“Hey,” He elbowed me lightly, “Hmm?” I replied nonchalantly not bothering to look up at him. From the corner of my eyes, I saw him sigh and tuck his hands in his pockets.

We have been walking along the quiet night streets of Seoul for quite some time already. We were wrapped by silence- not an awkward one, but not a comfortable quietness either- truth is, I can sense tension… In the words, left unspoken; truths left unsaid; lies left hanging; and of course in the bond that was about to break.

He wasn’t really my boyfriend and I’m not that much of his girlfriend too. Well, we are something in between those two. Maybe more than friends, but less than lovers… Somewhere in the line between having a commitment and having none, you can find both of us. For now. For me. From my point of view. And from what I think.

A gush of wind hit me as I managed to hold in shivers. The night was chilly, but it was bearable. His uneven shifting footsteps reminded me of that article again.

I should not have checked it.

I mentally slapped myself for the nth time this evening. Having mental battles of ego versus modesty; pain versus understanding; love versus hate.

I should’ve just let it pass.

“So you’ve seen it….?” He voiced out once again- stopping my thoughts and bringing me back to reality. I can’t quite point out if that was a question for me to answer or a statement waiting for an agreement- So I decided to stick to the latter, look down to my shoes and smiled hesitantly. “You did…..” He breathed out confidently jumping to a conclusion.

I cautiously bobbed my head up and down, my eyes not leaving the ground.

Just like that…. Distance….. Space….. Emptiness….. Nothing….

No, I’m not jealous.

Because jealousy is selfishness;

Love is not selfish. Love is not jealous

“I didn’t want that to happen…” He stated. Perturbed honesty present in every word.

*** Silence ***

With all my tattered wits- beaten pride- tangled mind- and well- a broken heart- I slowly looked up to meet his gaze.

His face has the word G U I L T spelled on it, pure guilt. While his eyes pleaded for a sincere apology. I raised my hand to gently his cheek as if erasing something that has been there- as if it can really be erased with that. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to think further, not really sure of what. Just like a math equation…. When you’re trying hard to find an answer to the problem which you don’t have a clue on what the constant formula is; like, looking for something which you didn’t even notice that existed; or trying to remember someone you’ve never met. My hand stayed on his face for how long? I lost track of it…. Until his hand found mine.

Then it all came back,

“B1A4- Jung Jinyoung, kissed by an actress on Dream Team.”

Love is not jealous.

But I do feel sorrow,

Sorrow that it wasn’t me

But I feel fear,

Fear that he might like the actress too

I feel insecure,

Insecure that she’s a whole lot prettier than me

I feel fright,

Afraid that he’ll leave me soon

I am lonely,

Lonely because he’s slipping away from my fingers

But then again, Love without trust is like an engine without oil, it will take you nowhere.
A soldier without weapons, you’ll surely loose.
Or better yet, a gun without bullets, it will never work.

I opened up my eyes and tried to give him my best reassuring smile without much success.

“Kwencahana,” I was really planning to tell him that- instead what came out of my mouth was a muffled inaudible whisper. I sighed and continued walking leaving him behind.

“Yah~” He called after me, I closed my eyes and scrunched up my nose before turning to look back at him, “Can you please-” His voice broke.

“Please, stop being so kind… Stop- just- stop-” his eyes glistened with tears, as mine was welling up too. “Stop being so considerate! At least tell me that you’re hurt because I know- I know you are!” You might think that he would be yelling this to me with anger and rage- But instead he said these desperately like a kid begging his mom to buy him three scoops of ice cream.

“It pains me more to see you smile, act glad and tell me that it’s okay- that you’re okay- even if I know deep inside you, you are not! It destroys me bit by bit seeing you all cheerful when your eyes show the complete opposite which is that you’ve been crying yourself to sleep almost every night because of me! And it kills me standing in front of you, whenever I am able to, knowing that I am the cause of your misery and depression but I can’t do anything about it! Instead, I’m there in front of the camera getting kissed by another girl, faking laughter and joy for the show!”

In a matter of seconds he strode in front of me and grabbed my wrists then started hitting his own chest with them,

“Yell at me! Tell me that you hate me! Slap me! Punch me! Hurt me too! Cry because you got hurt because of me! Get mad because I caused you pain! Threaten me to break up with you but let me tell you that I won’t and NEVER will because…… Because… I love you…..”

He loves me?

Now we totally look like a crazy couple. Crying like there’s no tomorrow… Me technically hitting his chest with my fists and him: half crying- half yelling- half- half- okay that’s enough, one whole only have 2 halves.

“Ne!” I finally managed to shriek out.
“Ne.” I said again, much calmer this time.

“When I saw the article about it- I honestly wanted to break my laptop screen into half!” My voice broke in all the wrong places. “When I saw the picture, I tried to laugh it off and trick myself that it was photoshopped! But I ended up looking like a stupid person!” His grip on my wrists loosened up a bit, “When you called me, I resisted the strong urge to ignore it!” I said in between sobs, “When I saw you pull out on my front porch, I literally fought the impulse to yell and tell you to leave!!!” In one swift move, my head bammed against his chest- “When I opened the door- I badly wanted it to slam in front of you!!!” I was now wailing out like a kid in front of him, but I can’t care less, “When I greeted you with a ‘hey’ I was really about to burst and tell you that we’re done!”

 “But I can’t get myself to do those things to you…..” He squeezed me in him, as if I was about to disappear any sooner.

“Because, I honestly love you too!!!”

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End

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I- SERIOUSLY- AM- OUT- OF- MY- MIND- SORRY.
Hope you liked it.