Lee Jinki; Our Leader.
Because He's SHINee's Leader. [Oneshot]
"Jonghyun?" I asked gently and sat beside him on the couch.
"It's 2:30 in the morning, aren't you going to sleep?" I asked in concern.
"It's 2:30 in the morning, aren't you going to sleep?" I asked in concern.
"Hyung..." He croaked, his voice breaking as he looked up at me, and that's when I saw his swollen eyes and the pain and guilt pooling in them.
"They found out about her...about my Se Kyung...everyone is livid. She had to close down her CyWorld...shawols are so mad..I...I..." He stopped, sobbing more.
I quietly placed an arm around him and he cried freely in my shoulders.
"Hyung..." He sobbed.
"I am so...so..." He kept on sobbing and I shushed him, letting him cry.
"Hyung..." He sobbed.
"I am so...so..." He kept on sobbing and I shushed him, letting him cry.
"It's okay...We understand." I murmured and Jonghyun cried, again and again.
"Thank you...thank you...I...I...I'm just really..." I nodded in understanding and he finally quieted down, calming down a little.
This was one of those times wherein the leader just knows exactly what is going through the minds of his own members.
"There's nothing to forgive. We're not mad, we don't blame you." I murmured as he continued to cry softly.
"There's nothing wrong with falling in love..."
If only I can offer more comfort, I would do so.
It hurts so much in my part that shawols would leave just like that because Jonghyun fell in love.
Is he not allowed to?
But what hurts more is seeing my own dongsaeng hurting like this.
"It's okay..." I comforted him.
"Cry it all out. I promise I'll stay up with you tonight."
--
"Here." I handed Key my last leave pass.
"Hyung? What is this?" His small eyes widened in surprised.
"Take it. You need it more than me."
"No!" He refused immediately.
"This is your last leave for the year hyung, you know that we only get two leaves a year!"
"Yeah. And you used up all of yours, right?" I sighed and he didn't say anything.
"So take it."
"No." He said stubbornly.
"Take it." I used my serious voice and pulled out his hand to put my pass on his palm.
"But hyung...you've been planning that vacation for so long..." He looked at me pleadingly.
"And you haven't seen your grandmother for some time. Plus, birthdays only comes once a year." I said gently.
"I think you deserve some bonding time with her, it's long overdue." I smiled.
"But you haven't seen your mom in two years, hyung! I can't...I can't take this..."
"It's fine." I closed his palm over the pass.
"I'll just call them up. They'll understand."
"Are you...sure, hyung?" He finally asked doubtfully.
"Very." I nodded.
"Hyung..." He looked touched.
"Thank you so much, you're the best!" He finally smiled widely and took off, shouting.
"Oh, I have to get my suitcase ready--"
I smiled fondly and walked to my room, shutting the door firmly as I took the small envelope on my desk, and stared at it for some time.
"I'm sorry, mom. I promise I'll visit next year..." I mumbled and threw the envelope containing the train ticket home that I had booked weeks ago.
This was one of those times that a leader should learn to sacrifice for s.
I flipped my phone open, sighing and biting my lips before finally pressing a number in my speed dial.
"Hello, Jinki?"
"Mom?" I began and released the breath I've been holding for so long.
"Listen...there's been a change of plans..."
--
I rolled my stiff shoulder muscles, trying to loosen them up.
Ah, there's nothing more in the world that I want to do than to take a long bath and sleep.
But there's something else I need to take care of.
I walked down the hallway and knocked on his door softly, only to realize that it was left open.
I saw him with his head on his hands, disappointment coating the air.
"I'm sorry." I sighed as I leaned against Minho's doorway.
"Go away, hyung." He said darkly, not bothering to look up.
"Losing in that competition is not the end of the world, Minho. Everyone loses every now and then." I said softly.
"You don't understand, hyung. I had the chance, everyone was counting on me and...and...I blew it. We could have gotten that trophy and we could have--"
I shook my head and tossed the ball I was holding to him.
He looked surprised and puzzled for a moment.
"Hyung?"
He looked surprised and puzzled for a moment.
"Hyung?"
"Come on." I grinned.
"You need to let off steam, right? Let's go play. I promise I won't bolt away once we get to the court."
"But hyung..." He looked bewildered.
"It's midnight. Plus, didn't you have that musical practice all day? You need to rest."
"Nah." I lied. "I feel so energetic right now because of all that coffee I drank."
He stared at me, still hesitating.
"Let's go. I can't wait to beat you." I smirked and he finally smiled.
"Yeah well, we'll see about that."
We both walked to the nearest court in the park in our neighborhood and played basketball.
I was a crummy player and all my muscles were screaming in protest with every run I make for the ball and every useless blocks that I attempted on Minho, and I wanted nothing more than to collapse on the court and sleep until morning came.
But it was okay, because Minho needed this.
This was after all, one of those times wherein the leader should do what he can to cheer s up. No matter how hard it is.
He went on to cream me for the entire night, 45-10.
--
"What about it, Onew? Do you want to participate?" Manager hyung asked me.
"Jonghyun participated before and he did fine. You, as one of the main vocalists of SHINee, should do fine as well. Your voice is good enough anyway."
"Wow, hyung!" Taemin breathed, looking excited.
"It's such a great opportunity! You'll be able to perform all the hits of our immortally great singers!"
"And I swear, you will learn a lot hyung." Jonghyun smiled.
"Those legendary singers give a lot of helpful advices like you wouldn't believe."
I felt myself getting excited at this, this is truly the opportunity of a lifetime!
"Ah! I'm jealous! Tell the secrets to me, hyung! Okay?" Taemin pleaded and I laughed, noticing the excitement and anticipation in his eyes.
"Well...I have one thing to say, though." I smiled back at them.
"What?" Manager hyung asked.
"Maybe Taemin should take my place."
"BWOH?!" Taemin exclaimed, standing up in surprise.
"What?" Manager hyung blinked and Jonghyun looked puzzled.
"We've all noticed how great Taemin's vocal ability is. I'm sure he can improve more." I looked at our maknae proudly.
"This is the perfect chance for him to get all the pointers that he can."
"B-But...hyung...I'm not...I don't think..." Taemin fumbled for words.
"Of course, you can!" I encouraged him.
"You're our Power Taemin, after all!"
"B-But...Hyung. This will also be good for you..."
"It's fine." I said dismissively and looked at Manager hyung.
"Listen, all they asked for is a representative from SHINee, right? And they didn't ask for me specifically, yes?"
Manager hyung nodded and I smiled.
"See?" I looked at Taemin encouragingly.
"You can do it! Be our representative!"
"Ah, but you're letting go of an opportunity, hyung." Minho glanced at me while Key agreed.
"Of course not." I shook my head.
"This will surely improve Taemin's vocal ability and will be best for the group overall in the long run, right?"
"Are you sure, hyung?" Taemin looked doubtful.
"Positive!" I beamed and placed an arm around him.
"We'll help you. All of us, right guys?" I looked around and they all nodded in confirmation.
Taemin finally relaxed and was soon so excited for the possibilities.
I relaxed in my seat and briefly wondered how it would feel to participate in such a competition but I shook my head, knowing I did the right thing.
After all, this was one of those times that the leader should help s improve more, for himself, and for the group itself.
I remember clearly now, that was the time we spent our free day teaching Taemin different vocal techniques.
--
*/CRASH!
"Onew Hyung!"
"Hyung!"
"Aigoo!"
I winced inwardly as I slipped and fell down the stairs again, my ankle twisting painfully in the process.
Ow.
"Are you okay?" Taemin was smiling but the worry was evident in his eyes.
I quickly stood up when I saw that little glint and tried my best not to wince more or to even limp.
No one noticed it, but it was a bad fall.
A painfully bad fall.
I swallowed hard at the sudden shock of pain in my ankle and looked at Taemin, I was about to drape an arm around him for support when I noticed the cameras, the happy, smiling faces of everyone which was directed at me.
Oh right.
We were recording a show on TV.
And they were more or less expecting this.
I let my arm fall down and flashed my trademark grin, smiling as widely as I can,
"Yeah! I'm okay!" I laughed.
I saw Taemin breathed a small sigh of relief as Key frowned.
"Onew Condition. It's unavoidable! Sorry about that everyone!"
Yes. Sorry...
I subtly tried to twist my ankle around, trying to see if I sprained it.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Owww.
Please don't be sprained. Pleasepleaseplease...
"Aw, come on! You know we love Onew more when he does sangtaes!" Shindong hyung grinned and I chuckled weakly, giving him a thumbs up.
In the corner of the studio, I could see Manager Hyung beaming and giving me an approving nod, thinking I had staged the fall.
Can't they still love me the same way without me getting hurt like this?
I walked as normally as I could and went beside Jonghyun, sighing in relief when I finally got to sit down.
The original topic that was being talked about was resumed and soon, everyone forgot about my fall.
I participated in the talks, sang and imitated Jonghyun, clapped and cheered on until the show was over, all the while trying my best to ignore the throbbing in my ankle.
But it didn't.
The pain didn't go away.
Right after the show and everyone started to go, I faked a wide smile again and leaned onto Jonghyun.
Everyone only thought it was fanservice, thank goodness.
After all, no one needed to know I was in pain.
"So heavy!" Jonghyun grumbled but he didn't exactly pushed me away from him, much to my relief.
Once we got to the car, I immediately claimed the backseat.
"Hey! I was going to sleep!" Minho complained but I only flashed him another one of my bright smiles apologetically.
He only grumbled in response and sat on the front with Taemin while
everyone else ignored me, since they were tired themselves, and we finally drove off towards the dorm.
In the backseat, I twisted my ankle around while trying to stifle my groans and looked for painkillers inside my bag to no avail.
I continuously bit my lip hard whenever I moved my foot,
Maybe it really was sprained?
Maybe it was just overly injured because of all the falls?
Sprained or not, it hurts so much, it didn't help that we were practicing all day, and going off to our schedules, contributing to the weakness and tiredness of my body.
I uttered a silent prayer of thanks when we reached the dorm at exactly 12:18 AM.
Once everyone was out, I remained on my seat, dismissing my puzzled members with excuses that I was looking for something and assuring them that I'll be up soon.
Only then when they decided to leave me alone was I able to finally released my sobs, and shakily straightened my leg to check my foot over the cramped backseat.
My ankle was reddish and it was throbbing.
I bit my lip to keep the sobs in as I continually massaged it, applying plasters and trying to ease the pain while closing my eyes and resting my head on the headrest.
Maybe I should see the doctor...
Maybe I should rest for a while...
I sprang up, opening my eyes tiredly as I remembered something.
But I have a full schedule this week, and I promised Taemin I would watch his first Immortal Song recording...
I winced again as I massaged my left ankle.
Did I really fell that badly?
"Onew Hyung?"
I froze for half a second when I heard the door opening and someone speaking.
Reacting quickly, I immediately stopped massaging, dropping my foot down and ducked my head to wipe away the tears.
"Did you find what you were looking for?" Taemin poke his head around the backseat.
"Y-Yeah." I cleared my throat and winced again when I hastily inserted my injured foot inside my shoe, before he sees anything.
"Okay. Let's go then. Everyone's waiting."
I nodded and grabbed my bag, holding onto the arm rests for support and quickly draped an arm around Taemin once I got out of the car and kept it on as we made our way inside the building.
"You'll come tomorrow, right? I really need you there!" Taemin pleaded.
"Of course. Don't worry." I gave him an assuring smile and tightened my hold on his shoulder for support.
The plaster wasn't doing its work of relieving the pain at all.
"Geez, hyung. You really are heavy." Taemin grumbled, leaning to support me and I just chuckled, shifting my weight off of him as my eyes landed on his watch.
It was 12:22 AM.
Four minutes. I realized with a dazed thought,
That was all the time I was given to be vulnerable.
To be allowed to cry because I was in pain.
Just four minutes.
Then it was time to go back to being a leader again.
These are just some of the things Onew considers as normal.
He feels the need to do this.
After all, he was the leader.
Lee Jinki; The Leader--
Soft. Gentle. Calm.
Soft. Gentle. Calm.
That's what everyone thinks of me.
Even though I smile at these descriptions, I can't help but wince inwardly when I think about them sometimes.
After all, I was the leader.
Not only that, we were supposed to be contemporary.
We're supposed to lead the trends, be the role models, be the first to introduce new things.
An added burden only comes from the fact that we're a product of SM Entertainment, who is considered as one--if not, the best--of the most outstanding entertainment companies in South Korea.
If we were going to accomplish our purpose, our goal, how was I supposed to do it?
How would a gentle, calm, and sometimes even a pushover guy suppose to do it?
How am I going to be a pillar for our group, to my young band mates, if I myself, doubt my own abilities?
Debuting at such an early age--Nineteen, I would have considered it as luck, fate, destiny, even.
Or is it?
As I looked around, I can almost feel my heart sinking.
A seemingly cocky, stubborn guy,
A naggy, meticulous dongsaeng,
A quiet introvert,
A very, very young and innocent boy.
What? Am I supposed to lead them?
How am I going to lead someone who's cocky? One who probably thinks that his ways are better than mine?
How about the naggy one? Would I be able to calm him down or is he going to scrutinize every move I make?
And the quiet introvert? Would I be able to get him to open up and make him give his best in our performances?
Heaven forbid, this young, young boy!
How? He is way too young! Way too much of a child.
And I'm going to live with them?
With all these doubts in my mind, all I can think about is...
Do I even deserve to be the leader?
--
I did my best.
Every single moment I can, I would encourage my bandmates, give them a thumbs up, an approving nod, a pat at the back.
It helps, I can see.
Jonghyun confirmed everything with me.
Hyung, do you think this note is high enough?
Hyung, should we tell manager hyung about this?
Hyung, what am I supposed to do...?
I tried to give him the best answers, one that would benefit most of the members, forget about me, all I needed is that they would be taken care of first.
I felt his insecurity sometimes, a lot of our fans may not know it but Jonghyun is quite emotional.
He cries easily.
The first time I saw it, I panicked.
What am I going to do?
As time went by, I realized that the best thing I could do was to let his tears flow, then I would just sit with him and quietly tried to comfort him with my presence.
Because through this, he knew that I was with him, all the way.
I know he gets tired sometimes, being the bad boy of the group, being the tough one, even though he's really warm and a softie inside.
It was too much for him at times,
That's why I decided that as much as I can, as often as I would be allowed, I would take the hits for him.
That is, after all, my duty as a leader.
--
Key would be naggy, yes.
But I cannot even begin to say how much I appreciate it.
His attitude kept the members in line, him being an umma became somewhat of a relief for me.
I would watch him sometimes, in our early days, even after all our schedules, he would still cook for us.
He would get up early in the morning to prepare breakfast, he would make sure we wouldn't forget anything when we would travel for our schedules.
He saw the spots that I missed, and he filled them in so effectively.
I would see him cry in exhaustion sometimes, when the dorm was quiet, he would let the tears flow, how he missed his family, how he wished he could go home even for a while, I heard them all.
It regretted me that all I could do in return was a hug, a comforting pat, kind words, and a helping hand.
Even though I wished I could do more, I tried my best.
Whenever I can, I would wake up early and prepare ahead of time, I would sometimes give him my own portions in our packed lunches, and I even let him choose where to eat.
Key, even though a lot may not know it, is one of the strongest persons I have ever met.
That's why I decided that I needed to be stronger, I needed to be tougher inside, to continue to assure him that everything would be okay.
After all, if I, the leader, the supposedly strongest one of our group, broke down, what would that do to our group's foundation?
I needed to make him see that we are a family, and not just a group.
That is, after all, my duty as a leader.
--
Minho, I was right about him, he was quiet, he kept to himself sometimes, and he was the one who doubted himself so much out of all of us.
I felt his hesitation sometimes, he would get small parts, usually the rapping, which would sometimes even be divided to be given to Key.
I saw him struggling in doing the best he can.
I would always give him encouraging words, say my positive views and opinions in his works, and I've told him sometimes that I wished I had even half of his rapping skills.
This would make him smile.
He would work hard at it everytime.
Even though he won't admit it, I caught him practicing sometimes.
Not even his rapping parts, but the singing ones!
I know very well that Minho wants to be seen as more than the face of the group.
I would talk to our manager hyung sometimes, maybe he can give some of my singing lines to Minho, maybe Minho should be given a chance to sing more parts.
It eventually paid off, with Minho's practicing and my convincing, Minho got more lines.
I saw the elation in his face, saw him practiced harder and I was glad.
Because he was finally realizing his dream.
He was finally starting to feel like a singer.
I know he pushes himself too much sometimes.
There were times when I can't get through him anymore, because he was too hard on himself, he was too competitive.
I've decided that the only thing that I can do was to help him push the walls, the obstacles, the hardships.
He would fall sometimes, he would get tired, but that's what I've designated myself for.
To provide help, relief, to be an added force to our flaming charisma.
That is, after all, my duty as a leader.
--
Lastly was Taemin.
Out of all the members, he was the most precious to me.
Don't take it the wrong way, it was only because he's the youngest.
The most fragile.
The most innocent.
The one who needed more guidance and attention.
I would continually watch out for him everytime.
When he wakes up in the morning, I'll make sure he has something to eat for school, and when he goes home in the afternoon, I would help him in his assignments.
I sometimes felt more like a hyung than a leader to him.
But then watching him, observing, and trying to set myself in his shoes, I've figured out that this was the best thing.
But then watching him, observing, and trying to set myself in his shoes, I've figured out that this was the best thing.
Taemin needs a hyung more than a leader.
He was much too young to be living without his family, the best I could do was to provide him with one.
I was with him in his struggles, I was with him when he would talk with his mom on the phone, I would be with him when he would cry after, out of loneliness.
Out of emptiness.
I would do everything I can to comfort him, I would offer my bright smiles, my really funny (yes, they're really funny!) jokes, and even buy him ice cream.
These usually worked and over time, I realized, that it would come naturally for me to take care of him.
He was like the dongsaeng I've always wanted but never had.
I coached him throughout everything; singing, stage presence, talking to the press, handling fans, etc.
Not really in dancing though, that's where he excels most and more often, I'm the one that goes to him for help in that department.
He would make mistakes sometimes, but I would take the blame for them.
Bowing low, saying countless apologies, making excuses that he was still young, he had a lot to learn, and even taking the punishment for him.
I didn't mind this.
Bowing low, saying countless apologies, making excuses that he was still young, he had a lot to learn, and even taking the punishment for him.
I didn't mind this.
It was the only way to protect our maknae.
There were times though, that I let him be.
Let him make his own mistakes.
Let him trip over his feet, get hurt, cry, and be in pain.
This is the only way to strengthen him.
He was our maknae, yes. He would forever be our maknae.
But that doesn't mean he would always depend on us, he needed to become a man, someone with experience and wisdom to pass down to our hoobaes.
He needed to grow up.
Only now as I reflect upon these things did I notice how much our maknae has become a man.
How much he improved as a singer, as an entertainer, as a person.
And I couldn't be more proud.
Even though we've been together for a long time and have survived the industry for four years, I know.
I just know.
That I would still continue to protect him, shield him as much as I can from as much pain as possible.
Not until he's ready.
Not until I know he's capable of taking them.
For now, I would continue to take the blame, apologize, and be punished.
That is, after all, my duty as a leader.
--
I would feel lonely sometimes.
While I was there to assure Jonghyun, help Key, encourage Minho, and protect Taemin,
I had always wondered, who would be there for me?
Who will comfort me when I've had too much? Who will strengthen me when I will be too weak to bear the combined burdens of five people?
Who will pat my back, whisper 'good job', and give me an encouraging smile when I needed one the most?
Who will wipe the tears I'll shed from every fall, every trip, every painful mistake that I make?
Who?
Who would be there for me?
"Onew hyung?"
I looked up from my chair to find all four of my members in front of me, with big happy smiles on their faces.
"What are you thinking? You are so engrossed in it that you didn't even notice us." Jonghyun teased.
"Sorry. Just spacing out." I grinned, embarrassed.
"Ah, Onew Condition. What would we do without it?" Key shook his head and I smiled.
"What's happening?"
"Hyung, have you seen this?" Taemin turned his laptop to show me an article.
"Hm?" I read over it.
SHINee is truly the Shining SHINee! The headline says.
I smiled a little and read on.
It basically says that Jonghyun's variety and song-writing skills are truly commendable, and that Key's musical is doing really well, Minho got selected to play the lead role for an upcoming drama that SME is producing, and Taemin's singing skills just blew everyone away.
Mine was how I lose weight and how it looked good on me.
"Wow. This is really fantastic guys!" I beamed, truly happy.
"Yeah! Should we celebrate?" Minho suggested.
"I'm ordering pizza!" Jonghyun shouted and walked out of the living room, phone in hand, with Key following closely behind.
"Ah, I'll buy the ice cream!"
Minho went up to his room to get his wallet.
Minho went up to his room to get his wallet.
"Hyung." I looked up from the laptop to see that Taemin was still beside me.
"Yeah?" I turned my attention back to the laptop.
"Thank you."
I looked at him.
"For what?"
"For being there. For being a great leader. You deserve so much more recognition than any of us." Taemin said softly.
"What are you talking about?" I laughed.
"You guys did well on your own."
"We wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you. Thank you, hyung. No matter what anyone says, you are the best leader there is!" Taemin beamed, looking so much like that young boy he was back then.
"Thank you." He repeated and hugged me.
I took a deep breath, touched. "Y-You're welcome, Taemin."
He pulled away, still smiling.
"What's going on?" Jonghyun walked in.
"Nothing. Just thanking Onew hyung." Taemin grinned.
"Aw. Me too!" Jonghyun turned to me, a cocky smile on his face.
"Thank you for paying for the pizza tonight, hyung! We kind of used your card." He smiled sheepishly.
I rolled my eyes and chuckled.
"You guys..." I shook my head.
"Oh really, Jjong." Key walked in, looking annoyed.
"What'd I do?" Jjong pouted.
"You took the pans to cook your ramen and you didn't even wash them after!" Key frowned.
"Oops." Jonghyun shrugged.
"Why can't you be more like Onew hyung?!" Key turned to me.
"It's the little things that makes me really grateful. It makes things easier for me."
Key huffed and glared at Jonghyun who just scratched his head and muttered words.
"Hey, Minho hyung!" Taemin suddenly shouted, getting up to hurry after him.
"I'm coming with you!"
He grabbed his beanie and jacket.
"Yeah, sure." Minho nodded.
"Hey, before I forget. Onew hyung, would you please practice my lines with me later? We'll be taping in two weeks and I want to get my lines down perfectly ASAP."
"Sure." I nodded.
"Thank you! Let's go, Minnie." Minho led the way.
"Don't worry hyung, we'll get your favorite flavor." He assured me before dashing after him.
I smiled gratefully as I looked at my precious members.
They made me realize something today.
That no matter how hard it is to be a leader,
No matter how painful, how weakening, how tiring it is sometimes,
It only takes two words--just two--to make me see that whatever it is that a leader has to go through...
it was worth it.
REAL SHINee Quotations:
"I think that Onew-hyung worries too much about us and doesn't think of himself. I'm really aware of this, and we are very thankful but I hope that you (Onew) know that we are here for you too."
— Kim Jonghyun (Interview for Candy Magazine)
"As the leader, I should be the one carrying all of the burden so when I'm ever worried about something, I tend to keep it to myself. Being the oldest, I don't want to worry my dongsaengs."
— Lee Jinki/Onew (Interview for Candy Magazine)
Happy four years SHINee! ♥
Thank you for bringing smiles to our faces and being our inspiration all this time :)
&&
Thank you, Lee Jinki.
For taking on the responsibility of being a leader and making SHINee shine the brightest all the time. ♥
Sorry if you guys were expecting something bright and happy. The foreword was so misleading. >.< I couldn't resist writing it. Lol. Thank you for reading :)♥
Thank you for bringing smiles to our faces and being our inspiration all this time :)
&&
Thank you, Lee Jinki.
For taking on the responsibility of being a leader and making SHINee shine the brightest all the time. ♥
Sorry if you guys were expecting something bright and happy. The foreword was so misleading. >.< I couldn't resist writing it. Lol. Thank you for reading :)♥
You jerks. I can't understand anything you're saying. >___< Lolol. I still ♥ you though! haha.
Fixed and added a few things. Thanks for reading Because He's SHINee's Leader.
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