In a book, in a box, in the closet

In a line, in a song I once heard

In a moment on a front porch late one June

In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon

Jessica’s POV

I was in my room thinking about him again. I sighed. It had already been three years since he left and I still cannot forget him. I stood up from my bed and went to my closet. There I hid a box and inside it, there was book: my diary.

When I opened I read the following words: I LOVE YOU

Those three words and eight letters that I could never tell him. Those three words I’ve heard more than a thousand times but still I didn’t have the courage to say them.

“How I miss you Siwon” I said as I read those words written in my diary like a hundred times and a tear fell from my eyes. “I wish I had had the courage to tell you I loved you”

There it was at the tips of my fingers

There it was on the tip of my tongue

There you were and I had never been that far

There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms

And I let it all slip away

Flashback

3 years ago

“Jessica, I have something really important to tell you” he told me seriously holding my hands tightly. He had teary eyes like I’ve never seen before. In that moment I didn’t even imagine what he was about to say.

“What’s wrong oppa?” I asked worried cupping his head with my hands

“Sica I… have to leave you” he said with shaky voice and I was shocked for a while. My hands slowly slipped down from his face.

“W-What d-do you mean?” I asked stuttering. I was afraid of hearing the explanation.

“My father wants me to go to America to study and I got scholarship” he said looking away. Tears were threatening to fall from his eyes but I knew he was stronger than that. “If I go, you’ll probably never see me again”

I froze when he said that. He was going to leave… forever. Tears started to fall from my eyes without stopping even if I wiped them.  I was speechless and I didn’t know what to say.

“Please say something” he said with pleading eyes holding my hands again

“What can I say?” I suddenly said. I sounded mad but I was hurt. Siwon and I had been dating for more than 2 years and I loved him. Yes, I really did love him but neither of us had said those words yet.

“Say anything” he said now cupping my head with his hands and wiping the non stoping tears that were falling down “Something that will make me stay and not leave you”

“I…” In that moment I felt like I had to say it finally but when I looked directly into his eyes, I couldn’t. “…can’t. You deserve a better future and you’ll only get it away from here”

He removed his hands from my cheeks and looked down sad. Then he faked a smiled and looked at me.

“I guess this is goodbye then” he said and tears began to fall from his beautiful eyes. He kissed me one last time and then hugged me making me feel like my world would tumble down any second. I couldn’t let him go and I didn’t want to but I had to.

“I’ll miss you” I whispered without breaking the hug

“I’ll miss you too” he said hugging me tighter

End of the flashback

What do I do now that you're gone

No back up plan, no second chance

And no one else to blame

All I can hear in the silence that remains

Are the words I couldn't say

You are gone now and I regret not telling you. But everything is my fault. When you asked me to say something so that you could stay, I should have said those three words and that would have been enough but I just couldn’t. I was too afraid of the outcome.

But now it’s too late. I love you Siwon. I’ll keep repeating those words but no one will ever hear them. Only me.

If there was a chance to tell you how I feel, I would. I would run to your arms and tell you what I couldn’t three years ago. I would tell you that I love

There's a rain that will never stop fallin'

There's a wall that I tried to take down

What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips

So I held back and now we've come to this

And it's too late now

Some days passed and I don’t know what got into my head. All I know is that right now I am here at the airport waiting for my flight in this rainy night. Maybe it is too late. Maybe he already found another love but I will not give up. I have to say those words. Maybe there is still hope.

“Last call for the passengers of flight 215 destination New York, please board the plane” that was my call to board the plane. I took deep breath before standing up and boarding the plane.

“I hope there’s still a chance for us Siwon” I said and boarded the plane without looking back

What do I do now that you're gone

No back up plan, no second chance

And no one else to blame

All I can hear in the silence that remains

Are the words I couldn't say

I did some research before coming to New York and I found out Siwon was doing an internship in a hospital in Manhattan so I went to look for him. The city is really big and crowded but luckily I’ve been here before.

When I arrived to the place, I didn’t even need to ask where he was because as soon as I entered the hospital I saw him. My heart started beating faster and my legs were shaking. I was so happy to see him again. His smile, his cute dimples, everything.

He was talking to a girl. A really beautiful girl and he was smiling. Maybe he did move on.

“Really?” he asked her and she nodded smiling cutely “Well congratz Fany”

I thought she may only be a friend but my heart sank when I saw him hugging her tightly. He seemed so happy. Tears started to fall from my eyes when I realized I had lost him.

“I’m so happy for you” he told her

“Thank you Siwon” she said

I started walking away because I was starting to think that coming to New York so suddenly to look for him after 3 years, was a really bad idea. When I was about to leave, he turned around and saw me.

“OMG Jessica?!” he asked shocked but I just ignored him. He followed me and grabbed my wrist. I sighed and turned around to face him. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry if I interrupted something” I said wiping my tears “I wanted to tell you something. Three years ago when you asked me to say something I should I have told you this. I love you and I’m sorry if it’s too late because I see you moved on”

Another tear fell from my eyes as I saw his shocked expression. I could finally say those three words but somehow I didn’t feel better. I expected him to say something but he stood there frozen.

“I’m sorry” I said and started to run away

“Wait Jessica!” he yelled “This is not what you think”

“I’m sorry Tiffany, I’ll talk to you later” he said

“Yes of course” she said and pushed him “GO”

I should have found the way to tell you how I felt

Now the one I'm telling is myself

What do I do now that you're gone

No back up plan, no second chance

And no one else to blame

All I can hear in the silence that remains

Are the words I couldn't say (bis)

Siwon ran trying to catch me but I left the hospital and went to the park. I needed some fresh air. I sat on a bench and I sighed as I let out all my tears.

“How could I be so stupid to think that he hadn’t moved on?” I said to myself

“Found you” I suddenly heard his voice and jumped startled. I turned my face and saw him smiling at him as if nothing had happened.

“What are you doing here Siwon?” I asked him and he laughed

“I should be asking the same question” he said and sat down next to me

“Go ahead, make fun of me if you want” I said looking down

“I would never do that” he said raising my chin and making me face him “I’m glad you are here. You don’t know how much I missed you”

He suddenly hugged me, making me blush hardly. I missed him so much too. This shouldn’t be happening as he already has a girlfriend. I shouldn’t be this happy but I cannot help it.

“I’m sorry for coming so suddenly and making a hospital drama” I said embarrassed and he laughed “Please give my apologies to your girlfriend”

Saying that word hurt more than I expected. He looked at me and laughed. I looked at him weirdly and he just smiled.

“Tiffany is not my girlfriend. She is my co-worker and I was congratulating her because she is getting married next month”

After his explanation I felt my heart beating faster. I didn’t know why but I felt so relieved after hearing him say that. Why didn’t he tell me before? But still, I told him I loved him and he didn’t say it back I shouldn’t hope for something more.

“I’m sorry for not saying anything when you told me you loved me” he said and looked at him shocked “I was just too shocked”

“You don’t need to apologize” I told him “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t expect you to love me back after three years”

I looked down when I suddenly felt his strong arms hugging me tightly. I was startled and my heart starting racing faster.

“That’s where you are wrong” he whispered “I love you too. I never stopped loving”

He cupped my face in his hands and made me face him. He leaned closer and suddenly gave me a peck on the lips, something totally unexpected. I felt my world spinning around. Nothing mattered anymore.

“Why didn’t you say it three years ago?” he asked me sadly after breaking the kiss “You didn’t feel that way then?”

“No” I said looking down again “I didn’t say those words not because I didn’t feel them. It was because I was afraid”

“Afraid of what?” Siwon asked me “Afraid that I wouldn’t say it back?”

“That and also that even if I said it, you would still leave me” I explained. It hurt to remember all the fears I had back then I didn’t know how Siwon would react when told him this time.

“If you had said it, I would have left everything just to be with you” he explained and I felt like crying. Now I realized how wrong I was. “I just needed you to say that you wanted me stay and that was going to be enough”

“I’m sorry” I said feeling guilty “I screwed our relationship because of my stupid fears. I just thought that maybe if it was not worth it because I was going to lose you anyway”

 “Well” he said sighing and made me face him again “You said it and I said it back. Was it worth it?”

I smiled and nodded. He smiled and hugged me tightly.

“Yes” I said and he smiled again “It was worth everything”

“I’m not going to lose you again” he said and kissed my forehead “I’m never going to let you go. I love you”

“I love you too” I said and he kissed me again. Now we were together again and I wasn’t going to let him go again either. Finally I could say those words I couldn’t say.

THE END