I don’t know when did it start..

 

But what I know now..

My feeling towards you has been morphed into another shape.. Our friendship shifting direction.. At least on my side..

 

I don’t know when did it start but..

Everytime I saw you shed tears.. I’d sent the person causing it to hell over and over again in my head..

 

 

What do I do?

You’ve became everything in my life..

You’ve became One that I can’t be without..

 

What do I do?

I’ve became a pathetic role in that cliché movie..

Hiding my feeling for my own bestfriend..

 

 

 

 

You had no idea..

Just how long  I’d been in denial, refused to acknowledge the growing feelings in my heart.. for you..

I thought if I ignore those funny feelings all together, then they would wither or wipe out or evaporate or simply stop at some point. That way we could remain bestfriends.

But after sometimes—quite a long time to be exact—I’d came to realization that it’s not possible. It seemed that my heart already made a decision by its own accord. Because as time passed by, those growing feelings I felt for you kept flooding my system to the point that I could no longer ignore them.

I was helpless.

Helplessly in love with my bestfriend.

 

And it hurts.

Believe me, it hurts like hell.. denying your own feelings.

Do you know what hurts even more?

The acceptance..

To finally accepted those feelings.. to finally accepted the fact you’re head over heels to your bestfriend.. to finally accepted the fact you’re in love with a man..

It hurts so much I wondered everynight how could I survive yet another day around you, noticing every little thing you did, realizing how your every action always goes parallel with my mood even before I aware of my true feeling for you..

Like your toothless smile that brighten my day.. Or your kind eyes that soothe my anxiety.. Or your heartful laugh that cheer me up in just anytime.. Or even your mocking chuckles that get on my nerves at times..

 

 

It just.. too hard..

 

All those maddening feelings really were driving me crazy.. and I knew I should stop this madeness at one point.. before you would notice my feelings for you.. before I loose my bestfriend because of my stupid feelings..

And when those overwhelming feelings became too unbearable for me to handle, I made a decision. I stepped back. I distanced myself from you.

I thought it was my best decision I’ve made so far then. I thought with distancing myself from you, all the madness will stop or at least those overwhelming feeling I felt for you will decrease to the extent that I wouldn’t feel suffocated everytime you were around me. I thought it would really work out my way.. I should’ve known that it was just another stupid-futile-selfish decision of mine..

 

In the end I only hurt the both of us..

The ‘Avoid-Donghae-in-All-Ocassion’ plan was failed misserably as it only made me yearning for you even more—longing for you even when you were right in front of me. And I’d failed you all the same with that stupid plan of mine—made you worrying over me unnecessarily, dragged you down to the despair mess I was in..

 

I hurted you..

I was hurting you with my stupidity..

And it made me wondered if I really handle things right.. if I really was doing both of us a favor.. if it was indeed the right thing to do..

I couldn’t tell anymore..

 

 

 

I was confused.. I was hurting.. and I was hurting you..

It made me upset with myself..

Seriously, what the hell were you doing, Lee Hyukjae? Did you really think it was the rightest thing to do, the best decision you could came up with? For who? For him? For you both? Then why he’s hurting? Why you’re hurting? Why?? Can’t you even once make things right for him?? What can you do for him? Think Hyukjae, think!!

 

It’s just.. too hard..

 

Pain..

Doubt..

Confusion..

Agonize..

Fear..

Love..

Regret..

Despair..

Love..

Confusion..

Love..

LOVE..

 

I really didn’t know what to do anymore..

 

Seemed I was too caught up in my own self destruction that I failed to notice we really were starting to fall apart.. I was getting further and further away from you and I was hurting you even more with it..

 

I’ve messed everything up.. and I’ve no idea of what to do to fix it—to fix us..

 

 

 

I bet you had fed up with with me and my rubbish behavior at one point.. There, when you came to me and confronted me for all the I’ve put both of us in all those while..

And I was doomed..

I saw that coming all the way, but still couldn’t come up with a ing thing—or reason for that matter—when you questioned me and our friendship.

 

All I could do was just standing still in front of you, eyes fixed to the concrete floor beneath my feet, listening to all your yelling and shouting and cursing and crying..

You were crying..

Because of.. me..

 

“Why..?”

It hurts to even hear the way you voiced out that one word—your voice was torn between pleas, beg, sad, desperation, and much more.

I didn’t get your question until I felt warm fluids streaming down my fingers. That, when I awared what I was doing. Or rather my hand. It seemed like my hand was doing things in its own accord, just like my heart..

 

“Was I hurting you in anyway? Or am I still..?”

There you go again.. You and your golden heart, still worrying about me aven after what I’ve done to you all those while..

“No, you have never done anything wrong.. There’s nothing wrong either.. It’s just..”

I really wanted to answer you, to tell you that it wasn’t your or anyone's fault in particular.. that it was just me and my stupid feelings.. though I obviously failed as I trailed off miserably at the end.. I was a complete idiot, wasn’t I..?

 

“But the look on your eyes told me otherwise,” Your next words left me dumbfounded.

Was I too obvious?

Were my eyes failed me too?

What was you really saw in them?

Was you even reffering of what I thought you were reffering??

 

Suddenly I felt bold.

“Then what you see in there?”

I let those words rolled out from my mouth while boldly looking straight into your eyes, baring my goddamn feelings without a second thought.

!

 

The question caught you off guard. For a second. But then a realization hit you in an instant as your eyes widened while our eyes still drown themselves in each other stares—I was a fool for not being able to tear off my gaze much more ealier from you, that way you wouldn’t have notice.

 

I was speechless..

You were speechless..

The feelings lingered in the air..

 

It felt like years until you broke the silence, and I could’ve swore I heard you stuttered on words.

“Just.. forget it,” I cut your words abruptly before you could get your point across, too afraid to hear you out.

Finally, I found a strength to tear my gaze off your dazzling orbs for a moment, made sure I’d put my mask on before looking up at you again.

“There’s just too much useless things that kept my mind lately, but it’s okay now.. or at least, it’ll be okay soon. Sorry for make you worried.”

You just kept staring at me, didn’t say a word when I continue,

“Thanks for your concern anyway. I’ll try not to make you worry ever again. Just.. ..give me time..” Still sporting a smile which I hope convincing enough, my words getting softer and softer as your eyes that were locked with mine showing me hundred and one feelings, but you remained wordless, “I really am lucky to have a best friend like you, aren’t I?”

 

Bestfriend..

 

Yes, that’s what we are..

 

That’s all we’d ever be, aren’t we?

 

Was that a glint of sadness that I caught in your eyes as I uttered the word bestfriend?

No, Hyukjae, stop living in delusion.. Just stop making even more fools of yourself!

 

Then I decided to leave before I could say any stupid things and ended up got busted for real..

I was reaching the doorknob when I suddenly felt a strong grip on my shoulders. I found myself being spun around and then pinned against the wooden door..

It was all happening too fast I couldn’t keep up with all the things happened in between..

 

What I knew was..

I was trapped between you and the wooden door.. Our body collided perfectly together.. Our lips molding with one another.. Our souls connected through eyes..

I widened my eyes..

 

What in the—

 

"Hyuk.. Just.. don't even try.. to get away from me again.. ever again.."

You then spoke in between your heavy pants while staring straight into my eyes.. Sending a thousand and one messages of love..

 

Love..?

 

You.. your eyes.. is that—is that relly love I saw in them?? It wasn’t my eyes playing a trick on me, right?? But.. Why? How? W-when??

No.. w-wait—

It’s just..

It was happening too fast my head spinning like hell!

 

Really, what was that?!

The kiss.. That look of your eyes.. And those words..

What those that mean??

 

It can’t be—

 

It’s just.. too much for my mind to take..

And my heart already gave up a while ago—since that mind-blowing kiss I couldn’t believe really happened just yet..

 

No.. I don’t want to think anymore.. I don’t want to care of anything either..

Be it right or wrong.. Be it real or not.. I don’t wanna care anymore.. I just wanted to treasure this moment I have with you when it last..

 

 

Then my mind defense had completely collapsed as you gathered me in your warm embrace, whispered soothing words on my ear..

Was I crying..? I didn’t notice.. Not that it mattered at the moment..

 

Like that, we stayed in each other embrace for God knows how long..

 

And I never actually uttered a word in respond to your last sentence..

But I know you knew already.. my answer..

So it really didn’t matter, did it..?

 

 

 

 

 

Then you broke the comfortable silence around us with your soft voices..

“Hyuk..” You mumbled on my neck, but I couldn’t find a strength to give you any respond..

“Hyuk.. Hyukkie..” You kept calling out my name when I stubbornly stayed still, “Hyukjae, wake up!”

 

W-wait—wake up??

 

 

 

haehyukhaehyukhaehyukhaehyuk

 

 

“Hyukjae, wake up! Hyuk.. Hyukkie..!”

Your voices sounded urgent despite your effort to keep it down as a soft whisper.

I finally opened my eyes groggily when I felt warm hand carresed my wet cheeks.

Wet??

There, the first thing I saw when I opened my two eyes was a pair of soft brown orbs, looking straight into my eyes with hint of worry and genuine love flowing through them..

“Hyuk, you’re crying in your sleep,” You heaved a sigh of relief as your eyes found mine.

“Nightmare?” you asked softly, eyes still locked with mine.

 

I almost losing myself in those brown orbs, drowning in a sea of endless love and care your eyes promised me over and over again everytime I looked into them..

 

I still couldn’t believe you reciprocated my feeling for you just like that..

 

I still couldn’t believe our feelings were mutual..

 

I still couldn’t believe we’re end up together since that day..

 

I still couldn’t believe it has been over two years since that life-changing moment..

 

I still couldn’t believe you love me..

 

But everytime I saw those beautiful orbs of yours, I know those all were true.. Those all were real..

And I couldn’t be more grateful..

 

Thank you, Lee Donghae..

Thanks for loving me in the way you love me..

Thanks for being here with me at this very moment..

 

“Hyuk..?” You poked my cheek lightly—seemed I couldn’t help myself but to drown in those eyes again, hm?

 

“Hmm.. No, it was a good dream..” I mumbled an answer after vaguely recalled your question.

“Then why you were crying?” You asked stubbornly.

I kept my eyes locking with yours for some more minutes before let out a soft chuckled, settled my head on the crook of your neck as I mumbled another words,

“I love you”

 

With that, you pulled away slightly to find my eyes once more time. Your eyes filled with amusement.

And I know why..

I might be the one who had fallen for you first.. but you’re the one who always spoiled me with those loving words..

I never be the one who really opened in voicing out such affection.. Just like that day..

 

You took your time baring all my feelings through my eyes, an amused smiled still plastered on your face.

“I know,” You pecked my temple for a second before fixing your eyes on mine once again, “But I’m sure you can’t defeat my love for you”

“You bet” I mumbled incoherently in respond.

You let out some chuckling noises before pulling me impossibly closer onto yourself, held me ever so dearly in your warm embrace—made our bare chest pressed perfectly together.

And I was blushing in realization.

It was funny how my heart still fluttered uncontrollably upon realizing our current state in ‘the morning after’ despite the fact that we’ve been doing the not so innocent things for countless time already.

 

“Your face’s heating up,” You whispered playfully, I can’t help but to punch you lightly on the chest.

“Shut up!”

You just tightened your grip around me, ignoring my struggle on your chest.

“Just sleep,” You whispered on my ear, made me froze instantly as I felt a shiver running down my spine.

“And no more crying, I’m here with you..”

 

I smiled at your words..

And being held in your warm embrace, I slowly dozed off into a soundless and peaceful sleep..

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, Lee Donghae..

 

 

 

 

 

 

________________________________

A/N: so.. how's it??

 

A/N2: picture credit to the creator.. it's not mine..^o^