The tiles were cold, too cold under his palms as he pressed his back against the bathtub. His touched the cool porcelain and he hissed, clenching his eyes shut tight.

 

Why was everything so damn cold?

 

He rubbed his fingers over the tiles, fascinated by how smooth and seemingly flawless they were. He tensed and froze when he heard a soft knock on the door.

 

He didn’t make a sound; he didn’t even move, simply stared up from the floor. His eyes widened when he saw and heard the doorknob jiggle as the person tried to open the locked door. 

 

He took a moment to relish in the fact that this time, he had remembered to lock the door. After so many times of sitting completely tensed and panicked at the thought of someone walking in (even though he only lived with one other person), he had finally learned his lesson. 

 

“Who’s in here?” The unwanted intruder asked as another knock resounded through the tiny bathroom. 

 

On the bathroom floor, crumpled against the bathtub, he made a noise. He didn’t mean to make it, and he was ashamed at how defeated and pathetic it sounded—it wasn’t even a word, really…simply a guttural noise. 

 

“Han-…Hankyung? Is that you?” 

 

Hankyung shivered because of how easily he had been found…that, or because of the drugs coursing through his veins for the third time that day.  He tried to slow his panicked breathing. 

 

“Hankyung? Are you in there?”

 

He pressed himself closer against the bathtub, as if it would swallow him up and hide him from the reality presented before him. He shivered, again, this time because of how cold the porcelain was against his heated and flushed skin. 

 

Why was everything so damn cold?

 

“Hankyung, if you don’t answer, I’m going to break the door down.” 

 

If he wasn’t high, he would have laughed; if he wasn’t high, he wouldn’t be sweating at just the mere thought of how someone would react upon seeing the state he was currently in. 

 

“Hankyung? Answer me.” 

 

Hankyung chocked on a sob that forced its way out. He wasn’t crying, he was just scared less. 

 

“Hankyung!” There was panic in the voice now. “I can hear you, I’m coming in, okay.” 

 

It wasn’t a question. Hankyung realized this as he flinched at the loud BANG from the person slamming into the door. He let out another embarrassing guttural noise as the door was finally punched open. 

 

“Oh, Jesus.” When Hankyung realized who had broken into the bathroom, he thought the person’s words ironic. 

 

Siwon paused in the doorway, taking in the sight he suddenly walked in on. On the toilet lid laid an open ziplock sandwich bag a quarter filled with white power, lines of the white powder scattered messily over the lid. Hankyung sat in only boxers curled up with his knees under his chin tucked in the corner between the sink and the bathtub. It sure wasn’t hot or even warm out, but Hankyung was clearly sweating. 

 

“H-Hankyung?” Siwon whispered out as if speaking too loud would damage his already on edge boyfriend. 

 

“What…What is this?” Siwon asked, taking a step into the bathroom finally. 

 

If Hankyung wasn’t high, he would have laughed. If he wasn’t high, he would have been able to welcome his lover home with a soft kiss on the lips. But he was high. So very high. 

 

He tried to squeeze himself more into the shadowy corner hidden slightly by the sink, but shivered when the porcelain sink touched his bare legs. 

 

Why was everything so damn cold?

 

“.” Siwon whispered. He finally stepped over to the crumpled mess that was his boyfriend, choosing to ignore the drugs covering his toilet for the moment. He crouched down next Hankyung and reached a hand out to run his knuckles down the side of his face. But he pulled his hand back almost as soon as he touched his lover’s cheek. 

 

“Hankyung, you’re freezing. How much did you take?” Siwon didn’t even give Hankyung time to answer before he was on his feet and pulling the elder up with him.

 

“Wh-“ That was all Hankyung could get out that resembled something of a word. Now standing up somewhat straight, he realized that he wasn’t just high—he had taken too much. He had taken too much, too soon. 

 

“I thought you promised me you had stopped.” Siwon grunted out as he pulled Hankyung into the bathtub, trying to keep them both standing, but struggling with the deadweight he was holding. Just as he got Hankyung, along with himself, fully into the bathtub, he dropped himself on his bum, taking the elder with him. Siwon leaned against the back of the tub, forcefully holding Hankyung to stay on top of him. He then quickly used his foot to turn the shower head on full blast—no hot water.

 

Hankyung hissed loudly and pressed himself more into Siwon’s chest, trying to hide from the freezing water. 

 

“C-C-Cold…” Was all he could muster up enough to say. 

 

“I know. I need you to stay awake for now, though.” Siwon said, shivering himself, but trying to stay sturdy for Hankyung. 

 

“You promised me that you had stopped.” Siwon said in monotone. He was both worried about his boyfriend’s current state and angry that he had been lied to. 

 

“I-I…” Hankyung muttered, gripping Siwon’s shirt as a lifeline and breathing deeply. 

 

“Just breath.” Siwon sighed out, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the not unfamiliar scenario.

 

~

 

“You promised me you had stopped.” Siwon said once he had gotten Hankyung dry and into new clothes. He wasn’t really expecting a response, but was surprised to hear Hankyung trying to form full sentences as he laid him in bed. 

 

“I…I d-did.” He was still shivering, so it made sense that he was having a hard time forming sentences…and he was still high. 

 

“Sure you did.” Siwon said with sarcasm as he pulled the blanket tight around Hankyung. 

 

With what little strength Hankyung still possessed at the moment, he reached out and gripped Siwon’s wrist as tight as he could. Siwon stilled and finally, really looked into his eyes. 

 

“I-I did.” Hankyung repeated. 

 

Siwon had no immediate answer as he just read desperation in his boyfriend’s voice.

 

“Tell me again when you aren’t high out of your mind.” Siwon said coldly, pulling his wrist from the loose grip and leaving the room. 

 

Hankyung wanted to protest, wanted to shout out that he hadn’t truly betray his lover, not until now at least. But he couldn’t move fast, and the door closed behind Siwon before Hankyung could even decide where to put his legs in order to stand. 

 

~

 

“I’m…I’m sorry.” Hankyung said softly and slowly at around 2pm the next day. He had slept through the night, woken in the morning, vomited and chose to stay in bed until he knew which way was up.

 

Siwon looked up from his make-shift bed on the couch.

 

“I know you’re sorry.” Siwon sighed, sitting up and looking to his lap. 

 

Hankyung didn’t really have a response ready. 

 

“I threw all the away.” Siwon stated, not looking up from his lap. “I flushed it all.” 

 

Hankyung hated that something inside of him tightened at the thought of how much was flushed away. 

 

“I really did.” Hankyung spoke finally.

 

“What?” Siwon finally looked to his boyfriend. Hankyung still looked a mess, just not as close to a panic attack, heart attack, or death.

 

“I promised you I had stopped. I really did.” 

 

“I know you promised me-“

 

“But I really did stop.” 

 

There was silence between the two. Hankyung wasn’t sure what he was seeing churning in his boyfriend’s eyes: confusion, doubt…anger?

 

“You stopped?” Siwon asked, eyebrows raised. Hankyung nodded. 

 

“Then how do you explain this?” Siwon said exasperatedly, gesturing around the living room as if it was coated in a heterogeneous mixture of different hard drugs. In reality, the room was pristine. Anyone walking in unaware of the current situation would have thought they were perfectly happy in their perfect home. 

 

Hankyung looked around for a moment, his clouded mind assuming Siwon was speaking literally about the living room; however, his mind eventually gave way to the reality of his boyfriend’s words. 

 

“I…I-“

 

“’I-I’” Siwon mocked, getting to his feet. Yes, it was anger Hankyung had seen churning in his eyes. “What explanation are you going to give me this time, hmm?”

 

Hankyung backed away, worried for just a moment that he was going to get hit. But it was Siwon. Siwon would never hit him.

 

“I can explain.” Hankyung said out of habit. It’s not like this is the first time something like this has happened. 

 

“Then ing explain it for me, Han Geng!” Siwon screamed, hands thrown in the air. 

 

Hankyung backed away, again—Siwon never used his Chinese name. 

 

“He…He found me.” Hankyung whispered out, knowing full well that Siwon would understand who he was talking about. 

 

Siwon remained silent for a moment, eyes widening slightly. “He found you?” 

 

Hankyung nodded. “I was walking home from work three days ago. And he…He pulled me into an alley.” Hankyung paused, looking to his feet to collect himself. He couldn’t believe it could happen either. Who knew that after three years and in a different country, the drug lord he used to work for would still remember him? 

 

“Why is he even here?” Siwon spoke slow and clear. He knew Hankyung’s past; he knew what this drug lord could do. He also knew that the last time Hankyung had seen him was in China. 

 

Hankyung shrugged his shoulders. 

 

“Was he looking for you? Or did he just see you?” Siwon asked. 

 

Hankyung shrugged his shoulders. 

 

“You don’t know?” Siwon sounded angry, again. But as Hankyung looked to his eyes he saw another emotion: worry. 

 

“He didn’t really say anything. He-he seemed surprised to see me.”

 

Siwon shook his head, rubbing his face to calm down. There was a moment of tense silence, before Siwon went back to the original reason for him sleeping in the living room instead of next to his boyfriend. 

 

“And how did you get the drugs?” 

 

Hankyung looked to Siwon a moment, trying to gauge how much he would believe. “If I tell you, will you promise to believe me?”

 

Siwon turned to face Hankyung head on. “Am I going to have a hard time believing your story?” 

 

Hankyung looked to his feet before continuing. “The packet was in my coat pocket when I got home.” 

 

Another tense silence filled the room. 

 

“So it just fell into your pocket?” Siwon said incredulously. 

 

“No.” Hankyung answered, now playing with his fingers. “He put it there.” 

 

“Your old drug lord put a half of a sandwich bag filled with in your pocket without saying anything.” It was a statement, but Siwon was still looking for an answer.

 

Hankyung just shrugged. “I guess.” 

 

“You guess?” 

 

 “…I’m sorry.” 

 

Siwon took a moment, turning his back on his boyfriend to try to keep his composure. “You said this was three days ago. Why didn’t you say anything until now? Why would you hide something like that from me?” Siwon was getting angrier the more he spoke. “Why did I have to find out when you were curled in the corner, so high you were sweating through a cold shower?”

 

Hankyung flinched at every question. “I don’t know.”

 

“You knew you had the drugs before yesterday, yes?” Hankyung nodded slowly. “Why the didn’t you tell me?”

 

Siwon ran his fingers through his hair, trying his hardest not to throw something across the room for lack of anything else to do. 

 

“I thought I could handle it on my own.” Hankyung spoke with a soft voice.

 

“Well, clearly, you can’t!” Siwon screamed. However, as the last syllable left his mouth, he wanted to take it all back. He watched, horrified, as Hankyung simply nodded, wrapping himself in his arms in a make-shift hug. 

 

“Hankyung, I’m sorry.” Siwon rushed out, taking quick steps to wrap his boyfriend in a hug of his own. “I didn’t mean to yell that at you.” 

 

Hankyung noted that Siwon didn’t say that he didn’t mean what he said, just that he didn’t mean to scream it in his face. He wasn’t surprised, though, what Siwon said was right; he couldn’t handle anything on his own anymore. 

 

“But you’re right.” Hankyung muttered into Siwon’s shoulder, not fighting against the warmth so easily being offered to him. 

 

Siwon remained silent, only continued rubbing slow, mindless circles on Hankyung’s back. 

 

“Hankyung…” Siwon sighed, resting his head on the elder’s shoulder. “You need to get help.”

 

Hankyung froze. Had Siwon’s embrace loosened, he would have pulled away outraged; however, in the moment, the embrace was more than what he needed. 

 

“I can’t find you like that, again, Hankyung.” Hankyung thought he could hear tears in Siwon’s words. “Do you understand how much it hurts to see you unresponsive to even my voice?”

 

Hankyung kept his head on Siwon’s shoulder, but shook it nonetheless.

 

“You will never understand. I need you to get help, Hankyung. For me if nothing else.” Yes, Hankyung could hear tears in the other’s voice, because he could now feel them wetting his own shoulder. 

 

“I…I don’t want to leave.” It was so soft that Hankyung wasn’t sure Siwon could have heard him even though he spoke mere inches from his ear. 

 

“I know you don’t.” Siwon said with a sigh. “But I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

 

“But this hasn’t happened in…in at least a year.” Hankyung tried to defend himself, tried to plead his case, tried to keep his own tears from falling, but failing at all of it. 

 

“And we both thought that was the end of it…But Hankyung, we are here, again. I don’t know how to help you on my own.” 

 

“But it wasn’t my fault.” Hankyung said, now just trying to fight off loud sobs. 

 

“Hankyung. He put the drugs in your pocket. He didn’t shove your nose in it.” 

 

“But I wasn’t even looking for it!” He was failing at controlling his sobs, too. Why was he a failure at anything he tried. “I didn’t want it to begin with.” 

 

“I know. I know, Hankyung. I know.” Siwon pulled back in order to hold Hankyung’s face in his hands. He pressed a firm kiss to his lover’s lips, trying to convey that everything he was saying was out of love and not anger. “But if you can’t control yourself, you aren’t ready, yet.”

 

“But…But I don’t want to leave you.” Hankyung had nothing else to defend himself with anymore. Once again, he was fighting against the truth. 

 

“You won’t, not really.” Siwon said firmly, trying to convince both of them. “There is a facility just in the next town over. That’s a 20 minute drive, Hankyung. You won’t be leaving me.” 

 

Hankyung let out a sob, pressing against Hankyung’s hands in order to press his face against his boyfriend’s chest. Siwon let him. 

 

“I’ve…I’ve already called them, Hankyung.” Siwon felt the elder tense in his arms. This wasn’t betrayal, he tried to tell himself. “They’ve already saved a room for you.” 

 

Slowly, almost against his own will, Hankyung pulled away from Siwon’s embrace. He looked to his feet as he tried to take everything in. 

 

“I need to go to the bathroom.” Hankyung said suddenly, turning away from his boyfriend. He paused for just a moment as Siwon spoke.

 

“There’s nothing left, Hankyung. I searched the entire room.” Hankyung didn’t need to turn around to know that Siwon had sad, disappointed eyes. 

 

“That’s not why I’m going.” Hankyung said coldly, continuing to walk away. 

 

“I love you, Hankyung.” Siwon called just before Hankyung reached the bathroom door. “Please know that.”

 

Hankyung nodded. “I love you, too, Siwon.”

 

In the bathroom, Hankyung closed the door and looked in the mirror. Siwon was right—he needed help. His eyes were sunken in and his hair was thinning. His skin was pale, paler than normal, and he bruised too easily. None of this would be caused from one day of binging on long lost drugs. But he truly hadn’t used anything for a year. He needed help. 

 

Hankyung turned from the mirror and sat down on the bathroom floor. The tiles were smooth under his fingers, but he tensed when his bare arm grazed the cool porcelain of the bathtub. 

 

Why was everything so ing cold?

 

the end.