong Woo said shortly. “And your clothes,” before he shut the door.

I remained glued in my position for a while, before I sighed, sliding my legs off the bed and bending over to pick up a sock.

Dong Woo hyung’s right…I wouldn’t be able to help him anyway…

It was funny, though, because that had never stopped us being together before.

“Sun Woo.”

My door opened one night, and Jin Young came in holding another sheet of paper. “You’re free on the twenty-ninth, aren’t you?”

“What?” I said rather dumbly. I was in the middle of trying to get the very same rap sequence done, the one the aforementioned Almighty Leader of Everything was ordering me repeatedly to finish.

Jin Young gave an impatient “tch”, sparking my irritation. What was with him lately? Being leader didn’t give him the right to be an to everyone in his peripheral vision. I was about to point this out when he spoke again, this time with a very put-upon tone in his voice, which served to do nothing but fuel my annoyance.

“The twenty-ninth, this month,” he said a little louder, tapping his foot, as if he had better things to do than stand around trying to hold a conversation with me. “Sandeul’s press conference is on that day, and you’re the only one free that night. Manager wants to know if you want to go support him.”

I blinked. Was he oblivious to the tension between us, or was he just ignoring it?

“Is that the rap I told you to compose last month?” Jin Young squinted at the paper in my hands. “Didn’t I tell you to get that done ages ago? See, this is what happens when you don’t manage your time properly. I’ve told you time and again to pick up the pace and focus on our career, why can’t you just put some effort in for once? If you would just stop slacking and buck up…” he exhaled irritably here. “I don’t even know why Manager’s letting you have the night off to go to the musical press conference when you’re so behind on your work.”

I just about lost it then.

“Fine, then!” I flared, standing. “I’ve been working my off on this stupid rap, since you rejectedthe last one I completed, so don’t try and push your luck by testing my patience anymore, get it? Since you say I’ve got more important things to do with my life than go to the press conference of some stupid musical, then FINE!”

I stormed out of the room then, banging open the door- before coming face to face with none other than Jung Hwan.

He seemed frozen, a mixture of shock and hurt displayed clearly on his face, like any other emotion that he experienced. I wondered, for a moment, how much he’d heard, but I heard my name being called in an annoyed tone from behind, and my anger returned.

I shouldered past Jung Hwan and stormed to the door, kicking on a pair of shoes and storming out of the dorm.

“He’ll be back,” I heard Dong Woo say, but I didn’t know to whom.

It wasn’t the first time I’d stormed out of the dorm, and I wasn’t the only one who’d done it. Living, eating and working in such a tiny space with four other people did things to a person’s mind. Sometimes, we just needed some time on our own to let off steam, and then we’d talk about what had set us off during our usual Saturday meetings.

Wandering the streets that night, shivering in a pair of black sweats and a thin white cotton shirt, breathing in the cool night air and bathed in the light of moth-infested street lamps, I felt guilt start to work its way into the maelstrom of emotions raging in my chest.

I didn’t mean to say it like that.

Too bad it’s too late to say it, a little voice at the back of my mind mocked.

I stared from my phone to my laptop, weighing out the decisions,

There was no one else in the living room- Jin Young was composing at the studio, and Dong Woo was probably with him. Chansik was taking his time in the shower. Sandeul was attending a makeup rehearsal.

I glanced at the clock. 10.55pm. The rehearsal would be ending soon.

So should I…?

My laptop was opened to several tabs, one of which was a movie ticketing site. I’d spent the last hour pondering which movie to choose, which movie he would most probably want to watch. I ended up settling on a local romantic comedy, but even now, I wasn’t sure.

It was Friday night, wasn’t it? Yes, it was normal. We always…well, we always used to go out on Friday nights, didn’t we? So I could call him and ask him if he wanted to watch a movie, right? There was nothing wrong with that, I tried to reassure myself.

I glanced at the clock again. 10.57. I took a deep breath.

My heart jumping erratically in my chest, I unlocked my screen, taking my time to scroll through my contacts until I reached Sandeul’s, even though I knew his number by heart.

The mechanical ringing began.

Each ring brought a new jolt to my stomach, and each pause in between made my abdomen wring uncomfortably, wondering if that pause could be the one in which he’d pick up. Again and again, I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head, chanting the words, hoping against hope that it would be enough for him to say yes.

The phone was ringing for much too long.

Finally, the ring was cut short, replaced by a repetitive, monotonous beeping.

He didn’t pick up.

I wasn’t surprised, yes, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt.

I should’ve known he wouldn’t pick up. I should’ve known he would eventually grow up, that he would one day forget the reason we’d become friends at all, pick up his things and leave. I should’ve known our friendship was fragile. The pain of separation tasted so familiar, it seemed to mock me.

I shouldn’t have set myself up for this.

Swallowing, the moisture making my throat stick together, I closed the tab.

It felt like I was letting a part of my life go.

Stonily, I stood, shutting the laptop lid. The door of the bathroom opened, and Chansik came out, towelling his hair dry, humming an unknown tune.

“Want to watch a movie, hyung?” he chirped, oblivious to the happenings that had taken place barely a minute ago.

“I’m going to bed.”

My voice sounded dead, and I prayed that it wouldn’t crack, especially not in front of our maknae. I turned and left for my room, feeling Chansik’s curious gaze on the back of my head.

Lying in bed that night, listening to the muffled sound of the television outside, I realised that I didn’t care about love or feelings anymore.

Suddenly, Sandeul not loving me became something I accepted, something I had to accept. Because now, even talking properly with him seemed impossible.

If even the slightest hint of friendship meant letting go of the fantasy of love forever, then I was willing to risk it. I realised I was willing to risk my pride, my mind, my heart, in order to just get things back to the way they once were.

Sandeul was all I wanted, and if just friends was the bar he had set on our relationship…then so be it.

It was simple.

That was how it seemed in my head, at least.

All I had to do was get him aside for a while, apologise for any misunderstandings that might have occurred between us, ask for our friendship back. He was reasonable…at least, he used to be. He would agree. Or at least think about it.

Our Saturday talk seemed to fly by that night. I’d never wanted a meeting to drag on before. Before I knew it, Dong Woo was clearing our empty cocoa mugs, Chansik had scuttled off somewhere, Jin Young was announcing that he needed to go to the studio, and Sandeul was standing up to go to his room.

I swallowed, a lump forming in my throat. It was now or never.

I stood, closing the distance between us in three strides, before grabbing his shoulder. At that moment, my heart seemed to stop, finally being so close to him after spending so long just watching from afar, as he turned, his eyes questioning. Upon seeing me, however, his whole body seemed to stiffen, and his smile disappeared.

The sparkle in his eyes darkened just a little.

When did my presence start having this effect on him?

“I need to speak to you.”

He was silent for a while, considering, perhaps, before he shrugged.

I turned and headed to the kitchen, forgetting to turn on the lights along the way, but I was fine with the dimness. I wondered, momentarily, where Dong Woo had gone with all the mugs, but then I decided that I didn’t really care.

Jung Hwan’s gaze was expectant, but in a tired sort of way. Like a teacher waiting for an excuse from the student who was always late.

It hurt me to think that he might have stopped believing a long time ago.

I had to at least try to change that.

“Listen, Jung Hwan,” I started hesitantly, inhaling a deep breath. “Maybe we should stop.”

He blinked, almost as if to mock my lack of eloquence in his own way.

“I mean, all this ignoring ,” I gestured, trying to get my message across pathetically. “It’s ruining our performance as a group. I’m sorry if I did anything wrongly before, but this is getting to a point where it’s affecting the rest of them…”

My throat tightened by an immeasurable degree at the next sentence, so I had to force the words out.

“Could we just pretend that nothing ever happened, for the good of B1A4?”

It was an excuse. A practical, logical excuse. To reconcile for our group, for our career, for convenience.

It broke my heart, because that wasn’t how I really felt at all.

I wanted him back. I wanted him to snuggle back under my blankets at night, I wanted to hold his hand under the table during meals, I wanted to be able to talk and laugh with him like we always used to.

I watched tentatively for his reaction, suddenly feeling my confidence, my drive, drain away at his expression.

Before I knew it, he was shouting.

“Sun Woo, I don’t even understand you!” I flinched at the harsh tone in his voice, and suddenly, I regretted speaking to him, I regretted admitting that it had bothered me at all. “First you abandon me for all your stupid variety shows, put me down and degrade me when I go into my musical, ignore me for a whole fricking month, and now you expect me to pretend nothing happened?!”

Was that how it had seemed to him? My heart grew heavier with each word.

“Why can’t you just make up your mind about what you want?!” his voice was frustrated, hurt, perhaps. “Stop doing one thing and saying another! Just what the hell do you want, Sun Woo?!”

A silence fell in the room here. He was breathing heavily, his eyes b with emotion, his stance defensive. The whole world seemed to stop in its motion, everything beyond us blurred, and it was just Sun Woo and Jung Hwan, and it was then that I was overcome by the inexplicable, overwhelming desire to kiss the boy in front of me.

It was a stupid desire, that had to be said. It didn’t make sense. He was angry at me. He shouldn’t want to be kissed, and of course, it wasn’t logical, I’d been hiding my emotions from him for the past five years, because I knew he didn’t…he would never feel the way I did for him, for me.

But the look in his eyes told me he was truthful, he was honest, like he always was, about wanting to know what I wanted. There was something in there, a tiny spark, that told me that maybe, just maybe, he’d been feeling as miserable as I had throughout our entire silent spell.

If only you knew what I really wanted, the bitter words flashed through my head.

“You know what,” he broke the tense bubble, his words wavering slightly, as he took a step back, and I became aware that he was slipping away again, that he was going to disappear once more. “Forget it. Forget I said anything.”

He turned to leave then, and suddenly it felt as though a thousand alarm bells were going off incessantly in my head, because he was falling through my fingers again, and I had to do something, before it was too late, and he left me alone again, except this time it was forever.

I did what I least expected myself to do, but probably what I’d wanted the most for a long time now.

I leaned forward and kissed him.

And it was like every receptacle in my head and chest had suddenly burst opened and started screaming, and suddenly I knew nothing but euphoria and ecstasy and joy. The sensation swept my breath away, but at the same time it poured relief and peace onto the frayed edges of my mind, because it’d seemed like forever since I’d touched him, breathed in his scent, heard his voice being spoken to me, and now, now my fingers were wrapped around his wrists, relieving in the soft contours I’d memorised so long ago, and the smell of Jung Hwan, the fragrance of the shampoo he always used, mixed with the scent of dew in the morning and the forest after it rains, seemed to fill my mind, calming me considerably, and his lips, the new feeling of the smooth flesh against mine sent emotions ricocheting around in my chest like fireworks.

Then I realised what, exactly, I was doing.

I was kissing Lee Jung Hwan.

The happiness vanished without so much as a trace.

I pulled away from the kiss, feeling fear start to choke the momentarily clear pathways of my mind. My eyes darted towards his, and my heart sank upon seeing the shock on his face.

That wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to let you know.

What now? How was I supposed to conjure an excuse for this?

This was it then, wasn’t it? I couldn’t hide from him any longer. I’d just about blown any chances of ever going back to what we once were. It was up to him, whether or not he still wanted me, even after I’d revealed what I really wanted.

“I’m sorry,” I hoped he wouldn’t pick up on the desperation in those two words, but I wondered if it would be better if he did. My voice trembled for the second time in many days. “If you don’t…if you don’t feel that way, then could we please just pretend all this never happened, so we can at least go back to the way things were before?”

I didn’t wait for his reply before I turned and started to leave. It was partly because I didn’t want him to see me cry. It was partly because I wanted to give him his own space to decide.

It was also because I couldn’t bear to stand there and watch him reject my feelings, reject me, because I’d just exposed the most vulnerable part of me to him, and for him to say no would be to ruin me forever.

I felt pathetic.

There was movement behind me, but I expected it, I expected him to grab me and demand for an explanation, to lay things out simply, like he always did. I expected it when I felt his hand seize my forearm, I expected it when he spun me around with a positively furious look on his face, but what I didn’t expect was when he leapt onto my neck and brought our lips back together for another kiss.

And it was like how it was before, except this time the fireworks were flying in confused little circles, and everything just seemed to question what the hell and it was like everything in my brain had disengaged and drifted off into many miniscule little cogs and wires. But then it registered in whatever vacuum void was left that I could feel his lips pressing ferociously against mine, and suddenly everything meshed together and that little spark of hope that had remained in me all these years that he might one day love me too grew just a little brighter.

Then the overload stopped, and there was a loud thwack, and I registered a sharp pain in my shoulder blade, as well as various obscenities being thrown in my direction, but all that seemed so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, aka the fact that Lee Jung Hwan had just kissed me.

“I thought-…” I managed to splutter out, like the grand incoherent git I was. “I thought you-…”

“Just stop talking right now,” Jung Hwan grabbed my collar, yanking me in for another kiss, and I didn’t mind at all that he’d just very rudely interrupted me, in fact, I would gladly be interrupted for the rest of my life by him if he did it like this.

I slept peacefully for the first time in a month that night.

The sky was a mix of orange and shades of blue when I woke up the next morning.

I loved opening my eyes to mornings like this, when the world was still in a state of half-sleepiness, and the dorm was silent, and the gentle breeze that blew in through the window was refreshingly cool. I could smell rain in the air, perhaps a gentle drizzle to cool the pavement before the sun came out.

Silently, I shifted in my bed, so I faced the boy snuggled up beside me, still sound asleep.

Jung Hwan still slept the same way as when we’d first joined up as a band- curled in a foetal position, lips slightly parted, one arm tucked under the pillow, the other normally clutching at the sheets, but this time, thrown casually over my shoulder, fingers slack.

It was the way, I learned, that he slept around someone he trusted.

Without lifting my head off the pillow, I smiled, reaching up to brush my fingers through his hair gently, movements hesitating slightly when he muttered quietly in his sleep. He shifted, and just as I thought he was going to wake up, he inched towards me sleepily, burrowing into the space between me and the mattress, only ceasing in his actions when he was satisfyingly warm.

Words couldn’t describe how much I missed this, I thought fondly, as I gazed down at the once again fast asleep boy by my side, now snoring gently.

A bird chirped merrily outside the window.

I felt my eyelids slowly slide shut, and I let an arm snake around Jung Hwan’s slim shoulders as I began to drift back into sleep.

As long as he was by my side, I decided, everything else could wait a while. Time would slow and stop, and the world would forever remain in this moment. Because with him, I decided, I could take anything on, one obstacle at a time, and world domination would wait for us to take our thrones till the end of time.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note:

Ta dahhhhh~ :D 

My world is a myriad of disturbingly bright colours right now so I think I need to stay off the computer for a while after this. 

This took me a week (or more) to write D: I can't believe I used to write like this on a usual basis argh. Um. So. I hope this is okay? :) I've been neglecting Jinchan, writing all this Badeul. I just find Badeul a lot happier to write :D Is it happy to read?

Here, have some chocolate Baro goodness, it will not destroy your mental health and reduce you to an incoherent blubbering mess. Really. 

So cheers to Badeul! Hope you all liked this twoshot! :) (By the way, with that new thing in the picture requirements when you post stuff...uh...is this considered ? Cos um. He is kind of. Um. You know. Shirtless and all.)

Oh and to the people who have it, happy summer holidays too :D I know I'm late, but um. Better late than never :3 I'm going back to school in less than a week :( sighhhh...

Love you guys,
WhiteWings19

P.S. 

"Jin Young's right arm is amazing. For various reasons."

- CNU, Ceci Magazine Interview

For what reasons, exactly, Dong Woo? Do share them with the BANA fandom :)))